OUR SHORT STORY. I THE LADY SLAVEY. I By CHRISTINE ASHLEY. I "I often think money doesn't; bring hap- pinesSJ" said Mrs Markham with a sigh She was a commonplace person and gener- .;ally indulged m commonplace, rcllections. Mr. Markham, who had recently" rmule his pile," was irritated ivitil littr. and her two daughters despised her. "Our money came at tho wrong time," said Gertrude "Wo iiadn't got it long enough to enjoy it I "There's nothing' to s pend it on now. agreed Maude "Wove never had a real house-party since Dad bought the lowers, ind at; for a dance "Strikes can't Jast for ever," snapped Air. Markham. He was thinking that everything would be better when Tony came homo troni abroad, and that was exactly the sa.me thought which made Mrs. Markham pur.c sadly out of Die French window over the broaid acres that belonged to her husband, 4triving to keep the tears out of her eyes. "What's the good of money when you're worrying night and day for news that doesn't come" clie said 1o herself. Things have gone wrong ever since we got rich. Dad wasn't anything like no irritable when he went to business every day. She sighed dccplv, because it had cost her a greatdeal to hhed the vulgarity her daughters complained of. and to learu to behave in the way Dad and the girls thought suitable for the wife of a man with an estate and iive-ligure income. Tonv had never ceased quarrelling with Dad after the money came. He would never behave like the heir 1o a great pro- perty. He proferrcd his old ways and his old friends. It ended in "the deuce of a row" between father and son, and Tony cleared out 111 a rage. "It.s been a miserable time," she thou -,ht. "What with the servant worries we never guessed how difficult servants would be when Dad bought the Towers! We were much better off when we just kept the two—cook and Eva! I've never had -another parlourmaid like Eva, never She "wasn't happy here, either! Always uns.et- tied. "Mother!" said Maude Markham. I, Do attend a minute! Listen! Now that I'm home from hospital and Gertrude's got leave, and so many people we know are in England just now, why shouldn't we try to enjoy ourselves a little bit? if we collect a few joJly people, just for a week-end, is there any reason why we shouldn't have a dance? Mrs. Markham longed to plead "ser- vants," hut she did want her daughters to have anything they asked for, and 6he thought just for a week-end they might manage. Mrs. Markham went downstairs and liter- ally implored her stafT to do their very best. "Just for three days! she said in a tumbling voice. "ArId-and afterwards 1 will ask your master to—to raise all your Wli Iles But so little use is money that two days before the guests were expected three of the five maids left. A quarrel that started about th" lame footman, a discharged soldier tem- porarily engaged, began it. So they left that same afternoon. Not all t liL- mtster's money, they declared, would induce them to (spend another mght under that roof! "I'll get one from somewhere!" sobbed Mrs. Markham. She rummaged in her desk until she fouad Eva Brown's address. Eva had left soon after the arrival at the Towers be- cause her parents needed her. Eva was a splendid servant. If she was still at home 'Mrs. Markham promised hereon that she would implore Eva, bribe T'jVa> ki^ dnap Eva ,to help her ()ut of the ditlicilltvl She set out for London immediately. In -twent.y-four hours the guests would- be arriving. But-would she have gone if she had known as much about Eva as Tony Mark- ham did? II. 11 Eva was Tony's wife. He had fallen in love with her (and no wonder) while Dad was just a middle-class, business man, and Mrs. Markham was happy enough in a red-brick villa with two servants. While Eva was still keeping him at arm's length, Dad made his pilo, bought the Towers, and expected his family to live up to it. Eva was one of the reasons why Tony wasn't pleased with the change. It made it still more difficult to tell Dad the truth. Eva hadn't admitted her love for him un- til ho had told her he was leaving the Towers for ever, and that he was going1 abroad. I "I never wanted to be the kind of chap Dad' expects," he said. "I just want peace And comfort and—and you, Eva Won't yon marry me, darling? So Eva said yes, and agreed that it was of no use to make still more trouble by telling the family of their love. She left the Towers to go to her parents, though she minded leaving Tony's motherly mother very much. She was very fond of Mrs. Markham, and she understood something of the suffering it, was coting bor to tihc-d her vulgarity so late in life and to learn to be a lady. Perhaps you can guess what Eva thought when she opened the door and saw Mrs. Markham in satin and sables btanding on the steps, smiling her uncertain smile, with a pleading look on her fat, motherly face. "Oh! said the girl in a frightenea whisper. "Oh—how very, very kind of you to come, ma'am She was just going to add that she had .believed Tony's mother would never forgive .her, when she was interrupted by Mr*. Markham's rush of words us she brought out her request. You are the only maid I've had who -didn't irritate the master," said Mrs. Mark- ham pathetically. "I couldn't trust a stranger, Eva, not with the butler so deaf and the house so understaffed! And the young ladies will be so disappointed if the party doesn't go -off well." "I—I don't think I can, ma'am," Eva said haltingly. "I really don't think I can! I'm very sorry indeed, and I'll do my best to find someone eliie-but I cau't come! "But it's you I want, Eva!" said Tony's mother with tears in her eyes. "It's bad enough to know that the housemaids arc in. competent, and cross over the extra work. and—and all the rest of it! To have trouble over the waiting at table—oh! I feel I must just run away from it all, I'm so tired." She forgot to try not to be vulgar, and so she left off being commonplace. Instead, she was just pathetic. "Why won't you oblige me, Eva? I was always fond of you," she said. Eva grew absolutely crimson to the very roots of her soft brown-gold hair. For a moment she wanted to say "why so badly that she could scarcely keep back the words. She knew exactly how Mr. Markham and the voung- ladies would take the news that Tony had married the par- lour-maid. "Please!" said Mrs. Markham softly. Then she saw the plain gold ring on Eva's hand; "Why—you're married!" she said. "Yes, ma'am." said Eva. "He's abroad. 