￼ 1. NOTES ON NEWS. NOTES ON NEWS. ¡ ? ￼ ￼ not S? "panicky" in March, i wW, the Cprman o?n?e began and th? I. The Cohinq I-ICTOIIY. t.. outlook was full or peril I for the Allies, neithei I are we likely to lose oui heads in premature re- ) joicing now that the news HCm France is so good. We have had ) into bell-ringing for a victory which turned out to be something very j different after all, and we are not likely to make that mistake again. We shall make sure next time. The war is not won j yet. but we can see it in the process of j being won, day by day and week by week. | It may be a long time before peace comes, s but in case we should feel inclined to pessimism on that account, we may very well contrast our state of mind at this j time with what it was three months ago. j We ongh t to feel better at once. For the iiews is splendid, and it is not too | ninth to say that final and decisive victory J3 only a question of time. Few people nowadays talk about the "impregnable Get man line." Events during these few weeks have shown that it is not impreg- I naole, and before the fighting season comes to an end this year great. things may have happened which for years past We h-ave hardly dared to dream about. If the time for rejoicing has not yet come, j \V(' may at any rate look forward to it j T-itli high hoptfs and full confidence. j One cf the most satisfactory signs of the J times is to be noted in some of the com- < THE Inevitable DEFEAT. ments in the German pnpers, which arc not so ready to accept the ta lei; of withdrawals of the I German Army "accord- ing to plan as they have been in the ) past. 0 One journal, greatly daring, asks questions. It wants.to know why the. German people were told that Fraaice had ] been bled white, that Britain -was sick of i the war and on the point of defeat by j German U-boats, and that the American j Army would never reach Europe; or, if it 1 did. that it would never 1.e able to fight ] against Germans. This is only the hegin ning. There will be many more questions, < and the time is coming when they must II be answered. The Gorman rulers .are watching the storm clouds rising and spreading. They have sown the vind, and I they will be powerless agamst. the whirl- wind. For they can now see, perhaps for the first time, the certainty of decisive defeat on the Western Front. In a series of articles in the "Chronicle," general Maurice has dealt with the ques- tion whether, decisive military victory is possible for the Allies, tiid comes to the conclusion that it is, if flw British, Aimios are adequately supplied with men, and if sufficient shipping is available, for n-n. iging over ihe Americans..Both theso conditions, we may have full confidence, will he fulfilled. A gainst the rising tide «'•' the Americans, who will soon be mil- lions strong, the German hosts cannot possibly hope to stand. Defeat on the West means defeat ■ everywhere. And de- fe,.It-,Clf the West is inevitable. L r It would have been a disaster if the finest harvest known in this country for ABOt.?nrrL ￼ j Eabvest. halfc a century could not I have been garnered j owing to the lack of suffi- cient labour. A few wf»Ks ago tflat aid seem a possibility, but, I f#rtruiately the difficulty has been over- come. Women have worked magnificently, 1 h 'x¥ 0 t;' .n and the War Office found it posaible to re- lease a number of soldiers to help. Added to these, German prisoners to the number of 27,000 have beep set to work, and though the total amount of labour has I. been considerably less than good judges would have estimated to be absolutely, accessary, fanners and labourers alike have done wonders, and it may be lipped that not a grain of corn has been wasted I | that might have been saved. The total | acreage under trope is 10 per cent. 1 j greater than in 1917, and more than at anv time in the last twenty years. The I country has never seen such a large acire- 1 age or wheat, and it is many years since | the crop looked so promising. Potatoes j are also an excellent crop, and have been J increased in quantity 25 per cent. And t the weather has been good, too, enabling i bountiful crops to be safely gathered in • < under the most favourable- conditions. The j country's food production this year should | bo a record. Whilc the corn harvest is one of the .beet record, the fruit harvest is one of the I THE Frvit < SHOETAGK. poorest. The sort lruic I crop was a failure, and it must be many years since our orchards made • utn a poor show of apples. Thousands of ?c'!?c\v:ve.s must be at their wits' end to know what they are going to do in the c()!Iling autnmn and winter without apples. e French crop is in no better case than ^ur own, and will certainly leave no margin for export. In an ordinary year e should have felt the shortage very little, as our deficiency would have been j Jnade up by iinports from Canada and the J United States, where the crop is excel- lent. Some apples will no doubt cross the Atlantic, but the tonnage difficulty is a very serious one. There are no ships to spare for anything but absolutely neces- sary things, and it may be that apple-tart "will be during the coming months an i almost unattainable luxury. Because of I the shortage of apples the Government ar(,, now (,oing to control marrows, in order at as large a supply as possible of this "seful vegetable may go to the jam manu- ^-•turers. Meanwhile, the greater pro- of the population seems to be leisure hours in picking black- rJes, of which there fortunately appears to ea r&markably fine crop. i Tho tu.