Papurau Newydd Cymru

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WISE AND OTHERWISE.

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Dyfynnu
Rhannu

WISE AND OTHERWISE. He Do you take roe for a fool? She: No; but my judgment is not infallible." She: Whoever started the habit of calling a boat 'she" He "Probably the first man that tried to steer one." Did Tom have any luck hunting tigers in Indi,il "Yes; great luck." "How?" "He didn't meet any tigers." Mrs. Jawkins: "I don't feel like myself to- night." Mr. Jawkins: Then p'r.'aps we shall have a pleasant evening." "That's a very popularmari," "Yes; he'll listen to the details of your summer holiday without in-sisting on telling his own." Labourer: "The master's gone away." Visitor: Oh, for a holiday?" Labourer: "I don't think so—he's taken the missus: "Every time old Stalcwood tells me a batch of jokes I feel like a Christ-ma,-> turkey." How is that?" "I'm stuffed with chestnuts." Tommy: "Oh. papa, there's a spider on the ceiling!" Papa (who is reading): Put your foot on him, then, and don't bother me! "I was so sorry not to come to your wed- ding, madam, bur I was not in the city." Never mind. You must come next time." Little Daughter (reading-):: the winter many animals have heavy furl" Father: Hush, Lily! your mother is- :,in, the next room." "He says h 1 mono is 'Live and Learn. Well, if he isn't more successful1 at the former than the latter we'll be going to his funeral soon," 11 Poor W aggi-! He- was a most genial soul." "Yes, indeed, ho was. The only thing he ever took seriouslv was tin- cold that carried him off." Joh&nn (to his friend as a slipper, is thrown out of the window and hiw him on the head): "My wife is a darling. Look what a-tiny foot the has." "What's the metier, daughter*" "Freddy and I have parted for ever." Urn. In case, I s'pose lie won't be round for a couple of nights." He: Your dog tore up all my beat/plants last night. It must not happen again." His Fair Neighbour: "Why? Aren't you going to plant any more? Youngster: Piease, sir, I want some boot- laces." Shopkeeper: "How long do you want them?" Youngster: "I want them to keep, please, sir." Clio: "I hate our new stage-manager. He tried to kiss me at the rehearsal yesterday, and I'm sure he'd been drinking." Marie: He must have been? Mr. Sapleigh (on leaving): "I think, Miss Keen, I said good-bye to you before." Miss Keen Oh, always glfd to say good-bye to you, Mr. Sapleigh." Tommy," said the teacher, can you,tell me what obscurity is? Yes'm," replied Tommy, it's a place where a good many people go to after elections." Hubby: '"Can't understand how you can put the hair of another woman on your head." His Ruler: Well, you've got your feet in the .skin of another calf "How many people work in your office?" asked one city man of another. Oh, I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirde of them," was the reply. Judge: "I don't think that women have al- ways been vain. Yr.u know, women were made before mirrors." Fudge: "And they've been be- fore them ever since." I managed to get the last word with my wife this morning." "How?" Yelled it up the tube as I went out of the vestibule of our apartment house." Yes; he squeezed my hand in the conserva- tory last night." I hope you had the grace to blush," Well, mother, there's no use blushing in a dark conservatory. How many servants does your mother keep? asked the lady who had just moved into the neighbourhood. None." replied little Jennie; but we engage lots." "Wasn't Juliuf- Csesar one of the strongest men that ever lived?" What makes you ask that question?" "I was jutit reading that he threw a bridge over the Rhine." He (to his beloved's maid): How ever did you manage to get me a lock of her hair with- out her noticing? Maid: Oh, I simply cut it off while she was in another room Employer: "What? You want another rise? You are getting seven shillings a week now." Office Boy: "Yes, sir; but I'm engaged now, and my girl wants to be taken about." Mistress: What did you tell those ladies who just called?" Servant: "Oi told 'em you was out, mum." Mistress: And what did they say?" Servant: How fortunit: mum." The Bridegroom (to himæif): I wonder what sho will say when I tell her I'm not a Count? The Bride (to herself): I wonder what he'll say when I tell him I'm not a millionairess?" She: So many men marry for money! You wouldn't marry me for money, would you, de arest? He (absently): No, darling, ,I wouldn't ma.rry you for all the money in the world." Mother: "How did papa's new book get in 1 this condition?" Bobby: "Why, mamma, I heard papa say last night that the book was too dry for him, so I put it in the bath and let the water run." The Boy: "'Ere's the eggs you ordered for the puddin', ma'am." The Cook: "Thank you. Just. lay them on the table, please." The Doy: Excuse me ma'am, I ain't a hen. I'm the grocer's boy." Smith: "Hullo? Black eye? Wife again, I suppose?" Brown: "Yes; she pelted me with flowers last night." Smith: But they wouldn't cause that." Brown: "Wouldn't they? They were in pots." "Could you do anything for a poor old ibailor? "Poor old sailor?" "Yes'm. I fol- lowed the water for twenty years." Well, all I've got to say is you don't lock as though you had ever caught it." "You have the heart to complain of my hats," she said amid her tears. And when we were married you said you would lay your for- tune at my feet." Ye. But I didn't say I'd put it on your head." A minister, having walked through a village churchyard and observed the indiscriminate praises bestowed upon the dead, wrote upon the gatepost the following: Here lie the dead, and here the living lie." One Sunday morning a minister's' wife saw her son chasing the hens with a stick. She went to the door to investigate, and heard him say: I'll teach you to lay eggs in a minister's family on Sunday morning." Mrs. Gabbel: "What do you think, George? When the doctor called the other day he asked me to put out my tongue, and. when I did so Jie quite hurt me. He-" Mr. Gabbel (inter- posing) "Did he step on it." Mother: You shouldn't eat your cake so quickly, Bobbie 1 lance knew a little boy that ate his cake so quickly that he died before he finished it." Bobbie: "And what did they do with the rest of his cake, mother? "I begin to realise," said young Mr. Fop, "that I am no longer a mere youth, now that I've got a little hair on my lip." Yes," said Miss Vane, and I suppose in another month or so you'll have another little one, won't you? "I trust, Miss Tappit," said the kindly em- ployer to the stenographer, that you have something in reserve for a rainy day. Yes, sir," answered the earnest young woman. "I am going to marry a man named Mackintosh." In developing the idea of truthfulness, a • teacher asked the question, What is the best thing in the world to do, and at the same time the hardest?" A little girl raised her hand timidly. We, -Emma?" "To get married." The following report was sent by a subordi- nate inspector to his chief in thù telephone ser- vice, It concerned a faulty house connection: Found wire with no outside outside. Put in- side wire outside and outside inside. Need more outside for inside." Mistress (hurrying frantically): "Mary, what time is it now? Maid: Half-past two, mum." Mistress: "Oh, I thought it was later; I still have twenty minutes to catch the'train." Maid: Yis. mum. I knew yeVI be rushed. so I set the clock back thirty minutes to give ye more time." Wife: What do you think of Mrs. Gotrich- quick?" He: "Well, dear, not much. When I went to }- "1' for my last dance I said, If you are tired we'll go and sit down and have a little tete-a-tete, shall we? Oh, dear me, no, thanks. After such a huge supper I really could not eat A im — "to -ii J

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