AMERICAN HUMOUR. Josi. BILLINGS writes: It iz no disgraze to be mistaken, not so long az we hre wdbn to own it. It iz about az hard to alter a habit az it iz to change the size of your noze. W Oman's last argument iz tears. and they are allwavs her strongest one; when theze fail, then corns desperashun. Experience has been praized more, and listened to less, than enny other thing that I kan think ov now. Thare iz sum wisdum in guessing, after all, for it i the nearest that yu kan cum to menny things in this life. If yu don't respekt yurese t, how kan you expekt others to do it for you ? Good and evil are allways paid off, sometimes immediately, and sumtimes not until after they have rur at interest a spell. Just in proporshun that a man kan be councilled regarding hiz blunders, juss so thare iz hope for him. Hope for the futer, and regrets for the past, forms a larje share ov the world's philosophy. Just about the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz experience, Death taps him on the shoulder and requests a short interview with him on important bizziness. Good advice iz like the best medicine we hav, the most bitter to take. Habits are often az ridikilous az they are strong yu often see folks who kan't pick up a pair ov tonp without spitting on their hands fust. Very grate men are seldom fully appreshiated bi the age they liv in. It iz very hard to lose eight ov a poor relashun, but we often hav to hunt up our rich ones. MRS. DAvsoo: Oh, the awfulest thing has hap- pened ? Clara de Style, who never could deign to look at any one in trade, has just discovered that tho man she has married is a dry-goods clerk." Mrs, j D'Fashion: Horrors I should think she might ( have found him out by his talk." Mrs. D'Avnoot That's just how the poor girl was deceived. He never seemed to know anything about anything, and she supposed of course he was a millionaire's son." CULTIVATED STRASGER You advertise for a man who can speak twenty-six languages ?" Mr. Gotham: Yes, sir. The position is still open." May I ask concerning the matter of its duties ?" Certainly. I own considerable property in New York, and I want a man to collect the rents." t LITTLE Miss D'ÅYNOO; Mamma will be down soon, an' she said I might come in an' 'muse you if I'd promise not to ask any 'pertinent questions. What do you wear nose-glasses for?" Society Leader: I am near-sighted, my dear." Little Miss D'Avnoo: I know, but mamma is near-sighted, too, and she carries a lorgnette because it shows off has pretty hands. Mamma has awful pretty hands. Some folks hasn't. Is your house as nice as ours ?* Society Leader: "Our house is an older style, muab older. My father built it." Little Miss D'A "Our second maid's father used to build bouses, too. He fell off a scaffold an' got killed. Wasn't it awfult That happened in Europe. We didn't go to Europe last year. Mamma said it had got so common she'd stay here, 'cause she didn't want to get mixed up with the nobodies. We went to Saratoga and Newport and such places. Did you ?" Society Leader No-o. We went to Europe. That is a lovely picture above your head." Little Miss D'Avnoo: Yes. We haven't many pictures, but everyone is pretty. Papa says some folks buy pictures just on speclation, an' get a whole lot, eve so many, an' then,, when the artists is all dead, they make money out of the graveyard mold, 'cause the pictures go up. He says some houses look like junk* shops, an' the families sit around hoping the artisti will die. How many pictures have you ?" Society Leader: A great many." Little Miss D'Avnoo: We haven't but a few, 'cause ours is only to look at. Is that your carriage out there?" Society Leader: "Yes, it is waiting." Little Miss D'Avnoo: "I didn't know but it was one of ours. We have so many I can't keep track of 'em. Papa is awfully fond of horses, and has different horses for every carriage. He says people who keep only one pair do it out of economy-to save livery bills and street. car fare, you know. Have you many horøeø r Society Leader: "Just now we have but two; that is all we need." Little Miss D'Avnoo "Mamma it taking a good while, but she couldn't help it. She was having a new reception dress fitted, 'cause she tore her last new oce the first time she wore it. Sbtt went to a reception at someone's named Perkins- some butler's, I guess-an' she caught her dress in ft splinter of an old chair. She said the chair haa been mended, sad she was awful mad. She said folks what had broken chairs around wasn't respect- able, 'cause it showed they spent so much for the chairs in the first place they couldn't afford to buy new ones; and papa said there was a good deal of style in this city that wouldn't count for much if it wasn't for the patching. There goes Perkins. Per- kins is our butler. Perkins isn't his real name, but we call all our butlers Perkins. Do you ?" Society Leader: No." Little Miss D'Avnoo: Why not r* Society Leader: Because our name is Perkins, Tell your mother I couldn't wait." REPORTER Was that accident unavoidable ?* Railroad President: Certainly, sir. certainly. No one to blame. You see the watchman had wo cross- ings to look after half a mile apart. You cant expect a man to be in two places at once, can you ?" Jonx has wrote a sketch," said the old man, "an he's had it printed in the papers." Gomg to be a literary man, is he ?" Yes; but I reckon he's one already, for he's just drawed on me for fifty dollars." NELL: "Nothing in this conntry seems good enough for Maine. She goes to Eunp? for gloves, gowns, hats, and everything she w, ars." Belle: Yes; she even goes abroad for her health," "I DoieT Bee," said the old min why chopping wood isn't just about as good exercise and just as enjoyable as playing golf." It is the walking between strokes that makes golf so valuable as exercise," ex- plained the boy. That equalises matters and gives the legs the exercise that they need." Thus it hap- pened that the old man went out into the yard and placed sticks of wood at intervals all around it, after which he handed the boy an axe and told him to play the full course." A HEAVT man with a square jaw walked into a "bicycle exchange on Fourteenth-street the other after- j noon. The proprietor advanced to wait on him, t '4Gimme a bike,' said the square-jawed man. "To I buy ?" Yep." What make?" Any old make." I Here's our speclaltty-good machine." "All right, is it P" Good as any made." How much." Fifty." Dab a little graphite on the chain and 1 pump her up." The proprietor dabbed a little graphite on the chain and pumped her up. The square-jawed man pulled out a wad of the size of his wrist, skinned off a 50, and handed it to the proprietor. Then he ran the machine .out to the curb, got on it and rode off. When the proprietor got over being • stunned he went. to three or four friends on the block to get their opinion as to whether the 50 was counterfeit or the real thing. The bill was genuine, and the proprietor has been dazed ever since. I can't understand such swift action as that in the bike business," he says. uYa, sir," resumed the Dakota man, as the crowd of agriculturists seated themselves around a little table; yes, sir, we do things on rather a sizable scale. I've seen a man on one of our big farms start out in the spring and plough a straight furrow until autumn. Then he turned around and harvested back. We have some big farms up there, gentlemen. A friend of mine owned one which he had to give a mortgage on, and I pledge you my werd the mortgage was due one end before they could get it recorded at the other. You see, it was laid off in counties. And the worst of it is, it breaks up families so. Two years ago I saw a whole family prostrated with grief—womenyeUinqdeidren howl- ing, and dogs barking. One of t>7 h*d his camp truck packed on seven four-mnle and he was going around bidding everybody <.••Where was he going ?" He was going across the farm to feed -the pigs," replied • ;v Dakota man. "Did he ever get back to his fv. y ?" "It isn't time for him yet. Up there we r-?nd young married couples out to milk the cows and tbeir children bring hems the milk."
