Papurau Newydd Cymru
Chwiliwch 15 miliwn o erthyglau papurau newydd Cymru
12 erthygl ar y dudalen hon
OUR SHORT STORY.
OUR SHORT STORY. THE INSURANCE POLICY. By VINCENT EMS. "You've 'card me mention my uncle, Ben r' asked Mr. Abel Damper. "Not more than about a 'undred thou- sand time- replied Ben. "G oiu' ta men- tion 'im azain 1" "Only to say he's dead," said Abe, with reproachful solemnit y "Then I 'ope you'll let 'im rest peaceful," retorted Ben. I've 'card enough about im, an' 'is 'ouse, an' 'is money, an' 'ow 'e Wa. once mistook for a gentleman-" "Twice," corrected Abe, indignantly. j "Must 'ave been by the same person then sneered Ben, with a touch of spite. "So 'e's dead is 'e? 'Bout time, wasn't it?" "Well, we might think so—'e mightn't," said Abe. "Matter of fact, 'e didn't, for I ear 'e was 'orrible rude to the doctor when 'e told 'im 'is time was come. Said 'e'd live long enough to keep 'iin waiting a few years for is bill But 'c didn't, because 'e died twenty minutes later—last Tuesday that was. An' concluded Abe, "I've 'ad a 'int 'e's left me a thousand pound. The funeral's on Friday, an' we're to go back to tibe 'o'se to 'ear the will read properly. There worè't a better man ever lived than my pore uncle!" sniffed Abe. "A thousand pounds," said Ben, working out a calculation with a bit of chalk on the jetty "a thousand pounds, with beer at sispeuce a pint, is forty thousand pints! Goin' to start on 'em, Abe?" "Wait till I come back Friday night," said Abe. Abe came back on the Friday night, half angry, half puzzled "The old sinner's left me a thousand pounds all right," he explained to Ben, "but not what :ou might call a proper thousand. 1m to draw enough so as I can be insured for a thousand. Same with my brother Joe. All the rest, bar two pun' ten to 'is 'ousekeeper, is to go to start a 'Ome for Rc-omatics. Darn me if I'd 'an:' spent 'arf a crOfovn en a wreath if I'd 'ave known, let alone get a new suit o' black. Any rate, I'll be worth a thousand pounds in a sort of way." "Yes, in a sort o' w,iy grinned Ben. "Assume you pass the doctor, you'll get your thousand pound policy all right, an' it'll run for a year. Then there'll be another c, r fifty pound to pay on it, else v"ii ,ii lose the lot." "What?" bellowed Abe, who didn't under- stand assurances. "It's the solemn truth I'm tellin' you," said Ben. "If you don't pay up at the end o' twelve months the policy stops." An' supposin' said Abe, bitterly, "sup- posin' I pily up, when do I get the thou- sand qui d "When you're dead," grinned Ben. "The oary-'eaded old viper!" snarled Abe. I ain't no better off for 'is 11)) alcft than if 'e'd stopped 'erf'" "In one way you ain't," agreed Ben. "an' in another way you are. If you died in the twelve months somebody would get the thousand pounds. I wouldn't mind givin' you fifty quid for the policy if you'd take your Bible oath you wouldn't live more than a year "I'd swear solemn began Abe eagerly, but Ben cut him short. "I know you would. You'd swear any- thjn. But that don't guarantee you'd peg ■out! What you want to do, Abe, is to use that there policy to do .yourself a bit of good. What about gettin' 'old of some female with a bit 'o money, tellin' 'er you're insured for a thousand, prove it by showin' 'er the policy, marry 'er, an' take things ca-,v. But I ain't never been married," objected Abe. "an' I don't know no female what would 'ave me." "Xobodv would ordinar'ly." said Ben, "but with a thousand pound policy 'angin round you neck one might be found who d •shut 'er eyes to your face, an' your ways, ^■tcetery, an' 'ave you." "Anybody in your mind?" inquired Abe. "Tivo or three," said Ben. "But before I 'and you over to a female for you to live easy on 'er money, me an' you would 'ave to come to a proper arrangement. I'd want to be eased a bit myself, Supposin* she 'ad two quid 'a week I'd want six bob, an' so on. You'd 'ave to sign it, an' swear it." "I'm willin," said Abe, "an' my word's my bond, like it says in the Scriptures." "I ain't so sure about it," retorted Ben. "But in this ca,se I'd 'ave you tight enough, because if you didn't pay up I'd let on about the thousand pound insurance bein' only for a year, an' that would be good enough for 'er to divorce you on-marryin' under false pretences bein' pretty serious. But there ain't no hurry till you've got the policy, so let it be for a bit. I can be pumpin' them females an' findin' out which is the biggest fool about insurances. I reckon one of 'em know-, about as much as a dead donkey, but I'll have to make sure. There wouldn't be no weddin' bells, Abe, if che was to say, An' supposin' I'm willin' to marry Mister Abel Damper, an' supposin' re didn't die in a year, who's goin' to keep that thousand pound policy paid up till 'e does die?' Some females 'ave got their wits about them, an' others ain't. The one you marry, Abe, will 'ave to be one of the 'ain't' sort! An' concluded Ben, grin- ning, asrumin' I 'it on a female like that, an' assumin' you marry 'er, I shall always say that you an' 'er must 'ave been meant for each other by Providence, eeein' as you're the only