Symud i'r prif gynnwys
Cuddio Rhestr Erthyglau

5 erthygl ar y dudalen hon

WISE AND OTHERWISE. .'it?

Newyddion
Dyfynnu
Rhannu

WISE AND OTHERWISE. .'it? NAMING THE BABY. A certain punster in Cincinnati, interested in the street car lines of the city, recently received an addi- tion to 11.15 family, and a friend met him two or three days afterwards. llell.i. waa the greeting; "stranger at your hen", I hear." ""Yep," wastheriply. "Bey or girl?" I'm right sorry, too, for I wanted a boy so I could call him Olear." Don't let that disturb yon." remarked the other wretch, "just call her Car line. —Merchant Traveler. AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS BOX. Mints: "Hello.. Winks What's yonr hurry!" "Winks (breathlessly): "I'm going to bay a Christ- mas present for my wife." Mmks; But why are you running so ? I'm afraid they will all be ne. Just saw them advertised rare bargains afraid Fll be too late." Ah, I see; a jeweller's sale, I suppose ?" "Oh, no." Fur store auction, perhaps ? M No it's a house-furnishing store." Why, what has it got ? "Big bargains in washtubs. Our old one's worn out."—Philadelphia Call. THE REASON. "Look here, J: said a judge to a juryman, I do not desire to wound your feelings, but why don't you put on a clean shirt ?" "Because my wife baa been very busy for several days, and I have had no one to sew on buttons." Hasn't your wife had time to sew on a button "No, sir." What's the matter, children sick ?" No, sir, children somewhat dirty, but in good health." What is your wife doing that keeps her so con- stantly employed?" Well, you see, several days ago, our minister same around and said that by such a time he had to have 200 pairs of breeches to send to the heathens,and my wife—good soul that she is-has been busy eVpr Since. Just wait, judge, till she gets through, and then I'll come around and dazzle this court with I he whitest shirt you ever seed." HE DIDN'T RETALIATE AT ALL. "Well, sir," said the judge to a man who was tweoght before him on the charge of assault and bat- to»ry, you say this man struck you ? Yes, air; he did." "Didn't you retaliate V *'Ho, sir; I wouldn't do such a mean thing as that. •.What did you do, then ?" • WeiL I iust gave him the awfnllest lickin' he nr IO —New York Journal. The eoral insect is a great reef-former. Forced pefiteaem,—Bowing to necessity. 1 Capital houses.—Banking establishments. Men who hate long sentences-Criminal.. An unsatisfactory meal.—A domestic broil. Soled again," remarked the cobbler.aa he repaired aa old pair of boots. "Takeaway woman,* asks a writer, "and what would follow! We would. If a dog knows a good thing when he sees it, will be seize it when he nose it! A young man's affections are not always wrong, -but. they are generally miss-placed. Jenks, who last year married a 1 lively vixen, be- lieves that "a thing of beauty is a jaw for ever." It is a curioui coincidence that a woman who has a temper of her own is Seldom willing to keep it. A henpecked husband declared that the longer he lived with his wife the more he was am tten by her. An interrupted orator asked indignantly, "Who brayed there!" It was an echo," rep.ied the dis- turber. Sa.id he, "Matilda, you are my dearest Guck." Said she, "Augustus, you are trying to stuff me." She was too sage for him. Traveller What building is that, my friend ? PoHte n itive Upon my conscience, I don't know,. sor; as bi<? an ignoramus as yourself." In "n me chsrohes the seats on the right are devoted exclusively to ladien, and those on the left to gen- tlemen. The latter is called the aisle of man." A i Jiilusupher asserts that the reason why ladies tPeth decay sooner than gentlemen's is because of the fric ion of the tongue and the sweetness of the lips. I was thinking you would be successful in the art siaii w li business-" "What makes you think O i, nothing, only you understand boring so thur .uglily." aif suspected of ro' bmg our safe, said the aenh r tiwnuer of the firm to a trusted em. loui. Hiere's nothing in it, sir, I assure you." "No, that's what we discovered this moining." l'I i;e*w»r ww such a woman in all my life," said • B*ss "y u are uever satisfied with anything." People who knew the man I took for a husband," ret hert M■ B., "think on the contrary, that lam very easily satisfied." In s .eal.'i of the girl to whom he was engaged he re erred to her as his "tinancee." "You mean your tiancoe, I Kness. It is pronounced fee-on^-say." I don't c",r how