LITERARY EXTRACTS. ,v, ,11 AFTER MANY DAYS.—Everyone knows BY heart the "little candle" line and its mate, "Souhinesa good deed in a naughty world." The doer of the deed can never know just how far its candle nhines and the wish to know—if that his one's only me live —will, as Mr. Gladstone once said, taint his 1 Virtuous actions at their very source." 13ut some- times unselfish service sends back a grateful gleam to its author long after he has forgotten it. A. mer- chant once told Wendell Phillips that whtn he stood at his mother's garden gate, a boy mad with his passion for the sea, and she Jbade him farewell, Bhe made him solemnly promise that he wtuild never drink." He had kept his promise, and not < only steered clear of the sailor's temptation, but through all the years of his after-life had ifaver broken his pledge. Yesterday," he went on to nay, a man 40 years old came into my counting-room and asked if I remembered him. I did not; and he told.IDe that long ago, when he was drunk, on ship- board, and being kicked about the deck, I had put him into my berth to sleep off the effects of the liquor, and when he was sober I told him the story, of my mother at the garden gate. My kindness Lid -saved him,'he said. He wets now a shipmaster in New York, and he begged me to come and see him." John.B. GOt riding one day in Scotland from Ladybank Janfction to Auchtermuchty in aone-foonie cab, noticed that the driver kept leaning forward in a strange way, holding his handkerchief to the side of his face. Inquiries if he had the toothache brought out the explanation It's pretty cold, and the glasi is-out of this cab windo* said the man, and I'm j trying to keep the wind away trom you." "Well, thank you," said Mr. Gough but why should you stick your head into that hole on my account, my dear fellow ? I never saw you before I have seen you before," said the man. I was a tipSy ballad-singer, and used to go round with a half- starved wife and a baby in her arms, and oftentimes the wife carried a black eye. I heard yon -speak in Edinburgh, and you told me I was a man. I went out determined, by God's help, I would be a man. I've got a good home now, and happy wife and chil- dren. God bless you, sir! I'd stick my head into u any hole under heaven if 'twould do you any good." How A CROSS WAS WON.-The really brave man's story about his own deeds is always modest. Not infrequently he is unable to- give any account.of them which is satisfactory to his hearers. The reporters who interviewed" soldiers wounded on San Juan Hill, Cuba, had a hard time in getting stories from them. One soldier said: There isn't a thing to tell. I only went up dtetoe,with a lot of other chumps, and got shot. I-didn't eijen have sense enough to know it when I was -Sh it" Not long ago a French chroniquer-M-ontmirai io the Paris Gaulois -encountered in a little village of the south of France a gardener, who wore, pinned on his clean Sunday blouse, the ribbon of the Legion of Honour. Naturally, the neWspaper man desired to know how he got it. The gardener, who, like many of his trade, seemed to be a silent man, was averse to meeting an old and wearisome demand, but finally be began Oh, I don't know how I did get it! I was at Bazeilles with the rest of the battery. All the officers were killed; then down went all the non- commissioned officers. Bang! bang! bang! By and by all the soldiers were down but me. I had fired the last shot, and naturally was doing what I could to stand off the Bavarians. Well, a general come. and says he," Where's your officers?' All down,. says I. 'Where's your gunners ? says 'he. 'All down but me,' says 1. And you've been fighting here all alone r says he. "I could'nt let "am come and get the guns, coyld. 'I?' I says.; and then he up and put this ribbon on me, probably because there was nobody else there to put it on." BRITANNIA.— Be swift and terrible. They crave the owefd; "Comeand destroy us utterly," they cry; We are a little people and stiff necked, .-And full of venom. Come and win through blood Uhto the Right ye swear by. Right and Might For us were always one and Right and Might Shall serve us until Might may cease to be." I "Thou whose old name is more than armaments, \Wihose frown hath shaken great despots, and whose hand '1s ever on-sore places—to make whole, To root out festering tyrannies, and set v Standards of comely governance for the world- Thou, with whom Freedom chiefly loves to dwell, Wilt rot,tgo haltingly about this work, ''Though the faint-hearted shiver, and the fool Thanks God his palins are clean, and prates of "gain!- And inoffensive rustics dragged to war -So that they may be plundered." Well thou knoweet Whose is th6 gain and loss what price is paid iln treasure and men for empery of thine, What tribute rendered by the suzerains, VWihat profit brought to other than themselves. Beawiftand terrible. fhey crave the swerd. jBe swift in mercy, terrible to teach .:Rebels akainst the light that all thy etrength Is not a figment, but a tangible thing .Moulded to purpoes .of,righteousneu., The Outlook. 'W.o.N'BN'S ODD PETs.-Some minds pre strickingly original, even in the choice of pets. Certainly this was the case with the wife of a gentleman farmer, who, ;according to Woman's Life, made a pet of a pig. The .animal lost its mother early, and the lady, i taking, pity on the little orphan, bore it off to Jthe Aitcheo, where she succeeded, by the aid of a feedihg bottle, in rearing it. The pig became a great pet, .and used to follow its owner like a dog. It could hardly have been its outward attractions th^t won iher (heart; it must have been its qualities which .endeared ,it, to her. Another very singular pet was that of A frog, which was tamed by a young girl in the country, and would eonae out from underthtf leaves at her approach to1 be fed with a strawberry. A ,lady *ho was confined to, her room had a fowl which, ,before -her illness, was a constant companion., It, •used to be regularly taken;to,,her room every morn- ing,to see her and to be fed by her own hands, and allowed to take a short walk about her room. Ano- ther member of the feminine gender actually made a pet of a turkey, and declared it should never be eaten, >but die in its own good time," which it did of old age..A much more extraordinary instance of a strange ipet, for a woman at any rate, was where an old lady ao,far, overeamethe natural repugnance of her sex as to tame a mouse which had been caught in her store cupboard. So successful was her treat- ment that at last the tiny animal -would take crumbs from its mistreas fingers. ARISTOCRATIC INNKKEPMCS.;—In an interesting chapter in his book, An Old English House and its Dependencies," Mr. Baring Gould traces the evolu- tion of thevillage inn from the guest house kept by the manorial !lord into its present form. As com- merce increased and the roads became better, it was impossible forthe nobles to entertain freely. More- over, the wacgliad so impoverished them that they were forced to charge for the entertainment and to put the charge thigh enough to produce a revenue. From one cauee or another many of them lost their land, and became mere innkeepers. This was not often the case in Germany but it was so uncommon thing in the Tyrol, where to-day hotel and tavern- keepers represent the best blood in the land. They •re proud of their well-attested pedigrees, and they j dispense hospitality, no longer gratuitously, but with much courtesy and kindliness, in the very houses in which their ancestors have lived in different style for three or four hundred years, the. houses bwing the game' Sign which adorned the helmets and shields of their forefathers when they r94 in tournament or battle. At the principal inn at Bruneck, in the Paster Thai, the etaircase is adorned with the por- traits of the family, including prelates and warriors and stately ladies; and the Tyrolese girl in costume, who attends you at the table, and the quiet, simple' old host and hostess are the lineal descendants of these grandees. THE DISTRICT OFFICERS [If INDIA.