Llandudno Advertiser and List of Visitors

WISE AND OTHERWISE. Wigg: "I always try to make my money last." Wagg: "I try to make mine first, and then make it last." Mother: "What's the baby crying for now?" Elsie: "Freddy was trying to make him smile with the glove-stretcher." She: My husband won't listen to reason." He: He ought to be ashamed of himself. It isn't every man that has the chance." I cannot understand why a man's wife is called his 'better half. "You would if you had to divide your salary with one! What colour eyes has your little baby sister, Bobby?" "I don't remember the colour of her eyes, but I know her voice is 'yeller. Miss Oldfield: "Did you mean that as a smile for me, Mr. Oldbeau?" Oldbeau: "No, my dear; it was a twinge of rheumatism." She vowed she wouldn't marry for ages. He swore he would wait for all time." "Well?" "They compromised, and made it a week." Mamma: "Oh, children, why are you so naughty to-day?" Children: "Why, sister said if we were good she'd sing to us to-night! Fond Mother: "I wonder what baby is think- ing of?" Fond Father: "fie is not thinking; he is listening to hear if his first tooth is coming." Book Agent: "I have a little book here on 'Things You Ought to Know! Subbubs: Then you ought to know that I don't want one." Do you think you are going to like your new neighbours?" "It's a little too early to tell. They haven't hung out their washing yet." "The doctor said he would put me on my feet again in two weeks." "Well, didn't he do it?" "Yes, he did. indeed. I had to sell my bicycle fo pay his bill! Her: Young Windig is quite a polished chap, isn't he?" Him: "I should say so! -Why! he's so polished that he can't even tell the plain, un- varnished truth Counsel (to witness): "What is your husband?" Witness: "He's a finisher." "What does he finish?" "Well, he's just finishing his time in Pentonville Prison! Ah exclaimed the lTate father, "how is it I catch you kissing my daughter, sir? Answer me, sir! How is it?" "Fine, sir; fine, indeed!" replied the young man. Father (meditating on time's changes): "Ah, yes, the fashion of this world passeth away! Daughter: "Indeed it does, papa! I shall want a new hat next week! When I want to go to sleep," said the young man, "I simply think of nothing." "But you can always concentrate your thoughts OP. your- self? asked the young lady. You must have been dreaming of some one proposing to you last night, Laura." "How is that?" "Why, I heard you for a whole quarter of an hour crying out 'Yes. "Funny thing about a man's tongue," sale Joakley. "Go ahead." said Markley. "let's have it." "When it's thick the excuses he makes to his wife are too thin." Mother (reprovingly to a youngster just ready to start for school): James, that hole was not in your glove this morning." James (promptly): IINVhere was it then, mother?" "What's all the row over the next building?" a reporter asked a policeman. Only a wooden wedding." "A wooden wedding?" "Sure. A couple of Poles is gettin' married." Dolly: "No, I won't wash my face! I just ha.te to wash my face! Grandma: Naughty, naughty When I was a little girl I always washed my face." Dolly: "Yes, and now look at it! She: "The mere thought of the furs whicfc you have promised me makes me feel warm." He: "And the mere thought of their cost makes cold shivers run down my back." Willie: "I say, father, what is the difference between 'well' and 'good'?" Father: "I have noticed, my son, that about the only time when you are good is when you are not well! Ethel: "You seem to have a great deal of trouble with your motor-car. What do you call it?" Jack: "True love." "True love? Whatever for?" "Because true love never did run smooth." Unsuccessful Sportsman (to gamekeeper): When I was in Australia I shot the biggest kangaroo the natives said they'd ever seen." Gamekeeper: "Indeed, sir! What was you a- aiming at?" Merchant (to clerk): "This won't do. Every time you see a six you call it a two. What is the matter with you—near-sighted?" Clerk: "No, sir; it's a matter of habit. I used to work in a ladies' shoe-shop." Pompous Judge (to little girl in the witness- box): "Was your father under the influence of alcohol when your mother struck him with the poker?" Little Girl: "No, sir; he was under the kitchen table." My dear," moaned the patient, as he tossed restlessly on the bed, it's the doctor I'm think- ing of. What a bill his will be!" "Never mind, Joseph," said his wife. "You know there's the insurance money." Relative: "Well, I sincerely hope you will be happy with him. Mary. Is he a steady young manf" Miss Mary: Steady! My goodness, Aunt Judy, he's been coming to see me for mere than eleven years." Anxious Mother: "Why, Johnny, what has be. come of your