it is pronounced. This girl is my financte. She's worth £10,000." A nic, pious young man, who tried to steal a kiss from a Washington beile, got his nose so covered with red paint that his pastor subsequently stopped him in the street and discoursed to him for ten minutes on the evils of strong drink. A druggist received an order from a firm, the other day, for a ton of snuff. It seems that the wife of a prominent citizen sneezed so hard t h*t she dislocated her jaw, and now there is a run of married men on that drug store where she got the snuff. A waggish fcpeculat r, one of a numerous family in the world, recently saiu "Five years ago I waa not worth a penny in the world; now see where I am, through my own exertions II ,V dl, where are you ?' Why, a thousand pounds in debt A young lady and her father were looking at a drug- gist who was very nicely balancing the d ncate little lloale. on which the prescription was being weighed. How precise how fine how little said the girl. "Yes," said the father; but he will not do so with the bill." It is the custom among a certain caste of Hindoos, to cut off at the first imnt the third and fourth tin ((era •f a woman xbout to matry. This very much leeseus the hairpulling power of the Hindoo woman and readers her grasp upon the handle of a broomstick exceedingly uncertain. Doctor," said a wealthy patient to his physician, I want you to be thorough and strike at the rooc the. diseaBe." "Well, I will," said the doctor, his cane and brought it down hard enough to break into pieces a bottle and a fflass that stood t Opun a sideboard. It was his last professional visit to that house. Otrthe gravestone" of a John Carnegie, who was vary proud of his descent is the fdlowmf: Johunie C&rBegie lais here ceDdit of Adam and Eve, Gif ony can Rang heiher i■ I'se willing gie h m leave. Railway K9taurant Irteper: 81Y, Mike, what is 4ft matter with this knite?" Mike: Wh t kuife, » ?* This carving knife, I made It as sbup as a Saxor this morning, and now it is as a hoe and tlelebed op like a saw. Whv, it is ruined. Who has had it?" sor. one of the customers grabbed it cut a sandwich in two." Dr. C was called to see his colleague, Dr. 8- Dr. C (.rescrib^Kl for his |>at;est and le t the bouse. Tue next; morning Dr. < called again, and enquired i>h»nd!y nf Mrs B-: baa oar pati. nt followed iny |ir»-scrip-i-n. ? 1: would have landed on the pavement it he im- plied the lady, "for he tioew the whole box oi lipis ont of the window." A prominent physician one If a chi'd does BOt thrive on fresh milk, h il t." Boiied c uldre i •ay suit this doctor's taste, but will nevei become popular on the tables of the wealthy. Lives -f grocery men rennind 11 Tney can make then starch fx-1 f lime, with sugair wholly blind us, Putting sand in ali the time. An erroneous phrenologist nee told me that 1 would shine as a Revivalist, and said that I oUKht to ma.rryatall bioude Wteb a nmvou Siingu naiy temperament. Then he MI d~, dollar, pleas and I said, All n ht, gentie s-ieiitist with a tawny mane, I will give you the J. ilar and mar y tht tnll blonde with a bjnk account and bino temperament when you give nit a ch irt siiew nr: me how t > di~ osa of a brovin-e^td bttm-He with a uiouxhtful cast of countenance, who uiariied me in an uii^utni d moment two ycai s m^o. He looked at me in a p- proachfai kni t of way,.struck at me with r-ha r in ui absent-minded m inner, and "tole away. — Hi iVve. "Yes," sighed Amelia, "b f re m:«rr;a^e Ueorge professed h ms If wd.irll.( to lile III", mil lie won't even get his ii e insured in my favou HI i ti.e poor girl bnrst into a fa-hionable flood o ,ear. A policeman discovered a man helplessly drunk, in the mid.lie of (I,ar!, fast as.<-«p, an I, ;fter ad- ■linisteriug ral kicks, m mag- d to r')" h.m, i-e- "if > on titep Here be r-ln ove "tl .ite right, old fe shtand here ault shtop the .raftiw!lst tiie reply. ) "Il piay much nowadays, Miss Smith? asked ainnttur of VVagnerian tantes, as they seated i ho 11. v, IS atter a waltz. OJ) iy ocoasionaliy," she repii u, "l getting qu'te out of practice." "But I \1"cS is nig your house last evening," he went on, "and ,t./I t: ai ^he gate for a moment to hear you play. d oi getting out of practice, you are improving — i. improvement IS possible. Llisc a-ked. "Yes, about 0 o'c'ock." (lU are mis aken. I was at the opera last evei.iug. It wan the mau tuning the piano you heaid."

[No title]

Advertising

Visitors'List.I

Advertising