(: f 1 d Tllc, ""gent necessity for saving coal and s iOUM irive all imnctus to the estab- V k I -?TIQXAL ? J ??rCHE?s. Iishment of national I kitchens. A good number I of these exceedingly I 1 j valuable institutions were ?? art. €? last winter in different parts of i fbo ??T?'?' ??' though the need for t th?m"? been naturaHv less pressmg Huung J** warm weather, it is to be ,boped that plan f?. setting them to work throughout the 0 ntry h?? been thought out, so that it can be put. into operation without loSil of time. The quantity of coal and gas that would be saved bv com- l munal as compared with individual." housb- 1 I hold cooking is- enormous, while the saving 1 In labour and food furnishes another 1 Pwerful argument in favour of national j. 1 Kitohens.
X?- P?Mcnvn atT H?h?te ?Bucoe<'dpd -in I Ja f'lnR ¡'lJd stopping fro- the-driver's ? pla.tform. cf a taamvvay-car Mother ^hicb H?h?? .? ,?? ?s ?-ch?y.road. HighS ?? of the mr was in- j tired ? -?
GALLANT FISHERMEN'S FIGHT II AGAINST ODDS. A successful action which a couple of armed trawlers fought with a submarine is described. There were three trawlers in all, but one was unarmed. They were returning from the fishing LroiLp-clf, recently when a U-boat opened fire at a range of 4,500 yards. The skipper in charge at once instructed the unarmed trawler to keep clear, and the two armed boats were brought round so that their guns could bear upon the German. The odds were all against theso gallant fishermen, for the sub- marine appeared to be very long, and carried three guns. After firing several rounds it came in rapidly, and, swinging broadside on, fired a salvo of shells at the trawlers and with- drew again. Each of the skippers had taken up a position on the top of his wheel-house, from which he directed the gunners' fire, assisted by deck- hands stationed in the rigging of the foremast. The German continued his tactics of swift rushes, and soon the shells were falling all around the trawlers. When the unequal fight: i rs- trawler ivps, ),iit had lasted an hour the first trawler was hit on her starboard side, the shell piercing her bulwarks, deck, boiler casing, and boat. A shell splinter wounded the chief engineer, who was on duty in the engine-room, and another shell burst on the port side, wounding the gun- ner in the leg, breaking the wheel-house win- dows, and penetrating both wheel-houee and funnel. Meanwhile, the skipper of the second trawler was struck on the head by a piece of shrapnel. Although losing blood freely, he did not leave the roof, but, hastily bandaging his wound with some handkerchiefs, continued to direct the gunners. A few minutes later a shell burst within two feet of the taffrail, and. the second gunner* was severely wounded by shrapnel in the leg. After that the second trawler was struck below the water line, close to the rudder, and her after end began to fill. The skipper thought his vessel would cin k, but continued the action. Ag0 ain the submarine poured -another broad- side over the trawlers, but before she could draw off both vessels had replied with a couple of well-directed rounds, which the gunners aro confident hit the enemy. At any rate, the. German broke off the engagement and steamed away. Although out-gunned, the trawlers had fought a highly successful action, and 9II three vessels were able to return in safety to port. The first trawler-fired thirty-six shells, 'and the -,ccond.forty-seve-n, as compared with the su b- marine's 200 rounds. In the words ofthe offi- cial report, "all ratings did their duty as ^British seamen, and said they would fight to .1 the last." 1
f THE' MUSSEL'S HABITS. The natural home of th. mussel is at the bottom of the sea, never in very deep water, and yet deep enough to be nearly always covered at any state of the tide. For pre- ference it likes a bed of sand or smooth fine gravel. To this bed it attaches itself by the I ligature-like growth on the shell known as I' the hyssus, and thus, standing on end with its point to the bottom of the sea, it forms itself in a dense mass so closely packed together that not an inch of the sea floor Li visible. As new ones come they do not ex- tend the ground space occupied, but range thems<;I?cs one on top of another in layer, all ihmty nxed together by a living cord of ?.CoD?uectl,D]Et. In this position they are exposed to. many dangers. A heavy storm may break the Mass to pieces and disperse its con- stituents far and wide. An alteration of the tidal current may sweep a sand l avalanche upbt. them and bring about their end by suffocation. Even if they escape •these dangers, it ie certain that bottom layers will be crushed out of existence.
