Barry Herald

HOME HINTS. Jo not et stale flowers remain in a sick room. Do not leave vegetables in water after they are cooked. Run vinegar on the isinglass in stove doors and so have them clean. MUSLIN curtains, figured and ruffled, look well for narrow windows in apartments. HAY water sweetens tin, wooden and iron ware. This is made by boiling a little sweet hay in water. THE best remedy for oderous drain-pipes is copperas dissolved in water and poured slowly through them. OILY medicines can easily be taken from a spoon that is very hot, as the oil slips off quickly. SAVE raw potato parings, for when they are thoroughly dry they may be useful to economise wood in the lighting or reviving a fire. NURSERY combs rarely need washing, but they must be frequently cleaned with borax-powder rubbed on dry, and then polished with soft tissue-paper. IT takes more than twice as much sugar to sweeten preserves and sauces if put in when they begin to cook as it does if the sugar is added after cooking is done. IRONWARE by constant use gets a kind of black on its surface that is destroyed by scraping. Wash and dry, and if there is roughness remove it by rubbing with paper and dry salt. COPPER kettles and other articles may be success- fully cleaned by rubbing them with half a lemon dipped in salt. When clean they should be rinsed in clean water, and polished with a soft cloth.— Janet" in the Evening News. NEVER draw the curtain in your bedroom, particu- larly during the daytime, on a sunny day. Sunlight is one of the factors essential to health, and a room wherein the sun shines is pretty sure to be one that will invigorate the body during sleeping hours. MOCK CREAM PIE (VERY GOOD).—Bake, in deep, round tins, batter made of three eggs beaten stiff, one cupful of sugar, one and one- half cupfuls of flour, one and one-half tea- spoonfuls of baking powder. When baked, cut off the top, scoop out the inside, and fill with custard; one pint of milk, three tablespoonfuls of flour, five tablespoonfuls of sugar, two eggs boiled together. SroNGE CAKE.—Six eggs, two cups of fine granu- lated sugar, 2i cups of flour sifted three times, one cup of boiling water, one level teaspoonful of baking powder; flavour to taste. Beat yolks of eggs and sugar to a cream, then pour in the boiling water add flour with baking powder in it, then whites of eggs beaten stiff. Bake in a moderate oven one hour. A cup of cold water in the pan over it keeps the oven moist. FRENCH CREAM CAKE.—Four eggs, one cup of white sugar, one cup and two tablespoonfuls of flour, one tablespoonful of baking powder in flour, and two tablespoonfuls of cold water. This cake is better a day or two old. Bake in two deep pans and split with a sharp knife. When cold fill with the follow- ing custard Filling Boil nearly one pint of milk; mix two tablespoonfuls of corn-starch with a little milk. add two eggs and stir in the milk slowly with one scant teacup of sugar. If you wish it very rich add one-half cup of butter; but it is very good without butter. When cool add two teaspoonfuls of vanilla. CARAMEL CAKE.—Whites of eight eggs, three-fourths cup of butter, one and three-fourths cups of sugar, two and three-fourths cups of flour, one-half cup of sweet milk and one heaping teaspoonful of yeast powders. Bake in jelly pans. Filling: Four cups of brown sugar, one cup of sweet milk, one cup of butter and two cups of shelled pecans. Put sugar and milk on stove together; after it commences to boil put in butter and let it boil until it will drop from the spoon then put in pecans and let it remain a few minutes on the stove, then remove and beat until it is stiff enough to put between the cake. FRUIT CAKE —Eight pounds of raisins, 2!lb. of citron, 2ib. of currants, lib. of butter, ten eggs, four cups of brown sugar, six cups of flour, one cup of milk, three tablespoonfuls of ground cinnamon, two tablespoonfuls of ground allspice, one table- spoonful of ground cloves, four grated nutmegs, one small cup of molasses, one wineglassful of brandy and two tablespoonfuls of baking powder. This receipt makes two very large fruit cakes. FRIED CAULIFLOWER.—Clean and separate the cauli- flower and trim the stalks to a point. Cook five minutes in boiling water, drain, and cook again in fresh boiling water to which a tablespoonful of salt has been added. When tender drain again and roll each piece in sifted breadcrumbs, cover with beaten egg diluted with two tablespoonfuls of water, drain and roll again in crumbs and fry in deep fat to a golden brown. Drain on soft paper and serve at once on a folded napkin with sprigs of parsley between them and tomato sauce in a separate dish. Ris AU GRATIN.