man in the country what didn't know that premiums 'ave to be paid on insurances, an' she'll be the only female what didn't know ditto! You'll be a couple of fools together "Much "obliged!" said Abe, scowling. "There's one point that struck me. D'ye reckon it's likely that a female with two or three quid a week comin' in will want to marry a boatman?" "If things is fixed up with the female I've got in my mind," said Ben, "you needn't worry ahout that. She won't, be marryin' you. She'll be marryin' that thousand pound policy < Abe in due course became the possessor of a policy of insurance for £ 1,000, and after Ben had inspected and approved it, he pro- duced a couple of Bibles and an agreement. "Take one o' these in each 'and," he told Abe, "shut your eyes. and say after me, I 'ereby swear that I'll go to everlastin' 'ell for ever an' ever if I don't pay Mister Ben- jamin Gimp, Hesquire, three bob in the pound reg'lar every Saturday night a couple of hours before closin' time like it's written down in the agreement.' -Abe said all this, and kissed each of the Bibles. "Now," said Ben, "you're tied up, an' the next thing is to come over to the Red Lion, sign this agreement I've written out, stand me a pint, an' 'ear the female's name." An' now let's hear it," said Abe, ten minute's later, setting down his pint pot. "Miss Bennett—'er that lives at View Cotta-c-c; she's the female," replied Ben. "'Er?" ejaculated Abe, disappointed. "Why, she's cider than——" "She's got two pun' fifteen a week," in- terrupts Ben. "Likewise, she's also got a bit in the bank. Further, she don't under- stand insurances. An' she says she's noticed you down on the beach, an' wouldn't mind marryin' you, bein' of opinion that many an awful face covers a good 'cart. She was quite touched when I told her you'd been frettin' after 'er for years an' years, an' 'ad only just screwed your courage up to ask me to aSK 'er if there was any chance of 'olv matrimony." "But," began Abe, "-she's "It's 'er or nobody," put in Ben decisi- vely. "All the others is too sharp. One of them said that—well, she was what might J be called insultin'. You'd better make up your mind for Miss Bennett, Abe, and be quick about it, because there's a cap'en she was engaged to forty-three years ago ccmin' to see 'er next week." Briefly, it can be put that Abe-tall, with an out-size in hands, ears, and feet, and with a face which was, to say the least, somewhat rugged, but redeemed by the twinkling eyes of a sailorman's blue--duly introduced himself to Miss Matlida Bennett, a short and stout little body, with small hands, small feet. and a face" homely and pleasant, and after a bit of courtin' the two were married, Abe duly producing his in- [ surance policy for < £ 1,000, and Sanding it over to his bride for safe keeping. » On the first Saturday night after the wed- ding Abe duly turned up at the Red Lion,* and handed to Ben eight and sixpence. Ben took it, and then snapped, "I'll trouble you for another one an' six. Why? Because I want it, that"s ,yby Ain't that a good enough reason?" Abe protested, but, feeling happy, paid. He liked his wife, liked the new comforts of a clean home and well-cooked meals; so what was eighteenpence extra? j On the next Saturday Ben demanded twelve and sixpence, and once again Abe paid. Perhaps it was because his wife had told him but an hour before that she'd been a bit nervous over marrying him, but that she wasn't nervous no more, and that she wished they had met end liked each other twenty years earlier. On the third Saturday Ben demanded fourteen shillings, and Abe at first pro- tested, then jibbed, and finally refused to pay more than the eight and six. At once Ben threatened exposure. "Pay np, or be found out he blustered. "You're a dirty blackmailer," said Abe, "an' for two pins I'd never jay you another penny An' "-Nrith sudden resolution— "I'm darned if I will I did wrong in bein' tempted into this 'ere game o' deludin' an out-an'-out good woman like my missus, an' I won't 'ave no more to dnwÚh it. Eh? I swore I would, an' kisaed a couple o' BibJes to- it? Matter of fact," said Abe, complacently, "it was only my thumbs I kissed, 'avin' a feelin' Bibles shouldn't be used to swear on." "There's this 'ere, agreement you signed!" snarled Ben. "I'll keep you to that "It's too late," said Abe. "I was willin- to keep to it-it was you who didn't, with your blackmailin' Yes, you can put me in court for it if you like, but if I'm a fool over insurances I ain't over agreements. What I signed ain't worth the paper it was written on, seein' nobody was a witness an' you ain't 'ad it stamped, as by law pervided. Y ou'v e over-reached yourself, Benjamin Gimp, an' you'll get no more money out o' me "WaitF" snarled Ben. "I ain't done with you yet! A bargain's a bargain "It would 'ave been if you'd stuck to it," retorted Abe. Ben did not wait for closing time, but went home to write a letter. The composi- tion took some time, but when the epistle was finished it exposed Abe and his wicked- nesses pretty thoroughly. "If that don't bust things un. nothin* will chuckled Ben