'I'm Mrs. Miles." be "M"y poor child, how lonely you must be! "Yes," said Eva, and her grey eyes were wet too. I "Mr. Tony—you remember Mr. Tony? began his mother. < But she couldn't manage to eay any more just then, so she just assumed that Eva un- derstood that they were anxious about Mr. Tony. Like her son, she had always noticed that Eva seemed to "understand" things. "Still," she said after a pause, "that needn't make <any difference—you being married, I mean! Won't you come all the same, And somehow Eva couldn't go on refus- j ing. It seemed to her that Tony's mother .had enough to bear without servant troubles—at any rate during that import, I ant week-end. With. Eva's advent all went smoothly. She seemed to have a gift of understanding the peculiarities of each of the other ser- vants, even the impudent page-boy. If Tony was here I should be happier than ever I've been since Dad left off going to business every day," thought Mrs. Mark- ham. They were, at dinner—dinner which cook had managed so successfully that it seemed as if the shortage of meat and butter and sugar was a matter of taste. No di.-h would haro been improved by the addition of any of the three. The butler's deafness was not noticeable because the pretty parlourmaid "understood and knew how to make him understand. Directly after dinnc the guests began to arrive for the dance in the beautiful picture gallery that contained pictures of other people's ancestors. "I wish, Tony, you were dancing too!" said Tony's mother, watching tHe happy throng. Downstairs the servants were at supper. Eva was enjoying jelly and fruit-salad and all those kind of delicacies like any other healthy girl—but like Tony's mother she was wishing that Tony could be there to enjoy them too I It was the page who opened the door in answer to a double knock, and took in a l i les. telegram addressed to "Miles." Mrs. Miles took it with a hand that shook and was as cold as ice. The servants stared curiously. It was a queer time to have a telegram, anyway. Then he departed. The page poured him- self out w-onie lemonade. Entirely from habit, because he was feeling so uncomfort- ably sympathetic, the deaf butler began to sharpen the carving-knife. He had taken a fancy to the nice young woman. who had come to wait at table, because she under- stood her business. The pretty young woman had the tele- gram in front of her and was reading it— or appeared to be reading it-over and over again. "Sorry to inform you Arthur Miles dan. gerously ill." Eva's mother had wired. Across Eva's distracted mind flashed a picture of a fat, motherly face, and trem- bling lips that had tried to tell her about Mr, Tony"—and failed. I She gal"e a dry Htl Rob, and CM of tL: flighty ° m^ids fcigot to be flighty, and ran to put her Arms round her. But Eva didn't give way. She wanted to get to Tony, tc see him once niore, if it really were to be only once mo-re. She clutched the telegram in her icy h-iid and went quietly upstairs. The servants thought she was going to tell the mistress that she must go at once. < Eva made her way to the room where Mr. Markham was playing bridge. She was white as a sheet and trembling all over, but nobody noticed that when she informed Tony's father that "someone wanted to see him on urgent business in the library." She then returned to the library and un- pinned her cap and her muslin apron. Plainly garbed in black, she stood waiting until he appeared in the doorway and raised his bushy eyebrows .interrogatively. "Your son is dangerously ill,' said Eva softly. "I had the telegram just now- sent on from London. Here it is. There's no time to lose. I—I I "Yes—you? said Mr. Markham sharply. "Where do you come in?" He was no fool. Even in the agitation of the moment he knew who she was. "I'm his wife," said Eva briefly. "But never mind about that now. You can blai,%c me afterwards if you want to. The wire savs dangerously.' I want to see him—°h, lIdo want to see him! Will you telephone? Will you find out where he is? If-if they Ccyi't* bring him home will you-help me to go to him? I love him—you can't want him to—to die alone—without me The telephone was in the library. First and foremost Mr. Markham was a business man. He started his inquiry be- fore he said any more to Eva. He lost his temper, and shouted so loud that Mrs. Markham, who had come in search of him, heard. She would have fallen to the floor if Eva had not caught her. By the time Mrs. Markham was in bed some more particulars Were forthcoming. The "dance came abruptly to an end. The guests departed, and the house-party made arrangements to disperse next morning early. Eva went back to London that night, and everybody, including Mrs. Mark- ham, believed &he had gone home. But next morning she went with Tony's father to a narrow hospital cot in which lay Tony Markham, III tIe had not recognised "either of thexL1 when first they stood beside his bed. That was very hard to bear-for both! A lfoctor entered. His face was enough to tell them that the news was good—not bad. When they returned to the bedside, seme few hours later, and found that Tony was expecting them, with a soul alive and awake behind his boyish blue eyes, Dad suddenly found that he was oddly fond ot Eva, and that he had forgotten she was a servant. And he was so glad to have a living son, that he didn't remember what a born fool Tony had always been about his money and his position. Nothing seemed to matter very much with Tony imiliii- into his face and thanking him so fervently for bringing my wife to him "And mother-docs she know?" Tony asked. "She knows you're ill, but she doesn't know—about me," said Eva. We'd better wait for you to tell her yourself, my boy. I'm afraid it will be a bit of a blow," said Dad. "What do you think? Tony asked Eva. Eva smiled. "I think," sTie said shyly, "flat I'll tell her myself as soon as we get back. I want to nurse her—and somehow I don't believe she'll mind very much." Mrs. Markham was a very much happier person about her son's marriage, and the money came in, very useful in various ways. Still, it must not be forgotten that Eva was a very exceptional parlourmaid, nnd a quite incomparable wife.