A It-OMAN BATH. There are not many architectural remains of the Roman occupation of Britain to be met with in a tour of London's streets. Hele and there are portions of the old City wall, but they are fragmentary. Hidden away, however, in Strand Lane-a small turning out of the Strand opposite the church of,St., Mary-le-Strand (south side)-is. a small Roman, bath, now belonging to a. well- known Oxford Street draper, who allows the public to visit it. The bath, which is housed, is about 13ft. long, 6ft. wide, a 5ft. deep, and is built of small Roman bricks and slabs of white. marble, which latter were removed from a bath, on the other side of Strand Lane, built by the Eail I ox" E^sex in Queen Elizabeth's time, and demolished in 1893. The water supplv coiiips from a natural spring, probably the old Holy Well, on the noith side of the Strand. The well was commemorated by Holywell Street, a byway now swept out of existence along with the other interesting, purlieus in the immediate neighbourhood, owing to some of those alterations which are continu- ally changing the ,face of London and rob- bing it cf many of its historical associa- tions.
PAINTER'S FATAL FALL. Attempting to descend a fifty-rung ladder vith a paint-pot in each hand, a discharged soldier named John, Salford, working at a h'ouse in Crouch-hill, slipped and fell into the area. His skull was fractured, and he died shortly afterwards. His father w a working on the basement window when his son fell.
BOY SCOUTS FINED. Nine Boy Soouts from Kettering were ordered by the Welling-borough maglstrate9 I to pay fifteen guineas for damaging a hvu.w and stables belonging to Lord Vaof Hnnowden, whilst camping out on Bank Holiday. The place had been ransacked from top to bottom. «*>.
OUR NAVAL ANTHEM. j As in the case of "God Save the King," I the real authorship of "Rule, Britannia has never been satisfactorily settled. The > public first became acquaiuted with this national air when it was sung in a popular performance called "The Masque of Alfred," the. music' for which was composed by Dr. Thomas Augustine Arne, a famous English musician, who died in 1778, at sixty-eight years of age. Arne, who was a brother l of Mrs. Cibber, the famous actress, set Rule, Britannia! to music, but as the masque was written jointly by Thomson and David Mallet, the real authorship of the words ha3 always been disputed.
Lincolnshire farmers estimate their wheal crop is 10 per cent, above the average. BIyth school teachers, backed by the National Union, have rejected the new. walaries scale as inadequate. "Every printer who is sent out of the trade is a direct loss to the Government," declared a master printer at St. Pancrae Tribunal. Second Lieutenant If. B. Barton, son oi the Mavor of Finsbury, has died of wounds A profit of zCll,220 is ehown this year <m the Croydon Corporation Tramways. An Italian summoned at Actqn took w.itb him a boy of ten who acted a the inter- preter.