with grim satisfaction. "Wonder what she'll say to that?" What "she"—Mrs. Damper, to wit-said was: —■ "To MR. B. GIMP,— "I have received your letter. I suppose you wrote it to make mischief. Well, it hasn't. "So no more from yours truly, "MATILDA DANIPER. Any other letters will be used for spills, matches being hard to get. "Me and my husband—and I rover wish for a better—have no sc-cr^ts from each other Ben cursed, and perhaps he would have cursed more had he known more. Abe had steamed the envelope open, written out another letter containing various wild accu- sations each easily refuted—signed it "B. Gimp," inserted it in the envelope, and— but whv explain the obvious? When Ben and Abe met the fusilace of lurid abuse from Ben—was violent and bitter. "You've stuffed your missus up soir.e'ow, roared Ben, "but an old swindler like you will get paid out sooner or later—you ree if you don't! I've got a card up my sleeve yet! You're livin' on the fat of the land now—nil through me !—but I'll 'ave the laugh of you yet,you robberisin' scoundrel Ten months from her wedding day =\1rs. Damper died, leaving Abe entirely disconso- late. "Serve you r!ht! Serve you right:" spat out Ben, in vicious triumph. "I knew you'd be paid out! You'll like turning to an' doin' 'ard work again now, won't you? I can see you doin' it, an' cursing' like mad! Ten months o' takin' it easy will make work work Y o u' 11 "I'll 'ave what my pore missus left me." said Abe quietly. I Ben roared with spiteful and indecent laughter. "You'll 'ave whnt she's left you!" I he echoed. "Now this is where I come in an' get a bit of my own back This is where I play the card I told you I 'ad up my sleeve. I never told you, although I knew it right enough, but that two fifteen a week wasn't what you might coll proper money. It was an annuity, an' it stopped dead the minute your missus died 'Ow do you like 'earin' that?" "I don't mind," said Abe-, "because she told me 'erself before we was married. I wasn't referrin' to that when I said I'd 'ave what she left me." "What's she left you?" demanded Ben. "Some pots of 'ome-made jam?" "My missus," said Abe slowly, and with tears—real tears—in his eyes, "wa,- one o the best. We 'adn't been married very long before she said she ought to do by me same as I'd done bv 'er, so she insured 'erself for a thousand pounds. That's what I was re- ferrin' to." Abe caught Ben as he lurched heavily for. ward, and with the assistance of Joe Gramp laid him in the. shade, the while a boy ran for a doctor and the ambulance. "What's, up with 'im?" asked Joe. "Looks as if 'e'd 'ad a stroke, or a shock, or sum- mat sudden like that." "It was a shock," said Abe, with the voice used when visiting the sick and suffering. 'E ea rd somethin' that upset 'im."
KING FLIES TO ENGLAND.
KING FLIES TO ENGLAND. The King of the Belgians paid a surprise visit to Eton to see his son, Prince Leo- pold. He left Brussels at 10 a.m. xii an aeroplane, and arrived two and.n half hours later at Hounslow Aerodrome. From thence I he motored to Windsor, and lunched at the White Hart Hotel. King Albert walked through Windsor and Eton to the College. On arriving at the headmaster's residence it was found that Dr. Alington wa.s in London. lie therefore went to Mr. G. G. Lubbock's house, where Prince Leopold is a pupil. He subsequently walked through the quadrangle and playing fields. Mrs. Lubbock was presented to the King, who then visited various college buildings, and at his own request was taken to one of the class-rooms to see the pupils at work. Later King Albert motored to London and dined with the Earl and Countess Cur- ZOll of Kedleston. On Thursday he returned to Belgium by aeroplane.
MINERS DECLINE TO PROMISE.
MINERS DECLINE TO PROMISE. There was no public discussion ct the Miner- Gonferenoe or announcement at Kes- wick 2:1 regard to the Government ofier to defer the increase in the price of coal if the 1. inert promise to make every effort to increase the output at Wednesday's meet- ing. On r '.ursday, however, the Conference de- r the C?onfereiice de- cliner .0 promise the Government that no strikvo Noould take place during' the- next three months, or to give a plain "Yes" to the r ingestion that miners should do their bes' to increase the output cf coal. As a result the 6s. increase per ton on coal is likely to be imposed immediately. Provid- ing the Government take immediate steps towards nationalisation, the ColfereiiCN2 is willing to pledge the miners to make every effort to add to the output. Mr. W. Brace, M.P., made an eloquent, but unavailing, appeal for the prosperity of the country, and pointed out the t'uffering entailed 011 poor people by a rise in the price of coal.
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Portsmouth lower deck men are arranging a presentation to Admiral Beatty at a town hall banquet to which the Premier and Mr. Walter Long will also be invited. Under the new regulation requiring school children to stay en at school until the end of the term, the father of a child who left at the age cf 14 was fined HI". <3d. at Chertsey
OTHER MEN'S MINDS.