—Have cleaned and trimmed the required quantity of sweetbreads and cut them in slices. Butter a gratiner and sprinkle it with chape- lure. Place the sweetbreads on this and thin slices of bacon, minced fine" breadcrumbs, fine herbs, and a few mushrooms cut fine. Season with salt, pepper, and mustard. Moisten it well with bouillon, cover the top thickly with chapelure and little dice of butter. Cook with fire above and below one hour. BRAISED LIVER.—Wash and lard a calf's liver, and place it in a deep baking-pan on a bed composed of one turnip, one carrot, one stalk of celery, and one onion, all chopped. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, pour on a pintof boiling water, cover the pan, and place in a moderate oven for two hours, or until the liver is done. Remove the meat, put a tablespoonful of butter into a frying-pan, heat it, and add the liquor strained from the vegetables and a little flour. Stir until it begins to boil, then add a tablespoonful of Worcestershire sauce, pour over the liver, and serve at once.-The Sun. CURRIED SARDINES.—Mix together one teaspoonful each of sugar and curry powder, one cup of cream, and a teaspoonful of lemon juice. Stir over the are until hot, then put in eight or nine sardines. When hot, artange on a hot dish with round slices of apple sauted, in butter. Surround with a wall of boiled rice; pour the sauce over all, and serve. SWISS TOIATO SAUSAGES.—Take lib. of sausages, lib. of tomatoes, a small onion, oz. of cornflour, half a pint of cold water, pepper and salt to taste. First prick the sausages and lay them in a stewpan with the sliced tomatoes and onion, add the water and, seasoning, and cook slowly for about 20 minutes. Directly the sausages are done take each one up carefully, set on a hot dish, and press the vegetables through a hair seive. Thicken the puree with the cornflour made into a paste with cold water, bring to boil, stir constantly for five minutes, pour slowly over the sausages and serve. Scatter finely- chopped parsley all over. TOMATO PIE.—Slice a good-sized onion thinly, and fry in butter till lightly browned. Take one pound of ripe tomatoes, skin and cut in slices. Place a layer of onions in the bottom of a pie-dish, then a layer of tomatoes, with white breadcrumbs scattered over, and a few bits of butter. Next have a thin layer of onions, and so on till the dish is full. Have ready some boiled potatoes, mash them with butter, pepper, and salt, and spread over the tomatoes to form a prust. VEGETABLE MARROW AU PARMESAN.—Peel a small vegetable marrow, steep it in salted water for half an ] hour, take out and drain. Cut as many slices as you require to fill the dish you intend using. Melt some butter in a stew-pan, put in the slices, season with a little salt, pepper, and spice. Let all fry for a few minutes, stirring constantly. Place on a buttered dish, sprinkle grated Parmesan cheese thickly on the top, over this scatter breadcrumbs and a few bits of butter. Bake in a hot oven for 10 minutes and serve. SICK-BOOM NURSING.—The nurse should never stand at the head of the bed, but where she can easily be seen. The nurse must have great patience, and be firm in carrying out the doctor's orders. She should be tidy in appearance, and should never argue with the patient. If the patient desires reading, or if reading aloud is not trying to the nerves, it should be done slowly. Never hurry or raise the voice unduly.-—Spare Moments. RUSSIAN SALAD.—Have ready some boiled carrots, turnips, beetroot, and haricot beans. Slice the turnips, and, if possible, cut the other vegetables with a vegetable-scoop into shapes. Take a cupful of cold fish. Arrange all the above ingredients in a dish; garnish with gherkins and chopped parsley. Make a sauce thus: Place the yolks of two raw eggs in a bowl, stir with a wooden spoon, adding oil very slowly till you have sufficient sauce. Add tarragon vinegar, pepper, salt, made mustard, and capers. Pour over the salad. Garnish it with hard-boiled egg, pickles, or capsicums—anything, in fact, that ia bright-coloured. STEA* A LA FRANCAISB.—Take a piece of steak about two inches thick. Melt three ounces of drip- ping in a frying-pan, and when quite hot put it in the steak, turning constantly with a knife till quite brown. Take the steak out, and put in a pan with a tight-fitting cover. In the frying-pan put a large onion and half a carrot, sliced, and some chopped parsley. When nicely browned lay on the eteat.and pour round a pint of good stock. Add a few pepper- corns and three cloves. Cover the pan closely; and place in the oven, where it should bake slowly for an nour and a half. Serve with the vegetables on the meat and the gravy poured round. Garnish wfth

GUEST: You charge more for a porter-house steak than you used to. Why is it ?" Proprietor of Restaurant: I have to pay more for it. The pries of beef has gone Guest: is small.. than it used to be, too." Proprietor: That, of oourse. is on accoqj^of the scarcitf of ,b($af,?lW.