baby sister?" Johnny: "I dunno." Anxious Mother: "But she was here in the room with you a few minutes ago." Johnny: "Well, don't worry about her; I guess you'll find her when you sweep." These are hard lines," said the tourist, wearily, as he paused to look at the landscape. "Here I've climbed to the top of the mountain and forgot to bring my glasses with me." "That's all right," said the guide. "I'd just as soon drink from the bottle." My brother thinks the girl he is engaged to," said a man to his partner at a dinner, is an angel. He imagines he can see a halo about her head." "Poor fellow!" rejoined the partner. Shortly after marriage he will find the halo transformed into an expensive hat! You say you were in the saloon at the time of the assault referred to in the complaint?" questioned the lawyer. I was sor," replied the witness. Did you take cognizance of the bar- keeper at the time?" "I don't know what he called it, sor, but I took what the rest did." Your friend, Miss Paseay, has become quite chummy with Miss Newcombe. I don't suppose there's much difference in their ages." "I can't answer for Miss Newcombe, but there isn't any difference in Miss Passay'sage. She has been twenty- one for the past ten years to my knowledge." Virginia: "I have looked the matter over from all sides. Jack offers me a fortune and Harold nothing but his brains." Hazel: "I sup- pose you will take the one you love the best ?" Virginia: I have concluded that I can take better care of Jack's money than of Harold's brains." Did yer git any damages for bein' in that there 'bus accident, Bill?" "What-ho! Twenty quid for me and ten for the missus." "The missus! Wot! Was she 'urt?" A large expansive grin followed. "I 'ad the presence o' mind to fetch 'er one over the 'ead 'fore we was rescooed." So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you? asked a sarcastic man of a friend who had travelled. Regular comic opera' bandits, eh?" "No," said the other, "there was nothing of the comic opera style about them. The gags they used were all new!" Beg pardon, sir," said a vagrant to a well- clad Hebrew. "Veil, my friendt, vat is it?" Could you spare me sixpence, sir, please? I am starving!" "I haf no sigspenz!" "Then per- haps fourpence, sir, for a bed?" "Ach, now, mine friendt, you speaks pizness! Vere is de bed? "I don't take any stock in the professions of there politicians," the visitor was remarking. They've all got some selfish scheme to put through. You never can tell what a man has up his sleeve." "I can, Mr. Jymes," said little Clarence, butting into the conversation. You've got a dirty cuff up yours. I can see it." That house I have taken from you," said the dissatisfied tenant, "is horribly draughty. When I am sitting in the middle of the room my hair blows all over my head. Can't you do something for the windows?" "Don't you think, sir," replied the house-agent, suavely, it would be easier and cheaper for you to get your hair cut?" Aunt Polly, who had lived all her life in London, was taken by some country friends to see a meet. When the pack was brought forth Aunt Polly asked, "What's them?" "Those are the hounds! was the reply. Them the 'ounds. Why they're for all the world like dogs, pretty dears! And to think that the horrid fox is going to kill all that lot." Charles Philpotts is a member of a firm of soli- citors. His partners always call him Charlie, and the clerks in his absence call him Charlie, too. A new office-boy had noticed the familiar use of Mr. Philpott's name. One day one of the partners said to the boy, "Telephone to the theatre for two seats for 'Charley's Aunt,' please." The boy hesitated; he blushed; then he asked nervously: "Hadn't I better say 'Mr. Philpott's aunt,' eir? J

Q > €@mp fare during Easter Manoeuvres is ail right if you have if HOLBROO S S~iA SAUCE. P !!L- FAVO, ————————

LIBERAL DEMONSTRATION AT LLANDUDNO. MR. WILLIAM: JONES, M.P. AND THE: PARTY PROGRAMME. The visit of Mr William Jones,, M.P., to Llandudno attracted .a, large audience to the Town Hall on Friday evening, Mr Henry Wooldall presiding over a, most enthusiastic gathering. There was a strong gathering on the platform, including the Revs. John Raymond, and J. Wesley Whitmore, Messrs. J. J. Mlarks, T. W. Griffith, O1. W. Roberts, Robert Roberts, Spinther James, ■— Peacock, Wm. Thomas (Wihite House), etc., etc,. Mr Henry Woodall, in opening the meeting, said there was no single in- dividual present who did not feel that the passing of Sir H. Campbell-Bannerman from the scene of his labours was a cause for national lamentation, for he wa,s one of the most ardent and sympathetic lead- ers that ever held the reins of Govern- ment or guided, the fortunes of a party. (Applause.) They would all hope that, having cast aside the cares of office, he might be spared through many years to rejoice in the growth of the reforms which he had done so much to foster.