—Mr. G. W BteeVeiiS, in his book In India," embodying his ob- U servations during a tour in the country, has an amue. ing description of the work of a District Officer. He says: Every year the District Officfer his1 to make reports on every important branch of his administra- tion-huge piles of foolscap an inch thick. If Gov- ernment were only content with that-but there are a million subjects on which special reports have to be made. If a wretched babu clerk to. a medical officer •mhezzles flftMrnmmt cash, it is the District Officer ^rh<? really suffers for he has to write a special report Sub-head No.' 123,456,789—ort defalcations of Government servants. If a member of Parliament asks a question in the Houso—purely to waste time, as like as not, or to get his name into the Times-the Secretary of State asks the Viceroy for the answer, and be asks the Lieutenant-Governor, and he asks the Commissioner, and he asks the District Officer, and he collects information from his native subordi- nates. He combines their,answers into a report, and the Commissioner combines the reports of the Dis- trict Officers, and the Lieutenant-Governor combines the reporta of the Commissioners, and the Viceroy combines the reports of the Lieutenant-Governors, and sends the result home to Whitehall, which it reaches long after the man who started the inquiry has forgotten that he ever made it. And on the top of that some toy ruler in the Secretariat at Calcutta or Allahabad, or somewhere a thousand miles away, will have the idea to get a series of monographs on the home arta and induatriea of the people, or the natural history of the bullock, or the extent to which natives wear shoes. So the subject is wnrej* out to various wretohed civil servants like an essay at school, and 8Mb writes a book about it wmtom' <I. i -4 ON ITS"1 TRIAL.—The War Office is on its trial; and 1 so is the war machinery of the scattered Empire 01 which it is the centre. How will it bear the test ? Never yet has any army organisation in the world been called .upon to mobilise, transport, and keef 70,000 men in fighting condition 7000 miles away Never before have we attempted to mobilise our Army is it is now being mobilised. What we did in the Anglo-Russian political tension of 1879 and in thE days of the Egyptian campaign of 1882 is not com- parable with what is being done to-day in placing a field force in South Africa. This field force is com- posed firstly of an Army Corps, which in the present case consists of 34,000 men secondly of a Ckvalrj division, and in this case 5000 men; and thirdly ol lines of communication, in this case K),000 men. Add to these ihe other forces in tlwd and you 'have 70,000 men charged with the occupation of half a continent, and accompanied by ammunition, rifles machine guns, clothing, war-balloons, motor cars bicycles, and Rontgen apparatus tinned rations for the body and selected tracts for the spirit; to say nothing of horses and mules and their fodder, botb collected from the four corners of the earth. Here the War Office has in hand a giant task, and though the work is not yet half done, and in this imperfect world we must not expect perfection, we believe Lord Lansdowne, Lord Wolsoley, end their co-workers will justify the confidence .placed in them at this critical inon-teL-t.-The Outlook. SOME THINGS THAT RAWMAYS SOUL.My daily experiences," related an important official writer of the article entitled Odds and Ends Sold by Rail- ways," in Cossell's Saturday Journal for October, will no'doubt be a revelation to most people who imagine that the railway company -sells nothing but tickets. Why, the wide scope of our business might almost entitle us to pose as universal providers, and this is how it comes about. Whenever anything sus- tains damage or delay while in our charge we are at once bombarded with claims for compensation. These demands, when reasonable, are met in a friendly spirit, and so the matter ends, but frequently the indignant consignee emphatically declines to have anything whatever to do with the goods, and thus we often find ourselves saddled with all sorts of stuff for which we have no earthly use whatever. The other week, for instance, we had nearly a whole truck of sugar thrown on our hands, and all because of a leaky oil tin which happened to be in the same vehicle. One sqiuilly wet night a porter omitted to 'properly secure the fastenings of a waggon tarpaulin, with the reeult that a considerable consignment Of flour got damp, and we were simply 'told toieep it. One single rough shunt will occa- sionally cost us the matter of 4:30, Y-50, or as much as EIOO, partly in consequence of the violence of the 'jerk, and also because the goods-frequently crockery, upholstery, and other fragile commodities—are in- sufficiently packed on purpose to sustain damage en iroute. Sometimes a tiny spark emitted by a thought- less locomotive is responsible for making us the un- willing possessors of quite a collection of ususable stuff. It may be a rick of hay in a field adjoining the line, or anything inflammable in the train. OQr unwelcome and frequent acquirements in passengers' wearing apparel include such garments as hats. gloves, trousers, overcoats, and dresses which have made too close acquaintance with undried paint, greasy door handles, projecting nails, &c. Invariably we dispose bf all (hese-curiously acquired goods by sending them to the i-noqt convenient auction room, to be sold with- out reserve. The prices, however, generally realised are so miserable that on all possible occasions we allow our employes to buy the things at almost their own figures." NOVELIST '4.D IHYMN WHITER. Rector, squire, magistrate, novelist., poet., historian, archaeologist, Jnun of letters—such is the Rev. Sabine Baring Gould, the author,of Onward, Christian soldiers." In the little village of Low Trenchard, on the borders.of Dartmoor, his name is held in love and respect, for, although his. interestsare wide as humanity, heallows nothing to interffre with1 his workasrectorandland- owner. He is known to thousands as the author of tvlelialiili," John Herring," and a host of other stirring and brilliant novels. He is honoured among musicians for his work in discovering and recording the folk-songs of the West Country; his books, on history, on archaeology, fill a unique place in the libraries of the learned. But it is as a hymn-writer that Mr. Baring Gould will always claim the greatest share of his country^ memory. There may come a time .when his fiction is forgotten, his histories dust- fcovered, but -Onward, Christian soldiers," "Now the day is oyer," the beautiful, Easter hymn, On the resiMwection morning,") "Through the night of, doubt and -gotwow," and many others have found a lasting home in the treasury of sacred song, r- Missionaries have carried them to the farthest corner's of the earth. At a frocent. missionary meeting it Was stated that the hymn most often sung by Uganda converts is Killa ■iku tunsifu a translation of Mr. Baring Gould's "Daily, daily, sing the praises." it is not too roneh to say that Onward, Christian soldiers has become a Christian National Anthem. Mr. Baring Gould is a..man .of-untiring ceaseless energy. He (find jreat oriW in change of work. If he has a recreation at all, rt is the excavation of ancient msnuriient-s and villages and prehistoric dwellings, and the search after strange superstitions. Mr Baring Gould is an authority on the folk-lore of Devonshire and Cornwall. He has spent weeks among the <yld, farm labourers of Dartmoor, and has col- lected a vast -store of strange and wonderful tales. Readers of his novels will know to what good use he puts this information which he has been at such pains to gather.—JSunday Chimes. SBKIIWJ BY WIRE.