Abergavenny Chronicle

r OUR SHORT STORY. I I THE CHORUS MAN'S ROMANCE. I By A. E. WILSON. I I ffPhipps, old man, I'm sick of it all. I wanted to be a great star and become famous," said Huntley Winthorpe mourn- :nlly, "nnd I've come to this—neither star Lior famous. For thirty shillings a week 1 paint my face, lend my net altogether bad voice to the singing of piffling choru.-e-. and generally act the foci for the amusement of lot of rustics. And to think that once upon a time I was cn my way to make a fortune in a decent, business." Some men become stars and manage their D-i Otl-.LrA remain actors and gain no renown. Hantley Winthorpe was ::nc of the latter, for he had just sufficient talent to prevent him from gaining any euc- C'Û::S in his chosen art. At the age of twenty-four, and after three en the stage, he found himself a member of the chorus of James Montmorency's No. 3 touring company of "The Bond Street Girl," a musical play that was so completely banal that it had run for 769 performances in London. That is why lie happened to find himself in Heckraondtwist'e. AfteT three months' touring up and don Englnnd, and also the ,i,, ro civilisc-d parts of Wale- and Scotland, he became accustomed to the bulletings of fate, but Heckmondt'.vistle struck him as being 3 something altogether novel in the way of gloom. It had manifestations of misery that were new to him, actor though he was. It was not so much a town as a topographical disaster. It wi.-i not, however, until he found him- self in temporary haven at Megersfontein Villa, Klondyke-road, that the complete gloom of the town sank into his soul. The house was redolent of the smell of damp umbrellas. The mist of a perpetual wash- I ing-day hung about the interior, and dimmed the hard-visaged furniture and the globes that contained the stuffed parrot and the wax fruits. Huntley's companion in misfortune was Desmond Phipps, a small-part man, who thought a good deal about Ibsen and rather approved of Nietzsche, and so he let hi3 hair grow long. That was why he was sometimes mistaken for an actor. The landlady had sniffed disapproval at the mention of "actors." She appeared to harbour strange belicfc and fears as to the private habits and morals of the profession, and it was not without plainly expressed misgivings that she had permitted them ItL temporary enjoyment of the mid-Vic- I torian treasures of her home. Huntley sank into the dusty depths of a sofa that gave ominously in the middle, and as he surveyed the dingy surroundings he bitterly regretted that he. had once thrown up a promising clerkship in the firm of Gregson, "the Glue King." "Good Lord, and they talk about the romance of the stage and all that guff, he said. "Here are you and I, able-bodied men of gentlemanly appearance and some pre- tence to education, jet we allow cursives to be pitchforked into a beastly hole of a town with a name that is more like a noise, and on top of it we have to submit ?t') be insulted by any ignorant eld re?ic of medievalism that chooses to let us di^turu the dust in her miserable little shanty." Phipps smiled a wan smile and ran hia fingers through his too abundant locks as he spoke. "But we have our Art," was his answer. "Oh, my aunt, that's good!" Huntley might have gone off into a fit cf laughter had he not remembered the land- lady's warnings against midnight "hor- gies." He smothered his mirth in one cf the faded antimacassars that are peculiar to such abodes. "Art and musical comedy—and such r.iur-i- pal comedy; that's really very good, Phipps. Thev ought to give you that little be:t Kane's part on the strength of it; you're too funny." And then the presence of two saveloys and a morsel of cheese, which was the land- lady's conception of a meat supper, was borne on them, and gloom once more settled on Huntlev like a shroud. He eyed" the two saveloys critically. "I'll toss you for the larger," he offered. There was silence whil-c the feast was in progress. When he had finished Huntley looked up reflectively at the ceiling. "I shall chuck acting to-morrow," he an- nounced, and he said it as though he meant it. But ns a matter of fact he did nothing of the sort, for when he saw Hilda Beauvoir he resolved to cling to the profession and even to stop in Ileekmondtwistle for life if necessary, if by so doing he could remain near this new divinity. It happened on the following morning. Coralie Odoll, the leading lady, it was an- nounced, had been transferred to the No.2 companv, and her part was to be played for the rest of the tour by Hilda Beauvoir. Huntley was enthralled by the rare charms of the new leading lady when she appeared on the stage. He thought of the carefully-manufactured beauty of the de- parted Coralie and of her inane, all-tooth smile. What a contrast was Hilda with her fresh, natural beauty and her charming girlishness. Life had once again become I JcvcJy for him. He wanHd. intensely to speak to her, to Ido, gallant and passionate things on her beha'f, to win her smiles and her caresses. "But what a fool I am," he told himself. "Can a poor devil of a chorus man aspire to such things?" That the lovely leading ladv should condescend to notice the exist- ence of an underpaid semi-actor was more than he dared to hope for. At the first performance Huntley went through his business with his mind filled with ° conflicting thoughts. Sometimes he thought he caught a friendly