—(Ap- plause.) A resolution moved by the President and seconded by Mr J. AliciMaster, was passed congratulating Mir Asquith upon his appointment to the Premiership,, and pledgng the meeting to give its loyal sup- port to the Licensing and other policies of the Government. Mr M'Master urged Mr William Jones to bring in a bill closing public-houses on all election days. It, was time, he said, to prevent the "Trade" from bamboozling, dragooning, and drugging the people into voting as they had done in recent elections. Mr William Jones, who followed and was very heartily received, said that though the Liberal party had lost their stalwart and beloved leader, whom every section respected for his honesty, sincerity, humanity, geniality, and con- summate conciliatory p,ower-(apiplau,se)- the captaincy had fallen into the hands of one of the most powerful intellects in the political world and one of the most cap- able administrators of modern times.- (Appla.use.) When 'Mr Asquith was Minister of Home Affairs he appointed for the first time women inspectors of factories, and Wales would always re- member him as the Minister who intro- duced the great measure for securing re- ligious equality in the, Principality.- (Applause.) As Chancellor of the Ex- chequer he had greatly improved the finances of the country, and there was a surplus this year of nearly five millions. —(Applause.. Mr Jones also eulogised the work and the extraordinary abilities of Mr Lloyd George, who was expected to succeed Mr Asquith as Chancellor of the Exchequer. He went on to detail the programme of the new Liberal Administration, which would be solidly supportedl, he said, by the great progressive majority of the House of Commons. The programme in- cluded the maintenance of Free Trade, the reform of the Poor Law, the fairer valua- tion of land, and licensing reform. The Licensing Bill was explained at length, and in paticular Mr William Jones de- fended the fourteen years' limit. The licenses," even undier Mr Balfour's Act, were not freehold, he said. Even now any licence might be refused renewal if its holder was convicted, but, added Mir Jones, should the time limit not be suffi- cient it might, be increased. Referring to land reform, the speaker said that with the SmallHoldings Act, a fair Valuation Act, and co-operative associations, he hoped that the country wouild, by and by be populated by producers of butter, bacon, and eggs such as prosperous Free Trade Denmark produced so successfully.—(Ap- plause.) M,r O. W. Roberts, in pro-posing a. vote of confidence in Mr Wm. Jones, said that he would: like to see him oftener at Llan- dudno. His visits were very much appre- ciated and productive of much good to the cause.—(Applause.) He looked for-. ward with great interest. and expectation to the promised measure of Poor1 Law re- form which would follow the report of the Royal Commission, and hoped for one thing provision would be made for en- abling all children now condemned to the workhouse to be brought up in cottaige homes.-(Applau,se.) He also hoped that not work, although able-bodied, would although able-bodied, not work, would be drastically dealt with.—(Applause.) Mr James Marks seconded the votel, which was most enthusiastically carried. Mir Jones, in reply, said he believed in going round the villages as much as possible.—(Hear, hear.) That was one reason he had left, Llandudno to the last, but another was that he had a. promise from Mr Birrell to visit the town.— (Applause.) Just at present, however, that minister had found! it impossible to come, but the promise still held good, and he hoped that on his next visit Mr Birrell would accompany him.(Applause.) Two questions were then handed to Mr Jones, the first of which asked his reason for voting in the majority against the- un- employment bill introduced on behalf of the Labour party. In reply Mr Jones saidi that he was not going to be a party to the turning out of the Government. The Bill contained some very useful clauses, but the. third was altogether too drastic. This statement .was received with cries of "No, no" from the back of the hall, but Mr Jones maintained that it was too drastic and that the Government by means of re-afforestation, reclaiming the fore- shore, etc., would, when the Royal Com- missioners had completed their work, deal with the problem in a, variety of ways which would, considerably reduce the number of unemployed. A vote of thanks to the Chairman, pro- posed by Mr Jones, and seconded by Mr T. W. Griffith, terminated the meeting.

