The Rhondda Leader

Ton-Pentre Police Court. Artl°UC^a^"—Before the Stipendiary (Mr. Alrlp!11 ^ewis), Alderman E. H. Da vies, L,Jm^ Morgan, Alderman Richard Sia'lnfr- D" W Davies and Mr. J. D. Youthful Offenders. feri-p f31'*68. charges of thefts were pre- i'nv a§ainst two .Pentre boys, viz., Win °2 and Edgar Jones. p^bert Dyer, collier, 20, Robert St., gaiY|le' said that be owned an allotment U,1. at the back of Baglan Street. On th Ursday, the 17th inst., he noticed that out ors sevei'al vegetables had been the f ii ailc' strewn about the place. On *n§ Saturday he found that a tlip, potatoes had been stolen to value of 2s. b(ath,ine Davies, the wife of William that, ii ^■reharriei Street, Pentre, said 8atUrj b°y F°x cante to her house on fy a'id asked her if she wanted take f0e?' She replied that she would them8 sting's worth, and she paid for beill1. Defendant stated that they th Onged to his father. The police came the oil Monday, and she handed them j> imler of the potatoes. P.§' 'T Millet said that in company with Slid arnes he arrested both prisoners ivhe,.C0liyeyed them to the police station, ab0uf tney were charged with stealing kv ii ~31bs. of potatoes, the property of KoWvt Dyer. Vas Sec°nd charge of stealing potatoes WP'e??lTed aga'list- Fox and Jones by ^iti van's-' postman, 20, Queen St., IV at j.i°Secutor said that he owned a garden th C ac^ °f Baglan Street, and on the Potaf August he missed a quantity of gave, from his garden. He immediately i]]; ntormati°n to the police. sta,t ?' 1i^nn Cooper, Treharne Street, and ,i. -^ox 80 her 31bs. of potatoes 't0 e paid for them. ^lefcha (,lles,h"t from the Stipendiary than (|l obtained more for her money W| slxe. usually got, she replied that she her th httle more. Defendant informed f4ththat he had the potatoes from his ]i s garden. ii'' ^et gave evidence of arresting the '^oncr, and of recovering some of add stolen property from various fh 868 •. aboyf third charge was that of stealing P "t'1 °f potatoes from the a £ lai cf Henry Bartlett, collier, 15, I,?11 Street, °8, 'rfaV!tli Paul, wife of Mr. John Paul, 8at i'ne Street, Pentre, stated that ioHse 1,1 the boy Fox came to her Potato an(* asked her if she wanted any theIn nS- She asked him where he had thela „rom> and he replied that he had 0iIb}i+ im ^'s father's garden. She Jip about 6d. voirth from him. ^ts' sppke to arresting defen- pqt 'alld charging them with stealing .I3al'U Oe8, the property of Mr. Henry T, ett, Baglan Street, Pentre. °f t|i i Stipendiary Mrs. Fox, mother Fox, stated that she knew °f the doings of her boy, neither e bring her any money whatever, ^•'ok^ 'X F°x was sentenced to have six !'s with the birch, and both parents £ 5 boys were bound up in a surety of zq 1tch. The boy Jones was allowed to \I]\¡eb\)P, as it did not seem that he had to do in the business. £ Coal Stealing. s [,,(10riUl D<l vid Roderick, William Thomas, }f;o Morgan and William HE iu Gilfacii Goeh; the property Mr■ Christopher Evans." fine of 5s. each was imposed, with of Hill, and the parents he hound over in a sum of £ 5 each to thej Sponsible for the good behaviour of e'lr children for six months. j Timber Stealing. '°^n Skyiu, a young boy from (l U;t was charged with stealing a nollierv i> °f timber from the Tynybedw n' Pentre, the property of Messrs. re onirS utt°n, mechanical engineer at stated that he saw defen- Cojltain T a hag and truck, both of which i t)ej eV ahout fcwt. of timber. llant was fined 5s., and was also ^avi,!>Ver. 