Papurau Newydd Cymru
Chwiliwch 15 miliwn o erthyglau papurau newydd Cymru
22 erthygl ar y dudalen hon
L.'————.—— . OUR LONDON LETTER.…
L. ————.—— OUR LONDON LETTER. ffrom Our Special Correspondeni.] I London. The country is still disturbed and indu tries hindered from restarting, whereby em- ployment would be increased, by the uncer- tain labour outlook. Never has the Prime Minister worked harder to find a basis oj agreement between the opposing factions, and even his critics admit that no man could have done better. The publication of the full report of the proceedings at the Downing-street Conference, where the l'rime Minister met the members of the Miners' Executive, was a departure from oRicial procedure which has been generally commended. It has enabled the public tc re id and therefore judge both sides of the The miners have by no means come the losers out of this openness. A great and very hopeful factor in the .situation is that, sci far, no bitterness has been shown on either side. Both parties are aware of the immensity of the issues involved and how easily they may be disastrous to the State, "which, after all, is our mother. For that mother nmiy hundreds of thousands have bat very laid down their lives that no alien hand might hurt her. And shall she now be hurt bv the hands of her own children? God forbid. LvjRD Levefhulme's Poixt. I Lord Leverhuln10 has made a. very tilling point in regard to what the division of canita! or, in the instance which he cited, excess profits, -,voiild mean in practice. He finds that if all the excess profits, of which we read so much, had been lumped together and divided among the workmen each individual's share would have been 4s. But by the various and frequent- ^advances in wages which it has been their good fortune to receive they were benefited to the extent of £ 1 ocr week. In other words, had they shared the employers' pro- fit., they would be 16s. to the bad on every weelv. Tlie calculations by which this result was arrived at must have been complex in the extreme, and Lord Loverlmlme is to be congratulated on having provided us with very interesting and useful information. Going, Going, Gone. I It was suggested in this column last week that the prices of food were wavering. "Between then and now they hnve more than wavered: some have fallen. Others will fall that have not so far come down. All in good time. It is understood that such con- ti-,)l is *s maintained is due in a large measure to the representations of Labour which is convinced that in this wzy, and in this way only, can equality of supplies bs maintained. At present, so far as neces- sar ies ave concerned, the long purse lias no advantage over the small one. Throw off all control a-rd there might again be hoard- Ílw. That there would be a return of the hateful queues is certain in the opinion of the Commissioner of Police, who has written to the Food Minister expressing the tiope that so far as the police are concerned, pome control would still be maintained. The poiicc, at all events, have no desire to see -It revival of the Q. Meantime, we may hope to see shortly a considerably larger output of beer, and that of better quality than the present. "Whisky has been released, to the extent of 50 per cent. in view of the influenza epidemic. Cheese, too, will have come down before these lines are in print, and there will be more of it. German Lie.? Again. I trom time to time during the war the Aearts of neutrals were harrowed by Ger- man tales of the mortality, especially amongst children, which was being caused by the British blockade. Lately this sub- ject has been revived by the Hun with a view to inducing some relaxation of the blockade by which they can obtain—not food, but raw materials, with which to start their factories which are intact, while the unhappy French and Bclgins are en- deavouring to bring order out of ch0e. This chaos, b? it noted, was wrought in direct contravention of the rules of war which safeguard private property. To lend poignancy to the appeal the HUll now de- clarer. thut 800,000 innocent Germans havs perished as the result of the blockade. A Dutch correspondent roundly declares th:3 to be "eyewash." 