OTHER MEN'S MINDS. I have no information that many of the middle classes are forced to take lodgingB. —Dr. Addison. TOMMY AND THE HEREAFTER. How little has the question ot imaged con. tinuation after death troubled the soldier end the 6ailor.-Lord Haldane. PRICES FALLING. I Since November last there has been a I steadv fall in the prices of foodstuffs taken I as a whole.—Mr. G. H. Roberts. THE EXD OF COMPETITION. I International competition carried to its I logical conclusion must end in International destruction.—Lord Robert Cecil. 70 MILLIONS ANGRY. I Germany is a seething mass of 70 millions of people, disillusioned and angry.—Lieut.- Commauder Kenworthy, M.P. LETTING LOOSE ANARCHY. I If you destroy the Government by a national strike you will let loose elements that will lead to anarchy.—Mr. James Sex- ton. GOOD-BYE, L.G.B. I NOt Department has ever gone out of J existence with so little sorrow and with less I mourning than the Local Government i Board.—Sir II. Morgan. PEACE AXD TRUTH. I I know in the happy days of peace nobody deliberately makas a false statement.— I Major-Gen. Seely. FARMERS' ACCOUNTANCY. I The fact that farmers do not keep ac-I counts is detrimentfil to the whole nation.— Sir James Martin. I CHANCES FOR THE YOUNGSTERS. I For the rising generation there are op- portunities unprecedented in the history ot the world.ir Auckland Geddes. JAPAN'S GAINS. I Japan will obtain from the war very ap- I preciable economic and political advantages. —Baron Goto (ex-Foreign Minister) THE WORKMAN'S HOLIDAY. I I om not sure that there is anything more tragic than the British working man trying to spend his holiday with his family.—Mr. Austen Chamberlain. OUE NATIONAL IDIOCY. I It should be with feelings of shame that we remember that aft-er the war had com- menced we granted naturalisation to a full- blooded German because it was said our money market would suffer.—Sir Herbert Nield, M.P. MODESTY. I Financially speaking, I am a man of no II consequence.—Lord Milner. POPULAR MOTORISTS. I I believe the hostility to motorists is gradually dying out.—Mr. Joynson-Hieks, M.P. FEED THE BRUTES! I Give the miners more and better food. and they will produce the coal.—Mr. W. Handy. ADMIT OUR ENEMIES. I It will be much safer to have our late enemies in the League than outside it.- Mr. Garvin. JUVENILE MACHINERY. I Babies are more intricate than some of I the most wonilerful machinery we have.- I Mayor of East Ham. MARKED SPITALFIELBS. I The housing problem in Spitalfields is far worse than in the Bethnal Green area re- cently visited by Queen Mary .-Rev. C. H. Chard. A REMARKABLE CAREER. I Mr. Lloyd George has made the Empire safe and Wales immortal. His is the most remarkable and romantic career in English history.—Bishop of St. Asaph. CRIME OF BIGAMY. I Bigamy is a very cruel crime, both to the women who are ruined without knowing it, and to the children who are illegitimate.— Mr. Justice Saltr. MORE MONEY, MORE PAY. I Although wages have been increased the pporer lwople are no better off, because it takes all their extra money to meet the in- creased prioes. -Potteries Stipendiary. BRITAIN'S PART. I This was, in my judgment, primarily a French war, but the part played by Britain is one that places her first amongst the nations of the eerth.-Geuccal Botha. AUSTRALIA SAFE. I I have no fears as to the future of Aus- tralia.—General Sir W. R. Birdwood. I IMMORTALISING MAN. I No statues have ever been erected to I merely rioh or successful men.—Bishop of London. PRUSSIANTSM NOT DEAD. I Is Prussian militarism dead? Frankly, I I do not in the least believe it.—Mr. W. M. Hughes. AND THERE YOU ARE! I I am not much of a speaker, and I never was a preacher. I'm only a politician out I of work.—Right Hon. Walter Runciman. WATCH THE COLD. I If colds in the head could be cured and I prevented a large sum would be saved in a year in the city—Dr. E. Holford Ross. KEEN COMMERCIALS. I I have never known a keener bargainei than a shipowner or a more hard-hearted person than a dock director.—Mr. Ben Til. lett, M.P. TRUST IN OUR CREDIT. I Before the war the number of those hold- ing- Government securities was 340,000; to. day it is well over 20,000,000.—Sir Theodore Cli timbers.
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Eight soldiers were killed and four in- jured by an explosion of hand grenadoa at Rheims. Spanish official reports state that Raisuli (the notorious brigand) has once more been "completely" defeated. Whortleberries picked on Devon moors by cottagers' children are making- 2s. a pound. To boil the water for the children's Peace tea at Hit-chin the council's steam roller was used. Two English lad'es, Miss A. M. Dobson and Miss E. de S. Preedy, who for over three years have boon serving under th( French Red Cross, have just received the Croix de Guerre and the Medaille de la Reconnaissance Francaise.
I CLUB WINDOWI
I CLUB WINDOW On most rivers social amenities are less restricted than is customary on terra. firma —aquatic sports lend themselves to this. And, of course, houseboats and punts are synonymous with gaiety. But things have almost reached the limit on some parts of the Thames, and one or two scandals are likely to come to light soon. A prominent police official states that certain quarters have been under special observation. t Rumours are about to the effect that giggling during' the marriage service has developed to such an extent recently among brides and bridegrooms that several London vicars absolutely 0 decline to conduct mar- riage ceremonies, preferring to hand them over to their curates. A registrar said that frequently he has to interrupt the service and severely admonish couples who want to treat it as a huge joke. No wonder the Divorce Court is busier than ever before. Naval men are much interested by rumours of a big autumn demonstration on the part of the United States fleet. Ostensibly it will take the form of a record "Joy Cruise" for all hands after the arduous work of the war, but the real object, it is whispered, is to impress certain countries with the strength of Uncle Sam's post-war Navy. « Time was when it was "fashionable" to go to the Continent for rest and medicinal treatment, but "out of evil cometh gocd," ..