Weekly Mail

EIFFEL TOWER BUN FLOUR. By using Eiffel Tower Bun Flour the mote inexperienced person can make Z^WBunsand «ith (^tain-success. Xrj Am

The lot of the amateur poultry farmer is far from a happy one. His life is chiefly made up of a series of disappointments from the day he places his first clutch of eggs in the incubator and lets the lamp go out to the day when he sends off the requiting batch of fowls to the market and hears that they were not delivered until putrid. It is so easy for the enthusiast about to embark on the perilous sea of poultry-rear- isng to sit down with a piece cf paper and proceed to work out a small sum on the fol- lowing linss:-Ioo eggs at a penny, 8s. 4d.; plaoed in an incubator equals, say (with mag- nanimity), 80 ohiokens; allow for five dying, equals 75; 75 chickens at 4s. each equals £15. It ie then necessary to deduct some small amount for incubators, food, carriage, &o., and you will probably find that a modest outlay of 8s. 4d. in the first place will show a clear profit of ielo in four months. CIBarly, then, it is only a matter of using more incu- bators and putting down more eggs to enable any man with a few shillings in his pocket to make a fortune in a couple of years or so. I started poultry-raising on a modest capi- tal in a charming spot in Surrey, and after wasting—through defects in my incubators, .&o.-some,thing like 3,000 eggs at 2s. 6d. per dozen (they are more expensive when one comes to realities), I finally sucoeeded in raising about seventy seedy-looking chickens. No sooner were they hatched than they set about the prooess of dying with eharming enthusiasm. In fact, they showed suoh keen- ness in their self-appointed task that they had reduced their numbers by one-half before I had had time to work out what I should realise by them should they reach a suffi- ciently mature age to fit them for the market. Then, when the dying craze was becoming unfashionable, and I was able to devoto my spare time to weeding the garden instead of digging graves, they started to disappear in the most remarkable and mys- terious manner. I did not object to their passing away peacefully with the pip or gapes so much, as that seemed the more or less natural course of events, but when half a coopful of birds vanished in one night without leaving any sign6 of their demise, I began to feel aggrieved. After making inquiries round the district, I discovered that the disappearance was pro- bably due to rate, and I put down some poisoned mwt, with the result that I found my watchdog stretched stiff and stark next morning, together with four ohickens and half a dozen luckless sparrows. In fact, the rats appeared to be the only creatures that had escaped scot free. I was then informed that it was a dis- tinctly "cute thing to blow up the rats' holes with gunpowder," and managed to success- fully shoot myself through my new green- house and demolish a chicken run, while the amount of damage to the rats' domicile would have been put right by any self- respecting rodent ho use^leoorator in five mifmtes. My next move was to employ a couple of men with ferrets, who put in an appearance the following Surbdoy-tbis, I afterwards learnt, is the day set aside for this perfor- maace. I cannot say I care for ferreting on the whole; it was not eo much the actual ferreting I objected to. nor the actual fer- reter, but the hangere-on who appear to invariably accompany the master of cere- monies-—the satellites that follow in. his wake. I had every desire to keep my morning's rat-banting quiet, as my wife has very strict ideas about Sabbath-breaking, and it' was, therefore, ratter annoying to see a crowd of bibulous-looking and eeedily-dreeeed indivi. duals, with bags, wire cages, and varminty dogs, enter my gate just as the parson went up tftelaoe on his way to oonduotlfcmne ser- vice. My wife's remarks on the subject stirred me into action, and I indignantly asked the reason of this gathering. The ferneter-in-chief seemed hurt at my crass ignorance, and more in sorrow than in an-ger inibated me into the etiquette of Sunday rat- ting. I reatised then that the local rat- catcber has the power to extend invitations to stfl and sundry, and ranks somewhat as an )LP.H. He brings Ms two whippers-iai, of coumse, and Bill, the potman at the local pul*.—you C8J)'t do without Bill, as he's got a nailing little terrier. So Bill turns up. Then there's Tom you can't leave Tom out, as he's Bill's cousin, atnd has a bull-terrier that might be some good for rats if he didn t prefer fighting with the other dogs. So Tom rolls up. Bob, too, must oome; he appears to have a reversionary interest in one of the I fbly he advanced a pot of beer on it at some remote date. All told we numbered ten men. fifteen dogs, and two ferrets; the latter, considering that they were the chief factors in the events about to take plaoe, struck me as being rather under strength compared with the numbers of non-combatants. In silence I led them to the end of the garden, and pointed out the habitations of the vermin whose death warrant was sealed. I understand, guv'nor," said the master of ferrets, as he plaoed his squirming ba,g I on the ground, where it was eagerly sniffed by all the dogs in turn, "the rats live in this ye'r 'edge and run across to the chicken onsee at night." Are you sure," I queried, nervously, "that their dwellings in the hedgerow are not con- nected with the poultry runs by subterra- nean passages?" giibterwhat? 