￼ I PERONNE TAKEN. I ? PERONNE TAKEN. I BRILLIANT SUCCESS OF AUSTRALIAN TROOPS. I' l I ;1 KEMMEL II ILL RE-WON. I The following reports, from Sir Douglas' Haig have been issued by Jhe War Office: Saturday, 10.40 a.m. During the night Australian troops drove the enemy from positions held by him east of Clery, capturing many prisoners and a number of machine-guns. Our advance ia this locality is continuing. Yesterday afternoon English troops car- ried out a successful operation north of the Arras-Cambrai road, capturing an impor- tant strong point known as St. Servins Farm and the village of Eterpingy, on the east bank of the Sensee River. On the Lys front our troops hold Lacou- ture and the line of the Lawe River from Vieille Chapelle to Lestrcm, both of whica villages are in our hands. We are approaching Douneu, and have gained Ballieul station and hill to the east of it, known as the Mont de LilIe. Our troops have entered Dranoutre, and have gained ground north of Keunnel Hill. I MONT ST. QUENTIN CARRIED. I Saturday, 8.52 p.m. By a daring and brilliantly executed night operation, carried out with great dash and enterprise, Australian troops have seized the hill and village of Mont St. Quentiu, north of Peronne, thereby gaining possession of an important tactical feature commanding Peronne and the angle of the Somine River. In the same operation the village of Feuil- Jallcourt was captured, and over 1,500 pri- soners were -taken lyv our troops. Our own casualties were exceptionally light. This morning English troops attacked en the 'left of the Australians with complete success, and captured Marrieres Wood and the high ground to the east and north ()f it, together with a considerable number of pri- feoncrs. During the day hostile counter-attacks launched against the Australian and English troops were in each case successfully re- pulssd. Attacks delivered early-this morning by strong hostile force's astride the Bapaunte- Cambrai road were driven off with heavy •Joss. In this neighbourhood English troops completed the capture of Rien-les-Bapaujoe, talcir. a number of prisoners and a few guns. Prisoners have been taken by us also, and cur positions have been improved slightly at certain points between Vaulx-Yraucourt and Bullecourt. In this' sector strong hostre counter-attacks once more led to hard fight- ing, and the situation has not changed ma- terially. Further north, Canadian troops carried out a successful local operation immediate y soutn of the Arras-Cambrai road, inflicting many casualties on the enemy and capturiug fifteen machine-guns. Between the Sensee River and the Searpe, English troops have pushed their line for- ward a distance of some 1,500 yards towards the Trinquis River. The increasing demand upon the enemy k reserves, due in the first place to the enor- mous casualties incurred bv him in L.s masked attaclrs dutii)- the earlier part of the year, aRd. eccoiid" lY, to the heavy casual- ties in killed, wounded, and prisoners in- flicted upon his armies by the series of suc- cessful attacks delivered by the Allies since July 1$, has compelled the enemy to wiiu. 4 draw from. tlieLvs Calient, and to yield without a. blow positions of high tactical importance won at great cost. Our troops have regained possession of Keminel Hill. We have reached the general line Voormezeele-Lindenhoek-La Creche- Doulieu, and are approaching Estaires: Our troops are pressing the enemy closely 11 his retirement, anø have taken a number 01 pn- soners I FURTHER ADVANCE. I Sunday, 10.27 a.m. Yesterday evening the enemy repeatedly counter-attacked our new positions at Mont St. Quentin, and was repulsed on each cc- casion after severe fighting, leaving pTisoiit:i.-s in our hands. We have made progress in the direction of Le Traileloy, and during the night cleared I the enemy from the villages of Longatte aud Ecoust-St. Mein, taking 100. prisoners. North of the Arras-Cambrai road over fifty prisoners were captured by us in a success- ful minor operation east of Haucourt. In the Lys sector our advance is continu- ing. Our troops have crossed the Lawc River, and are approaching the La Bassee- Estaires road. I FIERCE FIGHTING. I Sunday, 8.7 p.m. This morning Australia# troops captured Pc-ronne. After beating off the enemy's counter-at- tacks at Mont St. Quentin yesterday even- gin, at 5.30 a.m. this morning the Austra- lians renewed their advance, in conjunction with the English troops on their left. At an early hour the attacking Austialian battalions had stormed the German posi- tions west and north of Peronne,. and, press- ing on while fierce fighting was still taking place among the ruined streets and build- ings, carried the eastern suburbs of the town. Australian troops hold Peronne, Flami- court, and St. Denis, and have made impor- tant progress on the spurs east and north- east of Mont St. Quentin. On the left of the Australians London troops. attacking- south-east of Combles have taken Bouchavesnes and Rancourt, with the high ground overlooking these villages, and have reached the western outskirts of St. Pierre Vaast Wood. In the course of this successful attack, in which stiff opposition was met with and overcome by both English and Australian troops, we captured over 2,ÛOO prisoners and a few guns. I On the remainder of the battle front suc- cessful minor operations have taken place I at a number of points south of theArras- Cambrai road. Our troops have driven the enemy from the high ground at Morval and have captured Beaulencpurt and the. ridge east of Bancourt and Fremincourt, we are pressing the enemy hard in Le Transloy, and have completed thle capture of Bullecourt and Hendicourt-lez-Gagnicourt. Several hundred prisoners have been taken by us in these cuffe-ivnt ()I,e-.ation. A counter-attack launched by the enemy against new positions gained by Canadian troops this morning north o £ Henifeeourt was repulsed. Our patrols have pushed* forward slightly in t-hfa Lena sector. On the Lys front our progress continues. Our troops have reached Donlíeu, Le VerTier, and Steenwrck, and are closely vngagod with the enemy about I Neuve Eglise and AVitlveraliem.