glance from her, and then he was in a delirium of joy. And then when he detected a too realistic note in the acting of Stanton Biggs, the i warbling hero who, if he did look fascina- ting from the back of the pit, was reputed to have a grandson in the profession, he was filled with an awful despair. He felt a very contemptible figure when he was near her on the stage. He rvore the grotesque make-up of the stage "nrit." The mauve morning coat and trousers, white top-hat and yelloW spats, and impossible accessories that he had to wear may have been esteemed the height of elegance by the local "bloods," but in such an attire Hunt- ley felt supremelv ridiculous. With the rest of the chorus men he had to prance about the stage singing: "We're Bond Street Johnnies, you know, And we're really awfully fast, We're always on the go, And we all have a red-hot past." And there were other lines that were even more fatuous. The banality of the whole business had never before struck him so forcibly. It was Jiard, he reflected, to appear manly and dignified in her sight while performing such absurd antics. She certainly must despise him. And yet when, assisting in the chorus of her song in the third act, "Dora, Dora, dainty Dora," he had the supreme joy of his arms in hers and dancing a few steps, it seemed that she was not quite in- different to him. There was something in her smile that seemed a message. That was an uplifting moment. 0 It was on the next day that the miracle hardened. As he was leaving the theatre 5He appeared—a dainty vision in her simple tailor-made and a little black velvet hat, from which stray curls peeped out in the most tantalising manner. "Oil, please can you tell me where I can get some tea?" she asked; "I'm simply dying for a cup." Huntley was immediately seized with a boldness that surprised him, particularly when he reflected upon his limited financial resources. I "Let me 6avt your life, then," he gested. "I don't know of any place, but I can I come with you and explore?" "I should be delighted if J. you would." .ii;I she looked as if she honestly meant it. 'll:l ¡,he lo-Jked as if she honestly meant it. Presently they v.* ere together in a cosy corner cf a pastrycook 's shop. Hilda al cf A pa6trycoo k 'o shop. Ililcla ate "It's awfully good of you to come," she said, as she poured him cut some tea. "It's a privilege I hardly dared to hopa for," he answered. "Why?" She looked at him in surprise. "Well, because you're the leading lady- and I'm only a humble member of the chorus." "Does that make much difference?" she j asked. "Obviously. Think of the great social guif that divides us." "But I'm y-ure you are just as nice as any of the principals—at least—I mean——" j "That's awfully gcod of you," said j Huntley who had blushed at the compli- i meiit. t After that the leading lady and the j chorus man got on splendidly together, and you would hardly have thought, had you I Eeen them together, that there was any great social barrier between them. Heckmoi-iitwistle had become an earthly paradise for Huntley. On Wednesday Hilda, scorning the senile gallantries of Stanton Biggs, allowed the poor chorus man to take her out again. Jt happened just the same J on the following day, and while she poured out the tea Huntley poured out his feelings. Much of what he said was irrelevant, but his passionate outburst may be summarised in one sentence: "Hilda, I love you." And the leading lady replied quite simply: I think I love you too, Huntley dear." The horrors of Heckmondtwistle and the dismal rooms in Klondyke-road faded away into nothingness as they kissed. Presently, howevef, Hilda began to look serious. "I'm afraid, dear," she said tragically, "I am not quite what you think I am. You think I am an actress, don't you?" "Why, of course, my darling." "But I'm not really; that is to say, I am acting a part." "Tell me all," he said. "Well, then, I'm not Hilda Beauvoir really; I'm the daughter of 'the proprietor of the company." She did not think Huntley would take the announcement so seriously, but he uttered a despairing cry. As the principal lady she was far from him, but as the daughter cf a wealthy theatrical magnate she was im- possible to attain. Then you are Hilda Montmorency, he said shrewdly. "Not exactly. You see, Montmorency is not mv father's real name. It's quite a secret, I believe, but these touring com- panies are a eort of hobby of his. He inado his money in another business. His real name is Gregson." Huntley nearly upset the tea-things in his excitement. "Not the Glue 1,7. 1 n he almost shouted. "I believe they call him something horrid like that," she answered. "But why do you ask?" "Because—it's very odd-I was employed, by him before I took to the stage. I wisn I had never left the business." He broke off at a tangent. "But don't you see I've no hope of marrying you now? She did not seem to share his despair at all On the contrary, she was smiling. "I think it's perfectly easy, Huntley-if you really want me." As if there was any other wish in the ivorld! She placed her dainty little hand on bie sleeve. "Just listen," she commanded. Im on the stage very much against the wish of mv father. I wanted to be an actress, and we had ever so "many squabbles about it. At last he had to give way and let me join one of his companies. Now, don t you see what you've got to do?" "No, not exactly." "Stupid; it's quite easy. You ve