'Ere, stow it now, truvnor," replied the rat-catcherr. "If you mean that theee *ere 'oles run underground so fur as the 'en-'ouse, you're wrong. I ain't bin rat- catching for forty year man and boy with- out knowing something about it. 'Ere, come orf of it," he roared, as the potman's terrier neatly extracted the caudal appendage from my Buff Orpington cock. He won't do them no 'arm, guv'nor," he added, turning to me. "but 'e's a bit playful-like." I maintained a haughty silence, and made haste to oollect the few remaining birds that the Tats had neglected, and placed them in the hen-house out of harms way. In the middle of my task I heard an alarming smash of glass, and turned to find that Tom s bull-terrier had chased my wife's Persian cat up a tree, and, in his efforts to reach her, waa jumping up and down in the wreck of my cucumber frame. Before I oould drive him off Bill's terrier had intervened, and a fight ensued in which both dogs got badly mauled. The diamage they suetained, how- ever was slight compared with that which they had inflicted on my tulip-bed, which, with wonderful foresight, they had selected as their priwring. When peace bad at length been proclaimed, and my wife persuaded to return to the house, the ferrets were placed in the holes, and in dead silence we grouped round with set faces and bludgeon in hand, awaiting the sudden rueb of rats. At the end of ten minutes it struck me that, my somewhat theatrical position, with lag-s apart and uplifted stick, was too thing to maintain for any length of time, and I gradually allowed my muscles to relax till, at the end of half-1 an-hour, I found myself seated under the hedge with a pipe in my mouth, vaguely won- dering when some sign of either rats or fer. 1 rete might be expected. During the interval that had elapsed since the ferrets were put in various individuals had turned up to augment the original party of ten. All appeared to hold watching briefs in the case, and they continued to arrive throughout the morning, the majority break- ing through my quickset hedge, which had taken me months to bring to its present state of perfeotion. Do you think it'll be much longer before the rate come out?" I ventured, timidly, at the end of a quarter of an hour. "Can't day, replied the rat-catcher shortly. Might come out any moment now. Suppose you ain't seen nothing of the ferrets your ei-de of the 'edge?" he remarked to the por- tion of our force that had been told off to ftotoh that part of the defensive position. No," roared a chorus of voices in reply, and, alarmed by the volume of sound, I peered over the hedge and found, to my horror, that the rest of the village were lying recumbent in the long grase of my hayfield. 'Spects they're laid up with some young 'u.ns," said the potman, sagely. Par too late in the year fer ferreting." I s'paøe the raw ain't killed the ferrets?" asked the boy from the milk-shop. Huh!" snorted the rat-catcher, "the raits ain't born yet wot'd do that." TWie bena are making a terrible noise," I interposed, anxiously. I suppose the rate haven't run oat into the chicken house." I told you onee," said tfce her that the holes didn't go that fur," and. abashed, I continued to smoke my pipe with- out further oommcnt till the cackling in the adjoining house became deafening. There's something worrying them hens," announced Bill, the potman, at last. "Your dog ain't got in there by any chanoe, la4s he, Tom?" "I'll go and gee," said L anxiously, as I scrambled to my feet. I wouldn't lose thoee birds for the world." AE I opened the door & cloud of feathers and dnst floated out, obscuring my vision for a moment, but when the air deared a bit I was able to distingnisi) my Buff Orping.; ton oook, the pride of my yard, careering round with a ramall white, animal on his back. On the floor lay a <fl«D dead bene, jrea*HBMl6 fcZBKt* -daartaiy^Din^f^ his way among the carcasses, sniffing each in turn with a view to making a meal off the most tender. Not wishing to feel out of it. I promptly added two more corpses to the pile. Then the rat-catcher entered with qeperity into the game, and, had it not been for the timely intervention of the potman, I have every reason to suspect tha-t my own corpse would soon have been added to the number. In the end I got off unjicathed by i' paying over the sum of ten shillings for the defunct ferlrets and tipping the remainder of the crowd liberally. Considering all things, I came to the con- elusion that the morning had been far from a SUCOOSti-my total expenditure in cash exceeded £ 1; my cucumber frame and tulip- bed were wrecked; my garden and hayfield trampled underfoot, while the remnants of my stock of chickens had been oleared off in a- most effootual manner, and yet not a single Tat had fallen to our efforts. I am still troubled with vermin-they kill my chickens, eat my corn, and generally flaunt themselves about my farm, but I leave them in peace, firmly convinced that the remedy is worse than the disease. +

