The Brecon Reporter and South Wales General Advertiser

HXTKACTS FROM PUNCH," St" FUN." Topsy-Turvy Papers. THE SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CETTBLTY TO HUMAN BEINGS. BY AN ANIMAL. The time happily has. at length arrived when phi- lanthropy, in the true sense of that much perverted word, reigns supreme in every well-constituted brtfast, from that of the lion to that of the whitebait. A society has accordingly been formed whose special mission it will be to shield the featherless biped, long known as man, from the outrages to which he has been subjected hitherto. No candid tiger will deny that, pleasant as human flesh may be, if considered from a purely epicurean point of view, the infliction, of unnecessary suffering' upon, the victim is unworthy of any benevolent wild beast. The man our instinct dooms to die to-day, had he our instinct would he skip and play ? Let it not be conceived that we advocate the wild theory of such vegetarians as the cow. Animal nature re- quires human food, and the writer of these lines will never allow a merely sentimental hypothesis to blind him to the gastronomical merits of a plump baby, raw. No; but let us put our destined meal to as little pain as possible. It is right to gratify hunger; it is reprehensible to mangle and to tear. It is, therefore, with considerable satisfaction that we announce the accession to the Directorial Board of the lion, the tiger, the wolf, the puma, and the jaguar. There ha's not yet been time to receive an answer from the polar bear; but there is reason to believe that he will readily embrace the proposal-unless he should have already embraced, a little too heartily, the mes- senger of this society. The dog-long notorious as the friend of man-hàs heartily co-operated with the committee. In a very lucid communication he asserts that it really does not give him the slightest personal pleasure to suffer from hydrophobia; that when, during hot weather, he runs about in an apparently rabid manner, it is not because he is ferocious, but merely because he is thirsty; and. that if he were less frequently muzzled, he would not so often go mad. He complains bitterly of certain articles that have lately appeared in the columns of the public press; and, he declares with truly cynical humoulr that if he encounters the writers thereof, he will try the effect, upon the public press, of a little private pressure. He will be delighted, however, to dwell in peace and amity with all other mortals; in fact, his ferocity will henceforth be entirely suspended —the public press alone excepted The bull declines to join; founding his objections upon the well-known doctrine of design, and pointing (with his hoof) to his horns as evidences that he was meant to toss. On two conditions alone will he ab- stain from goring; namely, that the human race shall forthwith abandon the culture of horse-radish! and that the town of Durham shall be razed to the earth And with regard to the Entomological Fellows of this society, assurances of future good conduct and humanity have been received from one of the most agile, lively, and industrious of their number. Naval Revolvers. For Mr. Punch, Sir,—Turrets! Queer lingo, that. Tt.7 s?n who is a millwright, and has never been afloat (like hia father, who s&cved under Dund&s and Cod- rmgton), takes his stand on these turrets. But when an old salt like me tries to do it, my head swims and I reels overboard. For it strikes me (I speak from specilation) that when an enemy's shot strikes these turrets, they spin round like a patent iron chimney pot. Ami right? Please) say if possible, in your next) which I reads regularly on 1-Tree-Hill every Wednesday afternoon. For I likes my Punch cool this weather. Of course, Britannia always did and always will rule the waves, but how she is to rule 'em straight with a revolver puzzles me altssrether. So no more at present from your humble sarvant, T j >4. 1.1. TOM BRINEY. P.S. Mind! I don t want to hit these turrets too hard; but Steady, aye steady," is my motto. Politesse in Politics. Oh, Mr. Mill must surely be a most gallant young man," Said Portia to her pensive friend who sat behind her fan, "For he thinks that each young person who her name cerrectly signs Should have a voice in Parliament like Like whose P Louisa Pyne's ? "Nos dear, like ten pound householders-that is a. right to vote „ Fgr Captain Scamper, who that funny book of travels wrote. How charming it. will be to have the darling captain call In his curricle to take one to the poll at tine Town- ball. Of course I shall be bound to plump (how nice !) for him, and you, Matilda, I presume, will give a little plumper too! No, Portia," said her friend, severe, "you may plump if you will; But I shall say, 'Sir, take a seat,' and be a lady still." Theological Horology. There's this to say about the Scotch, So bother bannocks, braes, and birks They can't produce a decent watch, For Calvinists despise good works.