—Under the title of Seeing by Wire," Mr. Cleveland Moffett reports in Pearson's his interviews with Jan Szcepanik (pronounced Shtepanik), the inventor of the telectroscope. This Polish wizard was born June 12, 1872, at Krosno, a village in Gziicia, where he grew up in the care of an aunt, for hie parents died when he was yery young." As far .back as he can remember, he had it in mind to invent a machine for seeing at a distance. He was deeply impressed by Jules Verne's romances, and he read Polish translations of Shakespeare and Skmuel Smiles. When 20 years old, he graduated as teacher, and supported himself by teaching while he pondered his'sbheme for electric weaving and distance- seeing. In the winter of 1894-95, he wroter to the Austrian Minister of War, informing him of possible discoveries, and was seint for to Vienna. But nothing came of his overtures,, and he spent two months in the city in poverty, hunger, and cold, finally returning to "his Village school. At loet. Ludwig KIsinberg, a business man, heard of him,and called him to Vienna. Kleinberg was nearly ruined over the weaving inven- tion of the young Pole, eight machines being built in succession, and all failures. Then a German archi- tect joined the firm, and finaliy success was achieved. For this Jacquart.weaving machine has been made the largest camera in the world, which weighs about two tons, and at its full stretch is nearly 20ft. long. The lens is five inches in diameter, and the plates are four feet square, each one weighing 65 pounds. A remarkable point about these plates is that they are ruled into over 800,000 little squares or oblongs, the shape varying with the pattern to be woven. These peculiar plates, or rasters," form the chief part of the weaving, invention, and effect an enormous saving of time in the making of designs for car- pets, gobelins, damasks, curtains, plushes, table- cloths. For instance, the design for an elabotate piece of tapestry that might have occupied six or eight months in the making by the old hand method may now be finished in an hour or less, thanks to Sczepanik's genius. It is simply a matter of photo- graphy, any picture or design whatever being pro- duced upon sensitised paper through the little squares, oblongs, of the raster, these corresponding to the threads, shadings, and bindings of various satins, twills, woollen goods, &c. An expert has estimated that this invention will sayp.50,000,000f. annually in the textile industry, and do the work of designing far more accurately than it has ever been done. The electroscope is described at lengtli. It was first put to the test in 1896 over a distance of two miles. As now developed, it consists of vibrat- ing mirrors and prisms connected by electric wire. Two mirrors in the transmitter and two, responsive mirrors in the receiver are kept vibrating at a uniform rate some three or four thousand times in a second. The trans- mitting mirrors resolve the image cast upon them into points of light, and project these points upon a selenium disc. The transmitting wires terminate in vibrating metal plates or "lips," which allow. changing band Of light thin as a hair to pass between them. Each individual point of light, falling on the selenium disc sends a distinct vibration- along the 'wires to these lips," and the light from the electric latnp in the receiver falls through those lips on the receiving mirrors. The separate points of lights are thus reproduced in these mirrors, and the com- ponent parts of the inaage on the transmitting mirrors reappear on the receiving1 mirror in a succession so rapid as to seem to the eye to be simul- taneous. The prisms serve to transmit and repro- duce the colours as well as the outlines of the image. This marvellous invention toill not be shown to the public until the Paris Exhibition in 1900, under penalty of the inventor forfeiting a million francs to a French syndicate which has contracted for the exhibition rights. That Syndicate will make all arrangements for its being shown, including the erection of a building capable of holding from 8000 to 10.000 persons. The inventor says: The syndicate will have 40 per cent. of the profits, we shall have 60 per cent., and you can estimate what the profits are likely to be in six months with several representa- tions a day at three frans a head. Six million francs is putting'it low. Whatever comes over the wires will be projected plainly for anyone tq \ook §tfT-rtolours, niovenaents, and all, just as in .!?•• -J
THE WOMAN'S WORLD. THERE are some people (says the Evening News) te whom Nature is very unkind in warm weather, ot when taking violent exercise of any kind. Tbey got hot and they get red, and nc thing but a little yiolet- powder will restore them to their normal condition. But if one is cycling or traielling, to use a powder- puff is often impossible, besides being difficult to carry. But a delightful invention has just come into fashion that is far better, and possible to use anywhere. This consists of a tiny book that ia carried in one's purse, and each leaf of which i, pre- pared with delicately perfumed powder, so that you can rub one of these over the cheeks, and no one whs is sitting next you will be amy the wiser. EVERY one in the world of women is crying out about their pockets, and yet no reasonable help is forthcoming. Dressmakers have decided that we are not to wear pockets, and so we can't; but we want to all the same, for where is handkerchief, purse, and powder-puff to go? At last it appears that fashion is going to allow us to pat the pockets in our draped bodices-very small ones, of course, but large enough to hold a small perse and a fine handker- chief. Some dressmakers have been known to introduce a tiny pocket into the cuff of each sleeve. Then for travelling, and when it is abso- lutely necessary to have some larger receptacle, the fash'>n is to wear a pocket made of strong black silk, suspended from the waist, and allowed to hang very low down, so as not to bulge out the skirt or in- terfere with the set of the dress. These bags are made expressly, and have an inside pocket, fastened with a steel clasp at the bottom to hold gold, notes, or valuables of any kind. They are well worth try- ing by those who, while destring to be in the fashion, also still desire a pooiet. SLEEPING in a Barrow, hard bed is now considered conducive to a good figure. Throw away your soft mattresses and even your pillows, and you are pro- mised freedom from round shoulders and double chins. Many,wemen are giving the experiment a trial. To clean white ostrich feathers, cut some ipure white soap into small pieces, and pour boiling water on them, and add a little mite of soda. When the soap is dissolved and the water cool enough, dip the feathers in and draw them through the hand. Do this several times until the lather is dirty then make a clean lather and repeat the operation. Afterwards rinse the feathers in cold water, slightly blued. Pat the feathers between the'hands, and shake them over the fire until they are perfectly dry. Curl them by drawing each fibre between the thumb and the dull edge of a silver knife. With a little care and patience the result will be .all that can be desired. AN attempt has repeatedly been made (says the Sun) to bring the straight, loose -sack into fashionable favour again, and each time the attempt has failed. Now the sack is again being forced to the front, but this time with better hopes of success, for, instead of appearing as a dress wrap, embroidered and decorated expensively, a role for which its negligee shape unfits it, it is seen in materials suitable for travelling and outing wear, plainly finished and serviceable. In such form it may prove acceptable, as it imposes no constraint, and is easily put on and off. Short, tight coats matching the skirt are worn with silk bodices and skirt waists. The basque is plain and flat, and is cut a little longer in front than at the back. IT is announced that white -stockings are to be again worn, and now it is a question how many women will consent to adopt them simply because fashion decrees their reappearance. Nothing is uglier and more unbecoming, yet there are blind fol- lowers of the blind who will doubtless eagerly endue themselves with the ugly things. Black hosiery is and will be generally worn, however, except for the evening costume, where the gown is of a light colour. In this case the stockings maxh the gown or the shoes. Hand-painted .muslin, gauze and linen gowns are used for, both afternoon and evening toilets. They are made over a taffeta lining which -repeilts the general colour of the pattern. The design is floral and of a running character, and such gowns are, of course, very costly, unless they are painted at home, which is not usual. Embroidery is sometimes .mingled with the painted decoration. TUB time has come to itHink of furs, says the .Sketch. These clear, slightly -sharp days of late :auturi)n are merely the precursors.of winter's eager* nipping air, which will soon 'be upon us. In Paris, though as yet not here, sealskin «eems to bo the orux of all furry occasions. It is used very much in combination with chinchilla and ermine, while few of the really best Paris made fur cloaks, capes; pelerines, • or otherwise are made without the addition of lace. .Ctiriotis big boas of blue and silver fox- tskin seem destined to a large measure.of favour, and igo more than merely well with trim-built tailor- .mades. Great large eranny-muiffs areithe only form of hand-shelter permissible to the vwdlWdressed, the -small sorts having entirely passed out of the