'I he mortality has cer- tainly been heavy, and vo-st numbers of children have died. But why? Not by reason of blockade, but by the cynical il- humanity. of the German military authori- ties who deliberately monopoji-ed the milk trrpplv in order to extract from it fat for making ammunition wherewith to kill the trDosof the Allies and so carve their way to P.iris and London. They were perfectly frank about it. Comforts, medicines and sustenance were openly withheld from the aged and weak because, it w;io argued, their work done and their present infirmities rendered them of no further use to the Fatherland. When the war went on for a longer soace than had at first been reckoned ou. and the toll of life mounted un, the authorities in Germany resorted to methods of increasing the birthrate which would not bear mention in a reputable newspaper. So much for the latest Hun lie. The Inflt;exza. I J.. J .'Ii .1. The influenza yet scourges us, and appears still to baffle scientists to detect ite origin. It is true we reed some time ago that the germ had been discovered, but since v-c have heard no more of the young ruffian we may, perhaps, conclude that the announcement is pre milt are. The present wave .is not so severe as the one last November, but it is suffi- cients acute seriously to impair one's ordi- nary work-a-day life. There seems to 1* oaiv one rel remedy, namely, to gargle once, or oftener, a day either with salt or permanganate of potash (which must be very weak, ]u.st sufficient to tinge the water) with an added pinch ox salt. The nostrils should a1-0 be douched.' I could name two of the best known London public schools where this procedure has been insisted on, and each has so far escaped without a single case. Pre-Lukt Marslages. I -L!L! _1__1- I netner it oe supersTinon, wnicn Ld amazingly prevalent, or religious faith, which I prefer to think, the objection by brides to marriage in Lent remains as strong as ever, and there was the usual rush of weddings in the week before Lent began. The position in which dresssiakers found t hemselves was not an enviable one. With dress-hands who turned munitioneers during the war still drawing unemployment mone-f, they were fac-ed NVII tll full order t,ook the proceeds of which would give mariv ot them a much-needed summer holi- day—and empty workrooms. The position of the brides was one also meriting- sympathy, for no woman's wardrobe is ever complete. Indeed, as a husband, a father, 'and a drawer of cheques, I have frequently been shocked at the brazen effrontery with which the announcement "r rcallv haven't a rag to wear" is so often made. Dfd I not know better, both by ocular observation of my home and my cheque- book. I should be inclined to say that the poet, when he wrote the following lines need not have limited them to Oceana:— "B,-yor,d a shell, A bangle rare, A feather here, A feather there, The South Pacific ladies wear Their native nothingness." r am told that brides are returning to th-e old-fashioned custom of wearing brocades and embroideries, the effect of which is Raid to be extremely pleasing. Let us hopj they get them.
OTHER MEN'S MINDS.1
OTHER MEN'S MINDS. 1 I cannot help thinking of the iron y of I cannot l'lp o the irony of the hymn "We are not divided, All one body we. "—Bishop of London. AMERICA. AND GERMANY. I concluded three arbitration treaties with the United States, which, however, were all rejected in Berlin.—Count Bernstorff. THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS. The League of Nations constitution is the greatest diplomatic triumph of three cen- turies for Great Britain.—Senator Borah. A DANGER OF DEMOCRACY. I One of the dangers of democracy is an electorate which does not exercise its privi- lege to vote.—Lord Selborne. WHY SHAKESPEARE WROTE. I I have long desired to protest against the tendency to regard Shakespeare as a divinely inspired prophet. Shakespeare wrote for his daily bread. desiring to amass wealth by his plays.—Mr. Frederic Harrisou. STAND ASIDE! If the importers are ready to confer the benefits of cheaper food on us, do not let any Ministry stand in the way.—Mr. Walter Runcimau. THE MAGNET. London will be the magnet attracting air- craft from all over the world, and if they are to drop down anywhere the eiviliaus fate will not be a happy one.—Mr. E. R. Abbott. SURGERIES IN FACTORIES. In every big factory there should be a properly equip[>ed surgery.—Mr. H. G. liuckland. BY-ELECTION THERMOMETER. ] A by-election is a clinical thermometer by which the Premier ascertains the tempera- ture of the bodv politic.