simply got to make me see the error of my ways and restore me to the loving arms of my father. He's coming to Heckmondtwistle to-morrow to plead with me once again. He'll do anything for you if you succeed in making me give up the stage." "Splendid." said Huntley with enthu- siaem. "And you really will give up the stage?" "Yes; until I met you I thought it was the finest thing in the world, but now- There is no necessity to report the endear- ments that followed. What really concerns us is the clever piece of acting for which the young couple were responsible when Greg-eon pere came to reason again with his errant daughter. "I owe it all to Hunt—Mr. Winthorpe, Daddy," explained Hilda. "He has made me see how wrong I have been to oppose your wishes." It was a touching scene, and Huntley behaved with much nobility. He was so modest about his own part in the affair that he had no word to say. "I seem to know you," said old man Gregson, after his daughter had sought shelter on the paternal breast. Huntley alluded to his former connection with the glue business. The old man eyed him shrewdly, but favourably. "Young man," said he,, "youd much better give up this play-acting busi- ness. What do you want to go about painting your face for, eh? It's no sort of business for an intelligent man of your kind. There's a place for you in the firm if you'll take it." "Thank you, sir, there's only one thing I'd like better," answered Huntley, boldly. "And that is-—" "Your daughter, if you please, said Huntley. Old 'Gregson eyed the girl nd sighed, but he thought of what Huntley had done for him, and he was struck with the nobility of his conduct. "Well," he said, "you'd better have her too."

THE FIRST MICROSCOPE. I A Dutch linen merchant in Amsterdam Wanted to determine positively that the number of threads in a given area of a piece of linen were all that the manufacturers claimed for them. This called for a very strong magnifying glass, stronger than at that time, 1675, had been invented. So he perfected himself a more powerful lens than was up to that time on the market. One day a drop of water fell on a piece of linen he was looking at, and by accident the lens rested over it. To his amazement he dis- covered living things in the drop of water. This interested him, and he put his lens over various things. One day he scraped some tartar from his teeth, and put the lens over it. Of course he found bacteria. He made his discoveries known to the Royal Society of London, which at once took up the matter, found the linen maker's state- ments to be true, had a duplicate made of the lens, and from this grew the whole study of bacteria. Now the microscope has reached such a degree of perfection that objects smaller than one-hundred-thousandth of an inch in diameter can be clearly seen and photographed.

NOTES ON NEWS. x Doubtless the Labour leaders will take hold of the suggestion made by Sir Douglas Haig for the formation of a citizen army, and use it for all it is worth in their en- deavours to cause strife and further handi- cap the even working of the Government and the country. It is not improbable that these master-makers of misery will hail vha-t idea as the forerunner of conscription, ."iiid make as much huPnbako as possible. It is therefore i:e-css..ry to thwart, if possible, any mischief-making by a straight- forward explanation of the Field Marshal's meaning. Sir Douglas Raig, speaking as a man who had seen enough of war to make him determined to spend his utmost efforts to prevent its recurrence,. said that he sin- cerely urged the formation of a strong citizen anny on territorial lines, an organi- sation which should ensure that every able- bodied citizen would come forward when the next crisis came, not only as a willing and patriotic volunteer, but as a fully trained military man. This is sound reasoning. We all know how in 1914 we were caught nap- ping, and are all fully agreed such a contre- temps must not occur again. Even if there never be need for our professional and volunteer army to enter the field, by the possession of it we shall be on the safe side, and with a certain amount of military train- ing and discipline each year the young man- hood of the nation will be the better. I Rifle Shooting. Sir Douglas Haig's remarks have already been accepted by many, for since the armistice and with the return of thousands of young men from the various seats- of war, a great boom has been noticeable in rifle shooting. Speaking at the revived meeting of the Society of Miniature Rifle Clubs, Major-General Fielding, G.O.C. London dis- trict, referred to the value of the work done by the rifle 'clubs of the countty. He said it was due in a great measure to the opportunities they had afforded the young men of the country that the standard of shooting in the new Army was brought up to that of the little Army, whose rapidity and accuracy of shooting kept the Germans at bay in 191*1. He hoped that they would continue the useful work, for every young man should learn to shoot. This was not militarism but commonsense, as the best way to stop war was to be prepared for it. He therefore urged all Englishmen to join rifle clubs .simply that they might defend their country in the time of need. I New Antarctic Expedition- Once again an attempt to further reveal the secrets held by the Antarctic is to be made, and next June the British Imperial Antarctic