I FUN AND FANCY. Tom: "And you whispered your proposal to her?" Harry: Yes, but not quite low enough. She heard it! Novice: "What club shall I use, caddie? II Caddie: "Well, I reckon a dustpan an' ;rush would be about the thing for tou, !Ila,am. Tom: "Wasn't she annoyed when you called on her with a four-day beard on your facer Dick: "Yes; she said she felt it very much." Lily: "She refused him because she waa sure he would propose again." Milly: "And iid he?" Lily: "Yes. But to another girl." Percy: "Y cs, I judge others by myself, don't you know." Miss Marie: '"Really! But isn't that rather a low standard of judgment? Mistress: "In the time it takes me to tell you how to do the work I could do it mv- self! Matilda Jane: "Y ee'm. And in the time it takes me to listen to vou, so cotild I Patient: I wish to consult 7oti with re- gard to my utter loss of memory." Doctor: r. Ah, yes! Why—er—in case, of this nature [ always require my fee in advance." She: "I trust, Jack dear, that our mar- riage will not be against your father's will?" He: "I'm sure I hope not: it would be mighty hard for us if he should change it." Anxious Pa/^nt: Doctor, my daughter appears to be going blind, and she is about to be married." Doctor: "Let her go right Dn with the wedding. If anything can open her eyes, marriage will Y ou u, 4ed to say Wife (complainingly): "You used to say before we were married that I was a dream." Hub: You were. A dream is something that one wakes up from and discovers that it wasn't so." Counsel (after the conviction): "I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you." Prisoner: Don't mention it, guv'nor. Ain't five years I en,cii-h" "MY little brother has fallen downstairs and hurt his nose." "Well. don't cry," said the kind old ladv. "He'll get o? r it." N o. he won't; the bridge is broken." Teacher: "Who can tell me a thing of importance that did not exist a hundred years ago?" Little Willie: "Me!" "I say, Sandy," said Jock. handing back his friend's photograph, "when ye had those photos taken, why didna ye smile? And those pictures costing me twal shil- lin's a dozen! replied Sandy; "are ye crazy, mon? Purchaser (who is selecting a wedding gift): YeF. 1 rather like that. What is the title?" Picture Dealer: "'The Coming Storm '-it would make a splendid wedding present." Wife: "What's the trouble between Mr. Benson and you?" Husband: "Oh, he in- sulted me! "What did he say?" "Called me an old fogey! "Don't mind him. You're not so very old, dear!" The teacher, visiting the families of her pupils, entered the garden of one of her bright hopefuls. "Good morning, Tommy said she. "Ic your mother at home?" Yes," said Tommy savagely: that's why I'm working in the garden! She: Qreeu has got another She: "Mrs. Green has just got another new 11Iít" and I He "My dear, Mrs. 3reen has to have new hats. If she were as pretty and attractive as you she wouldn't have to depend on the milliner so muci." Remember. my son," said the father, "that politeness costs nothing. "Oh, I don't know," returned his hopeful. "Did vou ever trv putting Very respectfully yours at the end of a telegram? First Gossip: "\Y ots th' woman next door to you like? Second Ditto: "Hawful hignorant! She's been in th' street a week longer than me, an' don't know anythink about th' neighbours yet." Husband: "You spend altogether too much money." Wife: "Not at all. The trouble is you don't make enough." j? :——— ,;r1 Irate Sergeant: "Want yer ticket,, do yer? And ain't yer been in the Army long enough to know as it's a soldier's dooty to cultivate patience? Patience with a capital P. Now be off; a.in't got no patience with the likes o' you:" Emma: "Aren't vou worried because you don't know where your husband goes when he is out late at night?" Maria: "Not nearly so much as I would be if I did know! r "Have you any references?" asked the prospective mistress. Shure, ma'am, Oi have two hundred foine ones! replied the applicant proudly. "Two hundred! How long have you been in service? "T? years, ma'am." ?p • J The Optimist (assisting man who slipped on a banana peel): "Swearing will not help matters, my friend. Why, no matter what happens, I always smile!" The Victim (grimly): "Well, it's lucky for you I didn',t sotice you."