—Mr. Peaiberton Billing, M.P. » MORE TRAMPS. I "Corner-boys" are b?gnniiDg to make their appearance again. This year is going to se- an increase in the number of tramps. I —Mr. Mit?r. INSANITARY HOUSES. I Not only the dwellings of the workers, but the houses of a great mass of the middle classes are in a very insanitary condition.— Major T. J. Moss Flower. THE GOOD OLD DAYS. I Those who. like myself, remember the con- d it ions of life of the mill operatives in the late 'fifties, know that the knock-kneed and the bow-legged were the result of feeble- bodied, immature youths being forced to work long, laborious hours in a vitiated atmosphere.—Lord Leverhulme. OUT OF PLACE. I Combativeness is the last quality required I in council.—Lord Hugh Cecil. HEAVIER RESPONSIBILITY. J After the Peace Conference our responsi- I bility of Empire will be heavier.—Lord Wil- lingdou. NO WOMEN PRIESTS. I Thp whole episcopate is determined in its I opposition to a womiin priesthood.-Bishop I ci London. A. RISK TO THE COMMUNITY. There is a real risk that under a co-part- nership scheme the community might be exploited.—Mr. "W. L. Hichens. C3 DISTRICTS. I My experience of the tribunals shows that seven times out of ten one could tell a Loudon man's grade by looking at the dis- trict he came from.—Sir Donald Maclean, M.P. MORAL GUILT. I Guilt for the outbreak of the war is the heaviest moral guilt which has ever fallen on men, but it is not a question of guilt in the legal sense of the word.—Prince Max of Baden. t NOT YET. I The millennium has been promised, but I do not suppose that the golden age of plenty, of doing nothing and as much pay as one wants for doing nothing, has really come.— Sir George Askwith. WAGES AND RENTS. I People should have wages which will 1 euabie them to pay a fair reiit.-Dr. Addi- son, M.P. WAGES NOT ENOUGH. I Good wages will not produce contentment unless the population is suitably housed.- 1 Lord Mayor of Birrrmigham. THE FAMILIAR QUESTION. 1 During the ni-ie vcars in which I spoke regularly in Victoria Park I was asked a hundred times "Who wa3 Cain's wife?"— Bishop of London. CO-OFHRATION WANTED. I If we don't got co-operation between all at homo the pcace is not going to be the peace that we have fought for.—Lieut.-Col. John Brown, D.S.O NO PLATITUDES WANTED. I People who are serious about religion are not content to put up with platitudes or with the usual half-baked address that patGes for a sermon to-day.—Dr. Selbie. A MINOR CASUALTY. I Like the workman with dust in his eyes, a ¡ cut finger, or toothache, the Church 1, at pre- sent cannot perform its function properly, but it is not for that reason going to die.— Archbishop of Canterbury, THE WORKERS' REASON. I In ray judgment one of the reasons WhY strikes are proposed and organised on so large a scale is that the workers may give forceful and dramatic notice to the cQm- munity that no pressure of production will lie allowed to put aside the claims for in- creased wages and shorter Tiours. and for a better and brighter England.—Archbishop of York.
I.ANIMALS AND INFLUENZA.1
I. ANIMALS AND INFLUENZA. 1 There have been many reports of animala attacked wholesale by the influenza plague. In Africa the monkeys were dying of the disease by the hundreds; in the north-west of Canada game animals, the moose for one, were attacked. The New York "Medical Journal makes the following comment: The frightful epidemic that swept the Greek Army in the tenth year of the siege of Troy is believed by many scientists to have been influenza. Homer, describing the ravages of the disease, said: "On mules and dogs th' infection first began, And last the vengeful arrows fix'd them- selves on man." A careful compiled chronology of influenza. beginning with this supposed Greek out- break of the disease, records numerous in- stances wherein both humans and animals seemed to suffer from the same disease. On the other hand, scientists who have experi- mented with the disease declare they have found it impossible to transfer the complaint to any of a long list of animals. Monkeys alone showed a toxic effect, but true in- fluenza did not develop. These sclent ista assert that the disease, that attacks animals is what is commonly known as epizootic, the symptoms of which are very similar to those of the influenza which attacks human beings. A generation or two ago, for instance, America almost suffered a transportation tie-up because of an epidemic of epizootic that attacked the horses.