& the war has taught us to realise and appreciate the many health resorts which we Britishers are fortunate in possessing, resorts which rival successfully any of those Dn the Continent so much boomed in fire-war lays. To only mention one case in point. Harrogate for long has been rightly known as the Queen of British Spas, and to-day its popularity is greater than ever. Crowds throng the popular Stray, the hotels (with their exceptionally fine cuisines) are crowded with visitors seeking health and recreation from the famous baths, the golf- links, and other attractions. The dansants a.re given regularly each week. and alto- gether as a Society retreat Harrogate is blushing with pride. V «- Mr. Booth, the Metropolitan magistrate, relates an incident, with an amusing sequel, as to how he caught a highway robber who had stolen his gold watch. "At the Ses- sions," said Mr. Booth, "the thief declared that I had stolen the watch, that he had run after me to catch me, and that when he did so I had thrust the watch into his pocket and arrested him! Fortunately for me, that story was not accepted by the jury." # One hears some astounding things ccn. cerning the wages at present paid for un. skilled labour in the Royal Dockyards. It is about time that the taxpayer, who foots the bill, pressed for details of expenditure in this particular department. He would very much like to know, for instance, if it is a fact that at Devonport Dockyard men whose only job seems to be to trundle a barrow—and that not too rapidly—are re- ceiving anything from £5 to £10 a week. What have our West-country readers got to say on the point? Not many people are aware that over sixty men and women patrols are out in London every night looking after the morals of soldiers, thousands of whom are abso- lutely friendless, and fall an easy prey to the female vampires who ply them with doped cigaretes, drinks, and even fruit, and then decoy them to der-s of vice. One of the women patrols from Canada states that she and her companions were simply appalled by the state of London's streets at night. But perhaps her knowledge of her own country "after dark" was not of the profoundest. # Mr. W. M. Hughes, the Premier of Aus- tralia, who recently completed a big wheat deal on behalf of his country, tells this story about himself: It seems that he was walking home one evening when it began to pour with rain, and, being unprepared for the deluge, Mr. Hughes stepped into a door- way to wait till the storm had passed. A few r oments later a small boy hove in sig1t. sporting a mammoth umbrella. Hugh' decided to ask if he might not share it till he reached home. Accordingly, when the urchin came within speaking distance he stepped from the doorway, crying: "Hey, sonny, where did you get the umbrella?" "And," says the Premier, "I don't know whether he was just frightened or hi a guilty conscience. Anyway, the lad just gave one yell, dropped the umbrella, and ran away as fast as he cculd, leaving me master of the situation—and the umbrella." » The trials of the touring company are many, but few can have experienced the unhappy position of one lot of strolling players, referred to by Miss Phyllis Dare, who is doing quite well in "Kissing Time," at the Winter Garden Theatre. According to Miss Dare's story, when the curtain rose at a matinee performance cf an unsuccessful comedy there were fifteen people in the audience. In the front of the > ouse there was only a young girl in the second row, whilst in the first row of the balcony sat one young man. As the leading man spoke his first line, "The sea is purple; have you, too, noticed it?" the voice of the young man in the balcony responded, "I don't know about the young lady down- stairs, but I can s-ee it very nicely up here." < e The Prince of Wales, who, having just re- covered from an attack of influenza, has leen rusticating for a few days at Brighton, is not one, like the princes of old, who lives a life of lazy luxury. Modern princes take matters more seriously. Here is a typical day 'in his life: Seven o'clock, rise. Light to nine, breakfast. Nine to ten, heavy cor- respondence. Ten to twelve, public engage- ments, interviews, etc. One to half-past two, luncheon. Three to five, public en- gagements and visits. Five, tea. Six to seven, work in library. Eight, dinner. Naturally, the programme varies, and the Prince is an enthusiastic sportsman when he is free of engagements. A good deal of his time is taken up with the business side of his estate, the Duchy of Cornwall, from ivhich he diaws about 150,000 a year. Last year he spent half that sum on benefiting the estate. Lord Leverhulme tells the following story as illustrating the uselessness of merely negative criticism. A friend, he said, who was interested in cheap food for the people, opened a, palatial fish shop and invited various persons to look over his marble- slabbed depot. Over the front was painted in white letters on a black background, "Fresh Fish Sold Here." The first friend criticised the sign, saying, "Of course, your tish is fresh." So the' proprietor painted out the word "Fresh." Then the next critic found fault with the word "Here," because obviously the fish was not sold elsewhere, so off came that unnecessary word. A third visitor objected to "Sold," saying, "Did anybody suppose he would give the fish away?" Now only the word "Fish" was left on the sign-board; but, alas! the fourth critic said this was needless, and on the pro- prietoraskiug why, the latter replied, "Why, man alive, I smelt your blooming fish "before I turned the corner The Rev. H. W. Webb-Pcploe, -who Te, cently created a big sensation by his re- marks 011 the speedy end of the world, has been Prebendary of St. Paul's Cathedral since 1893, and has numerous stories to tell concerning the famous building. One that he is fond of relating concerns a lady who was standing gazino- up at the facade of the imposing edifice, rapt in admiration at its grandeur, when an engine crossing the bridge at the foot of Ludgate Hill emitted an ear-piercing whistle. Startled out of her composure, the lady exclaimed impulsively, "Oh, how horrid I wonder why Wren built his Cathedral so near the railwuy"
IEPITOME OF NEWS. I
