Symud i'r prif gynnwys
Cuddio Rhestr Erthyglau

14 erthygl ar y dudalen hon

--.-ce. V ARIETI ES.


-ce. V ARIETI ES. What roof covers the most noisy tenant ? The roof of the mouth. When is a sermon like a round shot? When it comes from a canon's mouth. SOMETHING VERY Lil, ELY.-Tli-,tt the flowersof speech spring from the root of the tongue. An American aptly described a gentleman's park as Nature with her hair combed." A Boy's IDEA OF PULLING A TOOTH.—The doctor hitched on to me, nulle I his best, and just before he killed me the tooth came out. Never set yourself up for a musician just because you have got a drum in your ear nor believe you are cut out for a school teacher merely because you have pupil in your eye. PERFECTION OF GREAT AliNDs.-Fortitude in adver- sity, and moderation in prosperity, eloquence in the senate, and courage in the field, great glory in re- nown, and labour in study, are the natural perfection of great minds. THE Two ROADS. Dar are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, two roads tro dis world, De one am a broad and narrow road, dat leads to per- dition, and de oder am a narrow and broad road dat leads to sure destruction, If dat am de case," said a sable hearer, dis cullered individual takes to le wood." MISTAKEN IDENTITY.—Old Mary descries an ac- quaintance on the opposite side of the street, she shouts across, and on attracting attention telegraphs with her umbrella for her friend to wait. Waddling across, after a quite critical look, she observes "Ye thout it was me, and aw thout it was ye, and, gosh, cab, it's nowther." EACH HAS His OWN PLEASURES.Tis a wrong way to proportion other men's pleasures to ourselves, 'tis like a child's using a little bird (oh, poor bird! thou shalt sleep with me), so lays it in his bosom, and stifles it with his hot breath; the bird had rather be in the cold air, and yet, too, 'tis the most pleasing flattery, to like what other men like. THE Two GHOSTS.-Sir Walter Scott, used to tell with much zest a story of a man who tried to frighten his friend by encountering him at midnight in a lonely spot which was supposed to be the resort of a ghosily visitant. He took his seat on the haunted stone, wrapped up in a long white sheet. Presently, to his horror, the real ghost appeared, and sat down beside him, with the ominous ejaculation, ''You are a ghost, and I am a ghost; let us come closer and closer together." And so closer and closer the ghost pressed, till the sham ghost, overcome with terror, fainted away. At a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a friend as fierce of the cause of Wm. the Third, were arguing noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist clown heavily upon the table, and roared at his adversary, "I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be outmast. ered by mere lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite, "And I sir, spit upon your James the Second Jerrold, who had been listening to the up- roar in silence, hereupon rung the bell, and shouted, "Waiter, spittoons for two! COUNT D'OKSAY'S COAT.-The name of DrOrsay was attached by tailors to any kind of raiment, till Yes- tris tried to turn the Count into ridicule. Applica- tion was made to his tailor for a coat made exactly after the Count's pattern. The man sent notice of it to his patron,, asking whether he should supply the order, and the answer being in the affirmative, the garment was made and sent home. No doubt D'Orsay imagined that some enthusiastic admirer had in this way sought to testify his appreciation, but on going to the Olympic Theatre to witness anew piece, he-had the gratification of seeing his coat worn by Liston as a burlesque of himself.—Hon. Grardley Te)-ke'ey's Life A collection of errors of the press of the malignant type would be amongst the curiosities of literature. Bayle records several curious specimens. In the loyal Courier of former, days it appears that his Majesty George IV. had a fit of the gout at Brighton. We have seen advertised a sermon, by a celebrated divine, on the Immorality of the Soul, and also the Lies of the' Poets. Lies is indeed more dangerous, a single letter more or less making a lie. Glory, too, is liable to the same mischance, the dropping of the- liquid making it all gory. What is treason, asked a wag, but, reason to a t ? which t an accident of the press may displace with the most awkward effect. Imagine an historical character impeached for reasonable practices. NEWS FOR THE NURSERY.