I HOW THEY SLEEP. ''JI
I HOW THEY SLEEP. J I Europeans and Americans require, as a rule, a soft pillow for a good sleep, while the Japanese stretches himself on his mat and put,, a square wooden block under his head. To the Chinaman his bed is a very important affair. It is low and often adorned with precious carvings, but it never occurs to the Chinaman to make himself more comfortable than can be done by means of pleated mats. While the peoples of northern countries cannot sleep unless they have sufficient space to stretch them- selves at full length, the people of the tropics are often satisfied with a hammock, in which they roll up like monkeys and sleep soundly. The inhabitant of Little Russia likes to sleep on his hot stove, from m-tvich, on awakening half-roasted in the morning he plunges 'into cold water to re- establish his equilibrium. The Lapp crawls into a sack made of reindeer skins, while the Hindu uses an airy and light one for the purpose of protecting himself against the mosquitoes. The Britisher generally uses woollen covers and horsehair mat- tresses. In Germany and France, however, feather bedding is still used.
I ANIMALS 0IN WAR. I
I ANIMALS 0 IN WAR. I Some interesting notes have been, made in regard to the behaviour of various animals under the terrific conditions of noise, vibra- tion, explosion and other disturbances at the front. Thus it seems clear that some kinds of birds, under the dominance of in- stinct-3 of feeding, nesting or brooding, be- have as if they were indifferent to all the turmoil. Living creatures of many kinds are not in the least impressed by sounds which have no interest for them. To ter- rific disturbances, which have neither in- herited nor acquired "meaning," an acutely sensitive organism may remain quite in- different. But another point is raised, says "Nature," by some observations which re- fer to the diverse ways in which sheep and cows react to dummy bom be released from an aeroplane. The cows seem entirely in* different to the "swish" of the falling bomb, .but the sheep "invariably scatter in panic. Have the cows a different—mox« placid—temperament? But how excited they get at times by the buzzing of flies- that Cannot hurt them. The excitement is probably due to fallacious association with the buzzing of blood-sucking flies which can hurt them; and the suggestion is that sheep are panic-stricken because the swish of a falling bomb is not unlike the sound of a bird of prey, say a golden eagle, swooping upon the lambs.
! THE SUN MAGNIFIED. j
THE SUN MAGNIFIED. j Is the sun bigger when on the horizon? It < looks it, but is it? The explanation often | gi ven is this: that during the day, when the sun is high, nothing is near it to com- pare it with in distance, and we think it is small; but when we see it on the horizon with houses and trees and church spires in-' tervening, we believe it to be large. Is this true? It is not. To prove it, look at the moon from behind a lace curtain or from behind a bush. It will appear not a whit larger. The real explanation of the sun apparent dilation is this: The sun is en- larged at stilieet because the air magnifies it. Of course, the air is in a condition tc magnify objects all day. But when the sun stands high we look up through only a thin layer of air, whereas at sundown our eyes have to pierce the entire depth of the at- mosphere—multiplied at least sixteen times. This accounts for the enlargement of the sun. Dust and heated air appear to. be the causes of the magnification. Thus the phe- nomenon is more noticeable in summer and autumn, our dusty seasons.
I SHOOTING THE MOON. I
SHOOTING THE MOON. I The possibility of shooting a projectile to the moon, as imagined by Jules Verne, was brought into renewed consideration by the long-range bombardment of Paris. Major J. Maitland Addison finds that the neces- sary increase of gun-power is quite conceiv. able. A muzzle velocity of a mile per second has been already achieved; and an increase to about seven miles per second would cause the projectiles to pass out into ace beyond the earth's attraction, never to return. A projectile starting at a suit- able angle with a velocity of five miles' per second would continue to travel around the earth as a close satellite, traversing its com- plete orbit between seventeen and eighteen times each day.
IMONEY FROM OLD BOOTS. , j
MONEY FROM OLD BOOTS. j Old boots and shoes that are cast into the dustbin have considerable value. They are soaked in water to remove the dirt, all the nails and threads are picked out and the leather is reduced 'to a thick pulp, from which wall-papers, screens, etc., are made. The finer the original quality of leather the better it takes the bronze and old gold of the designs which make these hangings things of beauty. Bookbinders and frame- makers also know the valiie of this pulp, and carriage-builders press it into sheets which are invaluable for the roofs of the most luxurious vehicles.
