Symud i'r prif gynnwys
Cuddio Rhestr Erthyglau

32 erthygl ar y dudalen hon

VARIETIES-GRAVE AND GAY.

Newyddion
Dyfynnu
Rhannu

VARIETIES-GRAVE AND GAY. "Hunting parties"—Motlrera with daughters to toarry. An Evergreen-a man who does not learn by ex- perience. He who murmurs at Lis lot is like one baring his feet to tread upon thorns. A coffin," said an Irishman, is the house a man lives in when he is dead." A good sermon is like a kiss-it requires but two 11ea..ls and an application. Permanent rest is not to be expected on the road,but at the end of the jonrney. What is said from the feeling of the moment should excite bnt the feeling of the moment. All other knowledge is hurtful to him who has not the science of honesty and good nature. The light of friendship is like the light of phos- phorus—seen plainest when all around is dark. ivlan may be a worm; but a glnnce at the dandies proves that he is not the worm that never dyes. Some good, loving, self-sacrificing deed will trans- form the homeliest face into beauty and sanctity. That writer does the most who gives his reader the most knowledge and takes from him the least time. Pleasuie, like quicksilver, is bright and shy. If we strive to grasp it, it still eludes as, and still glitters. We all owe something to our country, said the Briton who went abroad without paying his income-tax. "Amateur gentlemen," says an old lady, "is ai pretty good description of a certain class of young men." The crow is not so bad after at). It never shews the white lYather. and never <:o.p!aius without caws. An old Lidy thinks that a good ncany of our modern songs" thoroughly deserve to be called strains." "Hard times, and we must moke the mostofwhatwe have," as the grocer said when he watered his vinegar. Why is kissing your sweetheart like eating soup with a fork ? Because it takes a long while to get enough of it. Ladies should never indulge in anticipation,for we all know how objectionable a woman is who looks forward. There is a reason whyalittle man should never marry a bouncing widow. He might be called the widow's mite. A domestic having been sent to purchase a bottle of capers, forgot her errand, and asked for a bottle of frolics. The new Chicago lake tunnel Is euphemistically called "another sublacustrine source of aqua pura for the million." What is the difference between a church organist and the influenza ? One stops the nose, and the other knows the stops. She died for me," said a young husband when he beheld the daik locks gradually returning to their original colour. What's jografy, Bill?" i. It's a tellin' of forrin lands that we knows nothin' about, by cute chaps that's never seen 'em." Did any of you ever see an elephant's akin in- quired a teacher of an infant class. "Yes,sir." "Where?" On a elepliant The Danbury News says that. London overflows with courts that aeerato commence nowhere and end some .vhere near there.. Mexican editors -do- not care about an extended circulation. The fewer subscribers they have the fewer times they are shot at. The latest natural curiosity in New York is a dog which has a whistle growing at the end of his tail. He calls himself when wanted. A landlord, having let all his houses, but one, was asked if that unlet house was his last. Yes, last, but not leased," was his reply. Many a philosopher, who thought he had an exact knowledge of the whole human race, has been miserably cheated in the choice of a wife. An old maid, who hates the male sex most vehe- mently, cut a female acquaintance who complimented her on the buoyancy of her spirits. "Marriage," said an unfortunate husband, "is the churchyard of love." And you men," replied his wife,"are the gravediggers." A little boy heard his mother tell of eighteen head of cattle being burnt the other night. Weren't their tails burnt also ?" he inquired. When you want a loan of a friend, and he tells you he is short," he is apt to be actually as short of speech as he pretends to be of cash. The Darling!—"I always thought I should never rear that child," said an old lady of ninety on hearing of the death of her son, aged seventy. Mrs. Jones recently presented her spouse with twins. On the nurse shewing them to the anxious father, "Am I to choose ?" he innocently inquired. The concluding words of a Mormon obituary notice at Utah are very pathetic He leaves thirteen widows and fifty four children to mourn his loss." A horse dealer was asked if an animal. which he offered for sale, was timid? "Not at all," said he he often passes many nights by himself in the stable!" The greatest source of weakness to every nation under heaven," said a philosopher, comew fiom the fact that its women have so little to do and so much to say." In Roxburgbshire the foxes are so numerous that an Irishman remarked the other day that he saw three Bitting both together, only about twenty yards from each other. "Don't come to see me any more just yet, John," said a young womll11 to her lover "faUler has been having his boots half soled,with two rowsof nails around the toes." An honest Hibernian, being in bed in a great storm, and told that the bouse would tumble over his head, made answer-" What care I for the house ? I am only