Expedition will sail from these shores, and will be absent about six years. The famous ship Terra Nova, whic-h has pre- viously done good work among the ice-fields, has been chosen for the venture, which is under the organising care of Mr. J. E. Cope, who at the moment is engaged jn ■ appoint- in or the expedition's personnel. Professor n. ° C. Mo-sman. F.E.S.E., will be chief of the scientific staff, and Mr. N. H. Larkman and Lieut. H. R. Hooke, who were both with the Shackleton expedition, will join the new party as chief engineer and wireless chief respectively. Captain Hurley, who accompanied the Mawson expedition, and who has been attached to the Australian Forces photographic staff during the war, will also join the party. Mr. Cope is shortly sailing for Canada to fetch the Terra. Nova and complete the general arrangements. One will wait with interest their further attack upon the ice-bound land of mysteries of the South. I The Sporty Loan.. I We have before advocated the State Lot- tery, and whilst the new Victory Loan does not reach such giddy heights of modern finance, the thm edge' of the wedge has bees allowed to be driven in, and a little gamble is now permitted in the Four Per Cents. For instance, if vou buy a £ 100 Bond now you may, if you are lucky in the draw next vear, get it redeemed at its full face value of £ 100, and so win a clear X15. Now, this mild idea of gambling is peculiarly fascinat- ing to most people. In Latin countries especiallv is the lottery craze most notice- able, and it is obvious that with racing so universally poivular in this, that we are net far behind cur cousins of warmer climes in this respect. The only point is that our let ■slaters are so hide-bound by tradition that they hesitate to legalise the issue of State-iun gambles. However, in the Vic- tory Loan the point is conceded, and this must he regarded by the man in the street as a great concession on the part of the politicians. i The General Service. It is highly gratifying to note that the authorities have decIded to grant a me^al to those who have actuaUy seen ser- vice in the iu'ld— i .• rca' fighting service. Whilst every praise is, of course, due to those who responded to their country's call, and through no fault of their own were iin- able to participate in the actual fighting arena, ihiere remains the fact that to havo been in the "fighting line" did bring in its train as a consequence hardships and danger which were not even compensated for by the knowledge that though the others may have been in, sav, an air raid or two, they, were for ever and always at the Base. Those who know the "line" as the- writer does will ad- mit thaL whilst there the danger was for ever present—at every moment of the day and night, week in and week out, aye, per- haps (as in his own case), for months and months upon end. Unfortunately, there are some of the unthinking who can hardly reali.-o that a man who has been through such terrors can return alive, and they almost doubt the fact that any person re- turning home from right "up there," with practically a whole skin, can honestly have seen such &ervice. It is a fact, however, that some of ns, though bearing only the slightest of wounds, have really and truly been "through it," and it is distinctly pleas- ing to note that a generous country intends I to give some little additional distinction for such service in the field. I River Traffic. One wonders why mere attention is not paid to the river transport question for pas- senger traffic. Of course, on some rivers such a scheme is not possible, but a most glaring instance is the lack of such trans- port on the river Thames. To mention a few cities and towns where passenger steamers ply with regularity and profit one may cite Paris, Bordeaux, and Bouen, and, needless to add, most cf the other Continental cities are similarly placed. In pre-war days there was an admirable service of boats at Ham- burg, on the Alster, and a service also run- ning down the Elbe, vet Father Thames has n,cver been successfully exploited in this direction. True, we have up-river services and a few long-distance ones down stream, but for general flitting about in and around the riverside suburbs one must perforce either use tram, 'bus, or train. With a little enterprise a fast service of smart launches could revolutionise the life of the Londoner and his country guests, and it will be interesting to watch and see if such a scheme will be matured. One would imagine a Thames steamboat service should not only prove popular, but profitable. In this con- nection one point is to be specially observed. All vessels in such a service must be of the screw type, for paddle-box boats would fail to prove satisfactory at the piers if a swift getting in and getting away policy were aimed at.

The Portuguese Cabinet has resigned. Oxford gave a civic reception to the cadre )f the 52nd Oxford and Bucks Light In- ■antry. 18,957 ra-ilwaymen lost their lives in the- war. Dudley's 300 municipal house tenants are sti.d on strike, and refuse to pay rent. A chal-a-banc was badly damaged at Ash- ton-on-Ribble when trying to pass under a railway bridge for which it was too large. Fifteen of the occupants were injured. A verdict of. "Accidental death" was re- turned on Albert Bancroft, the Grimsby fireman who was killed by the fall of half a ton of debris at the fire at Lojd Heneage'* house, Hainton Hall.