SCIENCE NOTES. A BACTERIOLOGICAL institute has recently been established at Vladivostok, and a similar institute is shortly to he opened at Meiv. in Central Asia. Y. uu if—• THE sunflof 25,000 dollars has been promised ts Vassar Cofiege towards a biological laboratory, on condition that an equal amount be raised for the same purpose bytother means. 1 £ I ,¡I MICROSCOPISTS require two sets of eyes-pieces for their achromatic and apobhfomatic objectives, but the new hbloseopic eye-piece serves for both/and gives very beautiful images. 1; ACCORDING to a recently issued Consular report, a new process for the production of ammonia has re- cently been discovered in Germany. The process is said to be at present an expensive one, but this difficulty will, it is though, be overcome. ACCORDING to the experiments of Mr. W. J. S. Lockyer with electric sparks as described in Nature, dark lightning flashes do not exist, but they appear on photographs owing to some chemical actions in the gelatine film. A SCIENTIFIC and commercial mission, under the direction of M. Ernest Milliau, director of the Laboratory of Technical Experiments in connection with the Ministry of Agriculture, Paris, has been sent to Russia and Roumania with the object of taking measures for facilitating and extending busi- ness relations with those countries, especially with regard to the exportation of olive oils. MAGNALIUM is a new alloy of magnesium and aluminium (10 to 30 per cent. by weight of the former metal), which has been introduced by Dr. L. Mach; and is a bright, silvery metal, hard and good for turning. AT the Academie de Medicine, France. M. Laborde reports 14 fresh cases of resuscitation from apparent death by the method of rhythmic traction of the tongue. Half were cases of drowning, and took from 20 to 60 minutes of treatment to revive them. Another case was brought back to life after three hours of traction. IN the American \zchinist, Mr. Frank Richards gives his experience of liquid air as .applied to propel motor-cars. Liquid air is a safe means of carrying compressed air, and can be employed to work a com- pressed air-engine. A tricycle could be worked by it at less than the expense of a horse. M. DE LAPPABENT has tried the wireless telegraph successfullv between Chamounix and the Observa- tory of M. Vallot, Mont Blanc, a distance of eight miles, with a difference of altitude of 10,000 feet. An important new observation was made by him, namely, that, while the electric state of the atmos- phere did not prevent the working of the apparatus, the electric lighting of Chamounix made communica- cation impossible. MR. C. E. KELwAT has (the Globe says) invented a method of locating sounds by means of wireless tele- graphy. It was recently shown to the Canadian Minister of Marine and Fisheries, and is under con- sideration by the Lights Committee of Trinity House. The inventor hopes that it will obviate the use of the lead in thick weather, and prevent the stranding of ships, except through criminal negligence. IT is known that chloroform and ether have an action on moist seeds, and forbid germination, but, according to M. Coupin, in a note to the Academic des Sciences, they have no action on dry seeds, and consequently might be used to kill insects among the seeds. M. VIOI.LE, the well-known French chemist, recently announced to the Academie des Sciences, Paris, that a new radiant metal had been extracted from pitch blende. It seems to approach titanium in its properties, and is a far more powerful radiator than uranium. WE are told by Mr. W. Wagstaffe, in Knowledge, that we lose 31b. 6oz. between night and morning we gain lib. 12oz. by breakfast. That we again lose about 14oz. before lunch; that lunch puts on an average of lib; that we again lose during the after- noon an average of lOoz.; but that an ordinary dinner to healthy persons adds 21b. 2oz; to their weight. ACCORDING to M. Grellet, in a paper to the Academie de Medicine, Paris, the dressing of soil with lime for farming purposes on the plateau of Chatillon-sur-Loing (Loiret) has expelled the malaria from the district. The soil there is clayey, and rests on hard, impermeable pudding stone. The anti- malarial influence of lime is not well understood, but it may account for the absence of malaria in many parts which are marshy or humid—for example, Egypt after the Nile floods. MR. COWPER-COLES has (says the Globe) invented an apparatus for locating sounds. It consists of a sound reflector, which can be turned in all directions, and when it is in line with the source of the sound the operator hears it most distinctly. A hearing tube is adjusted at the focus of the reflector. Con- versation can be carried on between ships or over long distances, without raising the voice, by having two of these locators. One correspondent speaks through the tube into the reflector of one, and the other hears through the tube of his reflector. Experi- ments at St. Margaret's Bay showed that the ticking of a watch in the focus of one reflector could be heard in another at a distance at 20ft. when a strong wind blew across the line of sound. ACCORDING to Mr. Salomon Reinach, a Well-known French anthropologist (see L'Anthrcpolojjie, Vol. X. 1899, p. 397), there was in 1000 B.C. an overland trade in tin between the British Islands and Thrace or Macedonia. The relation of Britain, Northern Europe, and Western Asia are proved by the diffu- sion of tin, amber, spiral ornaments, and bronze implements. Homeric Greece (800 B.C.) knew the Ceitic name of the Cassiterides or tin islandsand the phenomenon of the short nights of North Britain. The tin was brought to the Agean by Greeks or Barbarians, who sought an oversea route in order to keep the trade in their-own hands. The invention of the anchor by Midas of Phrygia ren- dered this feasible. Reinach considers that he