THE WAY J1 TO BE STRONG :hpei!: Ph:I!SS I a more urgent necessity than ever a in these times. Health is essential ¡ to all who would maintain that high j| efficiency which is increasingly in P demand. Physical fitness aud all £ that the term implies—vigour, I energy, activity, a sense of well-being and a capacity for hard work or full f enjoyment—can only be realised if = the digstive system is ound and i- healthy. The way to be strong is so f easy that it is astonishing how many f people miss it. You have just to I keep your digestive system in good L order and you will rarely be ailing. F It is, therefore, well to renitmber I that, in the great majority of cases, a | good digestion can be ensured by the E use of Beecham's Pills. This famous R medicine will strengthen the stom, U | ach, promote appetite, stimulate the () I liver and kidneys, regulate the & r bowels and purify the blood. All B ( those who value sound and stable B | health will be well advised to take 1 BEECHAM'S PILLS. I l ^n bcie5^ labelled Is-3d and | t-————-— ,?
I DAY'S WATER CONSUMPTION. I At King's College, it was Etated in a re- cent lecture that, in making a ton of paper, anything from ten thousand to two hundred thousand gallons of water were used, ac- cording to the kind of paper. The amount of water that is used daily is • simply gigantic.. An express locomotive evaporates forty gallons of water for every mile of tranel, and our biggest railway company, the London and North-Western, uses for all purposes nearly four thousand million gallons of water a year. A trifle of ten to fourteen thousand million gallons of water is got through by the brewing industry in a similar space of time, which is perhaps equal to the total consumption of British railways. The amount used for putting out fires is very considerable, for London alone requires twenty-seven million gallons yearly for thit3 purpose. The average daily allowance, for all pur- poses, for each inhabitant of this country is forty gallons. That means that we require something like fifteen hundred millions of gallons each twenty-four hours.
During a police raid on Macrvom Sinn Fein hail. a number of young men. in- cluding Mr. McSwiney, M.P., were searched and some documents seized. Fishing on the Don, Mr. Fred Becker's water, Mr. Fred W. Bowater, of Londor, landed a 421b. salmon. While pushing a gun, with the muzzle towards him, under some straw in a cart. Cecil Hewes, a farmer's son, of Bavenstone, Leicestershire, had hi", right hand blown off. Six hundred books collected during many years were destroyed by fire at Mr. Neville Chamberlain's library at his residence in West bourne* Ed,gbaston.
PENSION PROBLEMS: HOW TO SOLVE THEM. I By AN EXPERT. I A Foot-Note to the Strike and a Plea foi Consistency The Lower Deck Parlia- ment-How Jack Airs His Grievances- The Repatriation of Canadian Soldiers and Their Dependents-The Position ol the Stepmother. FREE ADVICE TO OUR READERS. I When I call to mind the fact that there ar< a large number of demobilised men among railway workers, I ieel sure that they could not havj realised a tithe of what was implied to the community by a lightning strike. If they had recognisoo what hard- ship and inconvenience such a step would bring to disabled comrades and to the dependents of the fallen. I am sure they would have insisted upon having their dis- pute about wages settled by negotiation. There is one outstanding consideration that all of us have to bear in mind. The signature of our country has been affixed to the League of Nations treaty. We have plighted our word to the world respecting the principles underlying that compact, made with the solemn determination to prevent future wars. The principle which we are pledged to support enthrones nego- tiation as the means of settling interna- tional disputes, and lays it down that even if negotiations fall through, there shall be an interval of three months before war is declared. As a nation, we have to be consistent in all our actions at home, or the world in general will suspect our sincerity when, in international affairs, we declare that all disputes must be settled by the exercise of reason. That lesson must be learnt in the industrial field, or the home fires for which the boys suffered to keep turning will be extinguished by anarchy. Let us reason together as reasonable men, and always bear in mind the fact that the interest of the nation as a whole is greater than the I interest of any one section, however power- I ful. « Arrears of various kinds have accumu lated in the work for which the Ministry of Pensions is responsible, as a conse- quence of the strike. There is nothing to be gained by enumerating them—in fact, I would forget this unhappy thing which came to pass. Whatever the pensioner's difficulty, instant resort should be made to the Local Committee. Finally, let us re- member that we are all in the same boat, and that if it capsized disaster would over- take everyone on board, and not merely a few men in this or that class who may be disliked. For was it not said of old that we are all members of one body? < From all I hear, the moral of the Navy was never before so good as it is to-day. This splendid feeling has been largely created by the various reforms brought about by the present Government. For instance, the Lower Deck Parliament, as the Naval Welfare Committee is called, was formed with the object of enabling men to represent their views direct to the Admiralty This Committee recently con- cluded its sittings at Portsmouth. As a result, an Advisory Committee of eighteen Lower Deck ratings, chosen from members of the Welfare Committee, will assemble at the Admiralty at an early date. In this way, such grievances as may arise will be explained to the authorities by men who are personally familiar with them. While I am on the subject of Jack's in- terests, I wish to