HER GREAT IDEA. Ever since they had casually become acquainted at the Old England Hotel, Mr. Braile had managed to be down to breakfast at the same time a-s Amy Barrow and her father. To those who knew the novelist's way that would have seemed very significant. But there were none in Bowness just then to enlighten the pretty Amy or her father on this particular point. Still, girls have very disoeming instincte, and Amy was more intelligent than most maidens of twenty. It was, perha.ps, the intelligence in her that had at first attracted her to the clever novelist. Mr. Braile was about thirty, but looked a little older. Handsome was not the word you would have He-ed to describe him. Neverthe- less, ere they had been acquainted a week Amy came to think him the best-looking man she knew. He rowed splendidly, and seemed never to tire. Nor wa.s that all. Amy's father loved a game of billiards, and found Braile a capital antagonist. III fact, they got on very well together until a certatin morning. ¡ It was a regatta day. Mr. Bmile, in a striped blazer, was in the garden, looking at the yachts getting ready for the race. He was to have charge of Amy, alone. He was now smoking a cigarette and think- ing severely. Shouid he, or should he not? He wished he knew. But circumstances came and settled the matter for him. In other words. Amy her- self appeared in the garden, and she looked so lovely in the pale pink gown and straw hai, hung by its ribbon over her arm, that all Braiie's doubts fled like dust before a breeze. Miss Barrow," he said abruptly, "will you come into the summer-house? We can see just as well, and be out of the eun. Besides, I want to say something." "Something?" she inquired. "Yes. Will you?" No sooner were they seated than the young novelist opened his heart to the girl. Miss Barrow, I know nothing about you but what I have seen and learnt in a fQrt- night, and you know nothing a all about me. He coaghed and smiled somewhat anxiously. "That," he added, "is an academic way of confessing to you that I want nothing so much as to have you for my wife." "Oh, Mr. Braile! cried Amy, reddening; "if only I had known that!" "Known what?" Tiiat you were likely to thftik of me in that way." It would be odd if I, an unmarried man, were to think of you in any other way. I would do pay bft-t to make you very happy." But I cannot, Mr. Braile, indeed I can- not." Mr. Braile looked into the blue eyes, which were clouded with an expression of pain and —something else. There were even tears in them. Never had she seemed so beautiful. May I ask why?" he asked, and his voice trembled. Y«=. You have the right to know. I am engaged to my oousin Roderick, who is a mining engineer in Peru. We have not seen each other for eighteen months, but we are ¡ engaged. I am so sorry." MT. Braile started. "You are sorry-" he began. I But the girl stopped him. Please say nothing more about it," she urged. "And oh—if we might be friends just the E>ame!" The novelist's face took on all the stern- ness of which it was capable. Amy saw his I' lips twitch, and two furrows that were new to her came into his forehead. He turned and looked out at the lake. There was the old sunshine; but Windermere seemed to him 1\ just then an ugly pool. "Please, Mr. Braile!" Amy repeated. She held out her hand. Then the novelist turned again, stooped over Amy's fingers, and kissed them. "Friends, at any Tate I suppose," he mur- mured. But, but-" am-d he shook his I head sadly. But what?" I do not think. Miss Barrow," he said, that I can stand a Platonic friendship with you. That is all. However, one must I buck up. After all, it is only one disappoint- ment more. I hope he will be good to you. And now, if you like, we will go out on the water. I'll not say another word on the sub- ject. I promise you." I Aiterwards, when they were back at the hotel for luncheon, just as they were step- ¡ ping into the porch, Braiie stopped. By the way, there's a book I have left knocking about somewhere. Excuse me if I fetch it. Then it is peace with us eh, Miss Barrow?" Amy put her hand in his. "Indeed, I hope so," she whispered; arji yet her eyes drooped and the colour again came to her cheeks. I She hurried up to her room and lay down on the bed just as she was. She sobbed violently for many minutes. Not for half an hour was she able to dcetld to luncheon. Where