With Lord Burnham as chairman and Mr. Guy Ridley, of the Ministry of Labour, as secretary, a committee has been formed to deal with the return of officers to civil life. This year's arrangements for the supply of ,plnni-;puddii|g\ to < British soldiers at Chrismas, .will be the same as last, year-—- every eoldier to get lb. The public are 3."ked not to send pJum-pudding to troops abroad. '•
HOW BRITISH LOOKED AFTER HOLY CITIES. In a dispatch covering the operations fiom October 1 to March 31 last, Lieutenant- Gencral W. K. Marshall, commanding the Mesopotamia Expeditionary Force. says of the death from cholera, of General IaudiC, whom he succeeded:— "General Maude, whose genius had altered the whole face of affairs in Mesopotamia, was an almost irreparable loss; he had taken over an army whose moral had been severely kied by their failure to effect the relief of Kut, whose health had been sapped by a very trying plimate, and consequently he had a very diffi- cult task to restore its fighting efficiency, but in a few months, by his hard work and great gifts of organisation, clear-sightedness, de- termination, and, above all, by his intense sym- pathy with and love of his soldjers, a very different state of affairs came into being." After describing the operations on the Diala, Tigris, and Euphrates, already. officially re- ported, General Marshall deals with the steps taken to bring the whole of the lower Eu- phrates valley under military and civil control. Care was taken not to establish troops in either of the religious cities of Kerbela. and Nedjef, and they were quartered at a distance. The inhabitants of Nedjef are, for the most part, well-disposed holy people, but there is in addition a proportion of irrecorieilablea in tie town. On January 12 some-of these fired on the troops exercising near the town, causing a few casualties. Not wishing to injure a town which is full of sacred memories for Mahommedans, I de- cided to punish two of the leading shiekhs who were known to be responsible for the offence, and to levy a heavy fine. The sheikhs, however, fled before they could be arrested, and they became outlaws. The fine was paid. 'l After this incident matters seemed to be going on satisfactorily, when, on March 21, fco my great regret, the. political officer In Nedjef, Captain W. M. Marshall, was mur- dered. No reason was given for the act, as this officer was universally liked. I imme- diately ordered a blockade of the town until all those implicated in the murder bad been given up, and surrounded it by a cordon of military posts joined by barbed wire," With regard to the vexed question of sani- tation, General Marshall says: "The sanitary organisation and administration has steadily progressed and the standard of comfort and efficiency of the -hospitals is most satisfactory."