'tl a sum ot" £ 5 to be of good 11'' for six months. <Mz. r Coal stealing- a ^ach p Ue a young girl from n (ili;n,4 ^0c^' was charged with stealing of coal from the Britannic t>.c yT^ding, Gilfach Gooh. .4 fjj. J^vans proved the charge- L or 5s. was imposed, and the girl t ^env, d over. Lun Williams and William Locke, M al){, boys, found themselves at h «ual i Court for stealing; a quantity i-i1'0111 the Glamorgan Coal Com- A:i, ],Yllypia. a6 Cnli- er AJJPll iiight watchman at tt call' t. t ii. ,<>y- gave evidence, and stated e lads stole the coal from a full Jl'tlj of 10s. each was imposed, and were bound over to be behaviour for six months. an Horse. ha8 r'ha,ni Owen, an Ystrad brake-driver, My Jf?d with driving a horse at Tony- la Cn,v, was r)°t fit to work. L'^e table stated that there was a o1]g ound near the collar about an inch alld half-an-incih deep. ti- "'Otithiul Coal Stealers. Ai'^1 Osborne, Mary A. Owens, CrvTer u'l'is; Thomas Fisher and Henry <Lai fi'Ayvere fined 5s. each for stealing the Cambrian Collieries, Cly- 0fh?L ^eai'ing °f the case, the she^lstrat boyg Fisher implored the to -i ^as t° he lenient in he# case, as eachWl^°W* fine was reduced ^^hZUriOUS D,,iving" cha?ai'ed V -Lewis, barman, Tylorstown, 0f Pefpre the magistrates on a <>f -8. g- nrious driving. K\mT{gh stated that on the 9th W? V..J saw defendant driving a !?U> p<tre. » vary U)(! tj;etCii -^he horse, he said, was m rat, and a,ppe,ai-ed to be going at eildnTi+ miles an hour. V of Said that the horse was 16 ^^■S0^lainedd°f;°Uld n0t travel at thG ^e"i, said that he was on aVn Road on the night in at n i e. saw the defendant tt'ah othfv,. terrific rate. There were A 0f J?;en in the bottom of the 0| ^honi appeared to be drunk. A R Was ^mPosed- r'uta' Irishman. 2,' 'V1 -fr'shnian, was charged llg i l"g j> and disorderly and also t ^-C; amcs on Saturday even- ^M^^ey^p^t-ed that he was called tW '-h,011 S'atmS res^ment House, Ystrad 8 OTfi»+" y evening where defen- a disturbance and also 8 landlady. He advised k. him to go home quietly, and after he went as far as Bridgend Square he began to use most filthy language. He again managed to persuade him to go away, and after going about fifty yards he made use of threatening language towards the constable. When witness went, on to, him he knocked him down and gave him several blows, and bit his hand. Witness managed to get him to the police station after a considerable strsjggle, in the course of which he lost his helmet and his cape. Defendant was fined 10s. for drunken- ness, and he was sent, to prison for two months for the assault on the constable. Trespassing on the T.V.R. Jenkin Evans and Hugh Richards were fined Is. each for trespassing on the Taff Vale Railway near the Cwmparc signal box. Detective-Inspector Edwards said that they were having a great amount of trouble on this part of the line. There was only a crossing for people going to work, and for the families who lived in the farm close by. During the summer time hundreds of people crossed the line to go up to the hillside. A similar fine was imposed upon Wm. John Evans for trespassing on the Taff Vale Railway. Gaming. George Coonibes, John Thomas, Gwilym Bowen, Charles Evans and Austin Lewis, of Tonypandy, were charged with gaming near the Great Western Railway near Kenry Street, Tonypandy. P.O. Smith said the- were playing a quiet game of nap, and when disturbed by witness and another constable, fled, leaving behind two halfpennies and a couple of cards. Fines ranging from 10s. to 25s. were imposed. A similar charge was preferred against Charles Fryer, collier Tonypandy. When caught, Fryer said that he would rather do six months than give the names of his companions. P.C. Pinkard said that defendant played nap every Sunday. A fine of 10s. was imposed. Drunk and Disorderly. Peter Riddy, Ystrad, 10s. George Owens, Gelli, 15s. Thomas James, Blaenrhondda, 10s. John Ford, Blaenycwm, 15s. James Jones, Blaenycwm, IDs. Fred Pierce, Treherbert, 10s. John Jones, Treherbert, 10s. Frank Bird, Treorchy, 10s. John Owen, Cwmparc, 20s. Thomas Evans, Treherbert, 15s. Caroline Blake, Tonypandy, 5s. Jeremiah Cox, Gelli, £ 1. James Cochlin, Williamstown, 15s.

