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HUMOUR OF i HE WEEK. The other day a morning paper gave particulars of "the will of Lady Florence Dixie, who died intestate." Our Little Ones' Cosy Corner.-Lady Visitor (to Charlie, aged eight, who has been turning somersaults on the lawn): Why, Charlie, you're quite a tumbler! Charlie: "Then I s'pose baby must be a wineglass." Extravagance continues among the lower classes. 11 A carpenter summoned on a separation order explained that his wife was a travelling pawn- ticket," and would pawn him if she could. Prob- ably something resembling a floating debt. "I am rather I" Your fare, miss," said the conductor of one of the new motor 'buses to surpassing loveliness, who, blushing just the least little bit in the world, said Yes, I am rather." Not to be Found. The village doctor, being a locunr tenens, fond of grand phrases, told a labourer's wife to give her husband his medicine in a recumbent position." The woman, after the doctor's departure, went through the village trying to borrow a recumbent position"! Arid their neighbours, rather than confess their ignorance, all assured her that she should have had theirs if only they had not lent or lost it I Fancied He was a Motor-car. The ignorance of the general public with respect to motors and their habits is painful (says a writer in the Globe "). The other day a man went mad in an Australian town, and fancied that he was a motor-car. We read that he began to run about wildly, and under the impression that he was travelling at the rate of sixty miles an hour, dashed repeatedly into trees, fences, and walls." If he had studied the ways of motors more carefully before trying to be one he would have found that they rarely charge into walls at the rate of sixty miles an hour, and never twice in the same day. Particular I A spirit of meticulous accuracy of speech is one to be encouraged, even if it is occasionally to one's disadvantage. A Grantham woman, convicted for the hundredth time of travelling without a ticket, was stated by the station-master to have pos- sessed threepence in coin. "Liar!" she replied, with honest warmth, "I had tuppence ha'penny." Judicial Ignorance. In the Law Courts. Norman v. Norman: WitneEs did not think Mr. Mason was wearing a bicycle suit on December 3." His Lordship: What is a bicycle suit ?" Mr. Barnard: I think it generally in eludes knickerbockers." After this "Who is Connie Gilchrist?" sinks into absolute insignificance. A Polite Little Chap. A school teacher instructing her classes in grammar wrote this sentence on the board for correction: The horse and the cow is in the lot." No one seemed to know what was wrong with it, till at last a polite little boy raised his hand. What is it, Johnny ?" asked the teacher. You should put the lady first," corrected Johnny; No Lasiguager. "I am not a languager," said a Portsmouth councilior at this week's meeting, in speaking of the difficulty he experienced in understanding a minute. Did he mean linguist ? Dubious Compliment. Tell me what stage succeeds the 1 jolly stage of intoxication," said Judge Addison to Mr. Scar- lett during the hearing of a Southwark County-court case. "1 don't know that I can call an expert on that point," replied counsel, but I must say your honour has exhibited a wonderful knowledge of these things." ..1 The Best Bed. H. E. S. writes The following story of a conversation heard at Gore Farm last week has a pathetic as well as a humorous side, and throws a light on one of the many difficulties with which the authorities have to deal in their endeavour to cope with the spread of notifiable infectious illness -• Fetchin' your kid 'ome, are yer ? That's like me. 'As my plice been disinfected ? Yaas, but yer see I 'as it done like this: When I knows they're a-comin' to disinfect I tikes my nice noo bed out of the room and puts in an old one I've 'ad for years, an' I've allers kept it for this sort of job. Spoil my nice noo bed ? Not 'art." A Coachbuilder's Confidences. Amusement was occasioned at the Bloomsbury County-court during the hearing of a claim for damages done to a cab, the plaintiff, a coach- builder, not only charging the defendant E6 for the damages done to the vehicle, but also 24s. for two weeks' hire of a cab. Judge Bacon Come, come. Surely if I send my brougham to you to be repaired you would lend me one to use while you were repairing mine, with- out charging me for hire. Plaintiff (confidentially): Well, you see, your Worship, it's this way. You might think you was being lent a brougham, but you may take it from me you would be charged for it some other way. (Laughter.) Judge Bacon: You really mean to tell me that the coach-builder would add half-crowns and crowns to the various items to the account for the loan of the brougham ? Plaintiff I rather think that's exactly it, your Worship. (Laughter.) In a Hurry to be Tried. In the case of Luigi Camevali, charged with forgery, application was made to postpone the trial until next sessions, as the prosecutor was ill in Italy, and the prisoner being asked if he had any objection to the adjournment said, I should like the case to be tried at once, as if I am to remain here another month I shall be ill also." (Laugh- ter.) What the Parrot Said. Here is a parrot story which is both new and true. A venerable and pious lady, inspired to enthusiasm by a dealer's emphatic declaration that a parrot he had could sing a hymn," paid what he demanded for the gifted bird; and took it home in triumph. She invited a party of friends of a cast of mind as serious as her own to hear the parrot's rendering of the hymn; When all had assembled the covering was withdrawn from the cage, and Polly," opening one eye, looked round drowsily. What a crew she murmured, quietly, and went to sleep again. Fiat Justitia. A county-court judge said a day or two ago- history does not appear to have recorded his name, and we can, therefore, spare his blushes: "We lawyers, though we have a bad character, care more for justice than for money." M'yes that's what we always thought was the etiquette of the Bar. It is only the unfortunate suitor who has paid a large fee to have his case argued, and finds bis counsel engaged on another and more im- portant case at the same time, who thinks other- wise but be, of course, is not of any aceount. Smart Place, Birmingham I Two Scotland Yard detectives have had a curious experience in Birmingham. They visited the Midlands to shadow some shady characters who haunt metropolitan race- courses. Having time to spare prior to racing, they strolled round the chief Birmingham thoroughfares. On returning to New-street Station to book for the Birmingham Racecourse, one officer found his handsome presentation gold watch missing. His pocket had been picked.



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