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A NEW THOUGHT READER. [By CLUBBITE.] L A remarkable addition to the ranks of psychical phenomena-mongei s has come amongst us. The late W, Irving Bishop and the present Stuart Cumberland seem to be completely ontdone by the wonderful feats of thought reading I saw performed at the New Central Hall, Holborn, the other evening by a young Frenchman with a ltussiati name— Dr. Onofroff, of Paris. He never failed once. The usual metaphorical murder scene was enacted by Mr. Edward Terry, the actor, Captain Probyn, and Mr. Herbert Burrows. Dr. Onofroff entered the room, was blind- folded, and immediately led a fourth gentle- man who was acquainted with the figurative crime directly to the spot where the murder took place, found the knife with which it was done, and the person who had committed the crime. I do not quite see what use it all is, for if a witness of a real murder is once in the hands of the police it is not often that he refuses to tell what he has seen. If, now, Dr. Onofroff would scent out the particulars of a mysterious crime by being led to the spot, say, where the body was found, then he would be invaluable to Scotland Yard, but at present he merely acts upon the involuntary nervous energy of aperfroily willing agent, who knows all about it. Of course, he told the figures of numbers known only to one person in the audience, and, of course, he fouud all sorts of hidden articles, but unless by the same occult means he is absolutely able to detect the seat of disease, or trace criminals to their lairs, I am inclined to look upon his manifestations as merely those of any ordinary person who can so closely concentrate his or her attention upon the will of another as to entirely obliterate any will power of his own, which is exactly what Dr. Onofroff doee, and then acts or speaks as that person to whom he has voluntarily subjected his will would act or speak if asked to do either. All the same, it must be confessed that this young Frenchman has succeeded in completely subjugating his own will power, and obtains during the after process some very remarkable, and, at tirst sight, even startling results,

THE TOURNAMENT OF LOVE. The two young men had called almost simultaneously. George sat- on the sofa: Willie on the little reception-chair with the gilt legs. Between them, in the great arm- chair, sat the fair girl whom they had assiduously courted during the whole summer at the salubrious resort of Southend. The two young men glared at each other, and each stole furtive glaces at the lovely Rosey. Con- versation languished. A pall of gloom had settled down upon the stately parlour, crowded with luxurious furniture and rare bric-a-brac. At last Rosey spoke, with resolution in her silvery tones. II Gentlemen," she said, 11 thiig thing has gone far enough. Business, it is generally conceeded, is business. Am I in error in asssuming that each of you has called here to-night with a special object in view, and I am that special objeot." Miss Rosey," began both the young men at once. That will do r interrupted the fair girl; that is the usual formula. Let as waste no more time. If you have any propositions to make and specifications to submit, you might just as well do it while the furnace fire holds out to burn. It is as fair for one as for the other. May I suggest that the toss up of a coin, heads or tails, might appropriately decide who is to have the initial innings?" Will you call to me P" inquired George, covering with his hand the shilling which be had laid upon his knee. I will," responded Willie, fieroelv, as he flattened his palm over a threepenny bit with a hole in it. They lifted their hands, Willie had lost. Rosey," began George, with a heightened colour, I love you. Whatever wealth can do to make you happy shall be yours. If I were the lowest, the humblest, the most hope- j less of all your suitors, I could not be more your slave." "Do you mean that?" queried the girl, with down-cast eyes. I- Indeed I do," cried the young man, with vehemence. "If I were-why, if I were Bob Davies, that poor devil you used to snub so at Southend, I could not be more at your meroy." And you," inquired the lovely Rosey, turning towards Willie, whose heels were working nervously and rubbing all the gilt off the legs of the reception-chair; what have you to say ? Rosey," he began, "I cannot dazzle you with visions of wealth and splendour. I am not ricb-" You are not," interrupted George: "you and Davies might just pair together as to wealth, and then may be you'd be able to buy one beer between you." "I may not be Mr. Davies's superior in j worldly goods," retorted Willie, flushing proudly, but I certainly am in manners, and I wish I could say as much for you." "Indeed," returned the lengthy plutocrat, superciliously, "I always supposed that you and Davies got your manners together, in the same place that you got your clothes. They