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Cuddio Rhestr Erthyglau

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YANKEE HUMOUR.

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YANKEE HUMOUR. JUST AS GOOD. "I don't see," paid the old man, "why chop. ping wood isn't just about as good exercise and just as enjoyable as playing golf." "It is the walking between the strokes that makes golf,so valuable an exercise," explained the boy. "That c-quali es matters and gives the legs the exercise that tlu-y need." » Then it happei ed that tIe old man went out Into the yard, and placed sticks of wood at intervals all around it, after which he handed the boy an axe, and told him to play the full course.—Chicago Post. A NEEDY NEGRO. Some time ago a relief committee was organised in a Southern city to care for a large number of coloured people who were in need. An old negro who had formerly been employed by a member of the committee saw a great opportunity confront- ing him, and sought to take advantage of it by writing this letter to his friend: "Marse Bill- Deer Fren: I is tol' dat dey gwine 'roun' striblitin goods ter de po'. Marse Bill, you well knows dat I de po'es' cullerd pusson dis side er Freedom. So fur, so good. Now, I wants you ter use you 'fluence ter git me some what dey Btriblitin'. I wants one bar'l seif-risin' flour; two hams, an' a side er meat; cue barli er pearl grits (get de right bran', Marse Bill) two gallons er maple surrup; one sucker salt; six poun's er coffee; a dollar's wuth er sugar, en, Marse Bill-ef it don't go 'gin dey conscience- erbout a quart er co'n licker, so's de ol' man kin git his dram A KANCHMAN'S DISGUST. I never take the paper now, just quit it in disgust, An' so swelled up with righteous rage I honest thought I'd bust! I writ the editor to st"p a-sendin' it, or I Would grab a hefty club an' call to know the reason why! Fur nearly twenty years I've took the J«y villi- Sarpent's Tooth, An' helt it next the Bible fur a tellin' gospel truth, But now 1?11 never let my eyes rest on the thing agin, Fur givin' it encouragement'd be a mortal sin I sot with eyes a-bulgin' out a-rendin' of a band 0' men in tropic jungles facin' death on evrrv hand, Whar' sarpents was a hissin' 'round, an' lions laid in wait To leave their bones a-gleamin' in a ghattly naked state! An' how they fought with cannibals that hankered fur their meat, Regardin' it a luxury almighty hard to beat, They had the thrillin' story end with information that They was a-huntin' roots fur Dr. Skinny's Anti- Fat. I read one orful story of a gay an' gallant knight That battled with a dragon m a rough-an'-tumble fight, The picter o' the monster with its baker's dozen heads Enough to skeer the sleepers of the graveyards from their beds. I felt like yellin' "Glory!" when the gallant feller stood One foot upon the monster an' his spear all splashed with blood. An' then I larnt the dragon was the fever an' the chills, The knight ol' Dr. Knockem's Pink Complected Quinine Pills. Once I sot my wife to cryin' till I thought her heart would break, An' got my own eyes leakin', an' my lips begun to shake, Readin' 'bout a lovely maiden tellin' all the folks good-bye, An' sayin' she must leave 'em fur a mansion in the sky. Then a angel neighbour woman come a-runnin' in an' told Of a heavenly decoction that was wuth its weight in gold, An' the gal was soon as chipper as a jaybird on the wing, An' was singin' grateful praises of Duflicker's Liver King. But the one that capped the climax was a sermon that I read From a famous Eastern prescher, at the close of which he said He was gein' to quit discourain' of the glories up on high, Fur there now was no occasion fur his followers to die. If they'd foller the direction of 0'Whacker'a Anti-Death They would never quit a livin' from a scarcity of breath; Then I tore the sheet in fragments an' I stomped it on the floor, An' my wife hain't yit recovered from the awful way I swore! -Denvei- Evening Post. VERY RICH.! A coolness, growing out < f the Following con- versation, has sprung up between Jones and Smith. e "I had a'splendid time last night," said Jones. I spent the evening at a little social gathering at the Goodman mansion." "Are the Goodmans nice people?" queried Smith. "Well, I should say so. They are very aristo- cratic. To get into their circle one must have either a great deal of money or a great deal of genius. "You don't tell me so And you say you were there ?" "Yes." "You were invited, were you?" "Of course." "And to be invited a man has to have plenty Of money or a great deal of genius ? "Precisely." "Well, Jones, I am very glad to hear you have become rich all of a fU iden. Lend me five dollars! SWEET LIBERTY. "I'm goin' fast, Amos," said old Mis' Walker in a voice that plainly intimated she was stab- bing him as much as lay in her power. Amos held his grey head in his hands, but said nothing. She had always been the spokesman, and experience had taught him that silence was the best course. "You'll be marryin' again when I'm gone, Amos," continued the wife of his bosom. Still there was no word from Amos. "I say you'll marry again," repeated Mis' Walker m sharp reminder. "I don't guess I will," objected the pros- pectively bereaved husband. "Oh, yes, you will," responded she with acrimonious conviction from which there was no appeal. In a tone of demurring he pleaded humbly: "I don't exactly feel like it just now, Sarah." MUNICIPAL OWNERSHIP IN CRIMSON GULCH. "I suppose you are not troubled with questions Of municipal ownership and the like," said the Stranger in Crimson Gulch. "Yes," answered Derringer Dan, with a glance 9 Of suspicion sometimes we do. Once in a while some tenderfoot comes along and thinks he owns the town, but he gets over it in a minute or two. Washington Star. HE BELIEVED IN PROTECTION. A coloured man was arraigned before a magis- trate charged with carrying deadly weapons. A razor was found in the defendant's p eket, and so, when he was brought to the bar of justice, the case against him seemed pretty strong. To the surprise of the judge and every- one ellle- in the court-room he pleaded "not guilty." "How can you account for the razor being found in your possession ?" The defendant grinned and said: "I'll try an' 'splain dat, jedge." "I'd like to hear you," said the judge. "Did anyone threaten your life, "No, san dey .arn't nobody t'reat'nin' mah life, sah." "Then why did you carry it?" "I done toted hit roun', sah, fur purtecshun, sah." For protec- tion, eh ? Why, you just admitted that your life was in no danger "Yo; doan' un'erstan' me, jedge; I'll try and 'lucio'ate tings, sah. Down ter de house whar l'se a-boardin sah, dey is a powahful 40t of low-down coons, w'at jes' wouldn't stop at takin' tings w'at do. n' b'lon'g ter dem, so I jes' put hit in mah pocket far jwrteciittw, Hb—purteefbun ob 4 mah,

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