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AMERICAN ITEMS. -

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AMERICAN ITEMS. IF wit is badinage, what must it be in youth ? THE American grasshoppers, on their way south, stopped a railroad train, and got copies of the St. Paul papers. When they read that only a small portion of the crops had been destroyed, they started back. to finish up the job. A MAN who didn't fraternise with the members of the temperance corps, suggested to his wife, who was in delicate health, that it woul(1 be well to bring up their infant son on the bottle. No no James," said she, bursting into tears, Not on the bottle! Oh, no Just look at your own nose, James and she wept con- vulsively. SILVER shine and so do tin the way I love you it is a sin.' the rose is red the vile is blue the pink is pretty and so is you. 'if you love me as i love vou no girl can cut our love in too Show as the grass grows round the stump & chuse you for niv sugar lump. We live between the river and bay and i will get married whenever you say." A YOUNG man* who was recently bathing in the Mississippi river, seeing a number of ladies approach, drowned himself from motives of delicacy. AN American newspaper asks, Will someone tell us what Mrs. Langtry's maiden name was?" Certainly her maiden aim was to marry Mr. Langtry. GENERAL GRANT is said to smoke one hundred cigars in two weeks. He gives away as many as he smokes. He has used the same brand of imported cigars for ten years. IT is no sin to be well up in the classics. 'Liakim Dutton was not. But he loved the American fair ones. In fact he loved two of them. Those two felt emotions of love toward 'Liakim. And they quarrelled about him like two Kilkenny pussies. Consequence was, all three were brought into court. 'Liakim, being the cause of the struggle, was thus addressed by his Honour: And so those two women were fighting about you?" "I believe so, sir." "You are a sort of Adonis, then?" Sir ?" inquired 'Liakim, his eyes protruding, and a shade of pallor creeping into his face. "You are an Adonis ? the Court repeated. Oh no, sir-never: as bad as that; but I've been in the penitentiary for stealing horses." OLD proverb The darkey's hour is just be- fore the Jawn," remarked Sambo, when he started out before daybreak to steal a young chicken for breakfast. LITTLE JOHNNY—toy pistol-bib boom!— doctor—lock-jaw, under the willows—pistol carefully laid aside for the next. A BLOOMING TON, Md., girl quarrelled with her lover, a Baltimore and Ohio freight engineer, recently, and revenged herself by oiling the rails on a steep grade up which her lover's engine had to climb, causing him much trouble and delay. HELLO Uncle Mose, hello cried Jim Webster, as he hurried down Austin-avenue trying to overtake the old man. Be keerful, Jeames, be keerful how you undress yo'self to me; I ain't no telephone," replied the indignant deacon. A CORRESPONDENT of the Augusta, Ga., Chronicle relates the following: In our history once the Hon .Alexander H. Stephens (loved and honoured ii Georgia, appreciated in our country, and known to the world), had occasion to advocate an important measure. Gentry of Tennessee was there, and he listened with rapture to' the little lean man, as he looked half starved, and while his stalwart Tennesseans were straining their necks to hear every note of that sweet tenor, he exclaimed, Let's catch him and take him to the mountains and feed him and save him for his country and humanity." AND now, my good girls," said the minister, addressing a class he was examining, "you have given me very correct answers to I boy and • youth;' tell me now the signification of lad—1-a-d. What, can none of you answer. Speak out, my little girl. What did you say was the meaning of lad ?" For courtin' wi," blushingly replied a little maiden of six. IT don't take no prophet to rickerlec' bad luck. Dey don't hab no loafers in de martin-box. De wire grass labs a lazy nigger. Dar's right smart 'ligion in a plow-handle. Twelve erclock nebber is in a hurry. Never 'oend too much on de blackberry blossoms. Don't bet on a 'tater hill befo' de grabbin' time. Heap o' good cotton stalks gits chopped up fum 'socia- tin' wi.1 de we-ds. Many .1 nice corn silk winds up wid a nubbir. in de fall. A chicken rons' is de debbul's steel- trap, an a grassy corn row H hii flower garden. De mornin1 glories aint pertickkr Iudy toa man wid:deback A NOBWICH horse loves the weej, AND not only teases his owner for the stuff, but noses about the pockets of people who come near him to see if he can get the odor, when he at once begins to manifest his desire for a chaw. Upon the presentation of a plug he will take a chaw that would astonish a mariner, but, with all his rolling of the dainty morsel beneath his tongue, he never yet has learned to squirt the juice ox to hang out bis sign on his lips. He chews clean, and can give old tobacco chewers points. AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a very early hour on the first morning by calling out that the family were sitting down to the table. Thank you," said the boy as he turned over in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap- thank you, I never eat anything during the night." BEEN AWAY. — Hello! Is that you P Yes." "Been away ? Yes." Been off on a vacation?" "Yes." "Feel better?" "No." "Gain any flesh ?n "No." "Tent out?" No." Go fishing?" "No." "Did you sail or row?" "No." Nice at the hotel ? No." Go in swimming ? II No." What did you do ? Nothing." What did you go for ? "I dunno." ONLY QUALIFYING HIMSELF.—The latest story from Texas is that of a man who had an interview with a local editor, to complain of his name being incorrectly given in the paper: I—have—come—to—see—about— this—Recorder's—court—business, he grasped painfully. It's the rule to publish the names of all those who get drunk and are fined. Can't make any exception in your case." Thats not what I am complaining of. I want my name in the paper as having been drunk but you got my initials wrong. I am going to run for a city office, and I wanted to use that issue of the Netrs as a campaign document. It would have made me popular with the boy", and here you go and get my name wrong, and some other fellow will get credit for it." Well, what do you want ?" I want to be vindicated. I want you to come out in a card stating it was me, John Snodks, and not Isaac Snooks, as you have it, who got drunk, and smashed a gas-lamp. I wanted to be understood by the voters that I was the man whom six policemen took three-quarters of an hour to take to the lock-up, a dis- tanceof only 150 yards. I've been slandered, and if I am not put before the public in my true light" I'll bring suit for damages. That's what I got drunk for, was to get my name in the paper so people would know I am duly qualified." A TEXAS man was married the day before he was hanged. It is not stated what knot he liked best. THE Cincinnati Enquirer predicts that the time will come when a six-legged calf will cause no more sensation than a woman crippled for life by wearing French heel shoes.

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PHYSICAL DETERIORATION IX…

Visitors' List.

Russell Road.

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