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Lewigham's V.C., Private S. F. Godley, 4th Royal Fusiliers, attended a meeting of the borough council au<\ signed the roll of honour. The mayor hanae him fifty ?uinpa? as an instalment of the fund whl6K is being raised' locally. Mrs. McCudden, mother of the famous V.C. airman, received from the Aero Club of America the medal of honour and merit awarded to bor son, who won practically all the honours it is possible for an airman to receive. The American wireless station at Bordeaux has been sold to the French Government for £ 800.000.
+.'~ f HOW THE -KAISER LIVES.
+ f HOW THE KAISER LIVES. Contrasting the ex-Kaiser's mode of living at Amerongen with the wretched conditions generally prevailing among his former sub- jects in Germany, the Volksfreund," of Brunswick, reproduces the daily menu of the Imperial exile. Quoted by the "Ex. press" correspondent at the Hague, it is as follows:— Early breakfast: New rolls, biscuits, cake, and fresh butter, two or three eggs, Dutch cheese, tea or chocolate. Second breakfast: Soup, fish, meat, poultry, sweet omelets, butter and cheese, white wine. Dinner: Soup, fish, roast beef or mutton, poultry or game, vegetables, cakes and pastry, fresh fruit red and white wines, coffee, and liqueur brandy. Poor, poor, half-starved would-be Caesar!" exclaims the "Volksfreund."
I-AIR COURIER -KILLED.-
I AIR COURIER KILLED. An accident to an aeroplane carrying documents to the Peace Conference was de- scribed at Hounslow at ati inquest on the pilot, Lieut. Leslie Arnold Hacklett. The injured passenger, Lieut. Graham, said: "We left Hendon en route for Paris, and ran into some dense clouds and sleet. It was impossible to keep touch with the other aeroplane. The pilot made a signal to me that be was going to return. He circled round for a good landing place. We had planed to 500 feet at 70 miles per hour. the engine being throttled down. When about 100ft. over an orchard the pilot made a sharp left-hand turn. Not having flying speed to keep the bank, the machine nose- dived and crashed into the orchard. "Accidental death" was the verdict.
IEND OF PAPER CONTROL.
I END OF PAPER CONTROL. Sir Albert Stanley, President of the Board of Trade, announced to a deputation of newspaper, periodical, and magazine pro- prietors, headed by Sir George Riddell and Sir Andrew Caird, that paper control would be abolished at the end of April. Mean- while import licences would be increased to 75 per cent, of the pre-war standard. Sir Albert also announced that arrange- ments would be made whereby relief would be granted to consumers of paper in re- spect of the difference between the cost and market prices of the stocks of paper-making materials held by the paper-makers.
I THACKERAY'S DAUGHTER.
THACKERAY'S DAUGHTER. Lady Ritchie, the elder daughter of Wil- liam Makepeace Thackeray, and herself a writer of distinction, has died at Fresh- water, Isle of Wight. Anne Isabella Thackeray was born in 1838. When thirty-nine she married the late Sir Richmond Ritchie, K.C.B., who held a post in the India Office, and for the last two years of his life was Permanent Under-Secretary of State. Lady Ritchie's most popular works were "The Story of Elizabeth," "The Village on the Cliff," and "Old Kensington." She edited an edition of her father's works, published about twenty years ago.
WAR MEMORIALS.
WAR MEMORIALS. The finest war memorial in the world is the Arc de Triomphe, commemorating the Napoleonic wars: It stands on a base 147ft. by 75ft. and is 165ft. high, yet so artistically built is it that it looks fairylike. It is inscribed with the names o 384 generals and ninety-six victories. Trafalgar Square is a war memorial, with its central ornament the Nelson Column. Nelson was killed at Trafalgar in 1805, and it was not till sixty-four years had elapsed that Landseer's four lions completed the memorial. One of the finest memorials in the world is a memorial of peace, and not of war. This is the Statue of Liberty which stands at the entrance to New York Har- bour. Its total height is 305ft., and the height of .the female figure which is holding up the light of liberty is itself 151ft. It is the largest and one of the most impressive statues in the world, and was the gift of France to America.