first brought lead and tin to Greece by the north-west sea route, and that the Phoenicians got the trade into their hands later. Leak, Hamilton, and Ramsay re-discovered Phrygia, but 27 centuries ago the Phrygians discovered Britain. EVERY shrewd chemist and manufacturer is alive to the importance of utilising by-products wherever practicable. In this connection a new and interest- ing development is announced in the chemical in- dustry of the United States in the utilisation of the sulphuretted hydrogen gas developed as a by-product in the refining of asphaltum at the Californian Asphaltum Company's Works at Ventura, Cal. The gas is burned to sulphurous anhydride in the usual well-known manner, and the product of the com- bustion is conveyed to the lead chambers. Owing to the method of its production the gas is of a high degree of purity, and the acid produced is also of high grade. At present the output amounts to 10 tons per day, when the works are run at their fnll capacity. The Pacific Coast is beginning to have an important chemical industry. Sulphuric is made on a rather large scale elsewhere in California. A RUSSIAN engineer, M. Olschewsky, after long re- searches based on the method of Michaelis, has made a good artificial stone. Michaelis showed that hot steam acting on slaked lime and ground quartz produced a hard silicate of lime, resembling the natural stone. Olschewsky employs two to 10 parts by weight of lime, and 98 to 90 parts of sand. Artificial bricks and slates are made in this way, and as they do not absorb moisture like natural stone they are better for some building purposes. The blocks are whitish, but can be coloured artificially, Their form depends on the mould, and can be highly ornamental. In Germany, Denmark, Holland, and Russia, this new industry is flourishing so well that already 150 works are making the stone. It promises to be active in parts of England, where sand and lime are common—for example, Surrey and Kent. IN Engineering there is an interesting contribution by Professor Barr, of Glasgow University who deals with meteorological phenomena. It used, he said, to be commonly supposed that the particles forming a fog or a cloud consisted of small vesicles or bubbles of water, filled with some very light gas. This extraordinary conception arose from the supposed necessity of finding some explanation of the suspen- sion of these particles in the a'r* The pro- cess of formation of such vesicles, and the presence in them of gas which was lighter than air, though subject to a very considerable pressure on account of the capillary contractility of the envelope, were mysteries never explained. But the principle just given will suffice to indicate that very small particles of water will fall very slowly in still air, while a very slight upward current will suffice to keep them from descending at all in the case of very small particles. Aitken has shown that the globules forming a fog or cloud consist each of I' a film of water condensed upon a particle of dust. The core is therefore solid, not gaseous. <,

READINGS FOR THE YOUNG. JUST BE GLAD. o heart of mine, we shouldn't Worry so! What we've missed of calm we couldn't Have, you kno w! What we've met of stormy pain, And of sorrow's driving rain, We can better meet again If it blow. We have erred in that dark hour We have known, When the tears fell with the shower, All alone- Were not shine and shower blent As the gracious Master meant? Let us temper our content With His own. For we know, not every morrow Can be sad So, forgetting all the sorrow We have had, Let us fold away our fears, J And put by our foolish tears. I And through all the coming years ( Just be glad. WHEN BULLETS ARE FLYING. What are the feelings of an officer when, for the first time he leads his men into battle ? (asks a writer in Chums). This is a question which the soldier him- self alone can answer, and we suspect that a good many would be unwilling to go too closely into the subject. "he hum of a rifle bullet, the shriek of a shell, the rush of a cannon shot must be, and always has been, extremely trying to the inexperienced warrior. A certain officer, who prefers on this occasion to be nameless, has frankly described his first experience in battle. We were advancing to the scene of opera- tions (he says). On entering a strip of wood it occurred to me that my men, being raw recruits, would not fight well on horseback, and so I ordered them to dismount. This, of course, stopped the whole body of the army behind the regiment. While the men were leisurely tying their horses, an officer came up at a furious gait and asked peremptorily: What have you stopped here for, and blocked up the whole road ?" I saw the point in a moment, and bade my men move out of the wood. In the mean- time my scrabbard got itself hopelessly entangled in a bush, and the more I tried to get it loose, the more it stack the faster." So I told my men to form at the edge of the wood aid wait for me. Then I cut the straps and left my broken scabbard in the bush, while, with naked blade flashing in my hand, I rushed to the front. Not a man could I find. They were anxious to see the fun, and had run over the brow of the hill, and scattered along the whole length of the line. After infinite difficulty, many words and more temper, I got theui together again. We were barely in position when I heard a distant cannon, and at the same instant saw the ball high in the air. As near as I could calculate, it was going to strike ex- actly where I stood, and I dismounted with remark- able agility, only to see the missile of war pass 60ft. overhead. I felt rather foolish as I looked at my men, but a good deal relieved when I saw they, too, had all squatted on the ground and were none of them looking at me. I quickly mounted again and commanded them to stand up." We were ordered to charge soon after, and the enemy easily gave way before us, for which I was:most devoutly thankful. We passed some dead and wounded, the first sad results of real war that I had ever seen. At night black clouds overspread the sky, the rain fell in torrents, not even a camp-fire could be kept to light up the impenetrable gloom. I stretched myself upon the soaked ground. The pale, rigid faces that I had seen turned up to the evening sun appeared before me, as I tried in vain to shield my own from the driving rain, and as the big foot of a comrade, blundering round in the darkness, splashed my eyes full of mud, I closed them in my first sleep upon a battlefield. 