STRIKE HOME !—A lady writes to us very indig- nantly about the reported strike at Marseilles, where about 6,000 bachelors have pledged themselves to re- nounce matrimony until the local damsels renounce expensive ways in dress. Oar correspondent says that nothing better might be expected of wretches who are noted for their Ma- sales those who could sell their mothers are not likely to have any domestic tastes. [N.B. We insert this to oblige the lady, but must be allowed to draw the line: a man of domestic tastes might very excusably feel a desire to sell a ma-in- law.] THE BEST TARGET FOR MARINE PRACTICE IN SUMMER.—The water-butt. A PLEASANT "OPERATION" DURING HOT WEATHER.—Cupping claret.

A BOLD STROKE FOR AN HEIRESS. Adolphus Gower was a London merchant, who had risen from the poor boy that had swept the shop to be one of the wealthiest men in the city of London. He was not very intellectual himself, and his wife was still less so, but she loved to be thought fashionable, and liked flattery. Mr. and Mrs. Gower had one only daughter, Matilda, who was past thirty, and not at all handsome; yet, in consequence of her great ex- pectations, she had received several offers of marriage, which her father effectually resisted. She was rather masculine than feminine, and her intellect was not over bright. She was a great lover of flattery, and as the presumed heiress of immense wealth, received a multiplicity of attention. Mrs. and Miss Gower had taken it into their heads to visit Earnmington Spa during the season, and, as their wealth became known, they were well received into society, and flattered to their hearts' content. Amongst their most ardent flatterers was Mr. Malus, a well-known fortune-hunter, the first and the last in parsuit only of mammon. Yes, unromantic as it might seem, Mr. Mains began to feel that he could not much longer live as a "man about town"—he must find an heiress. There were not so many pigeons to be plucked as formerly-gentlemen did not give so much time to billiards, there was scarcely anything to be got by that; they would not always play whist, and if they did, perhaps they did not care to make Malus one of the party. To say truth, our friend was better known than respected. His matrimonial speculations had not been as pros- perous as he expected; upon two or three occasions the lady had been willing, but parents always objected. In society he was amusing, and as he had never done any outrS acts he was permitted, rather than invited, everywhere. The G-owars' visit to Uemmington he considered a godsend; he was their constant atten- dant, obtained for them invitations here and there, and made himself both interesting and amusing. He still prided himself, however, on his personal quali- fications and. his entertaining manners, although he was fast getting into the meridian of life, and either affected or assumed a connection with the great majority of the upper ten thousand, whose pedigree Mr. Dodd so obligingly supplies. Mr. Mains, with all his accomplishments and high blood, had met with many disappointments. In early life he wanted title, wealth, and beauty combined in the lady of his choice, but as he never found one to come up quite to his ambitious ideas he had latterly given them up. He studied the characters of both mother and daughter,, and felt quite sure of winning them over to his cause whenever he chose. For a whole month he worked very carefully, and was finally rewarded with these words from the lips of the heiress- "You may ask papa." But papa was attending to his business in London, and was not likely to visit Bemmington Spa daring the season; so the lover contented himself with playing the agreeable, and when mother and daughter declared their intention of returning home, professed he had a sudden call to town, and desired to accom. pany them on their journey. Of course, Malus was invited to the villa at St. John's-wood, and introduced to the old gentleman. Now Mr. Gower was one of tha old school; there was no beating about, the bush with him, and he took the first opportunity of saying.: "So you want Matilda for a wife, do you ? And the merchant scrutinised the suitor narrowly. Yes, sir, I have a sincere regard for her, and I have the supreme happiness of knowing that this is reciprocated, and it remains for you to decide our happiness or misery." Well, Matilda is old enough to have a husband, and I suppose she wants one; but, my young man, I must know something more about you before I give my consent to your marriage with my daughter. To say truth, the women have spoken well of you, but I must know who 5ou are, and what means you have of keep. ing a wife." Certainly, my dear air, certainly," said Mains. "I have not spoken much of my worldly possessions, be- cause I conceive that there are other things more necessary to happiness in the married state. Yet I quite agree with you that it is very desirable