s Braile?" then asked her father. She looked at his empty chair next to hers, and then at Mr. Barrow. I do not know, father," ehe said. But an obliging waiter, hearing the ques- tion, answered it. He sends you his oompliment6, sir. and he was compelled to leave by the two-twenty I train.' Well, what a confounded nuisance!" ex- claimed Mr. Barrow. The year that followed this memorable visit to the Lakes wa-s a sad one for Amy. Her cousin Roderick came home in Octo- ber. He had not taken the trouble to write to his betrothed to inform her of his impend- ing return. It was not, therefore, so very surprising that, when he was in England, he did not take the trouble to run over to Mapleton, where Mr. Barrow and Amy lived. The reason was, of couree, simple. He had, in fact, married a fair Peruvian. The young lady's father could lay his hands on a silver mine, eo he said, and persuaded the young engineer to believe. It was highly desirable that the property should remflin a family affair. Unfortunately, he himself wajs witv out money. .u- Roderick's visit to England was, in fact, a financial one. He was to borrow right and left, and, to do him justice, that is what he did. To tell the truth. Amy herself was not deeply distressed by her cousin's neglect of her. Still, it was humiliating to be thus jilted, and to feel th-at for months she had been frying to lov$the memory of a man who had given up even trying to love her. In the following December, however a worse blow fell upon her. Mr. Barrow was brought home one evening insensible. A clot of blood had formed somewhere in his system. There was little hope from the out- set, and in less than a week Amy vrae an orphan. This was a terrible ehoek. Moreover it was intensified somewhat by the news that her father had left debt-s greatly in excess of property. It behoved the poor girl to look to herself for a living. She began this by going to London. Here she obtained some meagre educational work, which left her free in the evenings Her evenings she devoted to the hard attempt to become proficient in the use of her pen. She wrote a novel—a commonplace mass of manuscript which eame back from every publisher to whom she carried it. In the despair that ensued as ehe looked back on what she held to be her broken, wasted life. the great idea struck her. She would tell the story of her heart; of her simple early life, and her cousin Bod^ rick's boyish devotion to her; of their engago- ment. and her love for him; of the change in her affections after a certain happy holiday by Windermere; of her cousin's heartless repudiation of her, and of tae mieecy tad blankness of soul that had subsequently come upon her life like a, cloud and a euxoo. She told that story, and shed not team over it. She wrote it night and day until she b"- finished it, eating and drinking and sleeping only when she felt obliged to do so. Aiid slIe ended the manuscript with the worda- What am I to do? Will no one help mef It was not a very strong story, but it showed the sweet nature of its writer in very alluring manner. Amy called it WJust. a Girl's Heart," and signed herself Despef- and urn." However, it did not touch its first reader in the lesfcst. The poor girl lived by pawning her trivial jewels. Somehow, she believed that the manuscript would bring her loTtuaCL She was not wholly cait down. when it cam* back from its initial journey. A liteaary lady whose acquaintance she had ma4e advised her to send it to Messrs. Allooti &ad Green. "They have," ahe seid, "the BMMtt sympathetic reader I know." To Allcott and 'Green, therefore, it went. and Amy meant is live on the proceeds of a gold brooch white they con-siderd it. But she was not doomwd to do this. On the eighth day after she had left It with these famous publishers she was tolA that a gentieman wished to see her. "Prom Alloott and Green's, miss," said tlM landlady. I was to mention the mnae." Amy e heart began a tumultuous thumpiflff at these words. Please to show him up, Mrs. Btadbor* she managed, however, to stammer. Then followed the knock. and Amy's ttennik- lo,u;s "Come in!" The next instant ME. Braile had clasped her in his arms, he* ill it of the erplanation that would have beea requisite in any of his own novels before eu-eh a proceeding could be excused. I knew you loved me. my Amy," be said at length, as he looked down at the gir1'8 happy, confused face against his shoulder. But how-" Amy began to stammer. How did I find you out? In the simplest way in the world. I read manuscripts for Allcott and Green, and pretty trash anost of them a.re. Tour's wa.s a revelation. It took me all last night, or nearly; and I gueswl everything from it. I haven't gnpm>o4 wrongly, my Amy, have I?" He did not ask the question vW anxiously; the girl's face was so tell-tale. "No," Amy whispered; "you know tbt truth." And this girl's heart is mine," said 1&. Braile, as he kissed her afresh. "Tbsak Heaven for the gift."