mon- daine's consideration, apparently. Broa.d.. tail; trimmed with sable heads and tails, is a fashionable fusion of elements in this connection, and the new spangled velvets, trimmed with sable edgings or ermine, with tufts of real lace, are quitesmart. HERE are some honeymoon hints, fraintheevening News Do not forget, little wife, to paok a goodly store of books and work, as well as your pretty trous- seau. Do not, because it is just for once in yourlives, spend more than you ought to, either on the trip or incidental .expenses. Many", young couple, after the honeymoon, bitterly repent their reckless waste of money. Do mot, when in public, behave in such a manner as to make yourself the cynosure of all eyes—some cynical, some amused. It is much better to teep your tender endearments for private use only. Do Bot, even at this eventful stage of you life, or, Jject the dear boy always to be by your side. The ove which he has for you, and which has caused yo« to make dai m. the happiest fellow on earth," will not- admit of him neglecting you, and his little attentions to others ia public must be accepted as mere con- ventionalities. Do not forget, that you have left others behind you to whom your marriage has been almost as great a matter of moment as to yourself— those whose happiness depends upon yours. In spite of this new existence, in which two lives areas one, you should find time to write to them. Do not fail to remember that in nine cases out of ten the keynote of the after-married life is sounded during the honeymoon. A WELL-KKOWM society girl, one of whose greatest attractions is a soft, musical laugh, declares that she learned it much as one learns a language. I had simply nothing that could be called an agreeable lauxii in my possession," she said recently. The lack made me seem glum and too far from merry to be a successful companion So I took lessons of an actor and learned the mechanism of forced laughter. This I practised, and improved myself till I had the art to perfection, and it became second nature. It cost me many pounds to buy my laugh, but I would not part with it for hundreds." THE smartest little coat imaginable (says the fashion writer of the World, describing a visit to a leading London modiste s) in brown velvet was put on over the cream gown, and it seemed the one thing necessary to complete it for outside wear. This coat blouses a- little, and is prettily stitched' with white above the waist* whicit finishes with a fringed sash of brown satin; the long revers and high collar are faced with grebe, and a quaint little hood gives a pretty width to the shoulders. But all the coats are not so short. for the newest style is a three-quarter length sac coat, and, though it may not sound pretty, it clings in graceful way; and is far more becoming to the figure than a tight-fitting coat of that length. I saw a beautiful caracal coat in this shape, the seams at the back strapped with fur and piped with £ >lack satin; it fastens over on one side in front, and has revers and high collar of chinchilla. Equally smart is one in cloth, strapped from under the arms a TEmpir^ with a deep-pointed yoke and high collar of Persian lamb, the latter faced with ermine. Another sac coat in mastic- coloured cloth is guiltless of revers, and fastens by means of tabs and gold OubtlOuB It hag a hood of brilliant scarlet satin veiled with a network of gold and silver, and a chin6 silk scarf is knotted below the sable-edged collar. Of course there are short coats, too one in Persian lamb has a charmingly cut basque corded with thick chenille, with pretty revers to open or close, faced with chin6 silk and Irish guipure; and, ^s for the fur capes, they are too luxurious for* words, reaching almost to the knees, and deeply flounced with fur. One in chinchilla,' with the dark markings of the fur arranged in rings round the cape, is lovely.
AN ACTRESS WHO NEVER WEARS WIGS. Miss Winifred Emery, according to the Gem, is the only actress on the English stage who will have nothing to do with the lxrruquier's assistance, but invariably wears her own hair. No matter what part she is playing, she is quite content with whfct Nature has bestowed on her, and this she dresses in. the best of taste, and with the most exceptional -effect according to the fashion ahd period of the -effect according to the fashion and period of the J!.f in which she is nlavine.
ART AND LITERATURE. lb. W. J. OAKLEY, the celebrated International footballer, in the course of an interview appearing in Chums for November 1, tells what it feels like to play for England. He will also give some valuable hinta on football playing in general. THE late Major A. B. Thurston, who fought against the frequently-killt-i Osman Digna in 1893 and was'afterwards a member of the Commission for the settlement of affairs in Uganda, left some full records of' his experiences, which Mr. John Murray is to publish before long under the title African Incidents." MR. WILFRID BCAWBN BLUNT'S new poem, Satan Absolved, a Victorian Mystery," is announced for publication from the Bodley Head. Mr. Blunt's, poem, is dedicated to Mr. Herbert Spencer, and has a photogravure frontispiece after the picture by Mr. G; F. Watts, R.A., receetly exhibited in the New Gallery. r IT is stated in the Athejusum-timt "the long- missing testament of Oonaenius is reported to have, been discovered in the Grundbuchsacte of Prerau, in Moravia, where he had settled in 1614 and became rector of ttie then famous Briiderschule. Some Moravian papers publish the text of the will, from which it appears that his wife was not, as is gene- rally assumed, a nativeof the so-called 'Slowakei, but of the town of Hohenstadt, in the North-west of Moravia." It will, no doubt, be a great relief te, many that this question of the birthplace of Comeninie- wife cthonld thus have been definitely settled. THERE are ■still discoveries to be made at Pompeii, '1 and recently a few exceptionally interesting relics have been found. For instance: two small wooden cabinets, in one of which there were 87 silver denarii of the late Republic, all worn smooth by use; 48 J imperial denarii, all fresh and crisp, bearing thfe ;1 names of Augustus, fiero, Vespasian, ana otner ( Emperors, also 54 bronze or copper coins. In the j same- chert were found a gold earring and several figurines, besides numerous articles in bronze, terra- cotta, &c. A graceful statuette of Venus Anadyo- mene was found in the same room. ONE grievance, if no more, authors labour under, says Mr. Andrew Lang in Longman's Magazine, the running out of copyright by efflux of time. Think how Scott, his debts paid, would have provided for his family had copyright lasted longer. The heirs of Keats and Coleridge, men neglected by purchasers tin their day* would have been (observes a writer in the St. Jwnes's 'Gazette) bequeathed a competence. Most of Dickens's works are now out of topyright^— a real hardship while an author s-sons and daughters are in the land. Surely copyright might be pro- tected, for two lives" at least. The authors literally created" the property, which, in their lifetime, many of them did not enjoy. If we are to have property at all, the author's property ought to be the most, not 4,he least, sacred. The present law does not injure many novelists; their Cooks rawfly survive their lives in this world they have good things. The law injures men who, in this life, like Coleri dge: and Keats, have not good things but who might, -if permitted, provide for their de- scendants. If anything ie unjust, this part of the Law of Copyright is unjust. As far as it can it dis- courages the great minds which are so unlucky as to be in aodvance of the taste or knowledge of their age. But the injustice strikes very few of us children of a year or two. For my ;part, ;I think that no man of letters should lend himself as Editor," or what not, to p blishen'who -seize on a valuable book as -floon as the law does not forbid this "body-snatch- ing." WITH a resent issue (says the Globe) the Hampshire Telegraph included a facsimile of the Portsmouth Telegraph or, Mottley's Naval and Military Journal for October 14,1799. These old newspapers afford always good desultory treading, and we have enjoyed looking through newa;a, earntury -,stale quite as much as some of the news of the day. Ayesterday's paper is the dullest thing in the world, but with every re- ceding step into time it gains something, until after many years it not only takes its