we should understand one another on these matters. I am not so wealthy as you are, I am not so old, nor perhaps so prudent, but still I have enough. "How much?" asked old Gower, sententiously. What is the value of your property? Really, my dear sir, I could not give you the amount in pounds, shillings, and pence; I have, how- ever, a nice little freehold property in Ashfconviile, that's worth something. I have always looked upon this as one of the heirlooms of the family, and have never calculated its marketable value; I have only considered the rental, which, one year with another, might bring me Y,1,200 a year; then, I have some mining property, which fluctuates considerably; but I should be under the mark rather than over if I were to set my gross income at < £ 2,000 per annum. I must confess, ho wever, that for the last year or two I have been going rather fast; but this will scarcely reduce my property R200 a year; and should I be so for- tunate as to gain the hand of your daughter, I would settle down in my country place and live within my means." "I suppose you love my daughter because she is handsome ? slyly asked Mr. Gower. "JSTo, sir," replied Malus, "it was not her beauty I was smitten with at my first interview. I even con- sidered her plain, but there is no accounting for these things. My regard seemed to grow every time I saw her. I kne/v not then that she had a wealthy parent. She appeared to be the very partner I desired; one who would wean me from the empty pleasures and nonsense of youth, and of course my regard increased when I found I had made a favourable impression upon b«r." Upon my word, Mr. Malus, you speak very honourably, and I begm to have a liking for you; that is, I don't object to taking your case into consideration, and if I find you all right I shall be proud of you as a aon-in-Iaw." You will never repent it, sir." Very well, young man; you go home to your place at Ashtonville, and some day during the week I shall come and see you. I have a wish to see you in your own home, and then, sir, you shall have my answer." This did not quite suit Malus; but he dared not objeot, he found that the old man was determined to see things for kimself, and he must be prepared to meet him, so he professed to be highly pleased at the idea. My dear sir," he said, "it will afford me immense pleasure to see you at my humble residence. Ashton- ville is a pretty place; were you ever there ? "I ha.ve passed through it on my way to Windet- mere; but never stopped there." "You know where the church is P "Yes." And you remember the little lake beyond it P Yes." "And do you remember, near the margin of the lake, upon a gentle eminence, there is a fine grove of trees, and a pretty villa residence ?" Yes, I remember it well." "That is my house, and I shall be exceedingly gratified when you visit me there." "I will certainly come, you may depend upon me when I give my word I never break it." "Thank you, sir; how greatly you relieve my mind." Away startea Charles Mallis to the villa residence of his bosom friend Rutherford, which was the place he had described to his intended father-in-law. My dear Tom!" was his first greeting. You told me you were going to Paris soon." "Ye3, I must." "Then, go this week." Why so, Malus ? What's TLPIP", I want to use your house." "Eh! I don't understand you." Don't ask any questions, my dear fellow; but be a friend, and go at once." "You are scheming for the hand of Miss Gower, I suspect." You are right." Well, and I think you are mad. The old man cannot long be deceived, and remember, whatever your schemes may be, I am not supposed to know anything about it." I will hold you clear of all blame, and, as to the old gentleman, I don't care how soon he discovers the deception softer I am married." But suppose he should seal up his money bags." He'd have too much pride to allow his daughter to be penniless." I don't know. I think he is one that would not care what the world said, but weuld cut both you and his daughter off without a farthing from very vexa- tion." Well, suppose he did," replied Malus, curling his moustache; "my course is plain enough. I'll get all the money I can and leave Matilda to shift for her- self. I cannot be worse off than I am now. It's a bold stroke, but I'm bound to do it. Will you be kind enough to start for Paris at once ?" Well, it so happens that I intended to go the day ( after to-morrow: I suppose that will be early enough for you? Yes, Tom, that will do, but I have one thing more to ask you: you must let me stay here all next week, and take charge of your premises; and you must in- struct your servants to obey me as though I were their master. You'll do that, won't you, Tom P -It will make a man of me; you'll see I'll catch the old buffer." "Yes. I'll do it; at the same time I firmly believe that in the end you will have the worst of it." "Leave that to me, whatever comes I will