CAMELS THAT SMOKE. j
CAMELS THAT SMOKE. Soldiers from the East tell curious stones of camels' love for tobacco. Dromedaries and camels are passionately addicted to the weed, and can be made to do almost any- thing under ita influence. The driver car- ries a triangular piece of wood, which is pierced- at one end like a cigar-holder. This is inserted in the beast's mouth, the cigar being then lit and pressed into the hole. The camel immediately closes its eyes and puffs away through his mouth and nostrils till the cigar is entirely consumed. It seems to thoroughly enjoy the experience. Furthermore, the nicotine appears to exer- cise a stimulating and refrmhing effect upon the animal, so that though ready, to all appearance, to drop from fatigue before its smoke, it will plod on for many more miles after it.
WAR -HERO'S -REWARD.
WAR HERO'S REWARD. Judge Shand, sitting at Liverpool Bank- ruptcy Court, granted the immediate dis- charge of Henry Ta.ylor, a fruit merchant, as a mark of appreciation of Taylor's splendid war service. Taylor now gave a military hospital as his address. Taylor was mentioned in despatches for divinCT into the La Bassee Canal and re- covering a cable at a critical period. He was awarded the Royal Humane Medal for diving into the iEgean Sea and rescuing a drowning man. He was invalided home in 1916, but afterwards joined the artillery, and was wounded twice.
NEARLY TWO MILLIONS. i
NEARLY TWO MILLIONS. The total number of officers and men dis- charged or demobilised from the Army since the armistice was signed on November 11 is rapidly approaching two millions. The War Office announces that by noon on Thursday 44,238 officers aud 1,486,351 men had been demobilised, 83,101 men had been discharged as medically unfit, and 144,351 had been discharged from reserve classes.
.. CATTLE FEEDING STUFFS.
CATTLE FEEDING STUFFS. Tho Food Controller announces that he dees not propose to issue any further certi- ifcates for oil cakes and meals after March 15. Farmers and others may purchase sup- plies freely wherever they are available, but whenever supplies are not equal to all the demands purchasers requiring supplies for milch cows will be given a preference.
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The fnneral of Mrs. Wheeldon. who was I concerned in the conspiracy to poison Mr. Lloyd George, took place at Derby, and her son placed a red flag upon the coffin; there was no religious service. Edward Lewis, K mechanic, has been found drowned in three inches of water at Merthyr. It has been decide;! to revive Bath Horse Show, which, after thirty-one years' success- ful history, had to be suspended during the war.
- - -. - -.. - I CLUB WINDOW.
I CLUB WINDOW. King George has a scuttle made from < big German shell. Mr. Will Crooks is a great man in Wool- wich, but his own family do not stand in aw6 of him, judging by the story he tells against himself of an occasion when he took his daughter to the House of Commons. "Well, daddy," she said, as the member foi Woolwich took her through Westminster Hall, "you are a big man in our kitchen, but you ain't much here." When a man walks a mile he takes on an average 2,640 steps. When he rides a bicycli with an average gear he covers a mile with an equivalent of only 627 steps. Mr. J. H. Thomas can tell many a good story of railway life. One of the best con- cerns a certain old lady who journeyed up to London from her home in the country to visit her son in hospital. She had never (says Mr. Thomas) been out of her native village before, and she found the long journey tedious. Also she began to feel very hungry, and having heard that it was possible to obtain tea on an express train, she watched to see if an attendant passed along the corridor. Suddenly a bright idea struck her; of course one should ring for a servant, so, reaching up, she pulled the com- munication cord. There was a screech of brakes and the guard came rushing along. "Who pulled the chain?" he shouted. "I did," answered the old lady. Well, what do you want?" he asked. "A cup of tea and a ham sandwich, if you please," she said. Mr. Bonar Law is the best chess-player in the Commons. Mr. Andrew 'Fisher, the Australian High Commissioner, beg-an life as a pit-boy in a Scottish coal mine. General Plumer is noted for his tact in dealing with Colonial troops. Once, while in South Africa, a particularly tough speci- men, newly sent up from the base, got hold of some liquor, and speedily became mad drunk. Raving and roaring about the camp he presently came upon General Plumer, and, uttering some very ribald