Outbreak of Small Pox at Wattstown. Prompt Measures Taken. No Cause for Alarm. An outbreak of Small-pox has been reported to have occurred at Wattstown. From inquiries which have been made, it appears that the outbreak is traceable to an Irishman, who. contracted the disease in a common lodging-housei on his way from Ireland. When he arrived at Wattstown he stayed with a co-patriot, but so mild was the character of the disease that it was not actually ,suspected when he called at the place. He has since left, and no one knows whither he iiouses the man visited, are at present c visitecl, ai-e at pi-,jsent affected, but they have been removed to the Ystrad Isolation Hospital. Dr. J. D. Jenkins, the medical officer immediately took prompt measures to prevent the spread of the disease, and he le-vaccinated all the persons who were suspected of having coire in contact with the two women. On Monday he examined the children at the schools, with a view of detecting any casual case among them. He has also distributed circulars warning the residents of the outbreak, and giving instructions how to identify afflicted persons, and also how to deal with the cases as they would arise. It is generally believed that by means of these timely measures, all peril of an epidemic is set at rest.

The Cardiff Empire. The star turn at the Cardiff Empire this week is the popular comedian, George Robey. He is in as fine form as usual, and his well-deserved reputation is sus- tained in the new songs and side-splitting patter with which he is delighting the two houses nightly. Two other turns are exceptionally brilliant, those contributed by the Mayvilles and the Vasilescu Troupe. The Empire is most certainly worth a visit this week, the programme right through being of exceptional merit, and includes Miss Ethel Haydon and Miss Florence Esdaile, both charming vocalists, the Four McGoverns, acrobatic dancers, and the Mullini Sisters.

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I The Adventures of John Bramwell Jones. CHAPTER II. Bram Goes to School, in which his Mar- vellous Progress is herein chronicled. It waw a gloomy morning in October, 18. Intermittent showers of rain had fallen during the previous night, making great waterways in the ill-kept roads of our village. The wind sighed mournfully in the branches of the trees, and the streets were littered with their falling leaves. Already the breath of winter was upon every living thing trees and shrubs presented a most harrowing sight as they were slowly but surely stripped of their summer garb. Great banks of clouds flitted across the sky—heavy, leaden, rain- filled clouds spanned the firmament, from hill-top to hill-top. It was on such a morning as this-a very common morning in the meteoro- logical history of our valley-that Bram's mother had decided upon to witness the entry of her son into the mysteries of school life. For hours the good woman had been diligently occupied in patching up the rents in her boy's garments, until by the time all the holes had been neatly covered, it was almost impossible to dis- cern which was the original material—so profusely had the patches been laid on. When this patching feat had at length been completed, the worthy, mother called upon her equally worthy son to get out of bed, to prepare for his suitable pre- sentation at school. At length, after no little amount of persuasion and threats on the good woman s part, and after a solid half- penny had been handed to Brain before he would consent to leave the maternal roof, and after many alluring promises had been made of chocolates, candy sticks, and other equally successful stimu- lants, both mother and son arrived at the school door, both looking very red in the face, the mother from the simple exertion of alternate pushing and carry- ing, and the son from crying and resist- ing the onward march and Bram was at last presented before the mistress of the Infants School with all the pomp and ceremony which the occasion demanded. Alter the usual formalities which exist lu civ, xr had been gone through, Miss Williams, the headmistress «o TVT s department, observed: ho, Mis. Jones, you have brought your ft last; been rather long, though ]- think." Yes," replied Mr! Jones, "but, you see, Miss Williams, 'e was so andy to me, that indeed I niver tho't I c ud let 'im go at all. I 'ave 'ad such a bad time lately, an' Bram was so vei-i-y us'ful to me in gettin' things; an' e bio t me 'ome a good bit o' mon'y by runnm erran's. But, indeed, I am rather sorry to part with 'im now." -Hill," returned Miss