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OUR SHORT STORY -

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OUR SHORT STORY WITHOUT POLISH. The general was in a terrible rage. He fumed and roared, and now and then, it must be confessed, he swore. For ten years or more the general had been a captain of commissary at various posts in the western part of the United States, and often he had taken long trains of waggons loaded with supplies across miles of sage bush plains crossed by deep rivers. Sometimes the waggons would sink to the hubs in the deep eoft mud of the river banks, and the fervid oratory required to persuade the hard- hearted army mules to use their best endeavours in pulling the waggons out of that mud had made the general a past master in the science of applied swearing. So on this particular occasion, when he lifted up his voice in the town of Joykeen and said things, the air round about fairly trembled, and the Chinese woman who was keeping house for the officers' mess down the street hurriedly pulled down all the blinds and hastily shut the doors. "Where is my secretary? I want my secretary!" roared the general. "Why, you know, sir," said the chief of the staff, in conciliatory tones, that your secretary is ill, and I have had a man detained from Company C of the 61st. He was a stenographer before he enlisted, and I believe he can do the work satisfactorily." "Send him here!" roared the general 06end him here while I dictate a letter that will curl that monkey's hair. I tell you that the American army is composed of gentle- men, and that those swine cannot insult us with impunity. I'll show them. They have insulted the flag we carry, sir. They have insulted the whole of the American people. I'll reply to their note. That long-eared Jackass! That pack mule! Talk to me like that!" "You know, general," said the chief of staff, meekly, that things are in a rather delicate position, and that a little ill-advised, although well-warranted action on your part might bring affairs to a crisis. If you will 'Permit me, I would advise that your letter be extremely guarded and diplomatic in tone." 'Tll diplomatic 'em!" shouted the general. "I'll show 'em! Where's that secretary." The chief of staff retreated, for he knew well tha.t his time for action came later on. The general always dictated what he pleased to his secretary, and then the secretary, who had been with the general for years, and the chief of staff would revise and expurgate what the general had dictated, and send a letter which, while it breathed all the firm- ness and clearness of the general, lacked the extreme candour and lurid adjectives which were so eminently characteristic of the general's western campaign experience. The old secretary was so accustomed to the general that he never expressed the tligrhtest surprise at the most astonishing expletives that the general calmly gave vent to while dictating his correspondence. The general, too, in long years had learned to put the most implicit confidence in his chief of staff and his secretary. He rejoiced that he could say what he pleased when dictating a letter, yet there were never disastrous consequences. He knew that, although he could fully relieve his pent-up passions and dictate a letter to those that had incurred his anger, that would, as he expressed it curl their hair," yet no one could ever say that a letter that bore the general's name was ever couched in other than the most polite and scholarly language. That was because the chief of staff and the I secretary revised and edited the general's correspondence with such exquisite care. I When the private soldier who had been detailed to act as the general's secretary while the regular secretary was ill had come in and saluted, the general pointed to the table and commanded: Sit down. Take this letter." The soldier sat down. He trembled slightly, for he was only a private, and had never before been brought into such close contact with generals. Start the letter." commanded the general. Yes, sir," said the private, hurriedly placing his paper before him and waving a pencil above it. "Who is it to, sir? I It's to the biggest jackass in this forsaken opuntry. Zonowitchky is his name. You know who I mean, boy ? That Bussian general." Nicholas Zonowitchky, I think his name is, sir," said the private, hesitatingly. Yes, that's it. Well, then, address it to General Nicholas Flaskowhisky, or whatever his name is. Put, In command of Russian troops at Joykeen.' Confound him! I'd like to take a shot at him. He's crazy. Crazy as a March hare. Tell him so. He is. He ought to know it. If I had a. mustang that didn't have more sense in a minute than he's got in a year I'd take the mustang down and throw him in the river. Tell him so. I mean it. Tell him I'll make what double-bleseed disposition of my troops that I please. Tell him to run his own miserable coffee coolers, and leave my business alone. Tell him to shave off his whiskers and soak his head three times a day, and get somebody to chase him round a ten-acre field with a club." The general was warmed up to his work by this time, and he was fairly surpassing himself. The new secretary trembled at the vigorous adjectives that punctuated the general's dictation, but he was a soldier whose first idea. was an implicit obedience to orders, and so, while he was appalled at the letter he was writing, which was to be sent to the Bussian commander, he could do nothing but put down what the general directed. Tell the doubled-dashed fool to put out his chest and brace up before he talks to his I' betters," screamed the general. Tell that tripled, quadrupled, conglomeration of idiocy that he ought to be put into a feeble-minded asylum for life. Tell him I wouldn't give him a job blacking boots. He hasn't the sense to curry a blind mule. Tell him so—tell him so. Tell him I said that if ever I catch him out- side his own lines I'll black his eyes and throw his front teeth in the river. Tell him to better humanity by kindly falling off the earth. 1 hat's all. And sign my name when you've done and take it over and hand it to that fool-killer yourself." And the general hurled himself out of the room and mounted his horse and galloped for ten miles to work off his temper. The new secretary sat for some minutes stupidly staring at his notes. Then he went to work, and when he had finished, the letter read: To General Flaskowhisky, or whatever your name is, commanding Russian troops at Joykeen: Dear Sir,-I would like to take a shot at you. You are crazy as a March hare. If I had a mustang that didn't have more sense in a minute than you have in a year, I'd take him down and throw him in the river. I make what double-blessed disposition of my troops that I please. You run your own coffee-coolers, and leave my business alone. Shave off your whiskers, and soak your head three times a day, and get somebody to chase you round a ten-acre field with a club. Put out your chest and brace up before you talk to your betters. You are a tripled, quadrupled conglomeration of idiocy, and you ought to be put into a feeble-minded institute for life. I wouldn't give yon a job blacking boots. You haven't sense enough to curry a blind mule. If I ever catch you outside your own lines, I'll black your eyes and throw your front teeth into the river;. Try to better humanity by falling off the earth.—Yours, &c., Samuel K. Knowlton, General commanding United States troops at Joykeen." The new secretary had mounted his horse, and at the moment the chief of staff was hunting feverishly for him he was delivering the letter to General Zonowitchky. The Russian general's translator worked for some hours with that letter. When be finally ¡ read his translation to General Zonowitchky I it is said that there was not a piece of furniture in the room that the general did I not break up. That night came an aide in hot haste with a letter from the Russian general returning the highly insulting and unexplainablo letter of General Knowlton, and demanding an immediate apology. When the general's chief of staff saw this letter he rushed into his superior's bed-room. This thing may cause war," he shouted. **You must retract your statement at once; why did you permit that letter to be sent without letting me know it?" The general sat up and rubbed his eyes. Tell him I withdraw the letter," he said. But I shall have to insist on its spirits, which means simply that I shall handle my share of the affairs here under instructions from Washington." Oh, why didn't you say that in the first place?" cried the chief of staff. The chief of staff took occasion to write a few neat sentences into the general's reply, so that when the Russian received it he was mollified and the incident was closed. The soldier secretary is back with his company. He was too literal," said the chief of staff.

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