a lodger In the case of a. man found with ten bullets in his head a Missouri jury decided that he had been shot, or met with some bad accident in some manner not just now known." Harry, after looking on while his new little baby sister cried at being washed and dressed, turned away, saying, If she ser, anted like that up in heaven,I don't wander that they sent her off Dr, \Vh'cIi, walking in Hamiltou's garden at Cliob- liam, expie^sod his surprise at the prodigioui growth of the trees. "My dear sir," returned Mr. Hamilton, Ire, member they have nothing else to .10." Mistress (opening pott-bag) "Fourteen letters for you again to day,Mary. I can't understand it. Mary: Well, ma'am, I ought to have given you notice, but I hadvertised. You see how good servants is sought after." An American who has recently visited Italy writes Venice is a nice place, Olily I must t4ay I think it's damp. It must have rained tremendous before our ar- rival, for at po sent we can only get about the streets In boats." When a man (says one who has experienced it) is in the act of lifting his hat to a lady whom he supposes is an acquaintance, it requires some tact to make believe that he is only scratching his head when he discovers that the lady is a stranger. May your sight be preserved," s"i.l the late Dr. de Marquny to Dr. IHaisonneuve, who was noted for having the moat Lilliputian nose in France. "Why so?" asked Maisonneuve. "Because your nose is too small forspectacl. s," said De Marquay. A story is tolllof an old gentleman who always took notes of his clergyman's sermons, Mil on one oc- casion read ihetn to the minister himself. "Stop, Stop!" said the hitter, on the occurrence of a certain ■sntence I did not say that." I know you didn't," was the reply "I put di.it in myself in mn>c seme." He said that pnstry was ever so much better made by her dear hands. This delighted her. But, when she wanted the coal-scuttle at the other end of the room, and he suggested that she should get it, as the fire would fee) so much better if the coal WAS brought by her deal hands, she was disgusted. Women are so changeable A New Orleans paper thus <li>c >urses If men are the salt of the earth, women are the sugar. Salt is a necessity, sugar is a luxury. Vicious men are the saltpetre hard stern men the rock slLlt; nice family men the table salt. Old maids are the brown sugar goodnatured matrons the loaf sugar pretty girls the fine pulverised white sugar." At a meeting in London to receive a report from mis- sionaries sent to recover the tribes of Israel, a certain lord was asked to take the chair. I take," he replied, stutteringly, "a gweat, a vewy gweat interest in your we-searches, gentlemen. The fact is, I Ip, va bowoed money from alltwibes at the East and W at End if you can find anew set I shall feel vewy much obliged," A member of the Coloured Church 'v"" the other evening conversing earnestly with an acquaintance, and seeking to have him thange into better pat s but the friend said that he was too often tenilot- to permit him to become a Christian. "Whar's yer b ckbooe, dat ye can't rose up and stand temptation ?" e\ toimed the good man. "I was dat way myself once. itight in dis yeretownlhadachancetosttalapair 'I' boots-- mighty nice ones too. Nobody was dar to me,tiid I reached out my hand and de debbil sai take 'em den a good sper.t whispered ftir me to I, j detn boots alone! Ali' you di,in't t.ke 'em?" sar-iiot much ? I took a pair o' cheap shoes of de shulf an'left dem boots alone » « I call upon you," said the counsel for t!ie plaintiff, "to state distinctly upon what authority yui are pre- pared to swear to the mare's age." "Upon « hat IIutho4 rity?" asked the ontler. You are to re] V, and not repeat the question put to you. "I do sn consider a man s bound to answera question afore he's line to turn it in his mind." "Nothing can be more simj I•■, sir. than the question put. I repeat it. Upon what n .thoiity do you swear to the animal's age? f' The best ..•ithority," responded the witness, gruffly. "Then why s h evasion? Why not state it at once ?" Well, thfn, if you must have it-" Must I will have it!" vociferated the counsel, interrupting the witness. Well, then if you must and will have it," rejoined tho ostler, with im- perturbable gravity—" Why, then, I had it from tlw mare's own mouth." Two working men in a village were heard discus- eing a new inhabitant. "Is he a gentb man 1" in- quired one." Gentleman?" exclaimed the <<ther, with unutterable scorn, "I should think not indeed why, he never owed a liuudred pounds in his life!" Jack who is at a boarding-school in the country, writes jioiue "Please send me a good trap to catch birds, and a piece of carpet for me to say my prayers 01 An old Highlander rather fond of his toddy• WM ordered by his physician, during a temporary lness, not to exceed one ounce of spirits dally. The old gen- tleman was dubious about the amount, and asked his son, a schoolboy, how much an ounce was. Sixteen drachms," was the reply. Sixteen drams What an excellent doctor I" exclaimed the Iligillitiider. Ban and tell Donald M'Tavish and big John to come (Won the nicht."

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