CRUEL PRISON RULES. MRS. DICKMAN'S PROTEST AGAINST DIVIDING BARS. A London contemporary on Saturday pulio. lished the following pathetic protest- by Mis. Dickman, wife of the man hanged on Tuesday at NawcaBtle for the murder of a colliery cashier. It will be remembered that at the final interview in gaol Dickman was not allowed to kiss his wife and children. Mrs. Diekmajp writes: "Will you allow me through the medium of your paper to thank the many known and unknown friends who have written tie me during my time of awful sorrows? I regret that my circumstances do not permit me to answer each individually. My husband has gone, I believe, to a higher life, and out of evil good may possibly acmme. "I am left unprovided for, and will taaM to work to rupport my home, but I do not intend to rest until some reform takes piaeo as regards the last interview between condemned man, whether innocent or polity, and his nearest and dearest. The prima officials are in no way to blame. Tbay do everything they can. It is the system ( prevailing at the present time that is wrong. "-No one who has not experienced what I have done can form any idea ae to what it means to say "Good-bye" under srach conditions. The prisoner is looked up behind a grating. His wife and childrep are Eimilarly locked up. A passage and warden lie between, and on this most solemn occasion all yon can do is to peer through, the bars like wild beasts. Christian England, indeed! My experience has taught me tb&t in many senses we have little to be pnmd of."

HOUSEMAID AND BURGLAR GIRL WHO TELEPHONED WITH HER HANDS TIED. Further details of a housemaid*# MtatMt- able story of assault and robbery were given at West London Police-court on Saturday, when a German subject. Charles Kedicker (28), was charged, on remand, with breaking and entering a, house in Croonwell-rowd. Soutli Kensington, and stealing two pairs of opera*- glasses, a watch and chain, a tie-pin, and two overcoat, of the total value of £ 15, the property of Mr. Percival Ridout. There was a farther charge of asssmlGLou Annie Edginton, a housemaid employed by ML. Hi ciout. The "housemaid again related how the accused gagged her and bound her hands, and made her go from room to room while he searched the premises, and how she ulti- mately, with her hands tied, mianag-ed to get to the telephone to give the alarm. It further appeared that during her struggle with the accused ehe fell down two flights of stairs. A detective-sergeant stated that when, some days aiterwards. the prisoner was taken into custody and charged, he replied, I admit it, sir. I did not assault the servant. 1 only tied her hand6. She fell downstairs, but I did not push her. I went to the house and said.. I must have money; my wife and child are starving.' At this stage prisoner's wife, who was sitting at the back of the court, went into hysterics, and had to be carried out by ft cooiole of policemen. The prisoner was committed for trial.

HOW THE POOR LIVE. SHAMEFUL SWEATING REVELA- TIONS IN BELFAST. Astonishing figures regarding the payment of outworkers in Belfast are embodied in the annual report of Dr. Bailie, medical superin- tendent of the city. He says that a woman, was observed embroidering small dots on cushion covers. There were 308 dote on each cushion, and for sewing these by hand she received one peliny. isbe said that for a day's work of this sort she would have difficulty in making sixpence. An inspector was shown handkerchiefs whicn. weTe to be ornamented by a design in dots. These dots were counted. and it was found that the worker had to sew 384 dots for one penny. Among other kind,- of badly-paid work noticed may be mentioned children's pinafores, fiounoed and braided at 4iA. per dozen; women's eheiBMee, at 7d, per dozen; aprons, at d. per dozen; men'6 drawers, at 100.. per dozen; and men's shriu" at lOd. per dozen.