always struck me as being ready-made." "You appear to know more about Mr, Davies than I do," was Willie's ioy response your taste for low associates was well known at Southend. But, as I was saying, Rosey, while I have not material wealth if the devo- tion of a heart that is wholly yours Say no more, gentlemen," said Rosey, ris- ing and smiling sweetly. It is but yester- day that Mr. Robert Davies wrote me asking me for my hand. I had just written my ac- ceptance of his proposal when you arrived, and I thought it was only just to give you both a chance. You have had it. Here's the letter. Will one of you gentlemen do me the kindness to post it for iiip, P If Mr. Davies is not hereby nine o'clock to-morrow 1 shall' have reason to doubt the affection you have so eloquently expressed. Good-evening, gen- tlemen." And as the fair young girl swept gracefully from the room the fire in the furnace collapsed with a chilly thud,

PABHT AND ROCKE'S Wcl$. Knhled Steckinus iw best. 7003(1

Christie Holmes' Last Tot. Did I like the servioe? Well, you see, that's rather a hard question to answer in a hurry. One thing I must say, though, in common fairness, everything in the Army has altered considerably, and for the better, too, since the morning when I, a raw, gawky lad, walked irresolutely up and down Charles- street, Westminster, two or three times before Ted liagan, of the King's Own Light Dragoons, stepped up to me and asked whether I'd like to join. However, that's not answering your ques- tion, Did I like the service ? Take it for all in all, I say, yes. I served for over twenty years, so you must allow me to know what the Army is like. Foreign service is best, certainly, if a man really means soldiering. There are many temptations in England, added to the mono- tony of incessant drilling, to which men are f not exposed abroad. Known a few odd characters ? Yes, I ratber think so! If I'd ever thought during the time I was among them that their queer sayings and doings would be ever worth re- peating I might have filled a good many volumes. Talking about qneer characters, the queerest I ever met was one Christopher Holmes, a private in my troop. Of course he wasn't called Christopher; it was generally Christie, ¡ or more often, H Young born drunk," for the story went that he had never been sober since his birth, t-xcept on one occasion. It was on a parade for general's inspection, and the colonel, who was passing along the ranks, suddenly stopped in front of Christie. You're drunk again, sir/' he said, with an awful frown, and poor Christie was marohed off to the digger that's the slang for guard-room, you know. Well, as it turned out, Christie had signed the pledge only three days before, and actually kept it, so that he was perfectly sober, but everybody was so used to his general appear- ance that the change effected by his few days' sobriety made the colonel imagine it was brought on by another drinking bout. Oh, yes! he acknowledged his mistake, did the colonel, when he heard the facts, but Christie declared he'd never risk it again, and broke his pledge the same night. There was another time, during a whole six mouths, when he had nothing but one pint of porter every day. It was when we were on the passage to India in '63. Yes, a whole six months, 1 assure you, we were on board ship —what with contrary winds, and she being one of those old-fashioned, teak-built vessels, as broad as she was long, that could make no way at all except on a fair breeze-and all that while Christie Holmes had no chance of obtaining drink. There are no back doors on board ship, no sly grog-shops round the corner to slip out to, but he often said that he'd make up for it as soon as he landed. And he was a man of his word, sir. From the time we went ashore at Calcutta till- partly by rail and the rest of the road in bullock-hackeries-we reached the up-country station where we were quartered, Christie Holmes was always on the spree. Not that it is as easy to manage out there tij; in England, for no one is allowed to sell intoxicating liquors to soldiers, and the only place where they can procure them is at their own regi- mental canteen, from which they are allowed to purchase one quart of beer aud one tot of rum each day. As I said, directly we landed he began again at his old ways. There's no need to follow him up to the end; sufficient to say that, when nothing was to be had at the oanteen or sergeant's mess, Christie would walk over to the bazaar, where he soon pioked up enough of the bat (language) to make his wants known, and there were always plenty ofcooJes a id ghorawallahs, ready to earn a couple of s pioe by fetching him a bottle of dharu, though he'd never drink that whenever anything better was to be got. What is it like? Well, I've tasted it, and precious fiery stuff it is, too, a dirty yellowish colour, and smells like a mixture of all the two-and-seventy stenches" that Coleridge