abuse, rushed at the General and struck him a heavy blow on the chest before anyone could intervene. It need hardly be said that such an offenoe on active service was punishable by death, but General Plumer merely said to' the on- lookers who rushed up: "Oh, take him away; he's drunk and doesn't know what he's doing." And that was all the notice the General took of the affair. Sir Douglas Haig in peace time never misses attendance at divine worship on Sun- days. He is a Presbyterian. < It was Sir Albert Stanley, President of the Board of Trade, who revolutionised London's iftiderground railways. He was general manager of the Detroit Union Railway, Michigan, a system of 750 miles of electric and steam lines, when he was invited to come to London. Twenty-seven trains an hour were running on the London District Railway when Sir Albert took over the man- agement. Soon forty an hour was the general service, in addition to many devices for the comfort and safety of the passengers. Sir Albert wa-s born in Derby, but weit to America at an early age. Sir David Beatty's naval record is amaz- ing. He was a commander at twenty-seven, a captain at twenty-nine, and rear-admiral at thirty-eight—the youngest on record. Nelson was a year older when he was pro- moted rear-admiral. An amusing story is told concerning Sir Arthur Pinero. It appears that he was on the point of rehearsing a new play, the re- hearsal being timed to begin at eleven o'clock. Looking round at the assembled company he noticed that one lady was ab- sent. "Where is Miss Blank?" asked Sir Arthur, sharply, of his stage manager. "She has permission to come at eleven-thirty," was the reply, "as she is washing her head." "Nonsense," growled Sir Arthur, in pretended anger, as he took off his hat, dis- playing his bald head. "Why, I wash my head every morning, yet I'm never late for rehearsals." Marshal Joffre is not a talkative man. He hates words. Not long after his great vic- tory on the Mame he consented to receive a party of war correspondents. They looked forward eagerly to columns of copy. Joffro uttered sixty-ftve words and then said Good morning. < Mr. Austen Chamberlain made a very big hit when he first addressed the House of Commons. If his famous father ever passed on to his son the advice which he received from an old member on the subject of first speeches, the advice was not followed. "I think the House of Commons would take it as a compliment," remarked the mentor, "and you would be all the better off, if you could contrive to break down a little." Sometimes as choir boys (writes the Rev. E. W. Leachman in "Stories of Clerical Life") we amused ourselves by scribbling nonsense verses during dull sermons. Here is one which tradition says emanated originally from the mind of a bishop, but about that I cannot speak with authority :— She frowned on him and called him MR., Because that night for fun he'd KR. j So just for spite, That very night, The naughty MR. KR. SR. Rather neat, isn't it? » General Townshend tells an amusing story of his Kut days. It concerns an English soldier, an Indian Sowar, arid a German pri- soner. For lack of something better to do during the closing weary days of the siege, says Townshend, these three made a bet as to which would stay longest in a native goat-house, situated on the outskirts of the town. The Tommy was the first to enter, but came out in half an hour, and was vio- lently sick. The Indian next went in, but he, too, had to seek the open air in about forty minutes, also suffering from nausea. The German went in last, and after five minutes-the goat came out. Mr. John G alsworthy, the novelist, did not begin to write till he was twenty-eight. The House of Commons lost its greatest wit when Mr. Tim Healy retired from Par- liament. He once described a Bill to which he objected as the offspring of "a headache of the Irish Office," and declared that the making of the late ^Sir Henry Campbell- Bannerman into Chief Secretary was an at- teihpt to govern Ireland with Scotch jokes. One of his best sallies, however, was made in the Law Courts during a divorce case, when he said that "the spectacle of his learned friend's client crying in the witness- box was the greatest miracle that had ever happened since Moses drew water from the lick. < Paderewski has some reputation for wit. "Ah! he said tfj. a well-known polo-player and an excellent amateur musician, afte-r listening to him play. "The dinerencc be- tween us isn't so very great, after all—you are a dear soul who plays polo, while I am a poor Pole who plays solo. )
 | FUN AND FANCY.