be satisfied." Now Matilda Gower had really seen no one she liked better than Mr. Charles Malu3, and her firm belief that he was a perfect gentleman; and con- sidering that she was getting fast into the. sere and yellow leaf, she was exceedingly anxious not to lose the chance of so desirable a husband, and was dter- mined her parent should have no peace till he had paid the promised visit. The day was at length fixed, and all the preparations were being made for the journey, but unfortunately Mr. Gower's hair and whiskers had become very grey, and after much persuasion he had consented to go under the hands of a perruquier. Matilda determined to keep him to his word. Now, dear papa," she said, while the preparations were going forward, "you know what you promised mamma and myself. You said you would have your whiskers coloured before you went on your journey. Oh, it would make you look so much younger." "Oh, Miss Matilda; I know what you think; you fancy a young looking papa would make the daughter appear more juvenile." "Oh, don't talk so foolish, papa. You make me blush; you know I don't think of myself; but those horrid-horrid white whiskers, I can't endure them. You know what you said yourself, that you really must have them cut off, or otherwise coloured." I should catch cold if I had them cut off." "Then do the other thing." Mr. Gower could not resist the appeal, so he went to his hairdresser and had his whiskers coloured to a beautiful dark glossy brown. It may have made him look younger, but it certainly made him look very odd; however, his wife and daughter were pleased, and he was satisfied. On the following morning Mr. Gower started for Ashtonville. At the urgent solicitation of his wife e and daughter he had donned his best attire, and, to use madame's own expression, he looked as though he had just come out of a band-box as he took his seat in the cab which was to convey him to the station. A very monotonous journey had Mr. Gower: he was ten hours before he arrived at the station, which was within twelve miles of his journey, and this distance he had to travel as best he could; so he went to the village inn, a-ad ordered the only conveyance obtain- able-a one-horse trap, and he flattered himself he was going to have a comfortable drive, after being pent up so many hours in a railway-carriage. He was not, however, by any means a clever whip, and felt rather nervous when the ostler told him they had no one they could spare to go with him, so he must drive him. self; he took courage, however, when assured that the horse was perfectly quiet, only a little shy." Poor fellow! he was quite innocent of the danger of the latter term. Away went the oil-merchant over the country road, and he thought how fine it was to breathe the pure fresh air of autumn among the hills and lakes of Cumberland. As he rode thus with hia thoughts wandering, he did not see the commotion in a little thicket by the way-side, but the horse saw it, and also a great donkey, of which he seemed to have a par- ticular antipathy, and endeavoured to leap the opposite bank; in doing so, however, he upset the vehicle, and poor Mr. Gower was thrown into a deep pool of water. But the ill-fated merchant was not clear of danger; he had got his feet entangled in the reins, and the horse in drawing the prostrate vehicle along with him, dragged the unfortunate driver over mud and stones to a can- siderable distance. At length the horse released himself from the vehicle, and from Mr. Gower's feet also, and went dashing along at a most furious rate. But the intended father-in-law thought little about the horse that he had hired, he had enough to do to attend to his own case. He shook himself-then moved one leg, then the other; then put out his right arm, then his left; and finally came to the joyful con- clusion that he was alive, with no bones broken, and with, no serious injuries. But his clothes were in an awful plight; his coat was completely torn off, his vest all bedaubed, his trousers tattered and muddy, and his linen wet and soiled; in fact, he looked like a man of mud and rags. But Adolphus Gower, in his own words, put himself together," and began to think what he should do. He was a business man, and whatever he undertook he was determined to carry out. Half a mile ahead he saw a house, and when he reached it he found that his horse had been stopped there and taken care of; the animal was not injured, but the vehicle was a complete wreck. The dwelliag he reached was a very humble abode, but there was HO other house within sight, and the shades of evening were fast coming on, and of course Mr. Gower could not go to Ashtonville in rags; the poor farmer must lend him some ciothes. The host, however, had no other garments to offer than the suit he had worn on Sundays for the last thirty years- nothing but an old-fashioned blue coat, yellow waist. coat, and drab unmentionables. "Never