counted in Cologne. Dharu is the native's name for it; the soldiers call it 11 Billy Stink," or, more politely, by way of a joke you know—" Sweet William," so you may guess what sort of stuff it is. However, good or bad, Christie Holmes could always fall back on dharu if brandy wasn't to be had, and contrived to satisfy his oraving. Yes, you're quite right, air. It must have been a disease. No man could have such an appetite for drink with a properly constituted stomaoh. Well, sir, there oame a time that satisfied even Christie Holmes. I don't know whether you are acquainted with the ohanges in the service of late. Oh 1 you know something about them. Then you may remember that in '67 an order came out that all men who had completed two-thirds of their first period of service might, if they ohose, re-engage to complete the full term, twenty-one years, at once. They were offered, as an inducement to do so, a penny a day extra pay, from the date of re-engagement, the price of a new kit, and an allowance in lieu of furlough for those on foreign service. Yes, there were a great many took advantage of the order, for you see it mounted up to a tidy lump of money, particularly in rupees. More than half the regiment put down their names, and were marohed in batches, day after day, to the cantonment magistrate's office,where they were sworn in, receiving at the same time the bulk of the re-engagement money, which amounted to over 213 in English currency. There was no keeping the men now from drink, and after a couple of days' experience of having his guard room full, and seeing twenty or thirty prisoners brought up to office in the morning, our colonel gavean order that for one whole week the oanteen should be thrown open, with an unlimited supply of liquors. During that time nobody was to be confined for being drunk, unless be should also quarrel and fight, in which case the offender was placed in a oell until he oame to his senses. Of course you can imagine that these were glorious times for Christie Holmes. I was canteen-sergeant during the whole of it, and saw the worst that was going on. Yes, sir, that was the end of his drinking, and every- thing else in this world. If I never have another as long as I live," he said to me the morning after things re- verted to their usual state, I can say I have had one big drink, and no flies about it." I thought, as I looked at his swollen eyes, his puffy face, and the incessant trembling of his lips, that it might have been better for him if there were no such thing as drink in the world. I had seen more than one case of delirium tremens, and couldn't help fancying that Christie Holmes was just about as near to the (I top of thfikpole" as could be. Sure enough, the first thing I heard when I left the mess after dinner that day was that Christie had been carried up to hos- pital in a dhoolie about an hour before, raving in the horrors. Things were quieted down by this time, and the old strict rule returned to. One pint of beer at dinner-time, which is drawn in bulk by an orderly oorpo. a.l from each troop, and distributed by him to the men in th&ir I own bungalows, for, except on duty, no one is allowed to go out in the heat of the day—and at night one pint of beer from half-past six to seven, one tot of grog during the ensuing half-hour. Only one man can approach the bar at a time, and, to ensure that nobodj is served twice, the orderly-corporal from eack troop aits on a form facing the bar, where ha can have a full view of everyone as they come up. These corporals have nothing to do with serving the drink, but, whenever a man is served by the canteen waiter, stick a little peg in a hole opposite his name, which is written down on a board kept for the purpose; other- wise, you see, they must trust entirely to memory, which cannot always be depended oil where between eixty and seventy men are ooncerned. Of course there are some who toy to come the double, even in spite of this pre- caution, and sometimes succeed, Christie Holmes was one of the most persistent of thil class. As bold as brass he would make bis second appearance at the bar, trusting to the chance either that the corporal might have neglected to place the peg against his name on the former occasion, or that his bead might be turned away on this till the coveted tot" of grog was swallowed. Well, sir, as I told you, on this particular occasion I was thinking a great deal about, Christie as I walked up and down amongst the barrels, and wishing that half-past severi might come, so that I could go away. Pre-' sently in comes an orderly from the hospital4 and I asked him how the poor fellow was. "Rather quieter now," be said; but be means mischief. They've put him in a ward by himself, with two men to look after him, for he got his razor out this afternoon, and only that he was closely watched he'd have used it. Just as I was leaving the ward he went on, muttering the words to himself, MlH