1"1: AS PLAYED IN CHINA. The Chinese are about the last people in the world one would expect to play football, yet in Northern China there are quite a number of football teams (says a writer in Chums). Of course the game as played by the Celestials is very different from the British form of the past'me. For instance, a sort of wickerwork basket takes the place of the ball, and instead of being played in a field the match is fought out in the streets, the rival teams consisting of 50 a side. The two goals are formed by the two ends of the town, and the object of the game is to carry the ball, or rather the basket, into the opponent's end. Very little business is done in the town while the match is being played, for the proceedings are of an exceedingly rough and rapid kind. A certain number of players are posted in all the principal streets. Meantime the townsfolk at their windows watch the play with as much interest as the spectators of a Rugby game in this country. The scrimmages are simply terrific. For once John Chinaman dis- penses with his fan and his grumpish manners, and plays the game like a Trojan. Every player is pro- vided with a whistle to call the assistance of his friends from adjoining streets, and when the players are called together for a big scrum in some par- ticular street, the uninformed onlooker would suppose Chinese Bedlam had broken loose. Such howling and hooting, such tumbling and charging and hustling—a British scrimmage is tame beside it. There is no umpire, no method, and practically no code of rules. It is rough and tumble and go as you please," and the game often lasts for days. PRBAKS INDULGED IN BY BOYS. There is no limit to what a boy will do, once he has made up his mind (says a writer in Chums) and some Of the freaks of youngsters during the last few years are so remarkable that if they were de- scribed in stories they would hardly be believed. It is only a few months ago, for instance, that four boys at Dover alarmed the police during the night by boarding a steam yacht in the harbour. The youths, having managed to get aboard the craft, burst open the door of the engine-room, got up steam, and set the vessel in motion, tripping round and round the harbour. Fortunately, they were discovered before it was too late, or, according to experts who saw the boiler immediately after the boys were detected, a very serious explosion might have occurred. It is a curious fact that the sea appeals more than anything to boys of this turn of mind. There have been many instances of the kind within the last few years. Not so very many months ago some Liverpool boys were stopped on the Mersey as they were setting out for a voyage in a small boat which they had loosed from its moorings and a year or two since a number of London boys, having got possession of a rather large sum of money, stocked a boat with eat- ables and were about to set out on a voyage round the world when they were surprised by the appear- ance of a policeman on the scene. The boat had been well filled with provisions, which the boys had ob- tained in small quantities so as not to excite suspi- cion, and had they not been interfered with it seems probable that they might have existed at sea for months. A boy of 18, named Schreiber, managed to outwit the Vienna police on the occasion of the Austrian Emperor's last birthday by climbing up the steeple of St. Stephen's church and fixing a black- and-yellow flag on the top. Four other persons had been prevented from attempting to perform this feat, but Schreiber succeeded in reaching the summit with- out being noticed, though he was stopped on coming down, and was compelled to go to the police-station. PAID WITH HIS LIRA. ■ A remarkable story is told by a writer in Chums of a Californian boy, who was killed while fighting in the American army at Manila. In a moment of weakness his father embezzled some public funds, and this so worked upon the sensitive mind of the boy that he determined never to rest until he had atoned for his parent's crime. The stolen money amounted to a very large sum, £ 10,000 in fact; but he set before himself the task of working until he could repay it. He determined at first to become a merchant; but when the war with Spain broke out a new idea occurred to him. This was that he should enter the army. If he was killed, he thought, the sacrifice of his life would be atonement. If he sur- vived, he might live to pay back the debt. So be en- listed, and met his death in battle, thus showing a spirit not only of bravery, but of heroic self-sacrifice. SHOOTING STARS. In the course of an article on shooting-stars in Littk Folks the author says: "Then think of a meteor which, rushing at that speed through space, meets the covering of our earth, and you will under- stand, perhaps, how a very great heat is made. Now, think of hundreds and hundreds of small bodies wandering round the sun on this pathway, then think of a shoal of herrings in the ocean, think of a huge. flock of birds, or of a swarm of locusts and it will help you to see how the meteors travel in a vast body, and yet how each separate one must finish its own' journey of thousands and thousands of miles once in 33 years, for, of course, unlike the fish, the birds, or the locusts, the meteors must keep on a certain track. For the greater part of the vear we see almost no meteors, but once in each year the earth crosses their track, and that is in November.*