call attention to the fact that men discharged from naval service should register themselves under the National Registration (Amendment) Act, 1918. Paragraph 4 of the instructions on the back of the protection and identity certificates issued to men on their dispersal is cancelled. < As there may be Canadians, or friends of Canadians, among my readers, I publish the following information for their benefit, but the notice does not in any way refer to men who have taken their discharge in the United Kingdom. All men of the Oversea Military Forces of Canada, who have been granted indefinite leave and are waiting repatriation to Canada with de- pendents, ohould eoipiouHieate immediately with the Officer Commanding No. 1 Cana- dian Discharge Depot, Button, Derbyshire. The Capadiaa Government have decided that free repatriation for the dependents of members of t? Qyema Military F~r:es Of Canada, will 'hot be carried out after December 31, 1919, except in those cases where a statutory declaration is produced to show that it was impossible for those concerned to proceed to Canada before that date. w w • It It is still not known as well as it should be that a permanent pension may be granted, subject to the conditions of the respective Royal Warrants applying to parents' pensions—to the stepmother of an officer, or a soldier, killed in action. The condition for this issue is that she has been in the place of a parent to the officer on soldier, and wholly or mainly supported him for not less than one year at some time before the commencement of the war. I ♦ Dont worry. See your Local Committee. j ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I A. E. (Bayswater).-When the regional organisation is complete—rapid progress is being made with it-medical appeal boards will be set up to decide appeals against as- sessments of the amount of disablement by medical boards. Ask your Local Com- mittee to advise you whether this has yet ibeen done for your area. If not, you had better accept. P. F. (Herne Bay).—Provided you fee: your health is permanently impaired as a consequence of active service, you should see your local War Pensions Committee, end no doubt they will have you medically ( examined. A disablement pension, how- J ever, is not awarded as a recognition of patriotic service, but as some compensation for physical impairment caused by war service. S. H. (Deal).—According to the new scale, you appear to be assessed at 30 per cent, degree of disablement. You do not (mention children's allowances. Are you not receiving 2s. 3d. for the first child, and Is. lOd. for each of the others? If your pension is not yet permanent, state your case at your next medical board. E. H. (Faversham).—36s. 8d. is quite correct. The adjustment of the pension and children's allowance to the new rate is made on the renewal of the allowance book. Arrears are paid without application. Our Pensions Expert is anxious to assist sailors and soldiers and their wives and de- pendents in dealing with intricacies of the War Pensions System. Address your queries to "Pensions Ex- pert," c/o Editor of this paper. All essen- tial facts should be stated as briefly as pos- sible, such as name, number, rank, regi- ment of soldier, name and rating of sailor, particulars of families and separation al- lowance and (in inquiries concerning civil liabilities) pre-war or pre-enlistment in- come, present or war income, and full lia- bilities. Do not fiend any -documents, birth. certificates, or discharge papers, etc. Will correspondents please make a point I of sending their regimental number, rank, Rame, and regiment?
William Herbert Fish, scaffolder, died wliile working at Buckingham Palace. Champion Pavlova, the famous borzoi bitch belonging to Mr. Arthur Ashton, Newcastle, which won more than 400 iirst prizes, has died.
CLUB WINDOW. I It 8 very difficult to prophesy what turn Parliamentary events will take this year, but it is clear that by the early part of next year Mr. Lloyd George will have dis- 2overed whether the "new world" is to be constructed with or without him. Mr. Lloyd George, with considerable shrewdness, keeps the Washington Ambassadorship up his sleeve, while knowing M.P.s offer to bet that he will not be in Parliament at the tnd of the present year. A change of Government, whether by his resignation or by his defeat at the polls, would not neces- sarily affect his position in this matter. The Premier is distinctly persona grata at Washington, and doubtless Mr. Wilson, if need arose, would signify the same in the usual manner. < The gentleman who is responsible for the running of the London-Pans air service, Mr. G. Holt Thomas, who. besides being an ex- pert in all matters relating to aviation, is an enthusiastic motorist, loves to tell the story of the youngster who took his old mother, up from the country, for a trial spin in his new car through the London streets. To show off his skill as a driver the youngster made many turns, and at the proper times extended his arm as a turning signal. The old lady watched the proceeding for some time. Then she craned her neck ankp looked at the sky. "Bill," she said sternly, tapping him on the shoulder, "you just tend to your driving. It don't look like rain no-how, but if it should come on I'll let you know." Of Lord Beresford the following yarn is told:—Lord Beresford was a great friend of King Edward, and the intimacy of their friendship may be gauged by the following telegram, which Lord Charles sent to King Edward when he suddenly found himself tin- able to be present at a private dinner to which he had been invited: "Can't furn up. Usual lie follows by post," Yoa, p'raps; p'raps not! To Lady Cynthia Colvjlfe is attributed the following govd tory pf two little Eaet- End boy«, The two lads had picked up a dog somowhere, a sorry looking mongrel, which they agreed to own jointly. Now, Billy," said the elder boy to his younger playmate, "we've got this dog in partner- ship, and half belongs to each of us. We'll call one end mine, and one end yours, and you can have which you like." "Right-oh!" said Billy. "Now," continued the other per- said Billy. "will you have the front end, with the eyes: and the ears, and the mouth, and the collar, and the teeth, or the rear end, with just the tail." "I'll take the front end." "All right; you will have to feed him then." Quite a romantic career is that of Lieut.