mind," said the merchant; "give me the best you have 1 will pay you handsomely for them. The garments were produced. They were darned and patched, yet were clean and tidy. The peasant was a large, broad-shouldered man, and his clothes were an over-fit for the merchant Mr. Gower looked at himself, after he had made the matamorphis, and he chuckled at the oddity of his appearance. he said, c; I don't believe my own wife would know me!" It does make a difference," said the farmer; but you look better now than you did before-leastways you must be more comfortable." "Certainly, certainly. Ha! what's that? There's a carnage coming down the read, and going in the same direction as I am. Do you think you could get me a seat ?" "It is a return fly, that has been taking Squire Broadacre home. I have no doubt Jock Thompson will take you whereever you want to go, providing you pay him something for it. The carriage was soon stopped, and, as the peasant suggested, a bargain easily made with Jock Thompson to convey the merchant to Ashtonville. Arrived at the village, he passed the church, he passed the lake, and sood afterwards turned up into the broad park in front of a handsome villa. It was eertainly a beauti- ful place, though the merchant fancied he could see signs of decay. However, if the owner was so much from home, he probably did not trouble himself about keeping all these little matters looked after. It was just about sunset when Mr. Gower left the carriage, alter having handsomely paid the driver, and walked up to the villa. Here he saw Mr. Malus standing upon the: piazza., smoking a cigar. '• Ah, good day, sir! said Adolphus Gower, in hia u rvf a?1' you re eDJ°ying yourself, I see." • j ir i ~T. are y0XLi yon rusty old curmudgeon P'' cried Malus, disdainfully. KgW broke in upon the old merchant malus did not recognise him, and no wonder, wiih his beard so darkly dyed, and in that strange' garb, hia most intimate friend might pas3 him unnoticed. And he determined to turn this to advantage, and bv means of his disguise, get a better insight into' the done^ man S e!aaracter ^an could otherwise have .n poor ^rava1J-er; and am tired and hungry," said Mr. Gower. Mr '^Maluf° res^ yourself." replied "You are not a very kind man," suggested Mr. Gower. "I'll soon show you I'm a trump at kicking if yon. don't take yourself off out of the way, you eonfounded old fool. At this juncture a man came round from the yard and stepped upon the piazza. He was in a working garb, and smelt strongly of the stables." "Bill says you want the Cossack colt saddled, sir," he said, addressing Malus. 1 Of course I do," returned the wife-hunting hero and I'm in a hurry, too, for I expect to meet a friend on the road." "You'd better take some other horse, sir." (" No, I want that." I can't saddle him, sir; master said h,e was not to boused, Did not your master tell you that I was to be the governor while he was away P" you'd have charge here till he came bac £ Then do as I tell you. Put the saddle upon tha Cossack colt. Can't do it, sir." "By the ghost of St. Peter you will do it." No sir, I can't, it would be as much as my place is worth." "_Then I'll do it myself." Now the groom knew well what kind of person he had to deal with, and moreover he had heard his master laugh over the bold attempt to catch an heiress which the adventurer was making, so the respect ha had for Mr. Malus was very little, and his fear of offending him was less still. All this time the "Old Codger" (as he was significantly called) in the darned and patched clothing was unnoticed. 10 "If," said the groom, any horses are to be taken out, I'll take them myself;" and as he spoke he looked at Mr. Malus rather impudently. The colt shall not come out to-day," he said. "We'll see," said Malus, at the same time starting as if about to proceed to the stables. By the powers," said the groom, "you lay a hand upon that colt and I'll thrash you as I would a dog." "You infernal wretch, you villain! what do yon mean? "Oh you need not put any of those fine airs ont for though Mr. Rutherford does allow you to play the master here, that vou may draw the feather over the eye of the London merchant, you must not try your hand over me, or attempt to meddle with my affairs. Now just put a hand on that colt and see what I'll do." Malus was white with passion, but when he gazed on the burly form of the hard-fisted groom, he con- sidered it unwise to make any warlike demonstration, and in a little while he so far recovered himself, that he was enabled to laugh, and declare he meant no harm. "If Tom expressly ordered that this colt must not be used," he said, "you may bring me what you like." After the groom had gone, Malus turned round and saw the man in the strange apparel making his way off from the house. The groom, however, soon re- turned, and Mains having mounted the horse he had saddled for him, took a ride