WRESTLER FINED. CHAMPION'S TUSSLE WITH A FISH BASKET. Joseph Carroll, the well-known iNwfeseion&l wrestler, of Hindley, was summoned at Stockport recently for having been drunk and disorderly, and also for doing damage to a basket of fish by throwing it into the street. Richard Bailey, a fish hawker, stated that he was carrying a basket of fish weig- iing 01 b., when Carroll ca.me behind him and threw the fish into the street. He then stamped on the fish, which was completely spoiled, and the damage a.mount.ed to 16s. 4d. Prisoner: I oouvi eat it before breakfast. (lallghter,) Witness added that Carroll after throwing the basket of fish down, commenced to wrestle him and cut his kneee. Cferroll admitted having been drunk, and M.id V offered to pay for the fish. He was Sued 7s. 6d., and ordered to pay the amount ef the damage (16s. 4d.) and the costs.

J The Most Bracing Bath. If Mg To invigorate the Body and wtr II strengthen the Nerves add a little V 3) CONDYS FLUID I to your daily Oath, It imparts a jS i|Cw Coolness, Freshness and Purity! The Bf Bracingand Health-^ivtng effects are jjf Oi all Chemists, 1/ Buy "Condy's Fluid," J&y Contains NO Permanganate of Potash tr'oisMi) J CONDY'S FLUID CO., gos^oNroai>- ■ A

ANOTHER TAXI-CAB SMASH SIX INJURED: THREE DETAINED I IN HOSPITAL. A violent collision between a motor-car and a taxi-oab occurred at a quarter-past six on Sunday evening in the Txl)ridge-road, Lon- don, near the Great Western Railway viaduct at Hancwel1, resulting in injuries to six per- sorHt-four gentlemen and a lady and child. Apparently, the taxi-cab driver's view of the motor-car, which he was approaching from Richmond, was obscured by the wall of the viaduct. At any rate, a violent collision occurred at the cross-roads just beyond it, completely wrecking both vehicles and bowlintr over a lamp-poet. The injured were conveyed to Han we 11 Cottage Hospital, and three of them two hours la.ter were removed home. The others, i* is under-rtood, were -on -wee beim; xx.- *prk*TB.

LAUGH &GROW FAT 4 HUMOROUS "PARS FROM EVERYWHERE. "Say, old man, 1 me your uimbrella." "Oan't; it isn't n. I juet borrowed it from Jones." Then it must be mine; I lent it to Jones this morning." Anxious Mother: Oh, professor, don't you think my deeur little Reginald will erar team to draw? Professor Crayon: No, madam; not umleps you harneae, him to a. truck. Surely you ought to know when you've bad enough?" exclaimed a wife to her wiqe- bibbing husband. Ce-rtainly not!" returned be. When I've had enough I don't know anything!" Robbe: I think the lift is out of order. What is that notice pasted on the door? Ik>bbe: The Lift <^nan must be a bit of a wag. It says, "Pl pardon me for not riaingl" Husband (at the theatre, to his wifef: I hope you have noticed, darling, that between Acts I. and II. four years are supposed to elapse, and the actress who tekes the part of the countess wears the same drees in both. You Could very well follow her exaanple i "I'll give you a trial as a clerk," said a metrohant to an applicant for employment, and pay you -what you are worth. Is that satisfactory ?" Oh, PO"felt,ly!" replied the applicant. "But-er-do you think th!e firm can afford it ?H An eld woman was profuse in her gratitude to a magistrate who had dismissed a oharge brought against her. I thought you wouldn't he 'ard on me, youry worship," Kh« remarked as she left the dook; "I know 'ow often a kind 'art beatis be ind a ugly face!" Johnnie Masher said to his friend Bill fta-axau?, who is very ugly: I "I wish you would go with me this aiter- P™n- going to propose to Miss Birdie M Oinnis. "Why do you want me to be present?" I feel pretty sure that when ehe sees you alongside of me she'll not say 'no. An Irishman who was painting the railings of a. house was noticed by a companion suddenly to look troubled, and then he began to paint faster and faster. Why a.re you in such a hurry to finish the job?" asked the mate. I haven't much paint left," explained the ,f,n 11 s finishin' the job I'm afther before its all gone'" r One day a little girl who had been semt to a grocer's shop for some vinegar found on