I EPITOME OF NEWS. I The Spanish Cabinet has resigned. Two more Hun Notes have been received by the Supreme Council in Paris. Three Hun T.B.D.s jshore in Baltic parted from their tugs in a storm; a tug foundered. 0 <:> New Mediterranean Commander-in-Chief is Sir John de llobec:, who succeeds Vioe- Admiral Gough-Calthorpe. An Anti-Prohibition League has been formed with offices in London. General Smuts lunched with the King and Queen at Buckingham Palace. 0 Russian Bolshevists have formed a "Rosa Luxemburg Regiment." Mr. W. Shepherd, of Clapham Park, builder and contractor, left £ 600,316. The base of Cleopatra's Needle, injured by a Zeppelin bomb, is being repaired. Birmingham dairy workers and milkmen threaten to 6trike for £3 and a 47-hour week. France is claiming £ 40,000 indemnity for the murder of a French sergeant in Berlin. Two detonator sheds blew up in Berlin, smashing windows for miles. The Pope has appealed to Lenin to release the aged Roman Catholic Archbishop of Mohileo. The "London Gazette" formally records the promotion of the Prince of Wales to the rank of captain in the Royal Navy. The censorship is to end at midnight July 23-24. Four cases of smallpox are reported from Woolwich, two of which have proved fatal. Eastbourne milkmen are to return to work on the employers' terms, pending arbitra- tion. J. The Prince of Wales will sail for Canada in the Renown on August 5. Lord French's early military instructor, Colonel Coghill, has died at 85. The Rome-London flight has been com- pleted, the Italian machine landing at Kenley Aerodrome, near Croydon. Mr. James Gray, Dalkeith, has given £ 1,000 to found bursaries" for education of promising poor boys. The Military Medal has been awarded to Miss S. A. Valentine, V.A.D., for gallantry in tending wounded under heavy fire. A defective electric circuit caused an out- break of fire at 38b, Curzon-street, Mnyfair, which is in the occupation of the League 01 Nations. Percy Davies, D.C.M., Gloucester Regi- ment, "collapsed in the dock at Preston when sentenced to three months' imprisonment for theft. Field mushrooms sold at 3s. 6d. a pound at Manchester. The price is a record. The Army demobilisation figures up to last week w-ere -officers, 121,615; other ranks, 2,897,029. Twenty-five persons were injured in a collision between two tramcars at Scraing, near Liege. The cost to the London Corporation of admitting the Prince of Wales to the Free- dom of the City was jE344 3s. 9d. Charles Ernest Hutchings, aged 14, and his brother, Francis James Hutchings, aged nine, have mysteriously disappeared from Kennford, a village near Exeter. Queen Alexandra's suggestion that the title of the Soldiers and Sailors' Families' Association should be amended to include airmen has been adopted. Rev. Enoch Salt, treasurer of the Wes- levan Methodist Connexional Fund. died after a short illness at Croydon, at the age of 74. A dozen ships' crews on the Foreign Registrv of New York Harbour have struck for the equilisation of all wages on the high seas. Vast forest fires ha.ve broken out in Ine Var Department of France, and £ 40,000 acres are burning. Verv successful results are anticipated from "the attempt to salve the German fleet at Scapa Flow. The Admiralty has placed contracts with the Liverpool Salvage Asso- ciation. The Italian Legation in Brussels has been raised to the status of an Embassy. A demonstration by unemployed outsido the Melbourne Parliament House led to a conflict with the police. East Prussia is now affected by harvesters' strike which started in Pomerania. The movement is a political one and troops have been sent to deal with it. Marvlebone Old Town Hall has been sold to Messrs. Debenham and Freebodv for £ 27,000. The site for the new hall was bought for X39,200 and the building has cost ?73,168. The Spanish Cabinet has resigned as a sequel to the adverse vote of the Chamber. Thos. Blackman, aged 82, of Peter- borough, who celebrated his diamond wed- ding a fortnight ago, died suddenly owing to a fall from a ladder. A new museum has been founded in fierlin for the preservation of the flags and standards of the German Army. Councillor William A. Cadbury has signi- fied his willingness to accept the Lord Mayoralty of Birmingham in November. A discharged soldier who led a crowd of 600 and urged them to rescue a prisoner from the police-station was sent for trial at Llanelly. Sir Andrew McDonald, a former Lord Provost of Edinburgh, died at the age of 83. Over 5,000 cadets received commissions through Sandhurst during the war. The College Roll of Honour contains 3,274 names. Over 1,000 sheep and 100 cattle were drowned in floods in the southern part of the province of Buenos Aires. Nine deaths occurred in the collapse of the sugar refinery at Tirlemont (Belgium). After pricking his finger while picking gooseberries. W. H. Morgan, labourer, of Rugby, died from septic poisoning. Flights to Paris from Hounslow in Avro aeroplanes can be booked at short notice— single trip £ 60, the return £ 75. Lord Tredegar has given a pack of Basset hounds (14 couples) to the Tank Corps at Jiovington Camp, Dorset. The Food Controller gave permission for the supply of 301b. each of sugar and tea for a Peace Tea at Arlesey, Bedfordshire, but as this quantity is deemed insufficient the tea has been abandoned. The Bishop of Birmingham, president of the Public Schools Careers Association, has had an offer of scholarships of the value of XI,050 to assist the sons and daughters of officers of limited means. The Turkish transport, Rechid Pasha (4,458 tons), with Turkish oiffcers and crew, has arrived in the Solent carrying between 1.100 and 1,200 German prisoners bound for Hamburg. Georgetown, capital of British Guiana, is presenting an illuminated address to the officers and crews of ships 6unk by sub- marines during the war while crossing be- tween Guiana and Great Britain. In connection with Sir Alfred Butt's Victory Loan prize scheme, Mr. S. B. Joel invested S;5,000 in each of the fucds at the Adclphi, Gaiety, Empire, Palace, and Vic- toria Palace theatres, making C25,000 in all. Speaking at the unveiling of a war memorial at Linton House School, Holland Park, the Bishop of London said: "I am not one -of those who try to seek communi- cation with the dead. I don't believe that it is meant, or that it is authorised, or right. A lover of Box Hill, near Dorking, has given a peace gift of tl,000 for further land to be added to the estate. The committee welcomes further gifts, and will consult donors as to the best means of commemorat- ing names. Subscriptions and a note of the donor's wishes should be sent to the Secre- tary of the National Trust, 25, Victoria- 6treet, S.W.I.
