Symud i'r prif gynnwys
Cuddio Rhestr Erthyglau

11 erthygl ar y dudalen hon





[No title]



FACTS AND F ACETIÆ. LINGER not in dilatory preparation tiU the. poor of opportunity be shut. '•WHY, Tom, my dear fellow, liow old you look! "Dare say, Bob for the fact is, I never tas ,.J so old before in my life." AN empty bottle must certainly be a very dan- gerous thing, if we may judge from the fact that many a, man has been found dead with one at his side. A FRENCHMAN, wishing to speak of the cream of the English poets, forgot the word, and said, "De butter of poets." A TUTOR at, Cambridge bad been examining some lads in Latin; but in a little while excused him- self, and said he must speak English, for his mouth was very sore.- OVER 14,000 sandwiches are cut and eaten eve'ry week in the Paris Exhibition. It is proposed to import some Sandwich Island inhabitants to do the business. A GENTLEMAN who was determined to outdo the horticulturist who raised chickens from egg-plants, has succeeded in producing a colt from a horse-chestnut, and a calf from a cow-ard. NEAT AND CANDID.—When somebody once taunted a very stiy man with his silence, the bashful one replied, Talking is all very well when you have any- thing to say, but I have nothing." MAXIM BY A MISANTHROPE.—The last place in which I should look for the milk of human kindness is, the pale of civilisation. THERE is a man in town so knowing, that people who don't know their own minds come to him for infor- mation on the subject. THE singing of a kettle in one respect resembles the singing of a stage singer. An attempt to overdo it will be followed by a hiss. THERE is a man in New York in possession of a powerful memory. He is employed by the Humane Society to "remember the poor." I THERE is a man in Totnes so witty, that his wife manufactures all the butter that the family use from the cream of his jokes. A GENTLEMAN who had been spending the even- ing with a few friends, looking at his watch just after midnight, said, It is to-morrow morning! I must bid you good night, gentlemen." WHAT are you thinking of, my man?" said Lord Hill to a soldier, leaning in a gloomy mood upon his firelock after the battle of Salamanca. "I was thinking, my lord," said the man, how many widows and orphans I have this day made for one shilling." He had fired 690 rounds of ball that day. Two countrymen went into a hatter's to buy a hat. They were delighted with one, inside of which was a looking-glass. What's that glass for ?" said one of the men. The other, impatient at such a display of rural ignorance, exclaimed-" What for? For the man who buys the hat to see how it fits him, stupid." A HORTICULTURIST advertised that he would supply all sort of fruit trees and plants, especially pie- plants of all kinds. A gentleman thereupon sent him an order for one package of custard pie seed, and a dozen mince-pie plants. The gentleman promptly filled the order by sending him four goose eggs and a small dog. A CONTEMPORARY thus chronicles a scene in a church on an occasion of a marriage The bride en- tered the church leaning on the arm of her father. She was accompanied by lace and white satin, a veil of Brussels net, and a vrreath of four brides-maids." We only hope that all's well that ends well. IT used to be said of the pre-eminently beauti- ful Misses Gunning, who made such a prodigious sensa- tion in the fashionable world about the middle of last century, and one of whom (Maria) became Countess of Coventry, that they were toasted in every assembly of men, and roasted in every assembly of women. AN old clergyman, one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to the congregation that, in the course of the week, he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this before; what shall we do?"—"Oh, brother said the minister, 1 don't expect to go out of town." HARD LINES FOR THE POSTMAN. The Quebec Chronicle says :—Travellers by steamer up the river Ottawa will have observed on the north shore of the Lake of Two Mountains a small village situate on a cliff, showing a face to the lake of bright yellow sand, and they have been told that they see an Indian village. The community here resident have just petitioned for the establishment among them of a post-office. The memorial has the signatures of Irroquois and Algonquin chiefs—Saoatis-kurai-iarakoen-kanegatake, Jakomisakie, L. Satexasenoten, Sosekatsien Haienton, B. Kekatewaje, and others. It is proposed to give the village the name of Oka. f THE LATEST SENSATIONAL ADVERTISE- MENT.—My ever most precious one, your letter was indeed a bright gleam in a long night, and I thank God for it, and more, that it was written in the old way, as only my treasure could write. I am well now, dear, and need not say how I have and do long to write and hear. If I still care Oh, could you know all, you would not have said "if." But you do, you must know your Willie is ever the same, and always prays for your happiness. Write when you are able. If you hear of me visiting you will know it is to hear of you, dear. God bless you, mv darling.—Ever your own Willie. WHO WILL ADOPT A FATHER AND HIS CHILDREN ? The following advertisement recently appeared in the favoured columns of a contemporary To those who are rich but lonely and desolate.—The advertiser, who has suffered the loss of fortune, and who has to struggle hard for the simplest fare, feels assured that in some nook and corner of our land there are some who, though comfortably rich, yet have no relatives, and perhaps scarcely a friend, who might be willing to adopt him as a son. The advertiser is a gentleman by birth, education, and profession, is married, and has seven children. He would gladly take the name of his bene- factor, and endeavour to show his gratitude by every means in his power." Who would be without grand- children when he may have seven at a sweep, by the simple expedient of adopting their interesting father ECCENTRICITIES OF AUTHORS.— Bulwer rit "Night and Mornin." What he did the rest ov the day is not staited. Collins rit "After Dark." Praps he coodn't rite so well bi day. Le Fanu, he rit All in the Dark." I don't see how he did it without a lite. How cood he dot the i's or kross the t's ? Sum orthor rote Bound tu the Wheel." What an unkumfortable possislimi tu rite in bound tu a wheel! Thunder! Carpenter rit Six Months at the White House." I spose that was as long as he stade there, his time bein out. Gilmor rote 11 Four Years in the Saddle," so tis sed. He must hev lied a quiet horse." Sum orthor rote "All for the Best," That must hev ben Seward. That's him klean throo. Miss Mulock rote "Nothin New." This cood be sed ov menny others with grate propriety. Harrington rit "Inside." I take it for granted that most peeple du. It woodn't be kumfortable ritein on the sidewalk in rainy wether. Sum orthor, hoo didn't give us his name, rote "Alto- gether Wrong." A good menny hez copied from his stile, but hev hed the effruntry tu give us thair names, bein' lost tu shame. Mr. Sala rote "Quite Alone." This is more than menny novelists kin say. Mrs. Mackenzie Daniel rote" After Long Years." Sensible woman If sum ov the rest of em wood wait till tha git too the age of diskretion, it wood be better for awl konserned.—Josh Billings.