entering the shop that she had forgotten wJi&t sh»e nad come for. i What oa,n we do for you, my little girl?", asked the shopman. The child put the jug on the counter a.nd pushed it t-aaxis him, and, with her sweetest smile, said, Smell the jug!" Oh, oook, I must really speak to you!" ,y?un« wife. Your master is alw s tnplaining. One day it is the soup, the second day it is the fish, the third day it is the joint—in fact, it is always aometihing or other! well mum," responded the cook, "I'm sorry for you. It must be quite hawfal to live with a gentleman of that crt!" An office boy at the telephone for the first time in hie life and not knowing how to usw it was told tha.t when the bell rang he was to answer it. He toward it ring. naiw: Who a there?" he shouted. The answer came back: I'm one hundred and five." Ga-rn, who are you telling it to?" eaid the boy. If you are, it's time you pegged oat!" Colonel Percy Yerger, meeting his young fnend, Charlie Bondclipper, asked: Didn't I gee you the other day taking dinner at one of those Fix penny restaurants?" You did, colonel." How can you put up with such grub?" I ve got an object, i am going to be ma^ied next week to a girl who has taken cooking lessone, and I muet accustom my stomach gradually to put up with anything short of frozen rocks." A certain minister wa« deeply impressed by an address on the evils of smoking. He rose from his seat, went over to a fellow-minister and ,,id ""Rr<-ofn.r. t.his morning I received 6 Present of one hundred good cigars. I have sa..ji^u uno(; 0l ijKiii, out now I'm going home to burn the remainder in the fire." The other minister rose and said it was bin il.tention to accompany his reverend brother. I -can to rescue the ninetyandnim!" he added. A man went into a chemist's shop and asked for something to cure a headache. The chemist held a bottle of hartshorn to his nssa, and he was nearly overpowered by the Pungency. As soon as he recovered be began to rail at the chemist aod threatened to punch his head. "But didn't it ease your lieadaaep" asked the apothecary. "E.a.oo my headache!" gasped the man U I haven't got a headache. It's my wife that's got the lieadaobel On one occasion when Mr. H. G. Wells was conversing with hie neighbour at a public dinner the talk had turned on one of his own books, and Mr. Wens. had said some- thing to the effeot that "were there no eedf- seekers the world would be a very Utopia." The neighbour promptly remarked: I maintain that all water used for drinking- and culinary purposes should be bodied at leaet an ha-ur." "You are a physician, I f" sug- gested the novelist. "Ko, sir," was the unexpected reply, I am in the coal btbdnem! Two men who prided themoekres on their vocal powers recently hi-A an argument ac to who could sing the better, and arrangwd to have a contest, a certain local choirmaster acting as judge. The contest duly came off, and the vocalists eageriy awaited the verdiot. The choirmaster, turning to the first per- former, said, "You, sir, are the worst singer I have ever heard!" Ah! h said the other. "What dad I tell you t" "As tor you, sir," said the choirmaster, turning to the triumphing competitor, yon cannot aing at all! TWO OPINIONS. Lawyer Smart; Good mormng, Mr. Gull. What can I do for you to-day? I want to get yooUf opinion on a matter of law." Yes." My hene g'ot into my neighbour Brown s yard and he poisoned them. What I want to know is, can I recover them? Certainly. It "fni6 malicious mischief on his part, besides being a destruction of your property." Thanks But hold! I stated that wrong. It wae Brown's hens got into my yard, and it was I who administered the poie" "Ah' yes, I see. TJt puts a different colour upon the transaction, and it is clear that he in the person of his hens, was the trespasser whereas in leaving the poieon on your premises you were quite unaware that his- fowls would eat it. It was purely an an accident, so far as you were concerned. "Thanks. How much?" "Thirteen aDd fourpenoe." Why, that's just twice what you asked for a legal opinion the other day." I know it; but. you see. I have given you two opinions to-day."