Williams, affect- ing to mend a pen which she held between Jonel?" gei'S j how old is he, Mrs. Well, let me see," replied Mrs. Jones, at the same time making a, methodical calculation upon her bony fingers; "it is about six or seven years ago since I buried is father, an' was born some time after, or, I mean, before—really, Miss Williams, I a'nt sure, but 'e must be about seven years old, I b'lieve." "Any other children," inadvertently queried the schoolmistress. Lor! no, woman!" answered Mrs. Jones, rising her hands. "I've on'y got Bram by my pore 'usband, an' thank goodness, wan is enuf for me in my 'ard times." At this stage of the proceedings the crouhjea Woman cfispTayed unmistakable signs of relapsing into tears, but these signs were soon cut short by the school- mistress remarking that it was high time that she should return to her lessons, aim that the young scholar (pointing to Bi am) should make a start as soon as possible. "Then you tak' care of 'im," said the anxious mother, casting a, last loving glance at her bouncing boy. "Oh! ves, Mrs. Jones," returned the mistress. "I'll take care of him, and no doubt he will take care of himself so, good morning." Good morning," replied Mrs. Jones j and she hastened back to her little cot- tage by the riverside to think what a great scholar her son might be some day, and of what pride she would take in telling people that the celebrated J. B. Jones, M.A., was her son. and that she. as a matter of course, was his mother. Meditating upon these airy reflections, the good lady set to dust her scanty furni- ture with a surprising energy, and any- body who could have stepped into the little cottage at, that moment would be surprised that such an amounfof energy could be found in such a lean and bony looking female. On the other hand Bram had no such lofty aspirations, for, finding himself among a number of youngsters, the majority of whom were younger than himself, he set about making himself as agreeable as lie could by pulling the hair of the little demure maid who sat nearest to him. Finding that this mode of making himself pleasant to his companions did not strike the young lady's fancy, who resented his attention in the most un- equivocal manner, he turned his attention to the little fellow on his right, who was actively engrossed in trying to make some characters upon his slate, which were supposed to resemble the alphabetic designs which were chalked on the black- board in front of the class. This atten- tion he displayed in several forms firstly, by pinching the young fellow's leg, and secondly, bv inserting a, pin in the same young gentleman's flesh, until the young gentleman howled outright that the new- comer would not leave him alone. (To be continued). Suppose you had, or had had an ad. in the LEADER, wouldn't you think the lively little ad. you had or had had. had caused vou to add to the business you had P

Clydach Vale. At the examination of the Royal Sani- tary Institute held at Cardiff on the 21st and 22nd July, Mr. D. T. Williams, coiunty inspector for Glamorgan, Cardiff, passed the examination in Practical Sanitary Science as applied to Buildings and Public Works, and way highly com- plimented by the examiners. Mr. Wil- liams also passed in Stage III. Hygiene (Honours, Part I.), Board of Education examination, in Mav of this year. TOPPING & SPINDLER Flushing, Holland, The Oldest Established and MosL, Eytensive Firm of Turf Commission Agents in the World. Liverpool Cup. Goodwood Stewards' Cup. St. Leger. Cesarewitch and Caoibrideohirc. THE CONTINENTAL SPORTSMAN containing latest marked movements on above, also our YEAR BOOK AND READY RECKONER, sent free on receipt of Foreign Post Card containing name and address. ALL ETTERS TO BE ADDJLESSIID- Postage, 2td. TOPPING & 8PINDLER, Post ards, Id fimehingholland

WISE AND OTHERWISE. Reform is wasted on a bad egg. It takes more than a derrick to raise hijpet. The truth generally has a sting in its tail. The deepest grave won't hide a family skeleton. An idea sometime* strikes a man when he it down. Many a dog has a longer pedigree than his master. Most of us require night watchmen to guard our reputations. When a fellow begins to build castles in the air it's all up with him. It's the shadow of suspicion that throws many a man in the shade. The beauty about striking an attitude is tbtt the attitude can't strike back. Somehow or other the hinges never seem to get rusty on the door of adversity. The reputation of your ancestors won't do much good when you are looking for a job. Some people may have a lot