KIND FATHER My dear, if you want a good husband, marry Mr. Goodheart. He really and truly loves you." Daughter: Are you sure of that, papa?" Kind Father: "Yes, indeed. I've been borrowing money of him for six months and still he keens coming. tot;' J 1 !■

POST FREE. Kv m m LOST. MA HOOD. It you I for '-Nl I IN,i,or, send for liie j,e,t and most valuable work on ATROPHY and VARICOCELE, by M.D., Ch.M., with special chapters on the explanation of Vital Secrets, and the certain CURE OF Prostration. DEBILITY and DECAY. This work is "he purest guide in ESSENTIAL MATTERS, and treats in an exhaustive manner the subjevt of the varions d^ea^es which emanate mini abuses of all kinds, as well as those which arise throUL'h no fault of the sufferer. A few of the ailments which the work treats of are Exhausted Vitatity, Spermatorrhoea, Youthful Imprudence, Lost Manhood, Premature Decay, Despondency, Loss of Energy, Weakness, Varit-ocele, Dimness of Sight, Brain Fag, Nervous* ness. Blotches on the Skin, Loss of Memory, Melancholy, Noises in the Ears, Liver Complaints, Bladder and Kidney Complaints, and every form of disease peculiar to the Urinary Organs. It should be read by everyone, and will be found of inestimable value. Its compilation is the result of many years' experience in the treatment of these diseases, and the author is sure that it will be found a complete treatise on these distressing ailments. Write for a copy to-day, and I will send one FREE OF CHARGE. Address:—"Surgeon," 7 Bristol Gardens, Brighton, Sussex, England. Name this paper. -r"

FUN AND FANCY. No true lady will bounce out of the room and slam the door after her when asked to forego her new silk M ess for a few days and let her husband settle an old cigir bill. <JRSTOMEE "See here, waiter, how many times are you going past here till you bring me the breakfast that I've ordered ?" Waiter You'll have to count it yourself, sir; I'm too busy!" I'LL know better next time," said Mrs. Ferguson, speaking of it afterwards. I told George's uncle to consider himself at home in our house." "Well?" Well, it wasn't five minutes afterwards that he began to grumble about the cooking." THE idea!" exclaimed the sensational actress, as she beat an angry tattoo on the floorwith her slipper. XViiat's the trouble ? Can't you get your divorce?" iis-ked a friend. Yes butthe lawyer has offered to secure it without publicity THE woman who tells you a secret knows in her hfnrt that you can't keep it any better than she could. IT was a case of love at first sight, was it not?" Yes at his first sight of her bank account." "YOU'VE been a fool all your life," exclaimed the excited husband. Yon seem to forget, dear, that I refused you three times before we were married," said the wife quietly. DAUGHTER "0 papa. I've got the most lovely yachting costume you ever saw." Papa (busily): "I'm glad you like it." Daughter: "it's just too lovely for anything. Now all we need is a yacht." MISTKESS "I saw two policemen sitting in the kitchen with you last night, Bridget." Bridget: '• Well. ma'am, yez wouldn't have an unmarried lady be sittin' with only one policeman, would yez? The other wan wuz a chaberon." MR. HARDHK.M) I have called, sir, to ask for the hand of your daughter." Old Gentleman (with emotion): "She is the only child I have, and her mother is gone." Mr. Hardhead (hastily): "Oh, that's no objection, I assure you." er TOMMY SNIGGLES: "Pa, what is a professional philanthropist? The paper calls Mr. Waxem one." Mr. Sniggles: A professional philanthropist, Tommy, is a man who persuades other people to give their money to the poor and gets 50 per cent. salary for doing it." SHE I don't understand how you men can go out every night." He Oh, that's easy. But I'll admit it puzzles me sometimes how I am going toget in." MAMMA (to Tommy): "I'm sorry you and your sister quarrelled over that orange, and that James bad to interfere. Whose part did he take ?" Tommy: "Whose part? He took the whole orange." Mus. BROWN: "That paper is a fraud." Mr. Brown: In what respect?" Mrs. Brown: "Why, here is a column about Proposals,' and it is all about building contracts and such tiresome things." LADY I wish to get a birthday present for my hmwmci." Shopman How long married ?" Lady: Ten years." Shopman All the bargains are on the right, madam." MARIE I aon't know whether I'd rather be hand- some or rich."Maude: Of course you don'c, having tried neither." THE man who woos and runs away Will never woo another day But he who kisses one girl may Be sure to kiss some more some day." PARTNER Are you aware the cashier has taken a half- interest in a yacht ?" The Confidential Adviser: ù. Perhaps we had better see he does not become a full-Ill-dged skipper." THE girl has just expressed her intention of resign- ing to be married. Well," said her employer, bitterly, if the young man needs a typewriter worse than I do, I suppose it is all right." He doesn't," she replied, promptly but he needs a housekeeper worse than you do a typewriter." MONSIEUR I>E FRANCE: "You wind up ze clock to make him go?" English Tutor: "Exactly." Mon- sieur de France: Zen what for you wind up ze business to make him stop?" On sighed the poetic lady, "had I the wings of a bird!" "Don't!" protested her husband. Don't wish for the wings of a bird. If you had them some other woman would probably be wearing them on her hat before the season is over." SHE: This is an awfully long play. Th" 118"D does not marry the heroine until the close of the fifth act. Five acts are too many." He: "But you forget that this is a modern love story, and