towards the railway-sta- tion, hoping that he might meet his intended father- in-law. On returning from his ride he found a letter had been left for him in his absence; he broke the seal and read as follows ,T T. August 18,1861. My dear sir,—I have called upon you according to agree- ment, and have seen all I possibly desire. An accident on the road rendered it necessary for me to procure clothing from. a poor farmer on the way-side, and hence my garb was not at all suited to one in your station, and it may be that you were not pleased with another little change that had been made in my personal appearance. I had allowed my barber to dye my whiskers, however, as that was done to please my daughter, I suppose you will find no fault with it. And now, as I have made my promised visit, you must call upon me at my office if you wish to see me again. Per- haps when Tom Rutherford returns he will let you have the Cos sack colt, so that you can come in style. With deep consideration and wonderful amazement, I am understandingly yours, ■M- ADOLPHUS GOWEE. ML\ Charles Malus threw down the letter, and gave utterance to a great many profane words; but what was the use? He had made a bold effort and missed his mark, and he must now turn his wits in some new direction. Mr. Gower did not regret the accident which hap- pened to him on the road, nor did he regret paying the innkeeper for the broken vehicle; had he reached Ashtonville in his own proper style, he might have been taken in by a wife-hunter. Poor Matilda was at first inclined to hysterics when she heard of her lover's perfidy, but she finally over- came her grief, and, before many months had elapsed, her feelings towards Malus had so changed that she read with satisfaction the account of his imprison' ment for issuing counterfeit money.

A LADY FORGER. On Thursday, at the Warwick Assizes, before Mr Justice Biackburn, Hannah Maria Wedgewood, the wife of Mr. William Robert Wedgewood, of Greyshot- hall, Hampshire, was indicted for forging and uttering a promissory note for Xl,000, at Birming- ham, on the 16th of May last. Mr. Kennedy prosecuted; Serjeant O'Brien defended. The case for the prosecution was, that in 1861 the prisoner commenced negotiating loans with a Mr. Williams, solicitor, of Birmingham, after representing that a lady named Jones had made a will bequeathing her xiolooo. In April, 1864, these loans amounted to the large sum of All,650, the repayment of which 'T IF request of the prisoner, until 1865. In May, 1864, she negotiated by correspondence, through Mr. Williams, a further ^1.000, which was advanced by Mr. Holdsworthy, of Birmingham, at sixteen per cent, interest, For this loan a promissory note was given as security, endorsed by Miss Jones, Westfield-hall, bpilsby, and other highly respectable persons. The ^hole_of the transactions with Mr. Williams were eon- ducted by the prisoner by correspondence, and ia all cases she represented she was acting on behalf of some one else-sometimes for Miss Jones, at others for her sister, and sometimes for other persons. The defence was that the prisoner had acted as the agent and under the direction of her husband. The jury found the prisoner guilty, and, in reply to the learned judge, Mr. Williams said that the total amount the prisoner had obtained by forgery was 12,OOO. She was sentenced to seven years' penal servitude.

Feund Drowned in the River.—On Saturday evening an inquest was held in High-street, Wrapping respecting the death of a male person, unknown ap- parently about twenty-five years of age, who 'was found floating in the river Thames by a waterman A paper was found on the deceased bearing the name of William Guyton, of the Royal Marines, Chatham, stating that the person named was incapacitated from duty through some bodily mfirmity. The Royal Marine authorities, Chatham, had been written to, bat no reply had been sent. The medical evidence showed that death had resulted from drowning. The iurv returned an open verdict of "Found drowned in tha river." # Threatening to Shoot a Magistrate.—At the petty sessions held at Bury, a retired cotton manu- facturer named Thomas Tattersall was brought up on the charge of having threatened to shoot Mr. Richard Kay, one of-the magistrates of the Bury division. It appeared that the prisoner had been much exasper- ated, in consequence of a decision which the magistrates had given in a case which came before them, and being subject to almost uncontrollable excitability, he made use of threatening language, but in extenuation said he had no intention to carry the threat into execution. He was required to find surety for his future good behaviour, himself in .£100, and two sureties of = £ 50 each, or in default to be imprisoned one month. He was also charged with threatening to shoot a police I officer, and on the conclusion of the evidence a similar I decision was come to as in the previous CMe.