- Colonel Robert Hanbridge, who has just retired from the Army after nearly 52 years' continuous service. The Colonel is proud of the fact that he started life as an errand- boy. "At my first job," he says, "I was paid one shilling a week, and given some tood for twelve hours' work a day." On his sixteenth birthday he took the King's shil- ling, became a gunner, and rapidly rose from the ranks. It was a .glorious life, he says of his ranker days, "although we didn't have much money." It is said that someone offered Gabriele D'Annunzio, Italy's greatest living poet and aviator, whose recent raid on Fiume caused such a flutter, < £ 3,200 for a series of lectures in South America "Thanks," he replied, "I have no wish to brave the ocean for a box of cigars." The reply was typical of the man who writes his poetry clad in a robe of cloth of gold, and whose stock of fancy waistcoats and neckties is the envy of the Beau Brummels of the world. His real name is Tommaso Rapagnetta, but he changed it for the present one, which means "Gabriele the Messenger." < <. The geophone, a "listening" device in- vented by the French to detect enemy sap- ping and underground mining operations, and for ascertaining the position of the enemy artillery, is now being used by the Canadian Bureau of Mines as a possible aid in establishing the location of miners who have been entombed after a disaster. The instrument was developed by United States engineers during the war, and is now used by the bureau according to plans drawn by these engineers. The instrument, though small, is essentially a seismograph, Two men were discussing the subject of economising the other day at lunch. "Why do you live in the country?" the first man asked. "So as to economise," the second asked. "Grub cheaper, eh?" "No, not much cheaper. I can't say I do much economising along that line." "How do you do it, then?" "Well, you see in the country t, are no theatres to spend likittey on. There are no jazz teas, no opera, and no opera suppers, no taxi-cabs, and no distractions or amusements of any kind. Do you get the idea?" "Sure, old man, sure! But here's a suggestion for you. Couldn't you do a lot better if you died?" I Many theatre-goers will ba aware that Mi". Martin Harvey studied elocution in his youth under the famous John Ryder. "John," eaya Mr. Harvey, "was a bit of an autocrat, and would never admit that he was in the wrong. One day, while we were reheardng a Shakespearean play, he com- plained that the claps of thunder—' pro- perty claps, he imagined them to be-were not loud enough, whereupon a voice from the back replied, 'It ain't us, sir; it's the AlrHighty's thunder.' 'Well: retorted Alfflighty, 'is t's not good enough Eyd er ir Charles Parsons, of turbine fame, tells a good story concerning a certain learned professor who shall be nameless. He was (explained Sir Charles) very absent-minded. One day he saw that his wife had placed a fine bouquet of freshly-cut flowers on his desk. "What does this mean, dear?" he asked. "Why, don't von know!" she ex- claimed. "This is the anniversary of our wedding-day." "Ah, is it indeed?" he answered politely. "Kindly let me know when yours comes round and I will recipro- cate." w During tha present autumn a crop of London night clubs will open their doors, some of them with a clientele more or less hardly above suspicion. The "Cheiiiin" craze may not be as widespread as it used to be, but it still has thousands of devotees in the West-End, and the authorities know of many houses where regular play takes place. Women, by the way, are taking to racing in great numbers these days, and not always I with the happiest results. One of the mem- bers of a turf club was called on the other day to pay over £1,400 which his wife had lost in two days at meetings near London. He paid-with a warning to the bookmakers concerned that it was for the last time. )
An Army Order states that all re-etilist- ments of serving soldiers for two, three, or I four years for over-seas garrisons and re- I serves at home have now ceased, as the numbers required have been obtained. Baron von Eckardtstein, formerly Coun- cillor of Embassy in London, professes to show in a book which he is writing that be- tween the years 1895 and 1901 the ex-Kaiser and Prince von Buiow rejected a number of offers from the British Government to form I an Anglo-German alliance. That miners should decline to pay income tax, owing to the Government's refusal to raise the exemption to C250, will be moved by South Wakw miners at a conference of the Miners' Federation. I' The D.S.O. has been awarded to Major (tempy. lieut.colonel) Henry Ernest Lavie, attached 13th Battalion Yorkshire Regiment, to whose personality and power of command the entire lack of success of enemy attacks made on his front in North Russia are prin- cipally attributed.