MONKEY'S HUMAN-LIKE EARS. I Scientific investigation points to the con- clusion that the shape of the monkey's ear is one of the measures of high racial type. The human-like c- a r developed gradually among the monkeys, in some of which it is quite manlike, while in others the resem- blance is very slight. The ear of a macaque monkey is pointed posteriorly, ind is very little different from one of the lower animals. In rare cases in man the ear may be found pointed. The ear of the black spider monkey shows a radical human like- ness. Does this assist in proving the Dar- winian theory? asks a correspondent.

Parrots in a West London public-hcus^ call out the customers' orders to the land- lord. X650 in notes have been stolen from the Labour Exchange at Shepherd's Bush. Orsett workhouse inmates who had no Christmas beer are to have a peace ration. Sir Charles Thomas Dyke Acland, once secretary to the Board of Trade, left ■ £ 429,424. Irish fresh eggs are advancing rapidly being Is. 6d. to 2s. per hundred higher at Manchester.

I THINGS THOUGHTFUL. Every yearning proves the existence of an object meant to satisfy it; the same law creates both the giver and the receiver, its longing and its home. It may be very difficult to love some natures with which we are brought in con- tact; injustice will wound, selfishness and ingratitude will sting. But we can at least learn to be gentle of speech and kind of deed, .and to remember that we are re- sponsible only for our own side of thi relationship. Find time still to be learning somewhat gcod, and give up being desultory.—Mavcui Aurelius. I have heard people talk of what they could do, what they knew when they were at Bchool, as though they were on the summit in school days, and been going down hill ever since.—Rev. C. L. Guild. OBEDIENCE. I I hear much of "obedience"—how thai the kindred virtues are prescribed and exemplified by Jesuitism" the truth of which and the merit cf which far be it from me to deny. Obedience is good and indispensable; but if it -OJe obedience to what is wrong and false, HIde is no name foi such a depth of human cowardice aud calamity, spurned everlastingly by the gods —Carlyle. J If communications between the dead anc the living were part of the nature 01 things, they would have been long age established beyond cavil.-Deiiii Inge. LITTLE, MINDS. I The great, enemy of all advance is little ness of mind. Thousands of people are onl) .happy when they are sitting in their bad yards. The moment they have to rise t< anything larger they suffer a feeling of in. convenience, and realise their back vardf are not eo important as they think. This littleness of mind is at the hottom of hall of our social, national, and internationa difficulties.—Sight Rev. Lor:! William Gas. coyne-Cecil. People call the League of Nation* Utopian, but the alternatives now art Utopia or H-ell.-Tlle Archbishop of York. A PEDLAR'S SONG. I Pine knacks for ladies' cheap, choice, bravo and new, Good pennyworths—but money canno move: I keep a fair but for the Fair to view- A beggar may be liberal of love. Though all my wares be trash, the heart i true, The heart ia true. Great gifts are guiles and look for gift. again; My trifles come as treasures from ur mind: It is a priceless jewel. to be plain; Sometimes in shell the orient's pearl w< find :—- Of others take a sheaf, of me a grain! Of me a grain —John Dowland (1600). TALK OF READJUSTMENT. I It is our imperative duty to make OU1 j Empire an inspiring example to the greatei League of Nations now happily organised After the peace each nation cf our world- wide Commonwealth must address itself im- mediately to the task of readjustment t( new conditions. Indeed, that task hat already been undertaken, and the spirit which sustained us through the war will also sustain us in the still more difficult days of peace.Sir Robert Borden. Applause is only the clacking of tongues; self-respect is better than fame.—Marcus Aurelius Antoninus. People are perfectly willing to be told they are miserable sinners, and to confess themselves such in a general way, but iJ the preacher once begins to specify, to fix on any particular act or habits, he is accused of personality or uncharitableness: his hearers are ready to confess guilty tc any sin but the very one with which he charges them.-Kiii,sley. I would remind you that your building of a new Britain will be watched by none with such eager, anxious hearts as youi kinsmen beyond the sea. We are all in thE same business, but we expect you to sho-w us in a brave way how Britain builds in peace. You must not disappoint us.- Ralph Connor. Be good, sweet maid, And let who will lie clever, Do noble things, Not dream them all day long, And so make life, death, And that last forever One grand, sweet eong. Kin.rsley. THE KEY TO ALL. I Be sure of it. Be sure that to have' found the key to one heart is to have found the key to all; that truly to love is truly tc know; and truly to love one is the first step towards truly loving all who bear the same flesh and blood with the beloved. All knowledge is love, andv all love know. ledge; even with the meanest, we cannot gain a glimpse into their inward trials and struggles without an increase of sympathy and affection. Every human being is a romance, a miracle to himself now; and will appear as one to all the world in that Dav.-Hinorsley. HIGHER STANDARDS. I Although the consideration of mankind I m the m aps, and the calculation of tenden- I cies based on figures and averages, must lead us to somewhat pessimistic and cynical views of human nature, there is no reason why individuals, unices they wish to make a career out of politics, should conform themselves to the low standards of the world around them. It is only^'in the loomp" that humanity, whether poor or rich, "is bid.Verv Rev. Dean Inge, D.D. THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS. I The League of Nations is the only hope of civilisation and of security for the cause of Justice and IZi,htcotisiie&s.-Major David Davies, M.P. THE OPPORTUNITY OF THE CHURCH. To my mind, the Churches have a great and. unequalled opportunity; upon how they use it will depend not merely the future of our race, but the continual existence of that noble type of civilisation which we and our forefathers have laboriously built up. Edu- cation, doubtless, has also a larger part to perform, but in aiditioji to lay education there must be that idealism wlich the Church alone can give. If our ideals die, our Empire must perish with them. F. M. Sir Douglas Haig.