place as a document ofrSocial histoiy but has positive interest as a quaint miscellany. Among this oldPortsnwuth Telegraph's advertisements we find;a list -of new novels on sale at a Portsea bookseller. There are 16 in all, and they are "just published," and alas for fame! not one is known to-day. Some are in five volumes, and all are in more than one. We have for the time being abandoned alternative titles to our fiction except in the case of penny, dreadfuls, but otherwise the list is very much what apaper might advertise nqw. qo the game goes on. J. 1 A NEW volume of- th& A*azine, of -A-rt. commences with the November part jtret published. It contains three special plates by C. Napier Henry, A.R.A., and many other attractive features. In this number is given the first coupon for enabling readers to pro- cure, at a nominal price, & series of exquisite etchings andphotogravure printed en Indian paper. MANY amusing observations on London life, not unlike the picturesque reports by Parisian journalists occasionally quoted in this column, aee to -be found in the books of certain foreign travellers of bygone days.Solpe of them are referred to by Mr. C. W. Hecietharn in his recently-published book, London Souvenirs." Writing so late as 1850, M. lavi, a pro- fessor in Paris, gives a glimpse -of English aristo- cratic manners as understood by him. He speaks of splendid cafes to be met with in every street, and patronised by the nobility. One of them acciden- tally treadii-on the toes of another, a 4uel is the con- mi sequence, and :to-morrow morning oaae of them will have ceased to live." An Italian ia 1027 was im- pressed, like Mr. Stephen Crane a year or twoago, by the silence of London. V But how eould a million and a-hillf of people live .together without silence ?" he asks. According to this original observer, you won't find the real John Bull in Hyde-park. "If you want to aee bhat marvellous personage who is the wonder and la*ghing-stock of all Europe, who clothes all the world, wine battles on land and sea without much boasting, who works like thcee and drinks like six, who is the pawnbroker and usurer of ail Kings and all Republics, whilst he is bankrupt at home, and sometimes, like Midas, dies .of hunger in the and sometimes, like Midas, dies of hunger in the midst of gold, you must look for him elsewhere. In winter you must descend into underground cellars. There, around a blatiog fire,; you will behold the British workman, welt '-dressed ^nd shod, smoking, drinking, and reading. v is in these taverns, and amidst the smokeof jtoWccp and the froth of their beer, the Srst. coQattton of .l: opinion is born and formed.. ir .v' MANY inst&hfces pf the literary excelkp<?e which can be attaUii4 by no'n-profession^l 'wnte;rs-7-by men who have no notion of doing anything more than telling the* inews and getting rid as quickly as may be of the Mr^of holding a pei>—are (Bays th? Globe) to be found in a most engaging collection of KiLval Yarns, 1061-1831," which just been published. One remarkable passage comes in a letter written by a Jack on the Boyal Sorer^gn, who tQ^Jc part in the gaaf, fi hv of Trafalgar. After it was all over he ? «jtofce how? Honoured Father,— This comtes '^to tell "you I |Mn alive and hearty except t&r^e fingers; but tfaat't jaot much; it might have been my head. • We have taken a rare parcel of ships, but. the wind is so rough we cannot bring them home, else I should roll in money. So we are busy smashing 'em, and blow- ing 'em up wholesale. • • Our dear Admiral Nelsoh'is killed! so we have paid pretty sharply for licking 'em. I never sat eyes on him, for which I am both sorry and glad; for, to be sure, I should like to have seen him—but then all the.men in our ship who have seen him are such soft toads, they have done nothing but. blast their eyes, and cry, ever since he was killed God bless you! chaps that fought like the devil sit down and cry like a wench." MOST of us (says the SWJ) have been brought up to regard the Arabian Nights "as a classic. Not so Count Anthony Hamilton, who, believing that extravagant and undeserved prtise had been showered upon the Eastern take, wrote somo fairy stories with the object of turning the Nights into ridi- cule. Naturally he was challenged to produce a substitute for them, and his answer was The Four Facardins," whtch is About to be republished by the Lutetian Society. The count did not finish his story, but a sequel which provides a finish was .added by _a „M. -de Lewis, and this sequel will be included in the present volume. The count's work is described as consisting of sprightly banter and facetious sarcasm, and it has been decided to print the volume pri- vately, for it is strongly spiced with what is euphe- mistically called the leaven ot tne age, a delicate I but pregnant pbraee. The Lutetian Society is about to publish & complete translation of Voltaire's La Pucelle d'Orleans." Three previous efforts have been made to translate this work into English, but they are described as of no importance, and worth- less from a literary standpoint. With respect to I' two of these translations, it is stated that they disclose remarkable omissuMis of the text, due to the inability of the translatore to give a happy i rendering of the difficult language of Voltaire, and J to their prudery as regards the many piquant pas- sages which Voltaire has woven into the marvellous | career of the Maid of Orleans." In addition, previous j translators have entirely passed over the enrious Variants in the cantos which is one of the features of I the book. The present translation is a complete one, •very line of the poem being translated, and, we | presume, the leaven of the age preserved. | SIK WSKTSS Bun's M Memoirs and Correspondence j ef Lyon Playfair, First Lord Playfair, of fit, Andrew's," which has just been published by Kaan. Cassell and Company, is based upon an auto- biography which Lord Playfair left behind him, and 5hich contains reminiscences of bis career and of j ie eminent men and Women with *hom he came is < tentact. I
HOME HINTS. ApPLE PIE is an excellent dish and a stand-by when unexpected company drop in, for th% good housewife should never allow herself to be taken by surprise to such an extent that she cannot, in an emergency, furnish a respectable meal for a visitor. Especially in the country does this require to be seen to, and it demands a little more forethought and management than simply providing for the family. Therefore, blessings on the apple pie, and indeed on pies of tie 5tinds, for they will grace the larder shelves for a week on end, at this season, and then afford a feast for the family on some busy morning, when extra work in the household leaves little time for cooking. Take lib. of flour and sieve into it two tea spoonfals of home-made baking powder, a supply of which should always be at hand. The quantities are '¡oz. tartaric acid, Soz. bicarbonate of soda, 9oz. corn or rice flour, all sieved together and put into clean drv tins. Kept in a dry place, this powder will keep good for any length of time, and as it is always reliable, and very moderate in price, it is much to be preferred to the baking powder advertised. This by the way. Beat 121b. butter to a cream, lay it in the flour, and with the tips of the fingers work it j lightly till it looks like bread-crumb; add as much water as will make it intoa-stiff paste; roll out till smooth and of the desired thickness with the pastry brush egg round the topofthedish, and lay on strips of paste; egg these again and lay on the cover, decorating it with a sharp knife, egg over the top. and bake till a, Ine brown. When the crust begins to harden, remove from the oven for a minute and egg it ever a second time to improve the colour. The apples should be lightly ceoked in a little sugar and water, and allowed to cool before being put into the pie-dish. CREAMED APPLlI TART.-Make an apple tart, and when baked cut out the middle of the crust, leaving a border all round the dish; fill up with a thick cus- tard made in the proportion of one yolk of egg to a small cup of milk, grate some nutmeg over the top and -serve cold. This makes a nice, light supper dish, as custard is more digestible than pastry in the late hours of the day. COFXJTNFTBU APPLRS.