the scene is laid in the present day. An author must make his play natural and true to life. Formerly love plays were quite short: but nowadays the men are so shy, from being hunted so much, that it takes the most attractive woman a long time to run a man down and capture him." TomlY: I'se got the toofache awfully." Visitor: You should have the tooth filled, Tommy." Tommy: I did have it filled. That's what makes it ache so." Visitor: I never heard of such a thing. Did you have it filled with gold?" Tommy: "No'm! Had it filled with sweets!" CLARA, you must dress better." Well, Harold, you told me to economise Yes, but I was mis- taken since you have been going shabby five men have refused to lend me money." MIRANDA (visiting city friends): My, here's her visitin' card." Miranda's Husband What does it say?" Miranda It says she's at home Thursdays. Wonder where she stops the rest of the time ?" MRS. PEPPER: You don't act much like it now, but when you proposed to me, you told me that you fell in love with meat first sight." Mr. Pepper And it was the truth. I certainly didn't have the gift of second sight, or I never would have done it." "No," said Mr. Cumrox, I don't think I shall ever try to run one of them orter-that is to say one of those there horseless carriages." It's not at all difficult," said his daughter. "Maybe it's not for some people. But I'd get my mind so tangled up tryin' to pronounce the thing's name that I'd be sure to let it run away with me." A CHANCE to snooze is what some lazy people con- sider a rousing good time. TOOTHSOME "But why did you want to draw me, Miss Dorothy ? Really, you flatter me!" Dorothy Our instructor told us to begin on something Bimple." I SEE villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner. May it please your honour," said the latter, that is a personal reflection." MOTHER (to Bobbie, in disgrace, returning from in- terview with father): My poor boy! Did it—hurt very much ?" Bobbie: Please, mummy, if you don't mind, we won't talk about it!" HE: If I stole 50 kisses from you, what kind of larceny would it be?" She: "I should call it grand." 1 TOM Isn't she a perfect angel ?" Dick: Well, yes and when she sat in front of me at the theatre one night I felt as if I'd like to clip her wings." A HArrr marriage," exclaimed the widow," is like a beautiful dream." "Why? Because people go into it with their eyes shut ?" asked the bachelor girl. ADALIH* When I marry I shall select a man who resembles an arc light." May Gracious! in what way?" Adaline: Not go out at night and never smoke." TOWSK The Greengages have lots of airs since they have had all that money left them." Elsie: Airs ? I should say so. Why, old Greengage has j purchased a piano-organ for his own amusement. t HUBBY Isabel, your new hat is absurd; it looks j just like a huge flower-bed." Wife: Well, you needn't get so excited, Edgar; you don t have to get up before daylight and pull weeds out of it. "WHERE," asked the female suffrage orator, would man be to-day were it not for woman ?" She paused a moment and looked around the hall. I repeat," she said, "where would man be to-day were it not for wo-an ?" "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries," answered a voice from the gallery. UNTO the maiden of my heart By mail I did propose Then waited for what might turn up- Alas! it was her nose. TnE other day a little stenographer in a down-town office begged some workaen who were putting up a new telephone not to place it so high on the w they were doing. You see," she said, I have to use it as much as any one, and I am so short that I can hardly reach it." Oh, well, miss," said the humourist in chaigs of the work, "yea cad IIIÍII yoar votes, can't yoa V

AMERICAN HUMOUfL "JOSH BILLINGS" wrote: It isn't every one that knows enuff to stop when he gits thru. To leno yureseif, and others, too, iz the hight of h.iuian knolledge. Ir iz easier to git a friend than to keep one. t'oliteness makes all the other ackomplishments f zy nnd agreeable. Sudden welth seldum kums bi honesty. Most of cur politicians, and all of the political bosses, know t f: i s to be true. He who kan whissell one tune need never be en- t ri-iy lonesum. The strongest friendships I hav ever notissed hav i between thoze who thought differently but akted i.iike. It iz mighty onsertin what a lazy boy or a yung snaik will amount to. lie who iz afraid ov work iz a koward in every- thing else. I If yu are anxious to bekum famous, yu must be willing to be abuzed. Lies are not the only things that cum home to roost; all evil things do. The experience ov life haz taught me that tbare iz more happiness amung the lowly than amung the great. Honesty once lost may be recovered, but modesty never kan. Time is a great physician; it kures broken hartes, broken heds, and even broken crockery. I hav allwuss sed, and I stik to it yet, that he who repents ov a sin, iz a stronger and safer man than he who doesn't commit it. The slowest time on rekord iz skool time, and the fastest iz sparking time. If yu expekt to win with a lie, you hav got to play it quick. As to military occupation—Mildred," said her father, I am willing that the young lieutenant who comes here should make a coaling station of my house again this winter, but if ever he hints at annexation you may tell him I am unalterably opposed to it." CITIZEN (breathlessly): "Is Snapshot guilty ?" Court Officer: "I don't know." "Jury still out?" No. Jury's in." "Disagree?" "They agreed." "Eh? Grave a verdict ?" "Yes." Well, what was the verdict?" Guilty." Why in creation didn't you say so in the first place?" "Say what?" Guilty." You didn't ask me what the jury thought about it. You asked me if the man was guilty—a different thing altogether." MR. CITIMANN: To save my neck, I can't under- stand why the crowds at the ferries always have such a