EPITOME OF NEWS. President Wilson is better. President Poincare visits London or November 10. Lord Jellicoe is on his way to Fiji. Swansea trawler men, after a month'; strike, rejected employers' new terms. British are reported to have occupied Urusa (Asia Minor, 75 miles from Constanti- nople). Basuto chiefs are due in England shortly. "Bill-poster, must be a Gi't. man," is an at a West London labour ex- change. Rainstorms have flooded Southern France Ilford Council had only one application for a lady doctor as assistant medical officer. Paris theatre strike is over, actors obtain- ing satisfaction. Mr. Digbv Cotes-Freed y has been ap- pointed Recorder of Smethwick. Broadstairs' istreet lamps are not to 'he lighted on moonlight nights during coal shortage. Mr. J. T. Francombe, a retired school- master, will be Bristol's lord mayor. Hendon rates arc to be increased from 3s. Id. to 3s. 7d. in the E. The commercial submarine Deutschiand is moored in the Thames opposite Cleopa- tra's Needle. It is understood that railway companies will extend season tickets for a period equivalent to the strike. Guildford's oldest tradesman. Mr. R. Shillingford, 81, was married to a bride of 69, by a minister aged 93. "The only customer who got a full half- pint of beer was the barmaid's husband." —An insp tor's evidence in a case at St. Pancras. Warwickshire cattle removal restrictions are withdrawn, and in Dorsetshire modified. At Swansea docks, hydraulic power fitters and smiths ceased work over wages dispute. Among 22 new J.P.s for London are the assistant secretary of the N.U.R. and a com- positor. Several Derbyshire and Leicester collieries are advertising for sale coal stacked during the strike. Mr. J. Martin, of Government linen fame, has gone to America on "urgent and im- portant business." Before letting the town hall for boxing exhibitions, Hull corporation is inquiring what other councils do in the matter. Professor L. F. L. Oppenheim, WTiewcH professor of International Law at Cam- bridge, has died. Many Swansea public-houses were closed, having nothing to sell as a result of the railway strike. Anatole France, the celebrated writer, will be a Socialist candidate for one of the Paris seats at the French elections. 406,000 have voted in favour and 282,000 against the prohibition of alcohol in Nor- way. Nearly all the votes have been counted, and a great victory for the Prohibitionists is assured. Despite increased pay, 20,000 longshore- men (says a New York nie--siige) have gone on strike, delaying trans-Atlantic sailings indefinitely. While ascending a steep incline a tramcar Dn the Burton and Ashbv Light Railway ran backwards and overturned, injuring several passengers. Emergency restrictions on ships' bunkers have been removed. Rev. C. Grierson, Dean of Belfast, has been elected Bishop of Down, in succession to the Archbishop of Dublin. Since the British on April 16 forbado strikes on the Rhine, there has been little trouble. Sentences of imprisonment, with degrada- tion, of fifteen to five years have teen passed by a French court-martial on six of the crow of the battleship France, who mutinied in the Black Sea. While in his bath, Mr. Richard Budgett, of Guildford, and head of the firm of James Budgett and Sons, sugar merchants, London, had a fit, and was found dead. Nearly 1,800 North Riding elementary school teachers have Low been on strike for fourteen weeks. Mr. William B. Pullar, until recently a director of Robert Pullar and Sons, Ltd., dyers, and an intimate friend of Ruskin, has died at Bridge of Allan, aged 76. Food committees in West Wales protest against the milk prices fixed by the Food C:c;1!r. 'Farmers admit that the flat rite is excessive for rural areas, and they would have gladly accepted a lower rate. A West-End agent stated in court that since March the market in flats has gciiel down. For conducting his house as a. gaming and betting house, Frank H ebb urn, licensee of the Lord Kitchener public-house, New Barnet, was fined .£50 and 10 guineas costs at Barnet. Mr. Jack Jones, M.P., speaking at New- port (Mon.), accepted the Premier's title of Prussians for Labourists, and said he hoped thev would become as well educated and organised as the Prussians. H.H. the Gaekwar of Baroda has ar- rived at Marseilles from India en route fcr ?ajis I During ? otrtKc L.C.e. hams carrlea about 2,50C/J<? t?'Mcngers a day, nearly 500,000 more than Usual. Judge Reginald Brown intends to resign his position as Judge of the East and Mid- Cheshire County Courts, a post he has held for many years. In recognition of the war services of Old Etonians, the War Office Trophies Com- mittee has presented a German field gun to Eton College. Walking on the footway at Middlewich II married woman named Burke was knockeA down by a lorry and died from a broken back. According to the Berlin wireless the first German merchant vessel has reached America. After inspecting a sanatorium at Fort Qu'Appelle, the Prince of Wales left for I Winnipeg. All the dead trees in Ealing's parks and I highways are being cut into logs in order to eke out the coal supply. M. Paderewski is in London. A general strike has been proclaimed in Lisbon. N.E. Railway Company propose to build a bridge across the Tyne. Dr. H. F. Holland, who is over 90, I nfferod his services to the Godalming Civic Guard. Mr. Will Thorne, M.P., is 62. Lord Milner leaves for Egypt next month. Isle of Man is to spend X30,000 in de- veloping fisheries. Postal tubes, measuring in all over ten miles, are for sale by the Disposal Board All soldiers on leave or absent from units on duty arc to receive ordinary civilian rations. A Trade Board has been established for the women's clothing trade. Mr. Asquith's post poned visit, to Aberyst- with takes place on Octolwr 31. Southampton Channel Island service has been resumed. Sixty thousand men are still idle in South Wales" as result of railway strike Lady Belmore, widow of the fourth earl, and niece of Mr. Gladstone, has died, aged 77. Ten of her 13 children survive. A private builder has completed at Clap- ham a house which is believed to be tno first newly-occupied house since the armis- tice. Miss Maggie Duggan, the once famous comedienne, nas died at Liverpool, aged vèl. To place in order properties in Germany which he wishes to keep for his children, the ex-Crown Prince, it is stated, will re- main ten days at Amerongen.