—Choose five or six large apples; peel, core, and roll them in good brown sugar fill the centres with as much sugar as can be got in; roll out some of the above pastry, rather thinner than for the pie, cut off a piece of sufficient size tp go all over the apple press closely round with the palms of the hands, taking care that it meets all round, so that the juice may be retained. Put on a baking tin in the oven, and when of a good colour they are stifReieTitly don6: Small apple dumplings may be made in the same way, and are very nice, either boiled or Baked if boiled, the suet paste given for large puddings should be used, tying each up in a separate cloth it makes a variety, and pleases the children to have each their own pudding. Apple Bavaroise (called in -the kitchen "apple before us ") was given too recently to need repetition here. It be- longs to a higher class of cookery, and, of course, entails more trouble, while the recipes given above are all easily made and suitable for every-day family use. APPLE J.RLLY.-W-here there are home-grown apples there are always a good many small ones. These come in well for jelly. One lemon should be allowed for-every 31b. of apples or the jelly is apt to be flavourless. It is made in the usual way, allowing one pint of jnice to one pound of sugar. The water the apples are boiled in should just be sufficient to cover them.-A.L.O.S., in the Agricultural Gazette. A Goon ApPLB CHARLOTTE. Nine or ten slices of bread and butter, and about six good -siaed apples are wanted, and one table- spoonful of mixed candied peel, two tablespoon- ^fuk df j&ice, ahd moiet sugar to taste. Butter a pie- dish, place a layer of bread and butter without the crusts at the bottom, then a layer'of apples, pared and oored, and cut in thin slices. Sprinkle over these a portion of the peel and lemon juice, and sweeten with moist silgar. Place another layer of bread, and then one of apples, proceeding in the same manner till the dish is full; then cover up with the peel of the apples to prevent the top browing or burning. Bake in a brisk oven rather more than three-quarters of Mlihour; turn the charlotte on a dish, sprinkle sifted sugar over, and -serve. Average cost, 9d. MCFFISB:: A VERY GOOD RECIPL-To every quart of milk allow one and a-half ounces German yeast, a pinch of salt, and flour. Warm the milk, add the yeast, and mix well together. Put them into a pan, and etir in-enough flour to niaike:tbe whole into a dough,of,rather soft consistence. Cover it over with a cloth, and put it in a warm place to rise, and when light and sicely .risen, divide the dough into pieces, and round them to the;proper place with the hands. Place them in a layer of flour about two inches thick on wooden trays, aud let them rise again. When this is effected, they -should each have a semi- globular effect. Then place them carefully on a hot plate or sieve, and bake them until they are slightly browned, turning them when they are done on one side. Muffins arenot easy to make, and require practice. It should take from twenty to thirty minutes to haike them. POULTICES AND FOMENTATIONS.—For allaying in- flammation and easing the pain which results from it, and for cleansing and healing a wound and helping it to discharge, there is no remedy equal to poultices or fomentations. But they want careful making and eoosteat attention or they do more harm than good- Poultices, it is essential, must be hot, not just warm, and for the sa-meceasons they must be constantly changed day and night when it is neces- sary to have recourse to them. When poulticing means putting on at the doctor's orders, a lukewarm and over-damp arrangement which you leave to get hard, cold, curled up, and sticky, ye*! had better leave it alone. Many and many a life has been saved by careful constant poulticing, and many lost by careless, clovenlv application of the same remedy. Therefore, have your poultice large, at I half an inch thick, and well covered, and change it often and quickly. When finally removed, rub the part it has covered with olive oil or vaseline, and cover carefully with a soft old linen handkerchief and cotton wool. Fomen- tations are lighter than poultices, and take less time to prepare. They need changing ofteoer. They should be made of several thicknesses of coarse flannel or of sponge or pibrine sold for this purpose. These must be wrung very dry, or are most uncom- fortable. They should be put on not suddenly, and not too hot, otherwise they may injure and cause pain instead of relief. In many cases of pain in the digestive organs hot bottles" of indiarubber covered with flannel, or a bag of hot salt, afford wonderful relief.-Rura-I World. How TO ROLL AN UMBRELLA.—The right way to hold your umbrella is to take hold of the ends of the ribs and the stick with the same hand, and hold them tightly enough to prevent their being twisted while the covering is twirled around with the other hand. Then your umbrella will be as nicely closed as when you bought it, and the only wear and tear will be on the cloth. It is twisting the ribs out of shape around the stick and fastening them there that spoils the majority of umbrellas. Never hold the umbrella by the handle alone when you roll it up, and you will find it will last longer and cost less for repairs. HOUSEHOLD HI*TS.—Never wash silver -.backed brushes, for this treatment utterly ruins them. In- stead, clean the bristles by rubbing them thoroughly with flour. The flour may afterwards be shaken out, and then what remains can be rubbed eff with soft paper. The back of the brush should be polished with chamois leather. Sometimes when one is away from home on one's] travels, it happens that the blankets on one's bed are not plentiful enough, and one is too chilly to'sleep. In this case a good night's rest may generally be secured by placing a newspaper or two between the folds of the bed coverings. This is a hint worth remembering, and may be made use of at home. by those who cannot afford a sufficiency of blankets. In preparing dishes for the sick be sure that first of all they are dainty. Have the thinnest china and snowy table linen. Do not put too much on the table. Have very thin slices of bread and the tiniest balls of butter. For good coffee use an agate coffee pot. Keep it scrupulously clean. Do not close the lid when it is empty, and do not place in a close closet. Do not let coffee stand on the fire after it has boiled. When clothing has been "wrinkled and crushed by packing, if shaken out vigorously and hung up or spread out in a hot room over-night, its apperance will be much improved. To prevent lamp-chimneys from cracking put them into a kettle of cold water, gradually heat it till it boils, and then let it as gradually cool. Before pouring very hot water into a glass put a spoon in the glass. The spoon prevents the cracking of the vessel by ab- sorbing much of the heat. CREAM FOR CHILDREN.—Cream is a most nourish- ing article of diet, and many delicate children with ■mall appetites digest it easily and thrive upon it. It can be given a teaspoonful at a time, in a baby's bottle. Older children can have it added to their oatmeal, and it may also be used spread upon bread. With the addition of a little golden syrup, it is generally enjoyed by children, and it often tempts them to eat heartily when they otherwise would not do so.—The Sun. NURSERY NOTKB.—Somnambulism is generally met' with iti childreo orver six years old. It is, as a rule, caused by excitement, which acts on the nerves; gastric disease and over-study are also other causes and sometimes there are more serious symptoms, i which show there is a tendency to epilepsy. In all liases attention must be paid to the general health, lessons must be relaxed, and the home-life: must be as quiet as possible while, if the weather is favourable, a change of air and sea bathing are often of servioe. To allow a child to run wild for a month or two, either at the sea or m the country, is a simple I rmedy.-F-timing NMNL s I
POST FREE. LOST ff 64OOD !f you i,li for Manly Vigor, send for the best and most valuable work 011 ATROPHY nnd VARICOCELE, by M.D., Ch.M., with special chapters on the explanation of Vital Secrets, and the certain CURE OF Prostration. DEBILITY and DECAY. This work is .w TJltt"e!<t :!uide in ESSENTIAL MATTERS, and treats in an exhaustive manner the subject of the various diseases which emanate from abuses of all kinds, as well as those which arise through no fault of the sufferer. A few of the ailments which the work treats of are Exhausted Vitality, Spermatorrhoea. Yonthful Imprudence, Lost Manhood, Premature Decayt c' Despondency, Loss of Energy, Weakness, Varicocele, Dimness of Sight, Brain Fag, Nervous* ness. Blotches 011 the Skin, Loss of Memory, MeUncholv, Noises in the Ears, Liver Complaints, Bladder and Kidney Complaints, and every form of disease peculiar to the Urinary Urgans. It should be read by everyone, and will he found of inestimable value. Its compilation is the result of many years' experience in the treatment of these diseases, and the author is sure that it will be found a complete treatise on these distressing ailments. Write for a copy to-day, and I will send one FREE OF CHARGE. Address: Surgeon," 7 Bristol Gardens, Brighton, Sussex, England. Name this paper. — 1J BTg*—