 | FUN AND FANCY. Lawyer: "The cross-examination did f" i seem to worry you. Have you had any pr?* j vious experience?" Client: "Six chil&eu." "This drama," said the young author, taken from the French." "Well," replied the manager, "I don't believe the French j will ever miss it." 9 He: "How'd you like a pet dog?" She: j. "Now, Charlie, haven't I tol-i you that I ) don't intend to marry?" Mistress: "Mary, don't let me catch you | kissing the grocer's boy a.gain Mary: "Lor', mum, I don't mean to, but you do bob around so!" Flo: "Why don't you marry Archie? He's as good as gold." Jess: "Yes; but my motto is Accept no substitutes.' "To be happy a man needs a wonderful digestion and. a woman needs beautiful attire," said Mr. Jones. "Yes." commented j Miss Brown; "one wants the stomach of an t ostrich and the other wants the feathers." t Miss Yellowleaf: "A woman's age doesn't really matter." Miss Caustique: "No; the thing that counts is how long she has been that age." "Why complain about my bill?" said the doctor. "It is not as big as it might have been." "I wasn't as sick as I could have been, either," said the man. Big Sister: "Come, Bobby, do as the doctor wishes. Take your powder as I do." Bobby: "Then I'll daub it on my face" "Now, Willie," said a schoolmaster to a pupil, "how many seconds make a minute?" "Masculine or feminine?" "Masculine or feminine! What do you mean?" "There's a big difference," replied the youngster. "When father says he'll be down in a minute it takes him sixty seconds; but sister's minutes contain about six hundred seconds!" "Let me kiss those tears away," he begged, tenderly. She fell in his arms, and he was busy for the next few minutes. And yet the tears flowed on., "Can nothing stop them?" he asked breathlessly sad. "No," she murmured; "it's hay fever, you know. But go on with the treatment." Mother: "I wonder how this book got in such a horrible condition?" Angel Child: "I heard papa say it was too dry for him, so I watered it." Father (to youthful son): "Now look here, my laddie, if you ever do that again III make you smart for it!" Son: "You can't do it. Teacher says I was born stupid, and no power on earth can make me smart. He says that I come of a stupid family. Father: "What! I'll go and see that teacher. Mother (tearfully): "Tommy, it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you." Tommy (also tearfully): "Mebbe it does, but not in the same place." The governess was giving little Tommy a grammar lesson the other day. "An abstract noun," she said, "is the name of something which vou can think of but not touch. Can. you give me an example?" "A red-hot poker." Daughter: "Papa went off in great good- humour this morning." Mother: "Mercy! That reminds me I forgot to ask fof any mony "Don't run so fast, Willie. It will hurt you." "tt will hurt me a lot more to stop- aa's after me with a stick." Customer: "I want some roses to match my girl's complexion." Florist: "But how l do I know what her complexion is?" Cus- tomer: "I've got a sample ricbt here on my shoulder." Wife (to husband, after violent outburst of sneezing): "John, 1 wish you would give up smoking or make one of the rooms intu a smoke-room. Every time yon light. that cigarette you start me ofT sneezing." Tht* Brute- "Wouldn't it be better if you had a sneeze-room; then I could smoke in po:icol" "Did you meet any nice men while you were awayY" ")'{'s. mother. Lots of them." "Lots of them' There aren't that kiituv in the whole world." Jack: "Say, boy. your dog bit me on the ankle." Tom: "NVell. that is as high as he could reach. You wouldn't expect, a little pup like him to bite you on the ucck, would you?" Fred: "That's a nasty cut you've got over your eye. old mnn. How did it happen?" Harry: "The wife and I had a few words this morning, that's all." Fred: "But she used to be such a hhy girl before you were married." Harry: "So she is now; she's always shying. And she's a good shot, too!"
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