happy look." Mr. Suburb It's simple enough. After the day's work in the city, we're always glad to get out of it; and after eight or 10 hours in the country, we're always glad to get back." GEORGE: "Say. John: You've been married several years. How much does it cost a couple to live?" John: Hard to strike an ayerage, George. Sometimes it costs all I can rake and scrape and borrow, and sometimes hardly anything." "That's 'queer. How does that happen?" Sometimes we've got a girl, and sometimes we haven't." MRS. SLIMDIET Well, that fellow Longhead who talked about taking board here, is just about the most superstitious man I ever did hear of. He's actually afraid of ghosts." Maid Ghosts, is it ?" Mrs. Slimdiet: Yes he writes that he has changed. his mind about coming, because he's been told that half a dozen people have starved to death here." AMERICAN GIRL (after a proposal): If I should marry you, could I wear a crown ?" Foreign Nobleman: Oh, no." Well, I don't mean a crown exactly, but a coronet, or a sceptre, or something like that." N—o." Then what's the good of a title ?" Think of the palace you could live in, and the horses, and-" I have all that at home." Then there is the society—dukes and princes and—presen- tations at court—you know." I'd like that. But you'd always be with me, wouldn't you ?" Oh, yes." I forgot about that. I guess I won't ac- cept." THE BYSTANDER What are you taking off your hat for?" The Man at the 'Phone I'm talking to a lady." MAMMA." said the sweet youqg girl, I think Mr. Meadows loves me and is beginning to have serious intentions." What," the fond mother asked, has brought you to this opinion ?" He laughed heartily at one of papa's jokes last night." ONCE upon a time an American taunted an Eng- lishman. How can you endure to be taxed to sup- port your idle nobility ?" exclaimed the American, warmly. Then the American paid Sdols. a ton for his coal in order that the directors of the trust might procure dukes and things for sons-in-law. This fable teaches that there are almost as many ways of paying taxes as of dodging the same. HE (at breakfast): My dear, the paper says there was quite a fire in our block early this morning. It was supposed to have been incendiary. She: Well, don't Jet a little thing like thit worry you." He: Why, what do you mean ?" She Nobody will ever accuse you of building it." WILLIAMSON: "Dr. Squills seems to take life easy here of late." Henderson I should say he does. Three of his patients died last week." Boss: "I don't know [whether to discharge that new boy or raise his salary." Manager What has he been doing ? Boss He rushed in my private office this morning, and told me there was a man down stairs who would like to see me." Manager: Who was it ? Boss: A blind man." THE lawyer asked the witness if the incident alluded to wasn't a miracle, and the witness said he didn't know what a miracle was. Oh, come said the attorney. Supposing you were looking out of a window in the twentieth story of a building, and should fall out and should not be injured. What would you call that ?" An accident," was the stolid reply. Yes, yes; but what else would you call it? Well, suppose that you were doing the same thing the next day, and again should find yourself not injured, now what would you call that?" "A coin- cidence," said the witness. "Oh, come, now," the lawyer began again. Just suppose that on the third day you were looking out of the twentieth story window, and fell out, and struck your head on the pavement twenty stories below, and were not injured. Come, now, what would you call it?* "Three times?" said the witness, rousing a little from his apathy. Well, I'd call that a habit." And the lawyer gave it up. A PHILADELPHIA paper tells a funny story of the blizzard days of last winter in that city. A certain Mr. K. had over his dining-room a skylight which was burdened with a great weight of snow, and early one evening he took a snow-shovel and went up to remove it. He shovelled it off, and then it occurred to him that he would perform the same service for his next-door neighbour, whose dining-room lay side by side with his own, the construction of the two houses being alike. The inmate of the next house was a worthy widow, whom Mr. K. had never met, but with whom his wife was on calling terms. Mr. K. proceeded to a position from which he could, as he supposed, safely shovel off the snow, but in doing so he made a false step and got on the skylight. Crash went the glass, and down through the aperture went Mr. £ It chanced that his next door neighbour was just at this time eating her dinner. Mr. K. landed in a sitting posture in the middle of her table, surrounded by snow, broken glass and china, and capsized dishes of food, and still manfully brandishing nis snow shovel, The shovel told the story to the widow. Although somewhat disconcerted, she quickly regained her composure, recognised the neighbour whom she had seen pass her door, and exclaimed, politely: Oh, Mr. K., I am very glad youve called I I've often heard Mrs. K. speak of you I I CALLED on Ferkins last evening," remarked Mr. Brown. Did you have a pleasant time ? inquired Mrs. Brown. Very. Perkins was beating his wife when I came in." "What?" "I say Perkins waa beating his wife, but of course he stopped when I came in." Well, I should hope so." I begged1 him to go right on, but he said some other tima would do just as well." You begged him to go on?" "Why, yes, I didn't want to spoil toe fun, you know." Oh, you brute!' Eh?" Do you mean to say that you could have looked calmly oa while he beat his wife?" "Certainly. Why not ?" I thought you had at least a spark of maa- hood left. I suppose you will be beating me Dext." Yes, I think I could if you would play cribbega with me." Play cribbage ?" Yea. That is what: Perkins and his wife were doing." "Yen ttOMst Ihteg*"