of good in them, but the trouble is they don't let it out. A good resolution is always stronger at its birth than at any other stage of its existence. The fellow who is always asking somebody to put in a good word for him is seldom worth the trouble. H Going to the theatre again? But Been the piece." "Yes, but not in my now frock." The most effective argument a charming woman can use to a man is an appealing "Don't you think so ? "Now, little one, what would you say if I were to give you these ? Would you say, these are good apples, or those are good apples ?" "How can I tell till 1 eat 'em?" "Papa," said the little boy, looking up from his book, "what is a curio?" "A curio," replied the father, thoughtfully, "is something that costs ten times what it is worth." "She is beautiful," said the studious girl, "but she is not accomplished." "My dear," answered Miss Cayenne, "there is no accom- plishment more difficult than being beautiful." Pat: "Casey's the model husband. He thinks everything av his wife." Mike "He do ? Pat: "He do. Iv'ry toime he blacks her eye he goes out and gets a sirloin steak to put on it." "Pa," said young Tumblestone, "if I eat dates enough will I turn into a calendar?" "You will turn into bed this instant," said the elder Tumblestone, "or I will assist you." He turned in. "I can hardly finish this second bottle of wine." "Why try, then?" "My doctor has ordered me to drink more wine than beer, and I have had two quarts of beer already to-day." He: "I couldn't live without you." She (wearily): "Oh, that's what they all say. Can't you think of something new ? Bones: "So Jim's old man cut him off with- out a penny. He'll have to hoe his own row now." Jones: "Pretty hard for a rake, isn't it ? Lady: "Give you an old newspaper as a bed? Why, what kind of a bed would you call a newspaper?" Tramp: "A folding bed, mum." Murphy: "Oi'd give a sovereign to know the Spot Oi was to die on." Maguire: "Why?" Murphy: "Because Oi'd never go near the spot, begorra. "Do you believe that people who marry in haste repent at leisure? "No. As a rule they are kept so busy finding fault that they never have any leisure." Teacher: "Anything is called transparent that can be seen through. Now, Willie, can you give me an example?" Willie: "Yes, ma'am. A hole in the fence." Dremer: If I could only acquire a nice pile of money I would'nt do a thing but travel." Skemer: "Yes, but maybe the police wouldn't do a thing but stop you." "How can you scold all the time ? was asked of the woman with five stepchildren and an indolent husband. "I can't just explain it, but I knows that I'm blessed with wonderful powers of endurance." "By observing the fall of the apple," said the I moraliser, Newton discovered the law of "Yes," rejoined the demoralises "and thousands of years before that, by biting an apple, Eve discovered the gravity of the law." Mamma: "I thought there was an apple on the sideboard, and I was going to give it to you, but I find it isn't there." Freddy: "Well, will you give me something else, mamma, because it wasn't a very good one ? The master wrote the following sentence on the blackboard as an exercise to be parsed: "Who steals my purse steals trash." A boy held out his hand, and was asked what was the matter. "Please, sir," he said, "it's wrong; it should be cash." Changeable weather we are having, isn't it? Yes; the weather-man says it is the only way he can suit people. They get tired of the same thing day after day." 9 "Dad." said little Reginald, "what is a tacket shop?" "A bucket shop, my son," said le father, feelingly—" a bucket shop is a modern cooperage establishment to which a man takes a barrel and brings back the bung-hole. At last the telephone-girl condescended to answer. "What's that, sir!" she exclaimed. "Are you swearing?" "Not audibly," said the man at the other end of the wire. But I con- fess that as a long-distance mind-reader you are an expert." "You can't imagine," said the musical young woman, how distressing it is when a singer realises that she has lost her voice." "Perhaps not," replied the plain man; "but I've got a fair idea how distressing it is when she doesn't realise it." Mr. Twicewed: "It's funny to me that people can ever look upon marriage as a lottery." Miss Youngthing: "How delightful to hear a man speak like that! Now tell us why you think as you do?" Mr. Twicewed: "Well, in lotteries there are prizes." Doctor: "Why, how is this, my dear liir P II "You sent me a letter stating you had been attacked by measles, and I find you suffering from rheumatism." Patient- "Well, you