[ FUN AND FANCY. I
[ FUN AND FANCY. "Good morning, madam, I've called to tune the piano." "But I never sent for a piano-tuner." "No, madam, but the lady next door did." "He makes five thousand pounds a year as an aviator." "And yet people say you can't live on air." Harry: "I can make a worse face than you can." Dorothy: "So you ought Look at the one you've got to start with." Magistrate: "Did you caution the pri- soner in the usual way when you arrested him?" New Constable: "Yes, yer worship, three times across the head." Patient: "Doctor, why does a small cavity seem so large to the tongue?" Dentist "Just the natural tendency to exaggerate, I suppose." He: "Did you love me when you first saw me?" She: "Oh, 110. I had to get used to you first." Tommy: "Father, what is the difference between fact and fiction" HLs Dad: "About the same difference, my son, that exists i)- tween a woman and her photographs." The Girl: "I admire that pianist's linis^i. Don't you?" The Man: "Yes; but I always dread his beginning." A discouraged counsel remarked to the Court: "My poor client is little likely to get justice done her until the judgment- day." "Well, counsel," said the judge, "if I have an opportunity I'll plead for the poor woman myself on that day." Your honour will have troubles of your own upon that iay," replied the other. Mrs. Jones: Can't stay long, Mrs. Green. I just come to see if vou wouldn't join our .mission band." Mrs. Green Heavens, don't come to me I can't even play a mouth-organ Life is terribly uncertain. Even the hours of a clock are numbered. "Darling, I have decided to speak to your father to-night." "Oh, not to-night, Alfred. ] He has cut himself shaving, missed a train. broken his glasses, a.nd lost an umbrella—all since this morning." Hogg: "Does your daughter play upon the il.iio Fogg: <, Xo: sh wcrh: upon the piano, and plays upon my nerves." Sentimentalist: "Isn't it pleasant to see a light in the window fu3 you draw near home?" The Practical One: "Not at three a.m. "A man is never too old to learn," ob- served the Sage. "No." replied the Fool. "But he is often too young to realise it." Reporter: "What made you a multi- millionaire?" His Victim: "My wife." Re- porter: "Ah. her tactful heln?" His Victim: "Nothing like that. I was simply ClIJJom, to know if was any incline she couldn't live beyond." "Miss Oldbird keeps me guessing. I never know what she is about. "Oh, she's about forty-five." Maid: "No, madam. I never break my word." Mistress: "That's the first thing you ha vent broken since you've been here." Flush: What about the rent of a place like this? I suppose the landlord asks a lot for it?" Blush: "Yea, rather. He's always asking for it." Lady: "So you are on a submarine? How interesting! And what do you do, my man?" Sailor: "I runs for'ard, mum, an' tips her up when we wants to dive." She: "That wretched tramp I just gava something to said he belonged to the Wood- workers' Union." He: "That was probably before he joined the Wouldn'tworkers' Union." A DToitwich sailor has been fined X2 for stealing 271b. of goose feathers. Another tar and feather case. Actor: "The audience applauded me to one man." Friend: "Did he come in on a pass?" "Who?" "The one man Now that Canada is to levy a tax on the 1 unmarried, people are wondering whether it will caiis,, a revival of the movement H join the United States. One can buy ten shillings' worth of almost anything new for thirty shillings. A Thames bargee is said to have earned £ 480 in a little less than six months. It is estimated that this works out at just over IJd. a swear. Aunt Maxtha: "Jennie has married a man who plays poker. Isn't it dreadful?" Uncle John: "It isn't half as bad as marrying a man who thinks he can play poker, but can't." He (gaily): "Fine day, isn't it?" She (frostily): "Sir, you have the advantage of me! I don't- know you." He: "H'm! I fail to see the advantage." Griggs: "Popularity depends upon how we treat our friends." Briggs: "Yes, and how often." He simply would not take "No" for an answer. At last she was thoroughly exas- perated. "No," she rapped. "I wouldn't marry you if you was the last man on earth! I don't want nothin' to do with you. Is that plain English?" "It's plain enough," said the suitor, very cheerfully, "btl,.t it isn't English, you know." 111 IH
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OUR LONDON LETTER.
