Papurau Newydd Cymru

Chwiliwch 15 miliwn o erthyglau papurau newydd Cymru

Cuddio Rhestr Erthyglau

23 erthygl ar y dudalen hon

f-010 YARDS OF TRENCH STORMED…

RESTRICTING WAR MATERIALS.…

TWICE WOUNDED AT 16.I

CONSTABLE AND ANZAC. -I

J.P.'s DEATH IN A TRAIN.I

BRITAIN'S LIABILITIES.-I

A BOY FIREMAN.-I

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VILLAGE STRONGHOLDS AND OVER…

iGUNPOWDER. I

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I OTHER MEN'S MINDS.

AIR RAID ON CAIRO.I

JUMPED IN FRONT OF TRAIN.…

ENGINEER ACQUITTED.I

GALLANT SOLDIERS.I

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[ IN LIGHTER VEINI

Newyddion
Dyfynnu
Rhannu

[ IN LIGHTER VEIN BY I THOMAS JAY. I ILLUSTRATED BY J. H. LUNN. "Course you know there:,s a bit of a war going on," said a blithe and happy soldier, whose series of double chins rested on his tunic. "Yes," I said, "I have read about it in the Stop Press news." "Some fellows are lucky," said Nobby, "and get settled down in a nice front line trench. I've had some of that, and just when I was about to marry and settle down we were hustled down to Wipers. Then I got fixed up at a remount camp." Some fellows babble about a remount camp as if they knew one to speak to. But it isn't all honey in a camp of this kind. Of course, you don't have to know anything about horses. In order to make things more complicated, they have introduced mules. And if you happen to join a remount camp, don't you know any. thing about mules. If you do, leave your guilty secret with the sentry at the gate. Mules are useful bits of furniture. They fill the camp with loving phrases and the hospital with awful faoe& There are two setB of men in the British Army, those who are in hospital and those who are not stationed in a remount camp. I have put up with a lot of things in the Army, tuut the mule is the last word. I don't mind a bit of sandbag in my tea—accidents will happen—and I don't mind having a neat hole drilled in my body with a piece of raw shrapnel, but to jump into the crater of Mount Etna is sheer cowardioe compared with attending to a mule. Mind you, the mule is all right in its place—but it is never there. The mule has fo ir hoofs beautifully unholstered with bits of iron. These hoofs are supposed to rest on the ground, but are more often found imbedded in a soldier's fifth rib. The mule is a peculiar beast, which does everything the horse leaves undone. There are men who will tell you that they like mules, and they ought to be pilt in some home. They've got rats in the belfry, dotty on the crumpet, and must have fallen on their heads when they were young. Then there is harnes- sing a mule. You can put a bit on a horse for the Derby, but you can't put a bit in the mouth of a mule. As soon as you get near him he starts laugh- ing at you. What the mule wanta is a mouth-wash to take the taste of soldier out of his mouth. The only way to get 'him to open his mouth is to tell ON THE CRUMPET. I him funny stories sit down, and wait for him to yawn, and then push the bit in his mouth, when he will raise his left off hoof—and the next thing you remember is the nurse saying, "Sit up and drink this." But what a war-! I am feeling sorry for London, because she has been ordered to keep her lights lower. We talk of the Dark Ages as ,:f we knew them to speak to, but if there is any- thing more dark than the Strand at mid- night, then lead me to it, and let me cut my way through with a penkife. I should like to make a few sgggestions, the first of which is that the number of coroners be in- creased in order to cope with the additional business; then, I think, there should be a code among cab-drivers, which would enable us to know in exactly what spot they are going to strike us. It is annoying to be suddenly made aware of the fact that a cab is going to hit you square in the back, and to find out later that it go well home on your head. Goethe, who cried for "more light," would to-day be sent before the magistrate. The charge would be for "failing to re- duce, shade, or obscure the lights, contrary to the Defence of the Realm Act Regula- tions, Vic. 24, O.P. side, Stat. 34, as an ac cessory after the fact," and he would be bound over to pull down the blinds on future occasions without the custody of the children. No sooner does a man wish his wife good-bye than he breaks out into the night only to find himself slap into a mass of darkness so dense that he feels he wants t.) fold it up and take it home for the chil- dren to play with. The nights are so dark now that an obsolete glow-worm would be a veritable saloon- bar in the oasis, to which the traveller could hitch his wagon- though what anybody could do by hitching a wagon I cannot for the life of me under- stand. But it is evident that a little light, duly shaded, should be thrown on the matter, and I will give you a few hints on "Etiquette in the Dark," a volume from my pen which may be expected any day now, if not later. If my advice tends to reduce the appalling number of cases now reported of men who have left their homes and never been heard of since, then, if I do not get a Civil List Pension of ninepence in the pound I shall go down to posterity as The Man Who Didn't. The first thing to remember is to Keep to the Right, a bit of advice Shakespeare might have given had he thought of it. By such a method a man might progress along much better and avoid the continual jostling, which only the other week compelled one friend of mine to turn into a raving lunatic, while another friend turned into the Blue Snapdragon. Of course, there are people who say that there is pre- cious little right left to keep to. The lamp-posts should be painted white, so that a person could step smartly aside and crash into a portly pork-packer of about twenty-seven stone, who will inquire quite nicely "Who the Marble Arch are you running into?" which gives you the oppor- tunity of throwing off the old bon-mot, "Sorry, I thought it was the Albert Hall." I IN THE DARKNESS. Should you, then, while crossing the street, find the said street sud- denly fold up, and give you a feeling as if a motor 'bus was trying to jump through you, you may set your mind at rest- you are being knocked down by the 'bus. Such a matter needs careful handling. Exercise care. Don't at- tempt to hurl the motor 'bus ruthlessly from you. Don't hurry, and, above all, keep calm. Don't attempt to crawl out from under the 'bus too quickly, or blame the driver, for he will only explain that the 'bus slipped out of his hand. Don't shout, for nature abhors a vacuum, and seeing your mouth open the 'bus might try to jump on you again. I note Mr. Runciman's request that the richer people should forego eating potatoes twice daily and take them once daily only. This is a very excellent plan, and I hope it may be followed. There are many glow- ing incidents taking place to-day of men who are giving up something or another for economy's sake. It would be wrong of me not to point out that in order to study economy Sir George Alexander has already decided to wear only one crease in his trousers, while Mr. Algernon Ashton, iiat gifted man of letters (and postcards), .tI;! in order to conserve the paper supply, decided to cease writing his daily letter to tbe Times," and will now positively ap. pear only twice weekly.

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rBOOKS AND *MAGAZINES.

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