have my tot, though, olever as they are; they shan't keep my rights from me. I'm entitled to my tot, and I'll have it, in spite of all these grinning fiends that are mocking at me and trying to hold it back, ell, sir, the orderly had scaroely finished speaking when I started as though I had been shot, for I heard the corporal's voice, Don't give that man any more grog, waiter. That will do. Holmes, you're pegged up But it was spoken too late-the meaaure of liquor wis lifted from the bar, its oontent* drunk, and replaced by Christie, who walked away with the same qu:et grin on his faøe it always wore when he had thus circumvented the corporal. I ran up to the bar and called out the provost- sergeant to have Christie secured at one?, um., then turned angrily to the corporal and acked him how the man oame to have had a first dram, much less a second. "He haa no busi- ness here at all," I said, being a patieat in hospital." This, however, it turned out that the corporal was not aware of, as he had been away on duty all day. Wel,l the long and short of it was, eir-I see we're nearly at our journey's end, and my story's just finished-Ohristie Holmes wwi not to be found near the canteen, and I sent post haste up to the hospital to tell of his escape, thinking that the men who were look- ing after him had negleoted their duty. Well you might have knocked me down with a feather when I beard the news they brought back. Not only me, but everyone round me had seen poor Christie aa distinctly as I did. It came outtbat he was very quiet after the orderly left, so much so that he was allowed to get op and dress himself in his regimentals, when all of a sudden he jumped up and darted through the door and out into the compound before anyone could stop him. They were after him directly, you may be sure, and their shouts attracted the attention of the sentry at the gate, who prepared to catch Christie; but be, as soon as he per- ceived this, stopped, looked round, and then, seeing there was no way of escape, for a high wall bounded the compound, made another run. Not to the gate this time, though, but a raised platform of brickwork olose by. It was the top of the hospital well. A ouupte of soldiers started up in a fright aa th* poor mad Mlow rushed towards them, and feebly attempted to stay him. They might m well have tried to stop a runaway horse. He knocked them over like ninepins, and sprang to the roof of the well, down on his knees by its mouth, and then shaking both his fists high above his head, plunged down before his pursuers could reach him. Yes, it was a sad ending, and shows what drink will bring a man to in the long van, indeed, sir. Past five o'olook ? So it ÎI P More than a quarter of an hour behind time from Westminster tp Greenwich HospitaL An interesting story ? Glad you think to, sir. Where did the rum go to ? Well, yea; that is the strangest part of it. Christif never mixed it with water before.

A tourist without money is a tramp. A tramp who has money is a tourist. Anyone who is great at repartee must taeoet- aarily have a great response ability. Post: And yoa will print my poem Editor: Yes, sir, in the puzzle department. Small boy: Ma, pass the bread. Mothel (sternly) If what, my son ? Small boy: If you can reach it. It has been noticed as a froak of nature that the man with a benevolent smile does not always give a penny to the blind man. ( It is always a sign of poverty of misa where men are ever aiming to appear great, for they who are really great never seem to know it.- Cecil. Rector: Those pigs of yours are in fine condition, Jarvis. Jarvis: Yes sur, they be. Ah, sur, if we was all on us on'y as fit to die as them are we'd do. A: I don't understand how your friend X could choose suoh a plain-looking person for his wife. B: He made her acquaintaw,6 during an eclipse of the sun. ( An Aberdeen maid servant was asked to boil some eggs just three minutes by Ust clock. She deolared that it was impossible because the clock was a quartet of an hour too fast! We have heard of an economical inilp who always takes his meals in front of a mirror^ He does this to double the dishes. If this is not philosophy, we should like to know what is. It is very pleasant to follow one's inclina- tions but, unfortunately, we cannot follow- them all they are like the teeth sown big Cadmu3—they spring up, get in each other's way, and fight. Graoc: Isn't that young Mr, Corroltoi Peel unusuaUy attentive to your consint Kittie. Kittie: Attentive ? 0, you are mis- taken, he is hirdly civil. Grace: How so? Kittie: Didn't you know they were married a fortnight sinoe? Bald-headed man (who inolines to be fao& tious): 1m getting to be pretty bald. Soph, pose you'll have to out my hair for half-price hereafter, eh ? Tonsorial artist (who Is equal to the emergency): Oh, no, sir. W. always charge double when we have to hunt for the hair. _—

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