[ALL RIGHTS RBSZBVXD.] After Thirty=Seven Years HOW WALES BEAT ENGLAND IN AN INTERNATIUNAL MATCH. By THE "WANDERER." Away back in the year 1S82 a team of tht chosen of Wales defeated a representativt all-England eleven by fiye goals to three Ever since that day thirty-seven years age the representatives of Wales have been try- ing to repeat the feat, but they never sue eeoded until last Saturday, when Englanc went under by two goals to one. Moreover, only once in that long stretch of years havf Wales been good enough to run the English eleven to a draw, and this they did at Wrexham in 1904. No wonder there is re- joicing in the Land of the Leek. I No Excuses Accepted. Moreover, you won't get much satisfaction out of those who indulge in wild shrieks oi delight by telling them that this wasn't a real Internationa!—that it was onlv a Victory match, and that it does not go down in the official rcc-ords. I tried this excusc after the match at Cardiff last Saturday, but it didn't go down a bit. We have beaten your men, I was told, beaten them fair and square, because we put in the field a superior eleven to that which your team selectors could produce. And the rest of the reply was drowned in a rousing "three cheers for Wales." A Worry Over the Future. Explained away as you like, this defeat of England by the representatives of Wales is not a cause for rejoicing in the English camp. No doubt, as I said in these columns a week or two back. a better English team could have been chosen, but, on the other hand, Wales might have been stronger too, and it is quite certain that the English selection committee thought they had a team which was good enough to do pretty well as it liked with the best Wales could turn out. But there was a rude shock in store, for Wales fully deserved her victory, and in that lies some cause for worry about the real Internationals which will come along in due course. I don't think the aVonee cf Ball in the second half made any real difference. Over Forty-But Not Too Old. The English forwards never really got going, and although Puddcfoot scored the only goal with a very fine shot I am not yet convinced that he is an ideal centre- forward to hold together a line the majority of whose members are comparative strangers to each other's stylo. All things considered, of course, the most remarkable man of the match was Meredith. Seeing him flash round the England defenders. it was indeed hard to believe that the Welsh wizard from Chirk first kicked a football in top class company as far back as 1891-, and that during all that time he has been one of the leading outside rights in the British Islee. You must remember, too, that in the d.ayt3 when Meredith first turned out the players were not mollycoddled as they are in these times. A Story of'Meredith. I At Cardiff, before the match on Saturday, for instance, "William of the Toothpick" re- j minded me that 25 years ago he played in a match for Manchester City against Preston North End after having worked the whole of the Friday night in the coal mine, and that after the match he went back and worked the whole of the following night without going to bed at all. Yet our players in these day say they don't feel like playing football after a six or seven hours motor run in luxurious cars. Fhe Hanti of Fate. I And hiisn't fate a way of playing strange tricks? The directors of Boiton Wanderers would atot release Vizard and Jennings to play in the Victory International for Wales. So Vizard and Jennings went to West Brom- wich instead, and the Wanderers lost by four goals to one. The substitutes in the Welsh team were at the same time enabling their side to beat England. Can you beat it? as our American friends would ask, A Match-Winning Man. i Apart from the rather heav y set-back I' which Bolton Wanderers received, and which sent them tumbling down the table, the Firt Diyision games on Saturday fol- lowed rather an ordinary course. True the Arsenal rather sprang a surprise by winning at Everton by the odd goal in live, and i scarcely looked for a win by Newcastle on the ground of the Bradford club. Much of the success of the Arsenal was due to tht opportunism of the ex-Brentford man, White, and when he is in his best form he is good enough to win a match almos t with I his own boots* I North and South Going Strong. The clubs in the north-east had a great day, for Middlesbrough and Sunderland alsc brought off victories; aLd at the other end of England—in Londoa-fhe clubs of the Metropolis also added to their storehouse of points, only one side in the First and Second Division dropping points, and in this case—tije Spurs v. Orient game-two Lcn- don clubs were in opposition, Xhir^s are, j^'cLed, Iccki: up -in London, for thE Ars:iia liave ascended to the upper half of the League table, and Chelsea are only a trifle further down; while in the Second League lottenhalif jlc-tapur are high and Lea-Tie Q dry at the head, ana tbtt'. nearest neigh. bours are Fulham, a side which has come on remarkably well of late. Then, in the Southern Leage, a London club has also ascended to the leadership for the time being—Queen's Park Rang ers having dis- possessed the Portsmouth side from that position of eminence. I A Wild Scene at Tottenham. I Incidentally, London will just about go football mad if their clubs go on showing form like they have done during the past few weeks. I am told that there were amazing scenes on the Tottenham Hotspur ground last Saturday, for instance. The gates had to be closed upon thousands of would-be onlookers, although there must have been well-nigh 50,000 inside. Then these spectators were worked up to such a tremendous pitch of excitement during the great North London "Derby" that Bliss, the Tottenham Hotspur inside-left, who scored the goal which won the match for the Spurs, was seized by the onlookers immediately the final whistle went, and carried off the field shoulder-high. Yet a week or two ago a leading London newspaper gave quite a lot of space to what they called a fact that I spectators were less inclined to cheer and to- go into raptures than they were before the war. That newspaper seems likely to be called upon to eat its own printed words in the near future. Hard Grounds Not Relished. I The successes of the awa-v-from-home teams was a notable feature off the Second League games, Fulham, West Ham, Hud- dersfield, and Barnsley all getting two points off the opponents' ground without so much as letting those opponents score a single goal. Meantime, some of the players are looking forward to the time when the grounds get a little less hard. Playing pitches like iron are much more trying to the muscles of the players than are grounds renuered comparatively soft by rain.
Weighing nearly 601b., a marrow at Henley-on-Thames Agricultural Show was 2ft. iiin. long and 4ft. 9in. in circumference Brigadier-General Jadwin, U.S. Army, who it was reported had been executed by the Bolsheviks, is safe inside the Polish lines asrain. Aged twelve, Lewis Morgan wae at Neath, Glamorgan, remanded on a charge of wound- ing Wilfred Lewis, colliery mechanic, by stabbing him in the chest with a pocket knife. The organisation of the new Citizen Guard for the Metropolitan area has been entrusted to General Sir Edward Woodward, under the direction of the Commissioner of Police. Out- side the London area the organisation is under the general direction of Sir Edward Bethune.