A German motor-lorry captured by &,e Canadians in France has been sold by the Disposal Board for t67. The Scandinavian newspapers are adver- tising the former German imperial yacht Meteor for sale. The price is £ 25,000. William Robert Peel, a demobilised sol- dier, sat on the edge of a lake at South- port and cut his throat, his body falling in the water. "Mons Robertson" were the names given to a baby at Finchley. The VCta. William Cunningham, Arch- deacon of Ely, has died at Cambridge in his 70th year.

FUN AND FANCY. The ex-Kaiser has told a newspaper man that the Peace terrmj have "set his brain in n whirl." How that fellow doea brag, to be sure. A few v/ordj mumbled by a minister con. stitute a marriage. A few words mumbled by a sleeping husband constitute a divorce. Agtnc. "This vacuum bottle will keep anything hot or cold for seventy-two hours." Mr. Tipples: "Don't want it. If I have anything worth drinking I don't want to keep it seventy-two hours!" "Well, how do you like being Married?"" "Oh, it's grei-t fun. Arthur paints, and I cook, then we both guess what the things- are meant for." Browning hafl lately taken to lecturing en the teetotal platform. "So you want to marry my daughter, sir? What are your principles? Are you temperate?" he asked a candidate for the position of son-in-law. "Temperate!" was the reply. Why, I am so strict that it pains me even to find my boots tight." Since the publication of the Peace treaty the ex-Kaiser is said to be more convinced than ever that it is none of his war. "Ramsgate boasts a donkey that drinks Government Ale," says a morning paper. He must be an ass! In great distress she burst into her hus- band's office and cried, "Oh, my dear, I dropped my diamond ring from my finger and I c-an't find it anywhere." "That's all right, Muriel," he said, soothingly. "It is quite safe. I found it in my trousers pocket this morning." There is a foreign couple living in the flat next to us, and they are simplj^ii tor- ment to my wife." "Why so?" "They quarrel incessantly, and she can't under- stand a word of it." A school inspector in the north w?.s once examining a geography class, and asked the question: "What is a lake?" He was much amused when a little fellow answered: It 13 a hole in a can, sir." "I have little doubt," commenced the pompous committee man on behalf of h s co-workers, "that most of you think that in this committee half of us do the work while the other half do nothing. On the contrary, gentlemen, I can assure you that the reverse is the case." Nan: "Did you notice how dreadfully that piano needed tuning?" Fan: "Why, no dear; I thought it harmonised perfectly with your voice." He: "I suppose you wouldn't think cf marrying a man unless he could afford to give you a. yacht?" She: "Oh, I don't know. If I really loved him I would be satisfied with a little smack occasionally." She: "W onld you cheerfully walk three miles for the sake of seeing me?" He: Er-ivell-of course, love." She: "I'm so glad, becaxse I have just heard your last tram go. The fond husband was seeing his wife off with th-e children for the summer holidays. As she got into the train he said: But, mv dear. '.von't you take some fiction to read?'" no," she responded sweetly; I shall depend on your letters from home." There is a danger that the rabies scare is upset-ting people. Last week it was re- ported that a cheese had "ll seen foaming at the mouth. "So yOJ. have bought your wife another expensive ring. Isn't that a waste of money?" "On the contrary, it is true economy, for she won't require half so many pairs of gloves as formerly." There was a young fellow of Woking Who always was punning and joking; His friends got to hate him, So had to cremate him, And all lent a hand at the stoking. Scotsman (seeing drummer in the band with his coat .off): "Auch, it's the first time I knew you had to take off your coat to play the drum." Cockney: "Oh, is it? That is nothing. In Scotland they have to take off their trousers before they can play the bag- pipes." Jamie, a workman in a Lancashire mill, was sneaking out one morning in search of a quiet corner in which to enjoy a whiff cf tobacco. Turning a corner, he came full on the "boss." "Were you looking for me?" asked the boss. "Aw wur that," re- isitcd the ,oss. didna' weant to see il iQd Jiiiiie, "but aNv di d iia' weailt to cc e t' Client: "I want to sue for a divorce and an allowance of i: 1.500 a year." Lawyer: "What is your husband's income?" Client: "It's about that. I wouldn't ask for more than a man makes. I'm not that kind." "Who is at the 'phone?" "Your wife, sir." "WThat does she want?" "The only word I can understand is idiot,' sir." "Let me come there. She probably wants to talk with me." For a long time he had worshipped a fail girl at