i. "SPLICING THE MAIN BRACE." Jack at eea in winter time is only too glad to "splice the main brace." Most people know the meaning of the expression, IjJte man in the street translates it as "Have a drink?" but few could, say off-hand what the main brace is, or why it should be "spliced" when Jack has a drop of grog. Like most- naval customs this one conic3 from the days when all ships were sailing ships. The main brace was the most im- portant part of a ship's rigging. It was actually the rope which kept the whole of the sails on the main mast taut, and natur- ally if that rope broke it was vitally neces- sary that it should he mended or ".spliced as soon as possible. As a rule, it only snapped during a storm, and the task of "splicing the main brace" was then an ex- trc-niely difficult and dangerous one, to say nothing of it being a bitterly cold job. The sailors who were told off to mend the broken ropa were always given a tot of rum on their return to deck to warm them up .again. Gradually tlrV p;retire of rum. was doled out to the crew alter any particularly ls|i?ardous or fatiguing job. Now that sails have disappeared and there is ro- main -brace to splice, the captain of a ship may Mieue an order on special occasions, that the x<niain brace. be spliced." Hot coffee or tea may be served out in place of rum. —————
FACING FEARFUL ODDS. I I It is a fatal mistake for a commander to j despise the army in front of him, even though its numbers may be much less than his own, as the German general before Liege found to his cost, and as Edward II. learned at BannocWiburn. From classical times to the present day, victory has by no means always gone to the big battalions. Garibaldi and his two thousand or so red shirts made the Kingdom of Italy possible, wjule the British Army has nothing firwr to show than the defence of Rorke's Drift, when eighty men of the 24th, with a few men of other regiments, defeated some 4,000 Zulus, and saved Natal. One of the hardest fought battles of the Franco-Prus- sian War was Worth, where the .French were outnumbered by nearly three to one, but made such a gallant resistance that their losses in killed and wounded were fewer than the Germans. At Agincourt the English were outnumbered by five to one, .while at Crecy they put to flight a force rather more than twice as strong.
WHEN BEKUN HAS BEEN CAPTURED I Berlin has seen foreign troops enter its gates' no fewer than three times in the last two hundred years. The first, time, curiously enough, the conquerors were Austrian troops under General Haddick, who entered Bcrlii) in 1757, when Frederick the Great. was engaged in fighting the French on the R&ine. During their stay the Austrians imposed a fine b of £ 30,000 on the city, as well as commandeering a, huge quutityof provisions and equipment for their troops. It was only just over three years later when both the Russian and Austrian troops, then allies of one another, entered Berlin. This tiiye the city was fined £ 300.000. The time that will be best remembered, howei-or, was the entry of Napoleon into Berlin after the victory of Jena. Napoleon inflicted a very heavy fine on the, Germans, and forced them to feed. his troops.
FISHERMEN'S BIG EARNINGS. I Some light on the earnings of fishermen was disclosed in a case in which a skipper of a fishing boat had been ordered by the Yarmouth magistrates to pay 15s. a week towards the maintenance of his father, an inmate of the workhouse. The man offered to pay 5s., and a relieving officer said he earned from J;800 to .-al,ooo a year. He:-was the owner of. nets, and under the way in -hich the boats are worked the net owners take a share of the boat's earnings. Duping the 14st autumn voyage at Yarmouth, which lasted about ten weeks, the officer said the man earned about xi,oco.
Judge Templer, of the York County-ecur' Circuit, died suddenly at SfcoeLUjii-on^Tees. A witness at an Ipswich, inquest incident ally mentioned that she was working as a bricklayer's labourer. The total acreage under hops in, England this year is 15,666, compared -with 16,846 in 1917, and 31,352. in 1916. Five ftiinutes after the model fabricated, ship was launched, the keel of a 10,000-ton standard ship was laid in the same berth at the WaJlsend yard of Messrs. Snm,' Hun- ter, and Wigham Richairdeon. "What is the S.P.C.K.f"~The Chairman of St. Pancfcas Tribunal.