—We are informed that an enterprising American publisher is about to bring out a volume of nursery literature,, in which the stories and rhymes of the exploded old country' will be adapted to the tastes and understandings of young America. To-illustrate this we shall venture on a version in prose of Humpty Dumpty. "Hump- ty Dumpty sot hisself on a tall rail. Humpty Dump- ty dropt off his perch—ker-squash. And all the equi- pages, and all the livered menials of an effete monar- chical system was just a one-hoss affair as regar led the sottin' of that unfort'net cuss on that evcrListin' rail agin Moral :-The skreekin bird of Freedom what roosts on the zenith, with his head tied up in the star-spangled banner, rather kalklates that monar- chy is played out—some !"—Fan. "Never," said Theodore Hook, "let a man andhia wife play together at whist. There are always tele- graphs and if they fancy their looks are watched, they can always communicate by words. I found out that I could never win of Smigsmag and his wife.. I mentioned this one day, and was answered I No, you never can win of them.'—Why ? said 1. 'Because,' said my friend, they have established a code. Dear me said I,, signals by looks?'—' No/ said he, "by words. If Mrs. Smigsmag is to lead, Smig- smag says Dear, you begin." Dear begins with. "d," so does diamonds, and out comes one from the lady. If he has to lead, and she says, S., my love," she wants a spade. Harriett, my dear, how long you are sorting your cards." Mrs. Smigsmag stumps down a heart, and a gentle Come) my love," on either side, produces a club.' Of all the queer stories about morbid scrupulosity-the queerest is told of a certain Spanish abbess and one of her nuns, when proceeding on a journey which it was a matter of life and death to complete with the utmost speed. The man who drove the mules of their carriage was urging his beasts to speed with the usual profuse oaths and blasphemies which are in vogue with Spanish muleteers in general, and the pious ears of the two nuns were so shocked at what they heard that they insisted upon the man's abstaining from the offensive words. The mules, not hearing the accus- tomed objurgations, speedily slackened in their pace, and the driver informed the ladies that nothing but strongswearmg would make them move quickly. The nuns were at their wits' encl. Every half-hour was most precious but, upon the other hand, their con- sciences revolted at the idea of authorising such blas- phemies as they had been hearing. At length a happy thought struck one of them. The most odiously profane phrase is, of course made up of words which, I ta.ien singly may be of a perfectly innocent description. They, therefore, agreed to divide the muleteer s curs. ings into their component parts, and so, by assigning one word to the abbess, another to the sister, and a third to-the muleteer, and pronouncing their series in their proper order, the complete anathemas were made to reach the ears of the mules, while not one of the speakers could be considered guilty of uttering any- thing wrong. A GOOD STORY.—Of Peter Drummond, "minister's man" to a Rev. Mr. Gillies, the former incumbent of St. Monance parish, is told the following droll story: "At one time, when the coals in the manse were getting scarce, Peter had a horse yoked early in the morning, and was ready to drive off to the coal hill, when the minister came down to see that all was right-an interference which Peter who hadlongbeen his faithful servant, did not like, for he thought that he might have been trusted to go unheeded on a work of this kind, besides, the minister always threw in some "off put," and so it happened in the present instance. When the cart was just about starting, Mr. Gillies asked Peter if he had said his prayers. Deed, no sir,' answered Peter, remarkably honestly, vl had nae time, and was just, gaun to say them on the road.'—'Hout, tout,' said the minister. 'Go into the stable and say them before you go, and that will make it sure work.'—'Weel, then, said Pe er, very dryly, 'will you be so good as to haurl me the horse, an' then I'll gang in-bye an' pray.' The morning, which had been dull and showery, was still fair when Peter went into the stable, but he had not been there many minutes when the rain began to fall in torrents. Peter was in no hurry he seated himself on a sack of straw, from which he was eying the minister from a bole-window, and was loth to go out in the rain. Mr. Gillies at last lost patience, for be was nearly drenched to the skin, and cried out, Peter, are you no through yet ?'—'Very nearly sir,' answered Peter, 'but I hae twa or three sins to confess stili, which, perhaps, I may-do on the road. -Ay, jnst^o,' said the minister, who was glad to get riu ofjiis charge on any terms, and Peter got his own way."

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