a distance, but his shyness prevented him proposing. Then one evening a charity performance took place in which his fair one was leading lady, and was more charm- ing than ever. Afterwards he drew near, his love overcoming his shyness. "You are the Star of the Evening he exclaimed. "You are the first to tell me so," she said, with a happy blush. Then may I claim my reward as an astronomer?" he asked. She looked puzzled. "What reward?" she rsked. "The right to give my name to the star I have discovered," he; replied. Miss Gushington: "I admit, Arthur, that this is not the first time I have been en- gaged, but I'm sure your noble, generous heart-" Little Brother: "Sis, the baby's ts, tb- b. by's got hold cf your bunch of engagement rings." "Did you see that lovely young girl wait- ing there in the lobby, with the pretty brown dress .?nd furs?" asked hubby as he entered their taxi. "What! That frowsy thing with the false puffs, enamelled face, gold teeth, home-made dress, imitation mink furs, and torn gloves? No, I didn't notice her at all." They had just been introduced to each other at the reception. Presently the younger girl, glancing at a man who had recently entered, remarked: "I can't think what's the matter with that tali, dork man over there. Just before you came he was staring hard at me, and looked as though he wanted to be introduced. Now he's turned his back on me. I wonder why?" "Perhaps," said the other, "it's because he saw me come in. I'm his wife

I Glasgow is experiencing a meat famine. and in consequence of short supplies many butchers' shops are closed. Grand Admiral Henning von Holtzen- dorff, who was chief of the German Ad- miralty Staff up to August, 1918, has died. Orders for 40,000 gallons of wine have 1-.een received in Sydney from a "dry dis- trict of Canada for the manufacture cf medical preparations. Fourteen horses were burnt to death three motor char-a-bancs destroyed and aI' extensive range of buildings gutted by a fire on the'premises of Mr. Joseph Lowe, haulier and contractor, Smethwick.

I PENSION PROBLEMS: HOW TO SOLVE THEM. I By AH EXPERT. Progress of Efforts blade in ihe Ex-Ser- ,ice lntecests-"Cjingering-up" the Housing Schemes — Extension ot OE;t=of Work Donation fler;od -Prefer= ence all tne Employment Exchanges- Something Every War Widow 5houicl Rea4. FREE ADVICE TO OVR READERS. The Sefeet Committee on' Pensions ha-* been energetically pursuing its* work- of taking evidence from men who- are in a jvo-sition to oft-er helpful criticism' cf the pre- sent administration,, and suggestions for it* improvement. Almost as scon as- this Com- mittee got to work, the Minister of Pen- sions announced1 his- scheme for decentralisa- tion-in other words, a scheme for throwing: much cf the work that is now done in Lon- don upc-n provincial centres. This is a good move in the direction of speeding up. Some little time ago, one of my ex-Service correspondents called attention to the way in which the housing difficulty affected him, and, unfortunately, it was one of those cases for which no immediate remedy could be found. New iuubes cannot be c:¡I:1 juic being by the wave cf any magic wand, or all our needs would have been supplied weeks ago. The Government are doing all they know how, in co-operation with the various local authorities, to launch building schemes. The Prime Minister will shortly address conferences on the subject in large centres cf the population if he can be spared from Paris. Mr. Bonar Law very recently put his shoulder to the wheel, to impress upon local authorities the need for national effort in this direction. "Not a day should be lost in doing everything that could be done in getting houses up," said Mr. Bonar Law, and all the evidence at hand goes to show that real "ginger" is being put into the work generally. Prompt attention is being paid to urgent needs in another direction. It is easy for those whose shoes do not feel the pinch of -iiieinploymeiit to abuse the Government for its out-of-work donation policy. The news- pa.pers tell us how it is abused, but they do not tell us what the self-respecting men and women who have received this help say about it. I, for one, would have raised, an indignant protest if they had been left to sink or swim, without any helping hand being stretched out to them by the State. Fortunately, things are otherwise. In con- sideration of the fact that among the de- mobilised sailors, soldiers, and airmen who have not yet been re-absorbed into in- lutrv there are a number who have now exhausted the 26 Aveeks out-of-work dona- tion without finding employment, the Gov- (LITimelit have extended the donation period for the* men by a further period of thir- teen weeks at a reduced rate. Subject to otrtain conditions, the donation in this