FUN AND FANCY. "Marriage is a failure," complaiflfed the disappointed husband. "You can't make me believe that," replied the divorce lawyer. She: "Tom, do you remember the night you asked papa. for my hand, how fortunate you w.ere?" He: "Perfectly—he asked me to iend him £10 and I didn't have it." Old Roxleigh: "You marry my daughter? Why, you are supported by your father." Suitor: "Yes, sir, but my guv'nor is tired of supporting me, he says, and I thought I'd •get into another family." A private in one of the camps was asked if he would like to be promoted. "It ail de- pends on what you mean by promotion," he replied. "I don't think I know enough to be a sergeant, but. I know too, much to be. 1 second ■ "I thought you said '^hen "we" began this., case in court," said the lawyer, '"that it the money you were after, but the principle of the thing." "I did say that, but what of it?" "Do vou still feel that way about it?" "Of course I do." "Well, in that event, since we have just won a splendid victory, I'll keep the money the jury awarded you, and you may have the verdict." "Vb.p, Tommy," said the visitor, "how vou .-uggest your father! You have his eyes, (lis nose, and his mouth." "Yes, and that all," replied the little fellow proudly. "I've got a pair of his old pants OL, too." A gentleman on horseback asked a, lad if the pond was deep. "No, sir," answered the lad, but OIl going in, the horse went up to its neck in water. Struggling out, the rider said to the boy, "What made you say this pond wasn't deep?" Boy: "Well, I've seen mother's ducks walk over it." "My dear Miss Lane, do let me help you to some more pudding." "Well, thanks," said the young woman "I will take some more, but only just a mouthful, please." "Hilda," said the hostess to the parlour- maid, "fill Miss Lane's plate." Two pals, both recently wedded, were comparing the merits of their wives. "Ah, ves," said George, who was still very much m love, "my little woman is an angel! She couldn't tell « lie to save her li,fe!" "Lucky bounder said Samuel, sighing. "IVIy wife can ten a lie the minute I get it out of my mouth!" A burlv railway man bearded a local food controller in his den, and was holding forth in a powerful and unoeasing voice about the utter insufficiency of his rations. "My dear man," said the official, "I simply cannot hear invself think. You would talk the hind leg off a donkey." "Talk it off!" replied the irate shunter. "Why, I'd eat it off." "So you have taken to carrying around a monkey? This is going too far!" "Well, you never go anywhere with me," was his wife's somewhat ambiguous retort. Driver: "One of mv hosses is werv queer this morning, sir." Mr. Meek: "Indeed! Which one?" Driver: "The off 'un." Mr. Meek: "The orphan? Ah! perhaps the poor animal is thinking of its parents!" The other day a little lad came into a barber's shop to get his hair cut. During the process the barber left the boy six times to shave othervcustomers. The lad, tired of waiting, asked the barber how much more he had to do. "Only the front," he replied. you'd better be sharp, or else it will be growing at the back again," replied the lad. One-Armed Tramp (at kitchen door) "Please., sir, could you assist a poor man? I was a railway, porter,, and lost my arm on the lice." Man of the House: "Just come in, and shut the door- behind 'you." Tramp obeys. Ifan of the House: "Now, out you go again. You're no railway porter. If you had been, you would have shut the door with a bang that would have broken half the dishes on the kitchen shelves." Sister: "Now be quiet and go to sleep. Wounded Soldier: "I want to see the medical officer. I want to lodge a com- plaint." Sister: "Well, you must wait til) the morning. It's too late now—it's ten o'clock." Soldier: "Ten o'clock! Why, out there we used to carry on the war till half- past eleven or even a quarter to twelve." Mrs. Chinwag was highly elated with the success of the woman's meeting at which she had spoken, and could not help remark- ing on the fact to hubby. "I" was absolutely outspoken in my sentiments at the meeting to-day," she announced. Chinwag gaspeds and looked incredulous. "I can hardly be- lieve it, my dear," he replied. "Who out- spoke you r" A frivolous young man was seated next te a clergyman at dinner. "You speak oi everyone having a mission," he said. "What is yours?" The olergyman replied, "My mis- sion is to save the young." "That's good!" exclaimed the flippant one; "I wish you'd save a nice young woman for me." "I tell you," said the estate agent, "there isn't a finer residence on earth than this. Just look at the wonderful scenery." "The scenery is all right," replied the man who was looking for a home. "The only trouble is there is too much of it between here and the city." Young M'Dude: "What a lot I seem have learnt to-night! How I have benefited by this conversation with you, my dear ili-s Sims. Somehow, your intellect seems to ap- peal to mine. T Are you a literary woman?" Miss Sims: "No; I am a teacher in an in- fant school!" Orderly (wanting to know patient's height to enable him to get his kit, going up to Tommy, who has both feet amputated): "How tall are you?" Tommy: I don't know now. I am two feet short of what I was. My original height was 5ft. lOin. Orderly puts down: "Height, 3ft. lOixu" A squad of old soldiers in the JrfRoyal Fusiliers, conscious that their newlv-ap- pointed sergeant was a new soldier of tne New Army, were prepared to take liberties. "Squad—'shun! Number." One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten" —slight pause—"knave, queen, king." Ser- geant: "Numbers one to ten, stand £ rm- The Blinking Honours will proceed to the guardroom! Left turn! Quick march!" A shoemaker was convicted of having two wives, but when the case came up in court the judge, to everyone's surprise, ruled that the second marriage was legal and that the first was void. The lawyer of the first wife made an eloquent protest—contrary to pre- cedent and all that—but the judge "No; the man was a (shoemaker, and' a shoe- maker must stick to the last."