OUR LONDON LETTER. I [From Or Special Correspondent. ] I London. Never in all its long experience of pageants and precessions has London wit- nessed such a sight as the triumphal march of the troops of the Allies last Saturday. Considered merely as a spectacle the thing was superb, and the setting was worthy of it. Decorations along the. line of route were on a generous scale, and, what is more to the point. were in most cases arranged with excellent good taste. There was uni- versal praise of the Memorial to the Fallen in Parliament-street. That plain white block, crowned with a wreath of laurels, ex- pss with a fine simplicity the reVE-n Dee and the remembrance that mingled with all the rejoicings of the day. The Allied leaders and the troops under them were given a more than royal reception. There was a warmth and fervour in the cheering such as I have never heard before, and throughout the day the sailors and soldiers were made much of wherever thev went. Of the great choral and musical events in the I parks, of the wonderful display of fireworks in the evening, of the amazing goodwill and imperturbable humour with which the average Londoner suffered himself to be carried whither the crowd would have him go, of the great rushes of the day to get to seats or good standpoints along the line of route in the morning and to get home again later on-of all these and numberless other incidents of this eventful day there is no space here for lengthy mention. Let it suffice to say that the official ceremonial was worthy of the occasion, and that London demonstrated anew its worthiness of the men whose sacred memories, glorious deeds, and safe survival is celebrated with healthy gaiety and heartfelt gratitude. THE PREMIER AT HOME. I am glad to know that Mr. Lloyd George has derived much benefit from the rest which he has taken in his Welsh home at Criecieth. The saying that "a prophet is not without honour save in his own country" is not verified by the attitude of Wales to its greatest and most illustrious citizen. Whether it is that the Welsh people understand the psychology of Mr. Lloyd George, or whether it is sheer admira- tion for what he has done, I know not. but one thing I know, and that is that the affection of Wales for the Prime Minister is only equalled by his affection for Wales. Evidence of this mav be found in the pre- sentation made to the Prime Minister at Criecieth the other day. It consisted of a silver model of Criècieth Castle, embel- lished with enamelled views of places notable in the Premier's personal history. The presentation took place on the Borough Green, and -%v-i, of a homely, neighbourly character. Replying to speeches made on this occasion. Mr. Lloyd George declared that he had no despair a bout the future. He is sure, he said, that the spirit that en- abled us to get through the overwhelming difficulties of the last nve veirs will pull us through smaller difficulties. It often seems to me that the Prime Minister's unflagging confidence is among the most serviceable of his many contributions to national order and progress. I THE MFVERS' WAY. The decision of the miners at Reswick- a decision which it. is hoped will not he final-not to respond to the appeal of the Government with regard to increased out- put and no strikes for a fixed perTod means that the Gs. a ton increase on coal will have, to go on. The miners came to this decision in direct opposition to the ad vice of their most sagaeious and experienced leaders, and it does look as though the Miners' Federation intended to take up an attitude of selfish indifference to the interests of the community as a whole. I do not believe that these Federation- decisions adequately or accurately represent the views of the rank and file of working miners. It does not require much intelligence bo see that organised Labour cannot afford to divorce itseTf from the support of public opinion. Any selfish adyantages which it may gain by a kind of hold-up of the community must inevitably react to itri iown disadvan- tage. We are all members one of another— a fact that some Labour extremists seem as ready to forg-et at one time as thev are to insist upon it at another. SWANSEA EAST. A friend v.ho was at Swansea during the by-election that was fought there recently tells me that the Labour platform was a perfect study in cha-os. The Labour candi- date was supported one night in one part of the Division by Mr. Smillie, who de- t fended direct action, and in another by Mr. Bric, who denounced it. The candidate himself was thus put in a cleft-stick, for he could not take sides as between these two distinguished Labour leaders. Conse- quently, according to my informant, it was quite impossible for any elector in Swansea East to know whether, if he voted for the Labour candidate, he was voting for Par- liamentary action or an industrial revolu- tion. In these circumstances it is antici- pated that a good many level-headed trade unionists will be shown by the result to have voted against the Labour candidate or not to have voted at all. The marvel to me is that Labour does not see that it cannot run with the hare of Bolshevism and hunt with the hounds of Constitutional Government. As Mr. Clynes has pointed out, there is every prospect that this ten- dency towards direct action will split the Labour Party more hopelessly than it was split by the war. Labour cannot expect to win seats until it has mad £ up its mind whether it is "out" for progress along orderly lines or for anarchy. In the absence K>i stronger leadership than at present obtains the average Labour man is in the position of the gentleman in the song of whom it was said that "'e doa't know where e are." INCOME TAX ABATEMENTS. The decision to double the wife-abatement made to smaller income-tax payers, and to increase substantially the abatement in respect of children is one that has been very generally welcomed. I have not noticed that it has been pointed out, however, that this boon is more generous since the Roval Commission is at present sitting to inquire into and report upon the whole question of the assessment and collection of income-tax. lhis Commission is not likely to report for some time, and no legislative effect can be given to any of its decisions at least before the Budget of next ,ear. The Government, tnerefore, has gone out of its way to show that it is not uuaware of the somewhat heavy burden which the income-tax has im- posed upon the small middle-class man with a young family, and has provided for the relief of that burden to some extent ?n the current year without prejudice to any other or further relief which may come as a re- sult of the Roval Commission to which I have referred. A PEACE STORY. I have heard a good many stories of the way in which Peace has been received and celebrated in various parts of the countrv. None of them, I think, equals a tale which comes to me from a Berkshire village. A gentleman there resident encountered out- side his house on the day after Peace had been signed one of the "characters" of the village, a waspish old man of feeble frame and ferocious tongue, whom we will call Tommy Biies. (That is not his name, although it would be a verv suitable one) Well, Tommy," said fommv-s o-enteel neighbour "so 1)ea?ceI 6igned at last." retorted tv aged rustic. -?rea<?-e' \W? hat.. the good o' Peace? It's ram we wants."
[No title]
LQ?JTED terms of py for R.A.F. officers have been approved by the Government. Que,stiou,:>d n Lou t "the new Centre Party," Mr. Lloyd George had nothing to say. General Pershing lunched at Buckingham laiace with the members of the Roval Family. Mr. H. £ Stilgee, Birmingham Citv sur- veyor, is to be chief engineer to the Metro- politan Water Board. Mr. H. H. Hum- phnes is to succeed him.