see, doctor, there wasn't a soul in the house that knew how to spell rheumatism." "Good-night," he whispered, passionately, at the front door, "good-night, good-night, good- night, good "Excuse me," said an elderly bass voice over the baluster, "but it's been good morning for the last two hours, I thought you'd like to know." Mrs. De Firm: "I tremble to think of our daughter marrying that young man. Why, he orders his mother and sister about as if they were slaves." Mr. De Firm: "Don't worry, my dear. He won't order our daughter about more than once. She takes after you." How do you account for the fact," asked the doctor, as shewn by actual investigation, that thirty-two out of every hundred criminals in the country are left-handed?" "That's easily ac- counted for," said the Professor. The other I sixty-eight are right-handed." Young Doctor: Did you ever make a out- take in a diagnosis?" Old Doctor: "Yes. A shabby old fellow came into my office one day, and after I told him he had only a stomach- ache, and charged him five shillings, I found out he was rich enough to have had appendi- citis. John Henry," said the patient wife, "if I ever marry again I shall marry a Russian," "Well, what's the trouble now?" John Henry wanted to know. When you came in last wanted to know. When you came in last night," explained the patient wife, vou went to bed with your hat and shoes on," and you hung your coat on the gas fixture, and carefully placed your watch and necktie under the bed. A Russian can at least retire in good order." "Your Uncle Ezekiel is crazy, isn't he?" asks Bobson of Dobson. "Not at all; he's only eccentric," replied the latter. H Whv, be's worth half-a-million." It came to pass in process of time that Uncle Ezekiel died and was buried, and Bobson remarked to Dobson: I see by the papers that your eccentric uncle left his entire fortune to ch "Eccentric f replied Dobson, disgustedly. fie was as crasy as a loon." ,(I An old man in a village near Aberdeen had an eight-day clock which needed repair; so he took it on his back to carry it to the watchmaker's. As he went along the village street an acquaintance met him, glanced at him, and passed on. After he had got about fifty yards away, his friend called out to him-. "Hi!" Back went the old man, laboriously, to where the other stood. "Man," said his friend, "would it not be far handier if ye carried t WiLteb His cup of joy was full to running over. There had been moments of pleasure in his life, but never so keen a delight as this. The jarring of the tramcar was music to his ears. The occasional whistle of the driver sounded as a blare of triumph. There was no discordant sound; all was harmony. The conductor had forgotten to collect his fare. "Always," says the astute newt editor to the new reporter—"always be on the look out for any little touch of humour that may brighten up the columns." That evening the new reporter handed in an account of a burglary in a butcher's shop, which commenced: "Mr. Jeremiah Cleaver, the well-known butcher, hM been flesh rapidly of late." "Come here, Moreover," said the lady at the gate to a fine collie, which was making tracka alter a passer-by. The name sounded strange to the wayfarer, who turned back and inquired the reason for calling a dog by such an extra- ordinary name, "Extraordinary, indeed," replied the owner; "did you never hear it before? Why, it's a Bible name." "That's news to me," came the reply;" never heard of dogs in the Bible." "Oh, certainly. Doesn't it say, < More- over, the dog, licked his sores.' A lady asked Edith if she had any brothers. "Yes," said she; "I have three brothers." "And how many sisters, my dear P" asked the lady, "Just one sister, and I'm it," replied the small girl. "Our Willie shews great determination," said the boy's mother. "Yes?" queried proud papa. "Yos. He spent the whole day making soap bubbles and trying to pin one to the wall." What is your occupation, may I ask ? inquired the passenger with the skull cap. "Map-maker," said the passenger in a long linen ulster, "Publisher, eh?" "No. Soldier." "Bliggins believes that trifles may count for a great deal in this life." "Yes," answered Miss Cayenne. "I have observed that he attaches vast importance to his own opinions of things." Mr. Crimsonbeak "I think I have the key to the situation, dear." Mrs, Crimsonbeak; "Well, John, you'd better get around before midnight, or you'll never find the keyhole of the situa- tion." Mamma: "Now, Freddy, mind what I say. I don't want you to go over into the next garden to play with that Binks