I "OVER 57.0CO PRISON EES & Eac GUNS. < The British official Issued on Sunday con- tained the following;- f In the month of August. 1918, 57,318 German prisoners, including 1,283 officers, have been captured by British troops in France. In the same period we hsve taken 657 German guns, including over 150 heavy guns. Over 5,750 machine-guns and over 1,000 trer'ch mortars have been counted. Among other captures are three trains asd nine locomotives and numerous complete am- munition and engineer dumps, containing manv hundred thousand rounds of gun and trench-mortar ammunition, as well as small arms ammunition and immense quantities of war material of every description.
[ v I f4AVAL CHANGES. I Admiralty, Saturday. Admiral Sir Frederick E. E. Brock, K.C.X.G., C.B., on the completion of fifty years' service on the Active List of the Royal Navy, is placed on the Retired List at his own request, as from August 25, IfJlS. In order to facilitate the promotion of younger officers. Consequent thereon the following promo- tions are made to date August 25, 1918:- Vice-Admiral Sir Herbert G. King Hall, K.C.B., C.V.O., D.S.O., to be admiral; t Rear-Admiral John B. Eustace, to be vice- ¡ admiral; Captain Charles F. Henderson, to I be rear-admiral; Vice-Admirals (retired), to I be Admirals (retired): Charles H. Dare, C.B., M.Y.O., Edward G. Shortland, C.B.
I LADY WELFARE WORKERS. 1 At the conference of the National Federa- tion. of Women Workers at Manchester, on Saturday, a large number of delegates com- f plained of the lady welfare workers who visited the factories. One speaker said that whenever there was any trouble it could always be traced to this person, who was often appointed because of influence, j Another delegate complained that iR her j factory the lady welfare worker found fault with the clothes that the girls were wear- 1 ing, and had objected to such things as t neckchains and a locket containing the portrait of a soldier sweetheart, but the lady herBelf wore a different brooch each -day.
I" AMIENS SAVED BY TANKS. Colonel Seely, M.P., Deputy Minister of Munitions, addressing a meeting on Satur- day in the East Midlands of workmen en- ,gaged in the manufacture of tanks, said he spoke the literal truth when he declared that he and hundreds of others with whom b had been in action would certainly have bttm dead but for the tanks. Now tanks 1 were being provided in thousands, and would be instrumental in saving thousands of lives. With the tanks available casualties were relatively small. There was no doubt that on a certain day the tanks saved: t Amiens.
1 PARCELS FOR RUSSIA. I The Secretary of the War Office announce | that arrangements have now been made Tor | conveyance, under the same conditions as for other theatres of war, of parcels to the British troops serving in North Russia. Such parcels must weigh not less than 1Mb. and not more than 561b- should be clearly ad- dressed with full regimental particulars of the eoldier to the "North Russian Expedi- iticnary Force," and should be sent to the Military Forwarding Officer, No. 9 Shea, Royal Albert Dock, London, E 16. Special labels are not required.
WHERE TORPEDOES ARE. f The following dialogue took place at • Thames Police-tourt, on Saturday: "I have just come from Manchester, and have been torpedoed." The Magistrate: "There are no 1 torpedoes on the way from Manchester." "But there are off the north of Ireland. I have plenty of money." The Magistrate: "I ibb--n t take any-go away!" | —————- —————
I ASSISTANT COAL CONTROLLER. I I Sir Adam Nimmo, the Scottish colliery owner, has acoepted an invitation from the 5 Government to assist the Coal Controller. 1 The Government, has also invited the Miners' I Federation cf Great Britain to nominate oue- of its members to take up similar service. t
I — rt. orts are being made, particularly in the Midlands and West of Ireland, to fs- tabiish depots, for the manufacture of I bricks. I Four Middlesbrough youths, visiting a. Yorkshire coast town, picked up a hnnd- | | grenade on the sand banks. It exploded and j badly injured them, one having twenty I wounds iu his body. .I' "8.111"" -V';I'Ir. "ro<-
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