Papurau Newydd Cymru

Chwiliwch 15 miliwn o erthyglau papurau newydd Cymru

Cuddio Rhestr Erthyglau

12 erthygl ar y dudalen hon

WISE AND OTHERWISE,

Newyddion
Dyfynnu
Rhannu

WISE AND OTHERWISE, PenheoS "Doctor, I have a most obstinate ead." Doctor (writing prescription): "And Ws your wife?" "Just the same." The Tailor: "I can't make you another suit until you pay for the last." The Customer: "Great Scott! I can't wait that long." Post committed suicide because he was orerworked." "Pooh! He couldn't have bees so very busy or ihe wouldn't have found time to do it. Wife: "Is there any difference between a fort and a fortress?" Husband: "Not much. ex oept, of course, that a fortress must be harder tel silence I" Customer: Are you sure this is real Ceylon tea?" Well-informed Young Assistant: "Cer- tainly, sir. Mr. Ceylon's name is on every package." Gertie: "I want to give my sweetheart a sur- prise on his birthday. Can you suggest some- thing? Arabel: "Well, you might tell him your age." A little girl was stroking the beak of a parrot when the ill-natured bird bit her. Oh, dear! she cried; "I thought it was a nose, and it's a tooth 1" Church: Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you what you are." Gotham: "Well, I eat hash at Mixum's restaurant." Church: "Then you're a fool! •" I should think a fan manufacturer would always be sure of success." "Why so? Be- cause fans are things that never fail to raise the wind," s J MfS. Noobride: u Yes, dear, 1 was married last month. I d iike you to call on me and see the pretty little flat I have." Miss Jellus: I've own him, my dear." "If you want eggs to keep they must be laid in a cool place," said a mistress to her servant. "All right, mum," replied the latter; I'll men- tion it to the hens at once." Mrs. Hutton: We are organising a piano olub, Mr. Flatleigh. Will you join us?" Flat- leigh: With pleasure, Mrs. Hutton. What pianist do you propose to club first? First Matron: "Yes, my doctor has the repu- tation of being quite a lady-killer." Second Matron: Oh, indeed! Mine doesn't make the slightest difference between the sexes." Bacon: "And you say he is kind to animals." Egbert: "Yes." Bacon: "Why?" Egbert: Whenever his wife commences to sing, he always puts the dog out of the room." "Yes," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am sure our garden is going to be a success." So soon?" "Yes, the chickens have tasted every- thing, and they are perfectly enthusiastic." The class in natural history being asked the difference between a dog and a tree, the head boy answered: A tree is covered with bark, while the dog seems to be lined with it." "Things never happen right," said the moody man. The pianist in the flat above me has a sore throat, and the girl who is training to sing in grand opera has just sprained her wrist." I'm going to the dentist's to have this tooth out. Just mind the baby till I come back." Husband (with alacrity): 'You mind the baby, Jessie; I'll go and get a tooth pulled out! Young Wife: "Why do you always sit on the edge of the chair?" Husband: "Well, my dear, you know we're buying the furniture on the in- stalment system, and that's all I feel entitled to." Nell: That was a frightfully long sermon the minister preached this morning." Belle: Why, I didn't notice it was unusually long." Nell: "Of course not; you had on a new hat." Redd: "He's going to give a bachelor dinner out under the sky." Greene: "But suppose it rains before they've finished?" Redd: "Oh, they may all be under the table by that time! Miss Knox: There's a scandalous story about her in this morning's Daily Howler." Miss Goodart: But you can't believe anything you read in that paper." Miss Knox: "I can if I want to." A lady asked Pat what was the most extraordi- nary thing that struck him in the South Afri- can War. "Well," said Pat, the most extraordi- nary thing that struck me was the bullets that missed me." Friend (to guide): Why does your wife al- ways go round with the parties that you take over the castle? Guide: She always gives me a tip at the end so as to induce the others to follow suit." There, it's raining," said Mrs. Makeshift, and we can't have our picnic to-day. Let's soak our sandwiches in lemonade, and eat them on the floor. We can get plenty of red ants in the kitchen." "They say that when an ostrich is surprised he hides his head in the sand." "I wish to thunder he'd everlastingly hide his tail there," observed the man who had just settled a heavy millinery bill." But what can you do, young man? Haven't you some special talent or taste-some bent, as they say?" Applicant (dubiously): "N no, not that I can think of-except that I am a little bow-legged." You may pay me twenty pounds down and five pounds a week," said the physician, off- hand. "bounds as if I were buying a motor- car," the patient said. "No," said the doctor, thoughtlessly; "I am." Father (at supper-table): Well, Johnny, how did you get along at school to-day?" Johnny: Papa, my physiology says conversation at meals should be of a pleasant character. Let's talk about something else." He was the bridegroom and he was waiting at the church. 1 can't imagine why my bride is late," he said. Well, you will," replied the best man, "after you're married. They are hooking her dress up the back! "Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassafras as he watched that good man at his work. "Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. You have only to say Wilt thou?' and they wilt." Mrs. Newlywed: "People are saying that you married me for my gold." Mr. Newlywed: "What nonsense! If I'd simply wanted gold, I could have got it with far less hardship and suf- fering in South Africa or Alaska." Robbie ran into the sewing-room and cried: 01), mamma! There's a man in the nursery kissing Fraulein." Mamma dropped her sewing and rushed for the stairway. April fool! said Robbie, gleefully. It's only papa." It's all nonsense about thirteen being an unlucky number." said Jones, impatiently. "I was married on the thirteenth." "I don't see that that proves anything," said the merry widow, softly, and Mrs. Jones smiled. Shakespeare says, you know, that some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall." "Well, what about it?" "Oh, nothing—nothing. I was merely goirg to say that you needn't ever be afraid of getting a fall of that kind." "I remember your wife as such a dainty and pretty girl, Tumly, and jjet they tell me she has turned out a fine cook." "Turned out a fine cook! exclaimed Tumly. "She has turned out half a dozen of them within the last three months!" Our Old Man: "Did you ever see how all the necessaries of life have gone up? Mr. Gus Fitz-Sherbert: "No, they haven't all gone up." Our Old Man: "Well, I should like to hear you mention one thing that hasn'^gone up." Gus: "Certainly. My salary." A student at a medical college was under examination. The instructor asked him: Of what cause, specifically, did the people die who lost their lives at the destruction of Hercula- neum and Pompeii?" "I think they died of an eruption, sir," answered the student. A semtry in camp with the Territorials was found asleep at his post, and was haled before the commanding officer. The C.O. was very stern and impressive. In war time," he said, the punishment for this offence is death. This is not war; nevertheless, you will have to pay a fine of threepence." Interviewer: "What is the first thing you Look for when you examine a man's head? Phreno- logist: "His bump of benevolence." Inter- viewer: "Why his bump of benevolence ( Phrenologist: So I will know how much to charge him for the examination." "We've been having a regular clearance at home," explained Mr. X. at his office, throw- ing all sorts of old things away. I put one of my' wedding presents on the fire this morning." "Did you really?" asked a horrified colleague. What was it? A copper kettle," replied X. "See here," said the tailor, as he headed the young man off, do you cross the street every time rrou see me to keep from paying this bill you owe me?" "I should say not," replied the young man. "Then why do you do it?" asked the knight of the tape. To keep you from ask- ing for it." answered the other.

Burglary at Tonypandy.

-----.--------Tonypandy.

Empire, Tonypandy,

Theatre Royal, Tonypandy.

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