boy. He's very rude." Freddy (heard a few minutes after calling over the wall): "I say, Binks, ma says I'm not to go in your garden because you're rude; but you come into my garden-I ain't rude." "Fairest Ethelinda," he cried, falling on his knees beside her. I adore thee! When thou art present I live in rapture. I need no stare in heaven to guide me when thy bright eyes are open before me When thou art approaching my heart beats, throbs, palpitates-palpitates, with a- "Indeed," interrupted she. "Why, I'm so glad you spoke. I've got a splendid recipe for palpitation of the heart. I'll get it for you." PAW. When biscuits are light, and coffee just right, And the bull pup behaves likes a saint, Paw never is heard remarkin' a word. But my! how he kicks when they ain't S When the sun's shinin' clear and tliebirdshollor cheer, And the grass wears a new coat of paint, Paw will not admit they are purty and fit, But my! how he kicks if they ain't! And that's why I say if he tried a new way, I wouldn't make any complaint. If Paw would just yell when a thing is done well, And not say a thing when they ain't. -Philadelphia Ltiftr. She had just returned from a "call upon her dearest friend. "What a bore she is, and so selfish," she said. "Took up all the time telling me about her trip to Paris instead of letting me tell her about my trip to Norway." Betty: "So Maud is engaged? Well, I'm sorrv for the man. She doesn't know the first thing about keeping house." Bessie: "Oh, yes, she does." Betty: "I'd like to know what?" Bessie "The first thing is to get a iiian.to keep house for." She: "Have you ever heard, Mr. Slowpace, that it is better to return a kiss for a blow ? He (failing to catch her meaning) "Why, yes; but I don't quite understand." She (coylv) "Don't you remember that I boxed your ears last night ? "Here, young man," said the old lady, with fire in her eye, "I've brung back this thermo- meter ye sold me." "What's the matter with it? "demanded the clerk. "It ain't reliable. One time ye look at it it says one thing, and the next time it says another!" justice: "You say that you did not know you were violating the law. Ah but, my dear sir, ignorance of the law is no excuse to any man." Prisoner: "That's rather rough on both of us, ain't it, your worship ?" Crier: "Order in the court." "How do you account for the fact," asked the doctor, "as shewn by actual investigation, that thirty-two out of every hundred criminals in the country are left-handed?" "That's easily accounted for," said the professor. "The other sixty-eight are right-handed." "Our competitor now has all his packages marked 'Beware of imitations, said the senior partner of the new firm. "That's a slap at us." Well, we'll get back at him," replied the junior partner "we'll have all our packages marked 'Beware of the genuine.' Weary Walker: "No, ma'am, I ain't dirty from choice. I'm bound by honour. I wrote a testimonial for a soapmaker once, an' promised to use no other, Mrs. Housekeep: "Well, why do you not use that ? Weary Walker: "Because, ma'am, that firrra failed about five years ago." Edith Have you heard Miss Sonata play ? "Oh, yes." "And how did you like it?" "Not at all." "Not at all?" "No; she plays in the worst possible taste. The other afternoon Fred and I were in the bay-window, and just as I had accepted him and lie was stealing a kiss the horrid girl put down the soft pedal, and of course everybody heard it. I call her a horrid player." Inventions Wanted.—An angler's scales that will do the lying for the fisherman. A servant's alarm clock "that will not wake up the members of the family. An automatic apple barrel that will make all the small apples come to the top. A piano that will sound the same to the girl playing it as it does to the neighbours. A breakfast food that your children will eat with- out being forced to do so with a stick. An adjustable ring that will fit all the girls you become engaged to during the summer. A policeman who can tell the difference between a drunken man and one with a fractured skull. Magistrate: "You are accused of stealing six reams of paper, three gallons of ink, and five gross of pens. What have you to say to the charge ?" Prisoner: Your worship, I am ? novelist, and I was merely collecting materii for a new story." Teacher: "Willie, please give me a sentence ih which the verb 'to set' and 'to sit' are used correctly." Willie (after a brief deliberation) "Great Britain is a country on which the sun never sets, and on which DÐ other country ever eits."

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