F U iN AxND FANCY. HE: Are you sure I am the only man YO1 evor really and truly loved ?" She: Perfectly.sure. I went over the whole list only yesterday." MH. PUFFER (pompously): Perhaps you don't know who I am, sir ?' Railway Guard: "Yes, sir, I do: you're a passenger, that's all." You never know what you don't w an't till yon have to have it. MRS. GREENE: "How oddly that Mrs. Gray acts. Was she always that way ?" Mrs. Brown Oh, dear, no only since she has been reading the latest book on etiquette." EYKUV woman likes to be thought a riddle, but not one hat can't be guessed. To whom shall I go to get advice as to how to make a success of life?" "Go to someone who has tailed." "Why?" "The successful people are too busy to talk." I WISH I was a girl," said Bobbie. Why do you wish t-liat?" asked his father. "Oh, then I wouldn't have to bother about thinking what I'll be when I'm a man." THKY had been "keeping company for eight years, and when he finally proposed and was accepted, in the ardour of his enthusiasm he exclaimed Darling, you are worth your weight in gold!" With almost cruel facetiousness she replied That is saying a good deal, for it's been an awfully long wait." BROWN: "My wife objected to having a burglar- alarm put in the house." Jones: "Why?" Brown: NA ell, she says that if there is no alarm, burglars may finish their work quietly without waking any- one while, if she ever heard an alarm ring, she'd be sure to have hysterics." LITTLE JOHNNY: Mamma, let's play I am your met her, and you are my little boy." Mamma: "Very well, dear; how shall we play it?" Little Johnny: I'll tell you; you start to do something, and I'll tell you not to." CALLER I have here several bills which are long overdue." Harduppe (desperately): "I am sorry to say that our cashier is out to-day." Caller:" Oh. well, it doesn't make much difference. I'll call and paytheni at some future date. Good-day, sir." tksTEE (who has just sung for charity): Well, I never thought my voice would fill that big hall." Brother: Neither did I. I thought it would empty it-" ITi snAsn: I'd like to be able to live my past life over again." Wife: I am surprised at you, John. Haven't you blunderfd enough as it is?" FIRST POET: "Why do you call your book 'A Round of Songs ?" Second Poet: Because each poem has been the rounds of all the magizines, but never been accepted." QUITE* few of those who would rather be right than be famous are nevertheless ready to stifle their own preferences for the public good. Si In: I hope you can oome next Thursday. We're having some music, and a supper after." He: "Oh, yes, I'll come. But-er-I may be late!" WHY do the roses fade slowly away?" she in- quired poetically. Well," replied the bald-headed young man with wide ears, when you think it over it's all for the beet. It's more comfortable to have tliffn fade slowly away than to go off all of a sudden like a torpedo." GOOIH.Y What is grander than a man you can trusit ?" Cynicus: One who will truet you." WILLIAMSON Why is it a young fellow will make a fool of himself to catch a wife?" Because it's the best bait be can use." M RS. FATPCRSE You paint pictures to order don't you?" Great Artist: Yes, madam." Mrs. Fatpurse Well, I want a landscape with lote of deer and ducks, and' quail, and partridges and pheasants, and cattle and sheep, and pigs, and so on, you know; and put a lake and an ocean in fresh and salt water, you know; and be sure to have plenty of tish swimmmg about, because it's for the dining- room." "HAVE you a book entitled 'A Short Road te Wealth'?" Certainly; and I suppose you will want a copy of the penal code, t. TELLER: ''My Uncle Grout is a sarcastic old fellow painfully so, at times." Askins: That so Teller Yes. I have just received the following j telegram from him: 'Dear Nephew,—If you Want to see your Cousin Frank for the last time before he marries, come at once. You are the third man,* said the young woman musingly, "who has asked me to marry him." "And if you marry me," replied the well-preserved widower, you will be my third wife! All great events go in threes!" The combination was too strong for her, and she yielded. SRLF-CONTKOL is that desirable quality which enables a man to kick himself without at the same time attracting general attention. HK Do you really believe ignorance is bliss ?" She: I don't know. You seem to be happy." WIIAT strange questions children ask!" ex- claimed the gentle-faced map. "Humph!" exclaimed the neighbour. Your trouble hasn't fairly begun. Wait till they come home and ask you what the weight of the whole fish is if x, y,and z equal a lot of things that you've forgotten years ago." S.MCFF: You and Jinks don't seem to be as thick as you were. Does he owe you money ?" Bluff: "No, not exactly but he wants to." RKMEMBER one thing that I amabout'to tell you." said the successful man to the ambitious young man. It's a rule that is well worth remembering." What is it, sir ?" Never do anything that your conscience will reproach you for. Hire somebody else to do it." j IF there is no other way in which a woman can be complimented, tell her that she is a great pro- blem. W IFE Who was that who called ?" Husband: One of my tenants called to pay his rent." Did he pay it ?" Yes." Then why do you look so gloomy ?" He didn't say a word about wanting five or ten pounds' worth of repairs." What of it r' That shows that he's going to leave." How long have you been in the army Bince before the war." "Which war?" The next one." IT happened at the club. This telepathy, or thought transference, or whatever it is, isn't such a wonderful thing, after all," he sad. I can sit here with you fellows, and still be conscious of what my wife is thinking about, and just what she is saying to herself." Undoubtedly," replied one of the others; but yon couldn't do it if you didn't I see the clock." YES," confessed the imprisoned confidence man, "I have had moments of deep regret. I remember on the occasion of my first arrest-I was barely j nineteen years old-" "Yes?" put in the good j old clergyman sympathetically. "I was bitterly dis- 1 appointed to find that not a single newspaper re- ferred to me as young in years, but old in crime. IF we knew as much as we think we know our opinion of ourselves would not be nearly so high. j DOCTOJI," where did you get that beautiful scarf- j pin ?" "From my first patient." "Inheritance?" JUDGE: You are accused of stealing six reams of J paper, three gallons of ink, and five gross of pens. What have you to say to the charge?" Prisoner: f Your Honour, I am a novelist, and I was merely j collecting material for a new story." 1 BIG HEAD: "Isn't it strange that men who make F money in one place always go to another place. to spend it?" Cynic: Not at all. By going to another i place they don't have to live down the reputation they | acquired while making their money." j | ,IF you would enjoy your infatuation, never j scrutinize it. J So you think there really i* something in here- I dity. after all ?" I do. Young Mundsley, who is j trying to gst up a North Pole expedition, is the son j of a woman who used to be an inveterate house- j hunter, not because she could have used a houee if ( she had found one, but for the mere love of the j thing. j WILL you always love* me ?* Will you alwaye be lovable ?" I LF.ARN to hold all the Bkirts of thy mantle ex- | tended when heaven is raining gold, says an Eastern j proverb. 6 IT isn't my wife's new summer clothes that worry i roe." Well, what is it?" As soon as,she gets dressed in her new finery she wants scores of photo* graphs taken." POKT I have a poem here, sir, entitled 'poery. Editor Poetry entitled Poetry,' eh1 Why don't you write something about something yeu know something about?" THAT womaa next door went and got a hat exactly like mine." Did you v&ikeMfam about it f" No I fave mine to the nook."