ASTHMA, BRONCHITIS, Catarrh, and Blood Spitting. EXTRAORDINARY CURE. Mrs. Joel Chapman, Maulden Poad, Flitwick. near Ampthill, Beds., writes :—" For over twenty years I suffered dreadfully from bronchitis and asthma, which was attended with catarrh and blood spitting, and I could scarcely breathe on acconnt of the accumulation of phlegm in the air passages. I thought I should never be any better, but one day I tried Veno's Lightning Cough Cure, and was re- lieved after one dose, and found great comfort. I cculd breathe freely and naturally through the nose, the blood-spitting was at once stopped, and I got so much relief that 1 don't know how to thank you enough for what Veno's Lightning Cough Cure has done for me." Veno's Lightning Cough Cure can be got for 9-1d., Is. ld, and 2s. 9d. a bottle everywhere.

VIr" Father: "'Now what did the teacher say when you showed him the translation I helped you with last nght 1" Son "He said that I was getting more and more stupid every day. Passenger: This is a very slow train, conductor. Conductor: Yes, sir! I think it's the fault of them sleeping cars behind.

nk JfalT" 1 a ■ 1«1»J. ■ JHTl ijgnj^k iiWBBLiiT 111 g TlJJBMrg1 r 1 HeM Office R.J. PAULL. ii EN ER AL )V%ANAG EP. L L9 N D 49? M. AND SECRETARY. ACI: N -N Jill ] Agtmi ALFRED G GH, Llewelyn Chambers, Llandudno. HIGH CLASS GROCERY, PROVISIONS & BAKERY ESTABLISHMENTS. H. ft J. OWEN, The Up-to-Date Grocers, LLANDUDNO, DEGANWY & PEiN RHYNSIDE. :0:- COME OiN C E- that's all we ask. The Quality of the Groceries you buy will draw you back again. Telephones: 21, Llandudno. 16, Conway. BQEje-Et. The C. adies' Friend, Would like every lady to know that her FAMOUS FEMALE PILLS excel all others. Is. ljd, 2s. 9d., and 4s. 6d. per box, post free. A useful book for married ladies. Address 56, HILL STREET, MIDDLES- BOROUGH. Established 36 years. Mention this paper when writing. CLAXTONB MUSIC DEPOT. Adjoining Moon's Hotel. Pianos! PiaIlos i A J-Iarge Consignment of Collard & Colla,rd7s World- renowned Pianos just ar- rived. Splendid Selection of Violins by Colin Mezin, Becker, Chipot Vrullaume, from zel to £ 50. The Conservatory Estenblle First Violin Strings, 4 for li-, ARTISTS* MATERIALS KEPT IN STOCK. LOWER MOSTYN STREET, LLANDUDNO, EDWARD THORP & SONS Contractors to H.M. War Department, Builders, Shop Fitters, & Funeral Furnishers, Breton W LLANDUDNO. Telegrams- Thorp. Tele. 0296. w LADIES -im We want an opportunity to convince you that pii&NCHARD'S APIOL OD STEEL PILLS Supersede Pennyroyal, Pil Cochia & Bitter Apple. We will s-!nrl yon sample free on receipt of two stamps) for postage LESLIE MARTYN, LTD., CHEMISTS, 34. DAL. ST ON LANE, LONDON. £ 5 TO £ 5,000. Interest 2/6 in the £ W. JACKSON, 70, Plymouth Grove, MANCHESTER. Telephone 23+ Rsnholme. JSL. J. Fleet, Music Warehouse. Penrhyn Road, COLWYN BAIf Instruments by the best makers on sale or for Hire. First Class Tuners & Repairers ORGANS,. PIANOFORTES, AMERICAN ORGANS, HARMONIUMS. Tuner to Pier Pavilion, Llandudno, and Victoria Pavilion, Colwyn Bay.