second period will be: Men, 20s. per week; women, 15s. per week, with the same allow- irce for dependent children as in the first period, i.e., 6s. a week for the first depen- dent child under 15, and 3s. a week for every additional child under that age. » Employers of labour are reminded that, by notifying their vacancies, existing or prospective, to the nearest Employment Ex- change, or in the case of men of higher education to the nearest District Directorate of the Appointments Department, they will assist the Ministry of Labour in finding jobs for men and women who are now seek- ing work. It is very encouraging to re- member that of the millions demobilised to date whose furlough has expired, over 80 per cent. have got back into niches in civil life. When you come to think out what that means, it is a record of which the old country has a right to be proud, in view of what is happening in other countries. And employment is increasing. Every widow of a sailor, soldier, or air. man who is receiving a widow's pension ought to find out whether she is entitled to an Alternative Pension. The first condi- tion is that she must have been married prior to the commencement of the war or the enlistment of her husband. If her ordi- nary pension and children's allowances added together amount to less than two- thirds cf what her husband earned weekly before August 4, 1914, and her husband's earnings were above 27s. 6d. a week, she may be eligible, and should therefore con- sult the Secretary of her Local War Pen- sions Committee. The system will be explained to widows who call on their Local Committees, and if they axe eligible, they will be assisted in making their claim. As careful inquiry has to be made regarding tht. husband's pre-war earnings, some time must elapse before the actual award is made, but arrears from the date of application will ultimately be paid. Applicants should make a point of stating accurately all that is known about the husband's employment and earnings before the war, so that the Inquiry Officer may report without delay. The highest alternative pension that can be awarded to a widow is S:2 10s. a week, and in that case the husband must have earned K.5 or more a week before the war. If the husband earned £2 10s. a week before the war, the widow's alternative pension would be £ 1 13s. 4d. A temporary bonus of 20 per cent, is added owing to the present high cost of hvmg. Every widow who thinks sh e is eligible hu7d take imme- diate steps to see how she stands under this scheme. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. A. A., Hoath.-Am not sure that you aro entitled to it. If you did not receive pro- tection and identity certificates N.F.S. 1306 or A. F. Z. 11 fill in A. G. F. 305 (obtained at Post Office), and send it to Accountant- General of the Navy, Admiralty, London, S.W. S. B., Folkestone.—Apply in first instance to your Local Employment Exchange, where they should be able to give you the requi- site Board of Agriculture's pamphlet. If there is any difficulty, write direct to the Secretary, Board of Agriculture, 72, Vic- toria-street, London, S.W.I. P. J. B., Sholden.—Full particulars of parents' pensions appeared in this column recently. Application must be made to the nearest Local War Pensions Committee. Write, if the office is too far away to visit, giving full particulars. Get the address at the Post Office. On the facts as stated she 1 ?eems entitled. i L. E. II., Finglesham.-Full particulars of parents' pensions appeared recently in this column, which I think will tell you all you Heed to know. If it doesn't, please %vi-ite again, but you would save yourself much trouble if you addressed y?rself to the Secretary of vour Local W ar'^Pensions Com- mittee (address obtainable at nearest Post Office). R. B., High Park-road.—Did vou claim cHsabilitv pension before demobilisation on appropriate Army form? If not, and you are conscious of a disability due to service, von can lodge a request with your Local War Pensions Committee, to be sent before their Medical Referee. Our Pensions Expert is anxious to assist sailors and soldiers and their wives and dc- » pendents in dealing with intricacies the War Pensions System. Address your queries to "Pensions Ex- pert," c/o Editor cf this paper. All essen- tial facts should be stated as briefly as pos- sible, such as name, number, rank, regi- metit of soldier, name and rating of sailor, particulars of families and eepo ration aI. lowance and (in inquiries c-oncerning civil liabilities) pre-war or pre-enlistment in- come, present or war income, and full lia- bilities. Do net send any documents, birth certificates, or discharge papers, etc. Will correspondents please make a point of sending their regimental number, rank, name, and regiment?